Christmas with the Canny's

Christmas was always my favorite holiday. I remember when I was little I started listening to Christmas music in October, right after Halloween. It drove my family crazy sometimes, but they loved me anyways. Christmas, I realize, was my favorite because my mom made it so special in our home. We had SO MANY traditions. So many things in our family. and now, that we are all apart, I miss them. Its as though the "magic" of Christmas has gone.

I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!

So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.

It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling  you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a  little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.

Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.

The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.

You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.

Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.

My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.

This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.

I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!

Count Your Blessings....

So A few weeks ago, my friend posted this on her blog. and I thought, what better way to choose Joy, what better way to count my blessings than to do what she did? So Here they are, the 7 deadly sins, with a twist. 

seven great things in your life.

1. My daddy. He is one of the most loving, caring, and supportive people I have ever met in my life. He has shown me what true love really means as he loved my mother with a love I have never seen from anyone else. and he loves my brother and I with an incredible love. He loves my niece with an indescribable love. He cares for others and he loves his God with EVERYTHING that is in him. 

2. My church. I am GREATFUL that I have the church family I do. They love me unconditionally. They take care of me. They make me feel important and special often. and they give me a chance to serve in the best way I know how. 

3. My Small Group. I get to meet with some of the most amazing people every Monday Night. We read the Bible together. We do life together. We share the happy moments, we care for one another during the trials. All in all, we are there for each other. And I believe with all of my heart that I would not make it through life without them in it. 

4. My Girl Friends. I have some of the BEST friends in the World. Ones from College  who have been my some of bestfriends for 13 years, and I know will be there for another 13 and more! You are amazing. I have so many women in my life who I am greatful for in Minnesota as well. Ones who are in my small group. Ones who are from Red Rock Camp who have become far more than just camp friends. Ones from my church family. ones I have had the joy of working with. ALL of you I am greatful for and thank God for each and everyday!

5. My honoary brothers. I have so many guys in my life who I am thankful for daily. The ones who were in college with me who teased me like a little sister but also took care of me, stood up for me, and watched out for me often. Ones who I can call now who will fix my car at a moments notice, who will drop what they are doing to come and pick me up when my car breaks down on the side of the road. Ones who will stand up for me when I am not being treated fairly and Im too nice to do it myself. Ones who will watch football with me. and yes, ones who still tease me, because i know their teasing is done in love for me. 

6. My baby brother, he has been my BEST friend since I was 2 years old and that will never change. I can laugh with him, I can cry with him. I can share moments with him that i can share with noone else. He is the best brother I could have ever asked for and he has given me 2 of the most amazing gifts in the World. An Incredible Sister in Law whom I am very greatful for and the most beautiful little girl in the World who I get to call my niece :) and she even looks like me! ha ha! 

7.  My un-phaseable ambition

seven things you lack and covet.

1. Money

2. A Better Car

3. A Skinnier Body

4. A Man (someone to cherish, and someone who cherishes me)

5. Children of my own

6. Family that lives close to me
7. Skills in the kitchen.

seven things that make you angry.

1. People who are not authentic or fake with each other

2. My moms death

3. My brother, my sister in law, and my niece live too far away

4. People who dont care about other people

5.  Murder

6. Mental Illness and how it affects the people I love

7.  CANCER, it sucks!

seven things that you neglect to do.

1. Sometimes I forget my house chores (sorry roomates, I will try to do better.)

2. Call my friends as often as I should

3. Eat breakfast.

4. Exercise (okay, ever)

5.  Write music as much as I want to

6. Read 

7. Blog

seven worldly material desires.

1. A new car

2.  An Ipad (I traded mine in and I miss it alot)

3.  A Brand New Bed

4.  Money so I never have to worry about anything material again. 

5. My own house that is fully furnished with everything. 

6. My Own Keyboard

7. I cant think of a number 7. 

seven guilty pleasures.

