I think that every year I write a blog about New Years Eve, almost like a tradition or something. I think I write a blog on Valentines Day every year too. But here it goes...
Since I was a little girl, Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year. I loved decorating the house with my mom, I loved going shopping with my mom, I dont even mean just for presents, but I mean going to get all the groceries and things needed to make the holidays special. We always drove around our neighborhood looking at lights, one of moms favorite things to do each year :) I loved going to houses and delivering goody plates with her that she had taken such care to make for each and every person she was delivering too. I loved how Bryan and I would wake up on Christmas morning to the presents under the tree :) We always knew that wasnt the reason for the season, but it was still a special time, Bryan had his side, all of his presents wrapped in paper mom had speically chosen and taken care to wrap each gift, his boy stocking and boy snowflake bear carefully placed in front of his mound of gifts. and my side of the tree the same, my carefully wrapped gifts, my snowflake girl bear, and my girl stocking :) Daddy and Mommys gifts always in the middle. It was always tradition that I had more presents on my side of the tree than Bryan. My mom HATED this, but here is the thing, Bryan would ask for things like guitars, amplifiers, big gifts :) and I would ask for cd's, dvd's, make up, books, the littler gifts. The Christmas season was a speical time in our house. It started at Thanksgiving, mom always made a huge meal and for breakfast her speical egg casserole, we would settle down for the Macys parade and mom would watch while running in and out of the kitchen getting our meal ready for the day. We would then go to our adopted Grandma and Grandpas place and eat with them. We had a tradition that before we ate anything we would go around the table and share what we were thankful for. I LOVED going to grandma and grandpa lindseys. Then Bryan and I would come back home and watch Home Alone.
I could go on and on about our traditions, but you see, this year, I HATED the holidays :( I know I sound like scrooge, but its true I hated it. I put up decorations here in the house to keep in the spirit, but all it did was serve as a reminder of my mother, we put all of HER decorations up. Her favorite part of Christmas, in college, my friends would joke that Christmas threw up in our house and they LOVED it and so did we!! Dad and I were alone on Thanksgiving, we watched the parade, dad even made breakfast, but it just wasnt the same. We went to see mom, but she just didnt have much happiness either. Bryan and Molly came to visit a few weeks later, a week before actual Christmas. and we had a great visit, but it sure wasnt long enough, and it still meant that on the actual Christmas Eve and Day, Daddy and I were again, alone. We went to church, we went to see mom, but it just wasnt the same. I found myself wishing the days would just be over and done with....because seeing peoples facebooks about celebrating their holidays just made me more mad and more jealous with every glance.
Now its New Years Eve and here I am, sitting alone again. My dad is here and we are trying to make it special, but its just NOT THE SAME!!! I miss my mom! I miss my brother! I just plain MISS THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE!! I know, I know, as we grow up those things change, but that just sucks. You see, if you look back up to all the traditions of Christmas, they all include my mom. and this season has just served as a reminder that she is still not here with us, at least she is still alive and we can visit her....but I still miss her!!
I guess that this year, New Years Eve is going to be a night of prayer for me. Prayer that things will be different and better in 2012! I want my mom to get her life back! I want my dad not to be so lonely! I want to find the man of my dreams. I want 2012 to be a year of joy!!!! It is also happens to be the year that I turn.....gulp....30! So I hope it is not selfish, but I am hoping for a better year.
I do want to say that I am VERY THANKFUL for the things God did this year. My mother is still in remission from her cancer!!!! Praise the Lord!!! Since moving home and into a house with my dad, his health is better than it has been in very long time!! My physical health has gotten better as well, still not quite up to par, but SO MUCH better than it was. My brother and his wife are having an amazing ministry in Bolivia. I had a good ministry in Sumner and am having a great ministry now that I have moved back to Oskaloosa as well. Although I have had many trials this year, I am thankful that through them all, God has drawn my closer to himself. I am very thankful that I serve a living God!!!
Happy New Year to you all :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
New Years Eve......
