But what if I fall?

Working at a daycare, I feel like I learn new lessons every day. Kids are people in this world that are just trying to figure it all out. The say things innocently without understanding its full meaning. The play and have fun with kids, and they dont care about color, size, anything, just that they are all friends caring for one another. Sometimes, as they are figuring life out, I see myself in them. I see things that they do and wonder if that is how I figured it all out. and sometimes, I look at them and parallel to my life.

For example, yesterday, there was a little boy that was standing at the top of the firemans pole on the playground. He wanted so badly to slide down it and enjoy the fun, but he was scared, he looked at me and said, " But Becky, what if I fall?" I looked at him and said, show me Evan, show me you can do it and I will be here to help if you need. He didnt need me, in fact, he LOVED the feeling of taking that step. I wonder if this is how life is for me right now. I am so scared in life and while i want freedom and im tired of being scared, I keep saying, " But, God, what if I fall?" and I hear his still small voice saying, 'Becky, you can do it, and if you need me, I will be here', further more I hear him saying, ' there is great blessing I have for you, if you will just take the steps of faith and not worry about falling'.

so, this is what I have done this week, with much prayer and God by my side, I have taken some HUGE steps of faith and there are still more to be taken. I cant wait to see what he continues to do as I trust him and serve him.

But the challenge, as it was for me, is, are you scared of falling? Is that what is keeping you from blessing from God. You keep asking, " but what if I fall?" God is right there, to catch you, to help you, to love you....he is there and he wants to bless you.

We all want to feel something

For the past 3 nights, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I have had the joy and very rare priviledge of having the apartment to myself. Bryan, my brother has had various events to be at and Kelly, a friend of ours that is living with us for the summer has had his own set of events as well. And I welcomed the solitude and silence. I have done homework, I have cleaned and organized my room, and I have taken some much needed time to think and relax. It is very rare lately that I have time to sit in silence and think. Let myself think about those things that I push aside, sometimes things that I have tried NOT to think about. As I have had time alone and time to just sit and chat with God, some amazing things have happened.

None of these things are HUGE revelations and or anything, just good for me to have and go through. One of the things I have been thinking about alot lately is Mr. Right. Now, in one of my previous posts, I talked about a guy who has shown some interest and my fear to move forward or let anything happen, because of the past. Tonight, I decided to put in another chick flick, my third one of the weekend :) Actually, each one has taught me something or made me think, but tonight, I had some major revelations. I know, I know, from a chick flick? But its true.

In 13 going on 30, my ALL TIME FAVORITE chick flick, by the way, Jenna Rink has alot of great lines. As she is introducing her pitch or idea for the magazine, toward the end of the movie, she is thinking back and realizing some of the mistakes shes made, some of the things she has missed out on, and she uses this quote, " We all want to feel something, some of us have just forgotten what its like to feel, or we didnt realize what we were leaving behind". This quote, for some reason, hit me really hard tonight when I was watching the movie.

I guess because, I am in that boat right now. I have not honestly allowed myself to have true feelings for a guy in like 4 years. After college, I decided I had been hurt too many times, and I was not about to let anyone in to hurt me again. So, I quit letting myself have crushes, and if I did have a crush, I did not allow myself to feel anything for them and made the feelings, " go away", so to speak, I just didnt allow myself to think about it or feel anything. If I am being honest, I have really been numb in this area for about 4 years now. I have had my attractions to guys and I have even spoken with them and tried to let them in, but the guard was up and I never did let it down. I have family and friends in my life who are incredible, and I have had great feeling when it comes to them, but beyond those feelings of love, I am a closed door.

I just think I am finally ready to feel again. Ready to have butterflies when I see him. Ready to jump with excitement when he calls me. Ready to look into his eyes and know he sees beauty in me, that maybe I dont even see in myself. Ready to just feel SOMETHING. I have prided myself in waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along and I do not regret that at all, but if the right guy is here now and I am missing it because of fear, then I want that to end.

This guy is like my "perfect guy" or so it seems right now, and I think that is what scares me. He is a youth pastor. He loves music. He is very sensitive. He has great family values. He is great with kids and wants to have some of his own someday. He likes to spend time with me. and he has pursued me, if I would just quit pushing him away. I am not saying, he is the one. I am not even saying we will date. I am just saying, I am ready to feel again and I dont want to miss out on him, because Im scared.

I will continue to think and pray about this. Probably more in my blog later this week :)