Okay....so I was thinking about writing this post several times this week, but I have just not had the time, so i figure while i am sitting and waiting to go on to the next thing tonight, i will take a few minutes and write the post.
i was watching my FAVORITE tv show in the world the other night, One Tree Hill. It is the season finale, and hopefully, there will be a season 7 this fall. That being said, there was alot of drama going on in the episode. Now, I am not going to recap the whole season for you, that is not the purpose of this post, not even a recap of the last episode, just a recap of the feelings I had while watching it :)
The whole show, I kept waiting for something bad to happen. I remember saying to my friend Sarah, there has to be something bad that happens, it cant all just be good and happy endings. Then my brother says, " Becky, it doesnt always have to be bad, just wait and see what happens". and it made me think. I go through life with much the same attitude. Okay, things are going really great, and instead of rejoicing in it and enjoying it, I am just waiting for the bad thing to happen that is inevitably around the corner.
But at the end, they recapped the show, and they said, " Believe that dreams do come true". lots of other things were said to, but this stuck out to me. You see in the episode, Brooke got the guy she had been dreaming of, but she had to put her heart out there, take all the risks and take a step of faith to see what was waiting on the other side and it was something AMAZING. Peyton was told that she could die if she delivered her baby, but she choose to give life to her child and in the end, she, her husband lucas and her baby, Sawyer Brooke, were living a happy life together.
All of these dreams and many more came true for others in the show as well. And as cheesy as it may be, it made me think ALOT. It made me realize that I really do need to start believeing that dreams DO come true. Life doesnt always HAVE to be bad and sometimes, when we least expect it, God is there, ready to make our dreams come true.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Work, Soccer, Pizza Ranch and that silly mix cd ....what a GREAT DAY!!!
So work. Well, I do LOVE my new job. working with babies is so much fun for me. I love feeding them and playing with them, changing them is not so much a LOVE, but I can tolerate it much more than I used to. But I am also learning alot at work. I have some great friendships there now. Friendships I am learning to love and cherish and its great to have that.
After work, it was off to a soccer game for Shiana. Shiana and Allison are going to be in middle school starting next school year and will start being in the new middle school program at church that I get to teach. And I have to say, IM SO EXCITED. These girls are AMAZING. Its nice to be looked upto and loved so much, a huge responsibility at times, but its so much fun too. Tomarrow night is Allies baseball game, and I CANT WAIT TO SURPRISE HER BY SHOWING UP!!!
then it was on to Pizza Ranch with Shiana and Allisons families and my brother and his friend, who is also Shianas older brother. We had a great time. Playing with the bouncy balls, eating delicious food, just fun, fun, fun :)
And then on my way home, I had a mix cd in that I had found the other day. I love listening to it. I have been jamming out to Backstreet Boys, NSync, and Clay Aiken :) And lots of memories come with it as well. Some hard to go through, some that make me laugh, but I have just enjoyed the mix cd, its not working very well now and skips ALOT, but I try to muddle through the great songs :)
Its been a long, and fun day :)
After work, it was off to a soccer game for Shiana. Shiana and Allison are going to be in middle school starting next school year and will start being in the new middle school program at church that I get to teach. And I have to say, IM SO EXCITED. These girls are AMAZING. Its nice to be looked upto and loved so much, a huge responsibility at times, but its so much fun too. Tomarrow night is Allies baseball game, and I CANT WAIT TO SURPRISE HER BY SHOWING UP!!!
then it was on to Pizza Ranch with Shiana and Allisons families and my brother and his friend, who is also Shianas older brother. We had a great time. Playing with the bouncy balls, eating delicious food, just fun, fun, fun :)
And then on my way home, I had a mix cd in that I had found the other day. I love listening to it. I have been jamming out to Backstreet Boys, NSync, and Clay Aiken :) And lots of memories come with it as well. Some hard to go through, some that make me laugh, but I have just enjoyed the mix cd, its not working very well now and skips ALOT, but I try to muddle through the great songs :)
Its been a long, and fun day :)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Letting Go...its not so bad!
Last night, my post had a little different flavor. I talked about how scared I have been lately. How scared I have been to take chances and risk being hurt AGAIN!! But today, I decided to make things different. It was a busy day, but it was fun. At 8 am, my mom and dad came over and we went to garage sales, it was ALOT of fun. I love spending quality time with them. My brother, Bryan, had to sing at a wedding, but when he was done, he called us and met up with us and we all went to lunch as a family and then came back to the apartment that my brother and I rent together and spent some time together as a family. It may not sound like much,but it made my day. Just seeing how much my parents love each other after 26 years of being married. and seeing how, even though they both had to wait and met and got married when they were older and had children when they were older, God has blessed our family in ways that I would NEVER change. We have been through some tough times together, but through it all, we have all been in it together. and it made me realize just how great of a person I really am because of my family. I have a big heart, i love singing and i have become the person that I am today, all because of them.
