So I just got back from my last camp of the summer. I LOVE camp ministry! Honestly, going to camp is one of my favorite parts of the year! I love the people I meet, I love what God can do when we give him a week of our lives and devote it solely to the purpose of getting to know him more and growing in community with fellow believers! But every year I am impressed that no matter what capacity of leadership I go into camp with, God always challenges me just as much, and sometimes MORE than the people around me. THAT was no different this year.
I have gone through alot in the past year. I lost my mom to cancer, I lost my house, I lost my job, I even lost my family in the sense that I moved up to MN, My brother Bolivia and my daddy had to stay in Iowa. So its been a year of God ripping things away from me, or at least that is how it felt. So I went into the camp season this summer with a VERY BITTER heart. I didn't realize how bitter until I began to really seek the heart of God this week. You see, my mom passed in November and I don't know if her death coupled with the other crappy things is what did it, but I have become a VERY cynical person over the past few months. I question everything, I am bitter about life, and I just plain am NOT the happy go lucky Becky that I used to be. I guess you could say, I kind of lost myself. But this week at camp, I believe I have begun to find myself again! Or rather, to find the "me" that God wants me to be. That sounds SUPER CHEESY, but its what God is doing, so I am going to try to stand firm in it!
You see, I guess I had just tried to find someway to hide what I was really feeling, I guess you could say I found a way to deal with the pain of loosing my mom, by hiding or masking it in this horrible cynicism. and to be honest, I didnt really like that person either. So God began to tear that away, he began to reveal to me how beautifully and wonderfully he has created me and how I just need to let that shine through. More than I have been lately. God has given me a gift of leadership, he has given me a chance to counsel and love on people, God is God and I am so thankful that I get the chance to be loved by the God of the universe. I take it for granted so many times. In fact, instead of being cynical, I should be happy and grateful for life. For the things God has given me, both the GOOD and the TOUGH things.
God also challenged me to think alot about who I am. My essential identity. and within that, he challenged me to think about relationships in life. I have never actually had a boyfriend in my life. In fact, I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. Now many of you are just thinking right now, "what a pathetic loser". I know, I know. But you know what? Every one of those choices was completely and totally intentional. You see, I want my future husband to get ALL of me. Now, understand, I have given pieces of my heart to boys before, I have had PLENTY of crushes, I have flirted alot, and I have had many conversations of getting to know boys more. BUT, every single time, I guard my heart. I dont want to get hurt. and I most certainly do not want to do anything that could potentially hurt my future husband either.
But heres the thing, as I begin to think about what that might look like for me in the future, I become scared. I have never been in a relationship before. I have lived my life being very independent, so the idea of letting a man protect me, provide for me, care for me, well, dont get me wrong, it sounds incredible, but I honestly just dont know how that looks. I mean, I can do things for myself, but in a relationship, I should let my partner do things to care for me. And, I should do things for him! this part i have no problem with, in fact, I would love nothing more than to be able to do things for my future husband and care for him. And then theres the whole, "now I have to answer to someone else and not just me" piece of this thing. Which again, can be VERY FUN just alot different. And what if, as I let my guard down, he decides he doesnt like what he sees? What if I am gorgeous to him on the inside and he LOVES my personality, but he doesnt like whats on the outside? so many things. and these walls had to be broken down too and I had to allow God in to repaint the rooms, strip them of many crappy things. and hopefully things will continue to get better.
I am grateful for this week. For the changes God has made in me. For the person he is molding me into. and for the amazing ministry he allowed me to lead this week!