Okay, you all have known me for long enough to know that I am a hopeless romantic. If there is a cheesy romantic chick flick to be seen, I WILL be there, and I will probably ask for the DVD for Christmas or my birthday :) I, in true fashion, made NO EXCEPTION when it came to "New Years Eve", now I know, you can tell from the preview it is going to be really cheesy and filled with lots of little love stories, and since it is written in the same style as "Valentines Day", many people Im sure have already made the same vow my brother has, "I WILL NOT BE SEEING THAT MOVIE". But since when do I follow the crowd people? In fact, to be honest with you, that cheesy sappiness is what drew me right in :)
I have to be honest, when I was living alone in Sumner, I would often times go and rent those chick flicks and watch them by myself in my apartment. I guess for me, it keeps the dream alive. See, I am going to be that tough age in just a little over a month, the BIG 3-0....and it has been REALLY TOUGH for me to face it :( even though my preschoolers tell me, "it does sound VERY OLD Miss Becky, but we love you, and really you dont look that old and you are not as tall as a 30 year old either :) " Love those kids. BUT, hitting the age has made me realize what I think about every time I see one of those chick flicks, I am alone, I am 30 years old, I have NEVER been on a date in my life, I have NEVER been kissed, I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I just plain feel like a pathetic loser. There, I said it. You see the reality is, when I watch these movies I always have a good cry. I think thats good for us every now and again though. Those good crys :)
But as I said, watching these movies keeps those dreams alive for me. Tonight watching "New Years Eve" brought alot of those same things to me again. There was a woman in the movie tonight who had her "resolutions list", it was really more of a bucket list, but see she was in much the same boat as me, she was a single woman, alone, she had friends, but inside, she was dying, because she had never really made choices for herself. She had lived her life making sure everyone else was pleased and putting herself last. Dont take this as me saying Im a saint, I am FAR FROM THAT. I just realized that I have a list of those dreams too and I guess, as I hit that age of 30, I am beginning to worry that maybe I am not going to get to see any of those dreams come true. And I dont want that to happen. I have always been a dreamer, always believed that things would happen for me, but in Gods time and not mine. I dont want to loose that. Its just that as I look around and see all of my friends, dating, in relationships, engaged, married, becoming parents, it does make me jealous. I am not afraid to admit that! I am very happy for them, I just find myself asking, "what is it about me that makes me so repulsive?" "Do I really have the qualities that would make a guy want ME?" And many times I am scared of the answers. But IM TIRED OF BEING SO SCARED! IM TIRED OF NOT LIVING LIFE!!!
SO....I am going to write my list, right here. My hope is that by writing my list, some of might keep me accountable to making the things on my list happen and that you might pray with me about the things that only God can make happen, in HIS TIME. I had a conversation with one of my best friends from college a few months ago, Meggan Schwirtz. She was in a wedding, her mom asked her, "well Meggan, is this the last wedding you will be in?" and Meggan replied to her, "nope, I have one more" her mom said, "whose is that?" and Meggan replied to her, as if I already had the ring on my finger, "well Beckys, of course, she is going to make some guy very lucky!". I wish that I had the same confidence in myself that SHE has in me, but that is why she will be in my wedding, IF it ever occurs, because she does believe in me, cares for me, and supports me. I am thankful for many others in my life who do too. So without further ado...here is my list :)
1- Meet the Man of my Dreams
2- go on a date- actually go on ALOT of dates, with said person in #1!!!
3- Have my very own prom- I have never been to a dance or a prom in my life as the church we grew up in frowned upon this, and I never want to break the rules :)
4- go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas Time and see the Big Christmas Tree
5- Go to Disneyland at Christmas Time and see the Christmas Parade
6- Record my own album
7- Write my own music and actually have the courage to share it with people.
8- Write a book
9- Have my own children and adopt some too.
10- Visit Ireland and learn about my heritage
11- Dance in the Rain
12- Have the BIGGEST WEDDING EVER with the man of my dreams :)
13- Start a youth center and help youth who so desperately need it
14- Build, Manage, and Direct my very own camp
15- Go on a HUGE SHOPPPING SPREE at what other store, OLD NAVY of course :)
16- sing in front of ALOT of people!
17- Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
18- Visit Stars Hollow :)
19- See all of my favorite bands perform live!!
20- Spend New Years Eve with the man I love and get kissed at Midnight.
21- Lead Worship with the man of my dreams
22- Learn to Play Guitar
23- Learn to play piano
24- Visit California
I have MANY DREAMS, but these are some of the biggest ones. Bottom line is that, I know I am already blessed with the most amazing family and friends, but there are still dreams that I have and things in my life that I want to achieve and I hope that I get the chance to do some of them!!!!