1. GLEE

2. Chocolate Anything

3. Ice cream. 

4. Reading (Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and many other books as well.)

5. Pop of almost any kind (especially Cherry Coke and Root Beer)

6. Eating Out

7. Facebook.

seven things you love about love.

1. Seeing someone in a way that noone else does

2. laughing together

3. Being best friends.

   4. Knowing things about them that noone else knows. 

5. Caring about someone in a deep and meaningful way. 

6. Knowing that someone loves you unconditionally

7. Relying on each other no matter what. 

THIS was fun! You should all do it too. I am thankful for the things God has given me in life. and for those things I dont have. Im thankful that God has shown me that HE is enough. 

Choose Joy

So its November. Thanksgiving time to be exact. Now, for those of you who know me at all, you know that November has become a very difficult time for me. Its my "dark month" if you will. It all actually starts in October. October is a time of great loss for many of my friends and family members. And October is the month when I got the call last year that I would be loosing my mom to her battle with Cancer, just 10 days later, on November 8th, I lost her on this Earth. Now, I know that I have hope of seeing her again someday. I know that she had GREAT FAITH and that she lived her life for God. I know that she left an incredible legacy, but all of that doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone. I cant pick up the phone and call her on the days when Im hurting, I cant laugh with her at the funny things. I cant come home for the holidays and enjoy her food and help her decorate. It doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone! and I miss her. 

I pride myself in being very bubbly and happy most of the time. But the past few weeks, I have lost that Becky in the memory of my mom. I havent felt happy. I havent wanted to feel happy. I have found myself going into this dark place of anger and bitterness and somehow, in a weird way, finding solace there. I know its not what my mom would want. I know deep down its not what I want. But its where Im finding myself if Im truly honest with you. 

A few weeks ago my friends started talking about tattoos and how they wanted one. I didnt say much during the conversation, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that maybe I want one. Maybe getting one to remind me of my moms great Philosophy, maybe that would help carry on her legacy. You see my mom was one of the most caring people I know. My mom faced so much in her short life. But she was always strong. Always faithful. and Always thinking of others before herself. My mom loved people. And my mom always chose to have joy even in the midst of great trial. Its what I keep reminding myself of daily, "Choose Joy". You see, its because Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, its something that is fleeting and its something that we cant fully rely on. But Joy. With Joy there is MORE. Its a confidience, a choice, a life that we choose to live. Its like in Daniel 3 when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, as they faced the furnace they were about to be thrown in. Those men Chose Joy. They looked the King in the eyes and said, "We know our God will save us, but EVEN IF he doesnt, he is STILL OUR GOD!" You see, Choosing Joy is just like this. Its saying, I dont feel happy at all right now. I dont feel like celebrating at all right now. But I choose to remember that God is still God. That God has a plan here. I choose to remember that I have many blessings in my life, even though my mom is not her physically.

So today, at the end of this blog post, I would like to share some of my favorite memories with her. and I want to count the blessings I have in my life. 

Thanksgiving was my moms favorite holiday. She HATED the fact that Christmas was always over commercialized and that Thanksgiving got over looked. She LOVED to take the time to be thankful for what God had given her. 

Thanksgiving was a very special day in our house. It started early in the morning, We would wake up to the smell of my moms delicious Egg Bake Casserole and Cinnamon Rolls. She even made us fresh orange juice!

During Breakfast, we would watch the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on Television. Now let me tell you a secret. NOONE else in our house likes the Parade, but its my FAVORITE, so my family chose to put their time aside and watch it with me :) and they even pretended to enjoy it! They watched from beginning to end with me, even my favorite part, all of the people from Broadway performing before the parade. 

