Thursday, April 30, 2009

a few of my favorite things....

so lately, one of my favorite times of the day is my 30 minute break from work. First of all, because I LOVE my new job and enjoy working at the daycare. and second of all, because at Headstart, where I worked before, I NEVER really got a break. I enjoy sitting in my car most days, sometimes eating a lunch, sometimes snacking on organic and healthy snack foods and sometimes just sitting in the silence and talking to God. Some days I read books, some days I read my Bible. but all days, I feel refreshed and feel that I have met with God, and even 30 minutes in his presence, changes me.

I love this new time in my life and growing. I love working with the babies and thinking about someday (hopefully soon) getting to meet my husband and start our own family. Which for me is good, because I have been scared to dream for so long, I had kind of forgotten about these dreams in my life, or had somehow told myself to push them away when they did come, because the reality of them coming true was not existent, so somehow believing it was just letting myself down. Yesterday, I sat and actually wrote in my journal some names of children that I like and would like to use someday when I have my own children. It was refreshing to dream again.

My health has been improving a great deal too. Less muscle pains, and alot of the hormonal issues that I was dealing with and concerns the doctors had, God has allowed my body to adjust and things are going really well for me right now. I praise God, that although this road of health issues has been long, almost 2 years now, he has been FAITHFUL to me. Faithful as I find out some medicines that work and some that dont work at all. Faithful as I felt so crappy some days, he was there with me. Faithful as I had to miss several days of work at a time a few times, my employers were all understanding. And faithful to provide for me, just when I need it most.

Im thankful I serve a great God and thankful I have made the time to spend with him lately.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Fast is Over....but my new life with Christ has just begun!!

yesterday,was my first day being off of the fast. And I was excited....I mean to eat some of the foods that I had missed. I got to eat some chocolate ice cream cake with double fudge that some friends from church brought me, because they knew my fast broke. The people at work made a nice breakfast of eggs, sausage, and pancakes. And, there was a soup supper at church last night with pie too. I had a fun time....eating all the foods I had missed. However, I had a sadness in my heart as well. A sadness that my sacrificial time for Christ was done. But, its not. Some people I know, after they do a fast, they let life go back to the way it had been before, but I refuse to do that.

I still want to sit in my car everyday at lunch and read my Bible and do devotions, just to spend some extra time with God. I still want to be learning more about Christ and be in constant prayer about the issues of my life, and allowing him to be in complete control. I am his and he is mine and my relationship with him is important to me. Growing closer to him is the single most important thing in my life right now.

As I think about the fast and some of the things God has spoken to me, given to me, and shown me, I am thankful and amazed. I dont want this to be the end of God working in my life. and I dont want this to be the end of my treating my body with more respect as far as what I put into it and eating in a much more healthy manner.

God has been doing some great things. Speaking to me about new ministry opportunities and placing them right in my lap. Showing me who he wants me to be. and allowing me to realize that it is okay to dream again. I am learning so much about the character of our God, its funny, but its kind of like being in a new relationship. I look forward to my times with him. I get excited to learn something new about him. I long to have more time with him. And I long to show him how much I love him. I want EVERYTHING I do to be a time of serving Christ.

Also, I am learning that he really does have a perfect plan for me and allow there are days that I struggle to see why I am still in Oskaloosa, why I am still single, and why I am working at a daycare instead of full time youth ministry, he leads me, he shows me that he has a plan in mind for me. He is using me right where I am at. In a new middle school ministry, which is both scary and exciting all at the same time. he is using me to reach people at work, that would not otherwise be reached. He is using me, every time I let him.

I am so thankful to Christ for the great friends I have. The great ministry I have. and the great love that he shows me each day of my life.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Quit Playing Games With My Heart....

Sacrifice has some of the greatest rewards....