I have to be honest, when I was living alone in Sumner, I would often times go and rent those chick flicks and watch them by myself in my apartment. I guess for me, it keeps the dream alive. See, I am going to be that tough age in just a little over a month, the BIG 3-0....and it has been REALLY TOUGH for me to face it :( even though my preschoolers tell me, "it does sound VERY OLD Miss Becky, but we love you, and really you dont look that old and you are not as tall as a 30 year old either :) " Love those kids. BUT, hitting the age has made me realize what I think about every time I see one of those chick flicks, I am alone, I am 30 years old, I have NEVER been on a date in my life, I have NEVER been kissed, I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I just plain feel like a pathetic loser. There, I said it. You see the reality is, when I watch these movies I always have a good cry. I think thats good for us every now and again though. Those good crys :)
But as I said, watching these movies keeps those dreams alive for me. Tonight watching "New Years Eve" brought alot of those same things to me again. There was a woman in the movie tonight who had her "resolutions list", it was really more of a bucket list, but see she was in much the same boat as me, she was a single woman, alone, she had friends, but inside, she was dying, because she had never really made choices for herself. She had lived her life making sure everyone else was pleased and putting herself last. Dont take this as me saying Im a saint, I am FAR FROM THAT. I just realized that I have a list of those dreams too and I guess, as I hit that age of 30, I am beginning to worry that maybe I am not going to get to see any of those dreams come true. And I dont want that to happen. I have always been a dreamer, always believed that things would happen for me, but in Gods time and not mine. I dont want to loose that. Its just that as I look around and see all of my friends, dating, in relationships, engaged, married, becoming parents, it does make me jealous. I am not afraid to admit that! I am very happy for them, I just find myself asking, "what is it about me that makes me so repulsive?" "Do I really have the qualities that would make a guy want ME?" And many times I am scared of the answers. But IM TIRED OF BEING SO SCARED! IM TIRED OF NOT LIVING LIFE!!!
SO....I am going to write my list, right here. My hope is that by writing my list, some of might keep me accountable to making the things on my list happen and that you might pray with me about the things that only God can make happen, in HIS TIME. I had a conversation with one of my best friends from college a few months ago, Meggan Schwirtz. She was in a wedding, her mom asked her, "well Meggan, is this the last wedding you will be in?" and Meggan replied to her, "nope, I have one more" her mom said, "whose is that?" and Meggan replied to her, as if I already had the ring on my finger, "well Beckys, of course, she is going to make some guy very lucky!". I wish that I had the same confidence in myself that SHE has in me, but that is why she will be in my wedding, IF it ever occurs, because she does believe in me, cares for me, and supports me. I am thankful for many others in my life who do too. So without further ado...here is my list :)
1- Meet the Man of my Dreams
2- go on a date- actually go on ALOT of dates, with said person in #1!!!
3- Have my very own prom- I have never been to a dance or a prom in my life as the church we grew up in frowned upon this, and I never want to break the rules :)
4- go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas Time and see the Big Christmas Tree
5- Go to Disneyland at Christmas Time and see the Christmas Parade
6- Record my own album
7- Write my own music and actually have the courage to share it with people.
8- Write a book
9- Have my own children and adopt some too.
10- Visit Ireland and learn about my heritage
11- Dance in the Rain
12- Have the BIGGEST WEDDING EVER with the man of my dreams :)
13- Start a youth center and help youth who so desperately need it
14- Build, Manage, and Direct my very own camp
15- Go on a HUGE SHOPPPING SPREE at what other store, OLD NAVY of course :)
16- sing in front of ALOT of people!
17- Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
18- Visit Stars Hollow :)
19- See all of my favorite bands perform live!!
20- Spend New Years Eve with the man I love and get kissed at Midnight.
21- Lead Worship with the man of my dreams
22- Learn to Play Guitar
23- Learn to play piano
24- Visit California
I have MANY DREAMS, but these are some of the biggest ones. Bottom line is that, I know I am already blessed with the most amazing family and friends, but there are still dreams that I have and things in my life that I want to achieve and I hope that I get the chance to do some of them!!!!
pop tarts
Okay, so I know I have not been so great at getting time to write on my blog lately....but when I get time, I write what has been on my mind. Todays is kind of a random thought, but please read all of this before writing me off :)
Poptarts, okay, so I think we can all admit that we love these things to indulge in every once in a while :) You can eat poptarts in two different ways. You can just open up that package and take one out right away....or, if you have the patience, you can wait the extra few minutes, warm it up in the toaster and then pull out and induldge in that gooey deliciousness :0)
Most of the time, I take the easy route, I open the package and just bite in on my way out the door to work. But boy on those days when I take the extra time to put it in the toaster, I think to myself, "why dont I just have the patience to wait everyday and enjoy what I know could be even better if I was just willing to wait a few minutes." :)
Okay, now go with me on this, sometimes I think this is how we treat our lives as well. First of all, we get so busy and so caught up that we miss the beauty around us. We miss the smiles on our friends faces, we miss going to hang out because we just have to many other things to get done. We miss life, because we are just too busy. I watched a movie a couple weeks ago called, "Conversations with God". One of the quotes from the amazing movie was from a woman who had been missing out, she said, "Im so busy making a living that Im not living at all, in fact, Im making a dying". You see she had been missing out on all the joy around her, because she was just settling for working and not living.