Later today, I got on the computer and had an unexpected note in my facebook inbox. One of the girls I have counseled at camps over the years sent me a very nice message. Now this girl was one of the tough ones, she seemed to hate me at times and was very unkind to me, she has grown up some now and so have I, but still, the note was very refreshing and unexpected. It was simply a note from seeing her last weekend when a bunch of us got together for a walk for Cistic Fibrosis to find a cure for 2 of my favorite kids in the world, Jack and Lanie. In the note, she stated that I looked different. That I seemed happier, that my skin looked amazing and that I looked great. Words of affirmation are HUGE to me, so it made my day, it took me aback, but it made my day. Then tonight, my brother and I went to see some of our friends in One Act Plays and then Smokey Row, a lot of people kept commenting on how cute I looked and how great I looked. I got the chance to sing with Bryan and that led to more people telling me how amazing my voice was. I love singing, because of the gift that God has given me, sometimes I feel highly unworthy of it, but Im thankful for it EVERYDAY.
But all this got me thinking, maybe I do have something offer. Maybe there is something there for someone to love and be attracted to. Maybe I am pretty. Maybe I have talents and abilities that would attract someone to me. Maybe I would be a good girlfriend to someone. Maybe I would make a good wife someday. Maybe I would even make a great mom someday. Maybe I am someone to be proud of.
Still working through it, but Im working on it. Letting Go!
Later today, I got on the computer and had an unexpected note in my facebook inbox. One of the girls I have counseled at camps over the years sent me a very nice message. Now this girl was one of the tough ones, she seemed to hate me at times and was very unkind to me, she has grown up some now and so have I, but still, the note was very refreshing and unexpected. It was simply a note from seeing her last weekend when a bunch of us got together for a walk for Cistic Fibrosis to find a cure for 2 of my favorite kids in the world, Jack and Lanie. In the note, she stated that I looked different. That I seemed happier, that my skin looked amazing and that I looked great. Words of affirmation are HUGE to me, so it made my day, it took me aback, but it made my day. Then tonight, my brother and I went to see some of our friends in One Act Plays and then Smokey Row, a lot of people kept commenting on how cute I looked and how great I looked. I got the chance to sing with Bryan and that led to more people telling me how amazing my voice was. I love singing, because of the gift that God has given me, sometimes I feel highly unworthy of it, but Im thankful for it EVERYDAY.
But all this got me thinking, maybe I do have something offer. Maybe there is something there for someone to love and be attracted to. Maybe I am pretty. Maybe I have talents and abilities that would attract someone to me. Maybe I would be a good girlfriend to someone. Maybe I would make a good wife someday. Maybe I would even make a great mom someday. Maybe I am someone to be proud of.
Still working through it, but Im working on it. Letting Go!
Friday, May 1, 2009
scared...
okay...so this summer, God really blessed me with some words to some incredible songs about the things he has led me through and how he has been with me through them all. One of the songs I wrote is called Letting Go. Here are the words:
Letting Go:
Im standing in this place and Ive been here so many times before
Im holding on to things
Im just so scared to let them go
I dont think I can do this at all.
This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight
But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
and I cant wait to see the other side.
Ive felt this way for many years
I feel as though Ive shed this tears before
At times I dont know how Ill change
or maybe I will always feel this way
This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight
But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace, that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
And I cant wait to see the other side.
Im letting go....and I cant wait to see whats on the other side.
I thought about this song today,because lately, my fear has really paralyzed me in some ways that are difficult for me.
I dont like to share about personal things much in my life, but since I know that only my close friends read this blog, or at least I hope that is the case, I am going to share. Not EVERY thing, just some of what has been going on.
Well, I have a fear of putting my heart out there again, I am talking about in relationships with guys. You see, my heart was broken once, and I often feel as though, its easier to just hold on tightly and not put it out there, than to risk it getting broken again. The pain and longing for someone in my life, the one that God has made for me, somehow seems easier to bear than the thought of allowing another person to break my heart and go through the pain again.
Well, these past few weeks, I feel as though God has been trying to get me to let go. First of all in my walk and life with him, to be honest with him and share things with him, and secondly to let go in a certain situation in my life.