My mom would sneak away during the second half of the parade to wash dishes and begin cooking our meal for the day. and as he got older, my brother started cooking with her. They made some of the BEST meals in the world. My mom made the most delicious Butterhorn Rolls ever. And if you had a chance to taste them, you know Im not exaggerating. She would make turkey, corn casserole, potato casserole, green bean casserole, and even oysters, for my daddy, even though the rest of us hated them. :) 

My adopted grandparents lived in the basement of our duplex and so when lunch was made and the parade was over we would take the food downstairs to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Lindsay. Grandpa would always say, "This is the day that the Lord has made" as we walked into the house and we always finished by saying, "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". We would then sit down at the table. We were to go around the table and share one thing we were thankful for that year. Then we all prayed together. After lunch, we helped clean up and then mom and dad visited with Grandma and Grandpa. and THIS was my brother and my favorite part of the day. 

Because it was just upstairs, my mom let us go upstairs on our own to watch Home Alone. We could quote most of the movie to you. But we loved to laugh together and watch the movie together. It was our time of bonding. When that was done, my mom had desert for us. Pumpkin Pie for me, Pecan Pie for my brother, and Mince Meat Pie for my daddy. 

We ended the day with getting out the Christmas Decorations. and preparing to put them up the next day. and then we would pile in the car to go see what Christmas lights had already been put up. My brother didnt like this part of the day and usually fell asleep on my shoulder in the backseat during this time. But I wouldnt trade those moments for anything. 

You see, when you build such big traditions, loosing them is hard. It makes celebrating difficult. Suddenly you dont want to, I dont want to create new memories, because I liked the ones we already had :( I miss my mom. I miss my brother. But this year, I promise to be here for my daddy and make sure that he is NOT alone. 

I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I am blessed!

Build Your Kingdom Here!!

So lately, and I use the term lately to mean, in the past 3 days, I have had some VERY RARE down time and actually forced myself to be an introvert for a few days! I spent time in my house. I cleaned, I did laundry, I read, I watched movies and T.V. and I thought! I thought about a lot of things. I prayed about a lot of things too. and let me tell you, in these moments, GOD HAS MET WITH ME! Both in big ways and in small.

I shared in my last post that God was really beginning to help me root out some bitterness and anger in my life, things that I have been holding on to for FAR TOO LONG! And since camp, he has just continued with this theme. But in a VERY BEAUTIFUL and refreshing way! I have thoroughly been enjoying these moments I get to have with him. and yet, as I do, I have been facing great conviction as well. A greater sense, as if I didnt already have one, of the calling God has placed on my life to be in ministry! But of the calling he has placed on each of our lives.

I have been reading book after book, about the church, the calling God has for us. How he wants us to live, act, and be. And I have been scouring my Bible as we read in the different Bible Studies I am in. and I cant help but feel that I, along with others, have been missing it! I mean one of the biggest themes I see over and over again that God calls us to is this idea of Community. Acts 2 is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible, now of course, I am going to encourage you, as I have been learning, read it in context. But I LOVE the picture of community here. These people were in one anothers lives. They broke bread together, they spent time together, They really CARED for one another. Its the very essence of what God wants for each and every one of us! He wants us to be his followers, his disciples. He wants so much more for us than what we have been living.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and we were talking about the idea of Restoration. This is another theme that God has placed very strongly on my heart right now actually. Its something he has been doing in my life personally and something I am longing for him to do in the hearts of those around me. There is a beauty in restoration. This idea that once we were against one another, once we were at ought, and now, because of the grace and love of God we have freedom and we can love one another and live in peace, it AMAZES me! In fact, this friend I was talking to, was one of those people! She and I have just recently come out of a time of deep hurt and pain. We were not in a good place with one another for several months. And when we finally admitted it, when we finally "LET GO" and just gave it all to God, wow!!! The freedom I experienced. The pure joy I have when I talk to her now, its incredible, and it only happened because of the GRACE and LOVE of Jesus.