As I have been on this Daniel Fast, God has been speaking to me ALOT. He has been working in my life and has been drawing me closer to him. I am so thankful for that too. One of the things he has been doing is allowing me to look back on my life and see how far he has brought me and the ways he has made me into the person he wants me to be.
So, I was sitting in my car yesterday eating some fruit and veggies on my break from work and thinking about how much God has been doing. I put in a cd to listen to while I was eating. I grabbed one out of the glove compartment of my car and it turned out to be an old mix cd I had made for a guy I thought I was going to marry. I put it in, and began to listen. I actually began to cry.
Let me explain a little bit of our story. This guy, his name was Gary. Gary and I met in college. He was a Junior when I was a freshman. Gary and I were very good friends to begin with. We just hit it off right away. We would spend lots of time together, him playing his guitar, me singing. Sometimes we would do homework together or pray together. Gary learned to play some love songs on his guitar just for me. I remember that he made me feel special. I felt cherished, loved, worthy when he was around. When we spent time together, I felt like he cared about me alot. I remember one of the first things he ever did for me was learning to play, "Hopelessly Devoted" on his guitar for me. It was from the movie Grease. One day we were sitting at our college coffee house ministry and out of nowhere I burst into song, like I do quite often, and that was the song I chose. He worked on it for several weeks and for my birthday, he played it for me. I melted. I mean, I dont know about many other girls, but when you love to sing, and probably even if you dont, when a guy learns and plays a song just for you, its like "magic", amazingly every bad and horrible thing they have ever said or done is erased, and they are a prince.
Just a few months later, he learned another song for me, "When You Say Nothing At All" by Allison Krause. Now for those of you that are reading this, and you have been a part of my life for very long, you know that this is my all time favorite love song, when I get married, I want it at my wedding. In fact, at Meggan and Trevors wedding, two of my closest friends, Meggan made me dance with Trevor, because she knew I loved the song. She had picked it because I was a bridesmaid and she wanted to have it at the dance for me. Needless to say, when Gary played the song, I was hooked. He could have told me he hated me after singing it, and I was floating so high on cloud nine, i never would have heard it.
Gary, as you can see, was my first and actually my ONLY love. Unfortunetly, Gary broke my heart. He led me on. He played with my heart and then left me standing in confusion and heartbreak. As I listened to the cd, all of those things began to flood back in. The songs he had learned for me, the times we spent together, all of it. I had given him ALL of me, and he took my heart and broke it into pieces.
But ironically, as I listened to the songs, the reason I was crying was that I had realized that I had given ALL of myself to Gary and he wasnt even the one for me. I wasnt crying because I missed Gary, I was crying because I am dreaming of the day when I meet the man that God has for me. I was crying because I realized how much I had given to Gary and yet, I didnt know if I had been that commited to my Lord and Savior.
I love the show One Tree Hill and I watch it all the time. A couple weeks ago, Brooke shared the quote, "Im tired of being the foot note in someone elses love story." That quote came into my mind as I was reminicing. This last week, on the show, Brooke shared that she was scared to love again because her heart had been broken too many times. She had given her whole heart in relationship after relationship and over and over again it was broken. That is how I feel too. I realize that I am scared to love anyone, Im scared to let people in. I let people in after Gary. There was Jonathan, but I couldnt be myself around him. I had to smoke and swear and become someone I wasnt proud to be at all. I knew that wasnt love, so it had to end. There were others, but I got to a point where I got scared, so I did everything I could to push them away.
Now, I am 27 years old, and Im alone. I mean, I have friends and family that I would not trade for the world, but the man, the one Im going to fall in love with, the one who is going to cherish me and only me, the one who I will marry, the one who I will have kids with, the one that I will grow old with, I havent met him yet and I miss him.
Im tired of being scared, Im tired of being everyones friend or litttle sister. I want to be the girl that gets the guy in the epic love story, not the girls bestfriend. I guess Im just realizing that I want to dream again and I want to find the one that will make those dreams come true. I miss my future husband and I wish I could meet him soon.
That is all for this post, sorry if its kinda sappy, just where Im at today.