I wont go in to great detail, but I will say that God has placed someone in my life that he is asking me to pray about. I have been praying and he has been opening doors, allowing me to see that this person is pursuing me. Tonight, this person invited me to spend sometime with he and some of his friends, I said sure and then went on about my day, he came back 2 or 3 times to confirm that I would come, and as I came home from work and got myself ready to go, I couldnt do it. I made up some excuses and I didnt go. I was scared. I thought, what happens if I go and he is just going to hurt me? The thing is, is that he wasnt mad at me at all. In fact, he was very understanding and instead of spending time with his friends, he spent the rest of the night texting with me, and assuring me that he was not angry with me.
Still, I find myself sitting here, scared. How does this dating thing work? What do I do on a date? How do I act? What do I say? Is there really anything there for him to like? Why would he pursue me? Doesnt he deserve someone better?
You see, my whole life, Ive always been the friend or the bestfriend or the little sister. I have never seen myself as the one that is worthy of being pursued, so now I find myself scared and confused. I want to show interest in someone, I want to put my heart out there again, but I dont want to risk it getting broken again. I want to love someone, I want to get married, I want to have my own children, I want to start a family. But what if Im not a good wife? What if Im a horrible mom? What if Im just not good enough for anyone and Im meant to be alone for the rest of my life?
You see, the "what ifs", they control my life right now. What if I went to hang out with him and his friends and they didnt like me? What if he decided I wasnt good enough? What if I looked really stupid? Im TIRED OF THE WHAT IFS!!! IM TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!! I want to let go!!!
I want some dreams to come true in my life. Im just tired of being SCARED.
Letting Go:
Im standing in this place and Ive been here so many times before
Im holding on to things
Im just so scared to let them go
I dont think I can do this at all.
This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight
But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
and I cant wait to see the other side.
Ive felt this way for many years
I feel as though Ive shed this tears before
At times I dont know how Ill change
or maybe I will always feel this way
This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight
But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace, that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
And I cant wait to see the other side.
Im letting go....and I cant wait to see whats on the other side.
I thought about this song today,because lately, my fear has really paralyzed me in some ways that are difficult for me.
I dont like to share about personal things much in my life, but since I know that only my close friends read this blog, or at least I hope that is the case, I am going to share. Not EVERY thing, just some of what has been going on.
Well, I have a fear of putting my heart out there again, I am talking about in relationships with guys. You see, my heart was broken once, and I often feel as though, its easier to just hold on tightly and not put it out there, than to risk it getting broken again. The pain and longing for someone in my life, the one that God has made for me, somehow seems easier to bear than the thought of allowing another person to break my heart and go through the pain again.
Well, these past few weeks, I feel as though God has been trying to get me to let go. First of all in my walk and life with him, to be honest with him and share things with him, and secondly to let go in a certain situation in my life.
I wont go in to great detail, but I will say that God has placed someone in my life that he is asking me to pray about. I have been praying and he has been opening doors, allowing me to see that this person is pursuing me. Tonight, this person invited me to spend sometime with he and some of his friends, I said sure and then went on about my day, he came back 2 or 3 times to confirm that I would come, and as I came home from work and got myself ready to go, I couldnt do it. I made up some excuses and I didnt go. I was scared. I thought, what happens if I go and he is just going to hurt me? The thing is, is that he wasnt mad at me at all. In fact, he was very understanding and instead of spending time with his friends, he spent the rest of the night texting with me, and assuring me that he was not angry with me.
Still, I find myself sitting here, scared. How does this dating thing work? What do I do on a date? How do I act? What do I say? Is there really anything there for him to like? Why would he pursue me? Doesnt he deserve someone better?
You see, my whole life, Ive always been the friend or the bestfriend or the little sister. I have never seen myself as the one that is worthy of being pursued, so now I find myself scared and confused. I want to show interest in someone, I want to put my heart out there again, but I dont want to risk it getting broken again. I want to love someone, I want to get married, I want to have my own children, I want to start a family. But what if Im not a good wife? What if Im a horrible mom? What if Im just not good enough for anyone and Im meant to be alone for the rest of my life?
You see, the "what ifs", they control my life right now. What if I went to hang out with him and his friends and they didnt like me? What if he decided I wasnt good enough? What if I looked really stupid? Im TIRED OF THE WHAT IFS!!! IM TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!! I want to let go!!!
I want some dreams to come true in my life. Im just tired of being SCARED.
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