We as Christians are called to this. We are called to sometimes be honest with one another, confronting one another in love. THIS is something that is REALLY HARD for my people pleasing heart. I dont want to ever confront someone and tell them that they hurt me or upset me, because then I risk hurting or upsetting them. and it becomes a vicious cycle. One Im quite frankly, TIRED of living in! So, God has called me to begin doing this. Its a challenge, Im not fully there yet friends, not even close to be honest! But Im trying. and in the moments I have, I experience GREAT freedom! You see, it hurts my heart to see my friends, but especially those that call ourselves the "body of Christ", to treat one another in the ways that we have been. We talk about one another behind our backs. We pretend to really like someone to their face and then trash them as soon as they leave the room. Or even worse, we treat people like garbage. We make them feel left out, excluded, like somehow what we have to offer in the body of Christ is SO MUCH BETTER than ANYTHING they possibly could offer. It just makes me sick! and it makes me sick friends, because I AM GUILTY OF IT TOO!!!

I remember my first year as a camp counselor. I had spent years of my life feeling that I wasnt good enough. Feeling too fat, too ugly, or that people would not accept me. But something happened, my first year as a counselor, kids loved me! I was their favorite. We had fun. and I was on the top of the World! Not only did I get to be a leader. Not only did I get to do a job I loved, but these kids loved me. At one camp, and remember, I was only 18 years old, "the cool kids" were the group that loved me the most. So I began to spend time with them, more than the other kids. and you know what, I missed out on a chance to counsel. You see, somehow, I got caught up in all of the "hype" and I allowed myself to be one of the "cool kids", letting go of all those feelings of rejection that I had once felt, and embracing this new sense of acceptance, it was a GREAT feeling at first, but you see I realized something, I was hurting another group of kids and rather than show love and compassion to some kids who really needed it, I actually became part of the group, in a very unintentional way, but I was part of making them feel outcast or shunned. WOW! What a humbling place to be. I had to ask for forgiveness, I had to check my heart. and I had to put Jesus first, back where he belonged. and I had to remind myself of what I once felt, and what I so desperately longed for and needed. This acceptance I was now feeling, THEY deserved to feel that too! My brother wrote a song once, and part of the lyrics simply say, "How quickly we forget, that we have been there too". and its so true. How quickly we forget that we too have been down the same road as others, and that God wants us to travel this road together.

You see, God has been calling me to be loving and accepting of those around me. He has been calling me to live a life for Christ. In every facet of my life. He has been calling me to complain less. To be less critical. And in those moments, when I find myself slipping into it, well, I pull myself out. I remind myself of the God that loves me so much. Of the CRAZY AMOUNT of things he has done for me! I am blessed, and through that, I want to bless others. I dont claim to have it all together. But I am going to claim to live for Christ!

You see, lately, I have been realizing how much of a "helper" I like to be. I want to help others as much as I can in life. Part of this is because my mom did it so much for me. Part of it is because I experience great joy in knowing that my helping someone else gives them a glimpse of the love God has for them. and part of it is because I remember how much it means to me when OTHERS help me. and I want to do the same for them. I have been told by so many of my friends, "But Becky, thats not your job" or "Becky, you dont HAVE to do that". and you know what, they are right. But there is something that takes joy in my heart to know that I CHOSE to help. That I CHOSE to give love when it wasnt always easy. Its what God calls us to do. as my friend said today, "Becky, God calls to help even those jerks". and its true, he does! To care for, help them, and love them, no matter how many times they hurt or annoy us! We are called to help them! It IS my job! Because God has called me to it!

a few years ago my brother wrote a song, it was right after our friend Trevor had passed away. Trevor lived an AMAZING live for Christ. In EVERYTHING he said and did. He died very suddenly in a car accident. and when he died, people knew he had lived his life in the right way. and people knew that he was in heaven. and he had made an impact on the World around him. Bryan and Trevor LOVED the Chronicles of Narnia books. and there is a rat named "Reapacheap" in the series of books. One of the best characters. Reapcheap has gone through great battle and he is coming to the end of his life. They are on a ship and he is going to die. and his last request is this, "when I die, please let them know, my face pointed toward Bright Warm Shores". THIS is where Aslan was. His point was that he wanted people to know that when he died, his face was pointing to Aslan, his life was lived for the service of HIS king! Bryan wrote this song knowing that Trevors face pointed toward Jesus when he died. He had lived his life, exactly the way that God calls us to.

