New Years Eve......

Okay, you all have known me for long enough to know that I am a hopeless romantic. If there is a cheesy romantic chick flick to be seen, I WILL be there, and I will probably ask for the DVD for Christmas or my birthday :) I, in true fashion, made NO EXCEPTION when it came to "New Years Eve", now I know, you can tell from the preview it is going to be really cheesy and filled with lots of little love stories, and since it is written in the same style as "Valentines Day", many people Im sure have already made the same vow my brother has, "I WILL NOT BE SEEING THAT MOVIE". But since when do I follow the crowd people? In fact, to be honest with you, that cheesy sappiness is what drew me right in :)

I have to be honest, when I was living alone in Sumner, I would often times go and rent those chick flicks and watch them by myself in my apartment. I guess for me, it keeps the dream alive. See, I am going to be that tough age in just a little over a month, the BIG 3-0....and it has been REALLY TOUGH for me to face it :( even though my preschoolers tell me, "it does sound VERY OLD Miss Becky, but we love you, and really you dont look that old and you are not as tall as a 30 year old either :) " Love those kids. BUT, hitting the age has made me realize what I think about every time I see one of those chick flicks, I am alone, I am 30 years old, I have NEVER been on a date in my life, I have NEVER been kissed, I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I just plain feel like a pathetic loser. There, I said it. You see the reality is, when I watch these movies I always have a good cry. I think thats good for us every now and again though. Those good crys :)

But as I said, watching these movies keeps those dreams alive for me. Tonight watching "New Years Eve" brought alot of those same things to me again. There was a woman in the movie tonight who had her "resolutions list", it was really more of a bucket list, but see she was in much the same boat as me, she was a single woman, alone, she had friends, but inside, she was dying, because she had never really made choices for herself. She had lived her life making sure everyone else was pleased and putting herself last. Dont take this as me saying Im a saint, I am FAR FROM THAT. I just realized that I have a list of those dreams too and I guess, as I hit that age of 30, I am beginning to worry that maybe I am not going to get to see any of those dreams come true. And I dont want that to happen. I have always been a dreamer, always believed that things would happen for me, but in Gods time and not mine. I dont want to loose that. Its just that as I look around and see all of my friends, dating, in relationships, engaged, married, becoming parents, it does make me jealous. I am not afraid to admit that! I am very happy for them, I just find myself asking, "what is it about me that makes me so repulsive?" "Do I really have the qualities that would make a guy want ME?" And many times I am scared of the answers. But IM TIRED OF BEING SO SCARED! IM TIRED OF NOT LIVING LIFE!!!

SO....I am going to write my list, right here. My hope is that by writing my list, some of might keep me accountable to making the things on my list happen and that you might pray with me about the things that only God can make happen, in HIS TIME. I had a conversation with one of my best friends from college a few months ago, Meggan Schwirtz. She was in a wedding, her mom asked her, "well Meggan, is this the last wedding you will be in?" and Meggan replied to her, "nope, I have one more" her mom said, "whose is that?" and Meggan replied to her, as if I already had the ring on my finger, "well Beckys, of course, she is going to make some guy very lucky!". I wish that I had the same confidence in myself that SHE has in me, but that is why she will be in my wedding, IF it ever occurs, because she does believe in me, cares for me, and supports me. I am thankful for many others in my life who do too. So without further ado...here is my list :)

1- Meet the Man of my Dreams
2- go on a date- actually go on ALOT of dates, with said person in #1!!!
3- Have my very own prom- I have never been to a dance or a prom in my life as the church we grew up in frowned upon this, and I never want to break the rules :)
4- go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas Time and see the Big Christmas Tree
5- Go to Disneyland at Christmas Time and see the Christmas Parade
6- Record my own album
7- Write my own music and actually have the courage to share it with people.
8- Write a book
9- Have my own children and adopt some too.
10- Visit Ireland and learn about my heritage
11- Dance in the Rain
12- Have the BIGGEST WEDDING EVER with the man of my dreams :)
13- Start a youth center and help youth who so desperately need it
14- Build, Manage, and Direct my very own camp
15- Go on a HUGE SHOPPPING SPREE at what other store, OLD NAVY of course :)
16- sing in front of ALOT of people!
17- Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
18- Visit Stars Hollow :)
19- See all of my favorite bands perform live!!
20- Spend New Years Eve with the man I love and get kissed at Midnight.
21- Lead Worship with the man of my dreams
22- Learn to Play Guitar
23- Learn to play piano
24- Visit California

I have MANY DREAMS, but these are some of the biggest ones. Bottom line is that, I know I am already blessed with the most amazing family and friends, but there are still dreams that I have and things in my life that I want to achieve and I hope that I get the chance to do some of them!!!!