I think that I am going to start designating Friday as my blogging days. Days where I sit and reflect on the lessons that God has taught me throughout the week. Because, lets be honest, I dont have much time through out the week to do it. :) Unless the weather is so unbearably cold that work is cancelled. Which I will tell you that while I enjoyed a day off this week, I will give up the cold for work anytime! But again, I disgress.....
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
If Im Being Honest.....
Well, moving to Minnesota, while one of the best decisions of my life, sometimes feels like a not so great one :) Okay so I am only saying that because today I am sitting in my house with -50 temps outside right now, work being cancelled because of the extreme cold temperatures. Ugh! My body is NOT SO GREAT at handling these cold temps either :( I have had arthritis since I was 14 and cold temps like this just don't feel so great. :( But I digress. I am also THANKFUL for this time to work from home and reflect as well. So, I decided to blog today.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
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