There is a song that has been really popular lately, as a worship leader, I have had the chance to sing it alot and I LOVE the words. They simply state, "Build Your Kingdom Here, let the darkness fear, show your mighty hand, heal our streets and lands, set your church on fire, win this nation back, change the atmosphere, build your kingdom here, we pray!"

This is my prayer today. I want to be a place where God can build his Kingdom. I want to change the atmosphere of the World around me, in a way that brings them closer to the heart of God. Let me be a part of that change God! Build Your Kingdom Here!!!!!

Break Every Chain......Stop Justifying Your Junk!

So I just got back from my last camp of the summer. I LOVE camp ministry! Honestly, going to camp is one of my favorite parts of the year! I love the people I meet, I love what God can do when we give him a week of our lives and devote it solely to the purpose of getting to know him more and growing in community with fellow believers! But every year I am impressed that no matter what capacity of leadership I go into camp with, God always challenges me just as much, and sometimes MORE than the people around me. THAT was no different this year.

I have gone through alot in the past year. I lost my mom to cancer, I lost my house, I lost my job, I even lost my family in the sense that I moved up to MN, My brother Bolivia and my daddy had to stay in Iowa. So its been a year of God ripping things away from me, or at least that is how it felt. So I went into the camp season this summer with a VERY BITTER heart. I didn't realize how bitter until I began to really seek the heart of God this week. You see, my mom passed in November and I don't know if her death coupled with the other crappy things is what did it, but I have become a VERY cynical person over the past few months. I question everything, I am bitter about life, and I just plain am NOT the happy go lucky Becky that I used to be. I guess you could say, I kind of lost myself. But this week at camp, I believe I have begun to find myself again! Or rather, to find the "me" that God wants me to be. That sounds SUPER CHEESY, but its what God is doing, so I am going to try to stand firm in it!

You see, I guess I had just tried to find someway to hide what I was really feeling, I guess you could say I found a way to deal with the pain of loosing my mom, by hiding or masking it in this horrible cynicism. and to be honest, I didnt really like that person either. So God began to tear that away, he began to reveal to me how beautifully and wonderfully  he has created me and how I just need to let that shine through. More than I have been lately. God has given me a gift of leadership, he has given me a chance to counsel and love on people, God is God and I am so thankful that I get the chance to be loved by the God of the universe. I take it for granted so many times. In fact, instead of being cynical, I should be happy and grateful for life. For the things God has given me, both the GOOD and the TOUGH things.

God also challenged me to think alot about who I am. My essential identity. and within that, he challenged me to think about relationships in life. I have never actually had a boyfriend in my life. In fact, I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. Now many of you are just thinking right now, "what a pathetic loser". I know, I know. But you know what? Every one of those choices was completely and totally intentional. You see, I want my future husband to get ALL of me. Now, understand, I have given pieces of my heart to boys before, I have had PLENTY of crushes, I have flirted alot, and I have had many conversations of getting to know boys more. BUT, every single time, I guard my heart. I dont want to get hurt. and I most certainly do not want to do anything that could potentially hurt my future husband either.

But heres the thing, as I begin to think about what that might look like for me in the future, I become scared. I have never been in a relationship before. I have lived my life being very independent, so the idea of letting a man protect me, provide for me, care for me, well, dont get me wrong, it sounds incredible, but I honestly just dont know how that looks. I mean, I can do things for myself, but in a relationship, I should let my partner do things to care for me. And, I should do things for him! this part i have no problem with, in fact, I would love nothing more than to be able to do things for my future husband and care for him. And then theres the whole, "now I have to answer to someone else and not just me" piece of this thing. Which again, can be VERY FUN just alot different. And what if, as I let my guard down, he decides he doesnt like what he sees? What if I am gorgeous to him on the inside and he LOVES my personality, but he doesnt like whats on the outside? so many things. and these walls had to be broken down too and I had to allow God in to repaint the rooms, strip them of many crappy things. and hopefully things will continue to get better.