In our spiritual lives it is much the same. We all get so busy with all the other "stuff" and God is usually one of the first things that we easily let go of. We dont do our devotions, or we just take a quick 5 minutes and tell God what we need. We settle for as little as possible, BUT, if we just took a few extra minutes, what could we find in those minutes?
Would we find peace to help us through the worries and trials? Would we find joy instead of heart ache? Would we find strength to help us face what lies ahead? Would we find the real savior that we claim to love so much? I think we would be surprised with what we would find. I know I have been. In my life this past year, EVERYTHING has been torn from me. My mother has been very sick and unable to be there for me like she has been my whole life, my baby brother got married and moved to Bolivia and we have been bestfriends all of our lives, I had to learn to live life without him. I even moved away from home for a year, living completely alone, all a plan from my Lord and Savior who loves me enough to pull me through the crud, if it means my coming closer to him. I have been learning to cherish these quiet times, and when I miss them, my day is just not the same. I NEED them, I need JESUS!
Now I am in no way comparing our Lord to some measly toaster pastry, just the idea that for me, I realize that this small thing, made me think about something much bigger than I.
I havent always enjoyed football, but when I lived with my brother and his friends, we watched alot of it and I actually began to really enjoy it, now I follow some teams and watch it on my own sometimes! Well of course in the news right now is Tim Tebow. He is in the news because of the life he is choosing to live for Christ. And he is catching alot of flack for it, but you know what, HE DOESNT CARE! He says, "its my relationship with God, I want to shout about it any chance I get". So thats what I want to start doing too. If that means that every time I enjoy a pop tart (toasted of course) it reminds me of the sweetness of that precious time with Christ, them more power to you little pop tart! I vow to do this with my life as well, I will shout about my relationship with God and I will spend that extra time alone with him, so I have even more to shout about :)
I love you friends.
Merry Christmas!!!
Poptarts, okay, so I think we can all admit that we love these things to indulge in every once in a while :) You can eat poptarts in two different ways. You can just open up that package and take one out right away....or, if you have the patience, you can wait the extra few minutes, warm it up in the toaster and then pull out and induldge in that gooey deliciousness :0)
Most of the time, I take the easy route, I open the package and just bite in on my way out the door to work. But boy on those days when I take the extra time to put it in the toaster, I think to myself, "why dont I just have the patience to wait everyday and enjoy what I know could be even better if I was just willing to wait a few minutes." :)
Okay, now go with me on this, sometimes I think this is how we treat our lives as well. First of all, we get so busy and so caught up that we miss the beauty around us. We miss the smiles on our friends faces, we miss going to hang out because we just have to many other things to get done. We miss life, because we are just too busy. I watched a movie a couple weeks ago called, "Conversations with God". One of the quotes from the amazing movie was from a woman who had been missing out, she said, "Im so busy making a living that Im not living at all, in fact, Im making a dying". You see she had been missing out on all the joy around her, because she was just settling for working and not living.
In our spiritual lives it is much the same. We all get so busy with all the other "stuff" and God is usually one of the first things that we easily let go of. We dont do our devotions, or we just take a quick 5 minutes and tell God what we need. We settle for as little as possible, BUT, if we just took a few extra minutes, what could we find in those minutes?
Would we find peace to help us through the worries and trials? Would we find joy instead of heart ache? Would we find strength to help us face what lies ahead? Would we find the real savior that we claim to love so much? I think we would be surprised with what we would find. I know I have been. In my life this past year, EVERYTHING has been torn from me. My mother has been very sick and unable to be there for me like she has been my whole life, my baby brother got married and moved to Bolivia and we have been bestfriends all of our lives, I had to learn to live life without him. I even moved away from home for a year, living completely alone, all a plan from my Lord and Savior who loves me enough to pull me through the crud, if it means my coming closer to him. I have been learning to cherish these quiet times, and when I miss them, my day is just not the same. I NEED them, I need JESUS!
Now I am in no way comparing our Lord to some measly toaster pastry, just the idea that for me, I realize that this small thing, made me think about something much bigger than I.
I havent always enjoyed football, but when I lived with my brother and his friends, we watched alot of it and I actually began to really enjoy it, now I follow some teams and watch it on my own sometimes! Well of course in the news right now is Tim Tebow. He is in the news because of the life he is choosing to live for Christ. And he is catching alot of flack for it, but you know what, HE DOESNT CARE! He says, "its my relationship with God, I want to shout about it any chance I get". So thats what I want to start doing too. If that means that every time I enjoy a pop tart (toasted of course) it reminds me of the sweetness of that precious time with Christ, them more power to you little pop tart! I vow to do this with my life as well, I will shout about my relationship with God and I will spend that extra time alone with him, so I have even more to shout about :)
I love you friends.
Merry Christmas!!!
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