I am grateful for this week. For the changes God has made in me. For the person he is molding me into. and for the amazing ministry he allowed me to lead this week!

Transition, Identity Crisis, I LOVE MINISTRY!

Most of you reading this are people who know me, or at least, that is going be my guess :) and if you dont, welcome, how are you? My name is Becky and I am happy to let you in to a little piece of the craziness that I call life. This being said, I am going to take you on a little journey today, its the journey that God has been leading me through this past year, and I believe that he has taught me some very valuable lessons and I have some great things to offer. You may get to the end of this blog and completely disagree with me, but I DONT CARE! They are MY lessons and Im proud of them :)

Let me just take you to the beginning of this journey, it was almost a year ago, in about 3 weeks, I will reach the year mark. I was at Red Rock Camp, again I know that most of you know me, but for those who dont, Red Rock is a camp that I work at every summer, counseling, planning games, singing and leading worship, and this past year I got to take on a new role as the Youth Speaker. and THIS is where it all began. One week before camp, I was sitting in our living room in the house that my daddy and I shared. I had moved home to help him out while my mom was in a nursing home, THATS a whole different story. But as I was sitting in his living room, my friend Cassi from camp called, she is also the Dean of the whole youth program. She was in a panic, I could hear it in her voice, she asked me to pray and then proceeded to tell me what was going on. The Youth Speaker had called and said he couldnt make it this year due to some family issues. One week before camp, and she had noone to speak to the youth. In that moment, without hesitation, I heard God speak to my heart, "Becky, tell her you will do it!" We had a quick little arguement, "God, are you crazy? I know I have done this a few times before to my youth groups and I love youth and I love speaking in front of people...." and then I stopped, "Oh, so you are saying that this would be a perfect opportunity for you to do a lot of things you love then, Becky?" And so, I told Cassi I would do it. I sat down and for the next week, I wrote messages. Messages that God just spoke to my heart. I was getting more and more excited everyday!

And then it came time for camp. I was still VERY EXCITED! But, as sometimes happens, a horrible cirrcumstance came to our family. I used to blame Satan when these things happenened, and for all I know it could have been him. But it put a wrench in things for me. My mom was diagnosed with Meningitis and was VERY SICK! She was in the hospital, they were giving her IVS and trying to get her better. But I was faced with a difficult decision. Do I cancel out on Cassi now too and stay home with my mom or do I put her in Gods hands and trust that she will be okay? God and I talked for a couple days. and he led me to go to camp. He promised me that my mom would be okay and he would take care of her. And so, I made the 7 hour drive, by myself, crying and praying the whole way. But you know what, she WAS okay, and God DID take care of her, Im not sure why I expected any less. And it was a lesson in stepping out in faith for me, which, as I am learning, I was going to need to courage to do later on.

So as the week went on, I spoke and God used me. God did some INCREDIBLE things while we were at camp. and I got to spend alot of time with my friends. On Friday Night is when this "life changing conversation" took place. I was sitting and talking with 2 of my very close friends and I began to cry. I began to share my  heart with them, that God was just leading me to pray for some people who were important to me. and as I prayed, God began to pour over me. He began to pour over all of us. In that moment, God called me to leave Iowa, move up to Minnesota and begin doing ministry at CROSSROADS Church. Now I am here to tell you right now, saying yes was not an easy thing for me. And in that night, in that moment, I didnt say yes. I said, "But my mom is sick, but my dad needs me, but I dont have any family in Minnesota, but Iowa is all I have ever known and this is scary" I said alot more buts and what ifs too. But God just continued to gently nudge me and speak to me. And so, I finally made a couple visits, checked out what ministry would look like here and KNEW that it definetly was and IS where God wanted me to be. So I packed up my stuff, and moved on up. And it has been a journey ever since!

I feel that for the past few years my life has just been a series of transitions. I moved to Sumner Iowa in 2010 to be a youth pastor and shortly there after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, became very ill and after a few months, I just couldnt bear to watch my dad go through it alone anymore, so I packed up and moved back home to help him while she battled this horrible disease. We spent alot of time together as a family. I got to have some precious moments with my daddy and mommy and I wouldnt trade them for the world. After this transition, it was me making the big move to MN and since I have moved here, its been a TON of transitions while I try to find my place and become settled. I lived with someone who graciously opened up her home to me, a woman from the church, whom I had never met before. And while she was very kind to me, it just didnt feel like home, so another woman offered me a place to live, right after my mother had passed away. I thought this would be a good move and so I moved in with her and her two beautiful boys. Again, it was just "not the right fit". I knew God was trying to teach me something, but I wasnt sure what, and to be honest, I was really tired of packing up all my stuff and moving! And then, as if a beautiful gift from God, I was offered the chance to live in a home with other young adults. I have a beautiful house that a couple has opened up and they along with 2 other wonderful Christian people, share a home with me. It is fantastic, amazing, and a serious God send, I have no doubt in my mind! I cant even begin to say how greatful and thankful I am that God moved and led me to live here. So THIS was the first part of transition, that for now, seems to have finally come to and end, and I may be settled for a while, until Gods ready to uproot me again :)

But then theres my job. I was working a preschool in the church. Many things happened, details that I dont need to go into on this blog, but suffice it to say that this too was a transition God was going to lead me through. I was offered a higher paying job with more flexible hours and after much prayer and consulting with friends, I chose to take it. Well, it was seemingly going quite well. Every school I went to loved me, and wanted me back. But still, while I was finding great security in this job, God was about to make me realize, the only thing I can find my security in is HIM! Last Friday, after cirrcumstances that were out of my control, my position was terminated. No chance to talk about it, no questions asked, just terminated. Now before you go jumping to any conclusions. There were no accusations made, I did nothing wrong, they just decided that because I was unable to take an assignment, they would terminate my position. I was, of course, devastated and completely shaken up! THIS was a transition I was NOT ready for and a VERY SCARY place in life to be. But, I know God is beside me and he is going to lead me through this too. I will keep you posted as it unfolds :)

THIS is where my talk of Identity Crisis comes in. I began to realize that I was putting all my identity, all my hope and trust in my job, in my home, in EVERYTHING ELSE but God! A friend of mine said to me not that long ago, "Becky, I think you are having an identity crisis" and at first, I got super angry with him, until I realized, maybe he was right. Maybe I was having an identity crisis. I mean if I asked myself the question, "Who Am I?" Im not sure I could have given you an answer. But the more I thought and the more I searched, I realized this is exactly the place that God wanted me to be in. I needed to be seeking my identity, because, as I was seeking, I finally found it, it was in HIM!

I have been given a great support system in my life as I go through these terrible moments, they are there for me. And one friend said to me the other day, "Becky, who you are didnt change the day you were let go from your job, that was never your identity anyway" I had to think about that. "Who I am didnt change", because you see here I was going through a great crisis in feeling like it did change, like everyone was going to be disappointed in me, look at me differently, maybe even HATE me or disown me" and you know what, THEY DIDNT! But even if they did, GOD didnt and wouldnt. I am a child that is loved by him and THAT is where my identity must rest, in HIM! Another friend said to me, "Becky, you are strong, you see others would let these things knock them down, but instead YOU are trying to find God, you are trying to learn from and grow from this, THAT shows true character" and I guess, as I think about that, it reveals part of my identity too. That I know I must be seeking God in each step of this journey.

I love ministry because of the AMAZING community it has given me. To know that I am not alone. To know that others have gone and are going through the same things I am right now. And to know we can lean on one another, what a gift! and to think about this too. My friend said to me the other day, "Becky, you are made for ministry, I can see it everytime I look at you, because even in the midst of great pain and trial, you are still ministering to others despite your own needs". That meant something, I have been holding on to that. " I am MADE for MINISTRY" I love that thought!

So now, as I close this incredibly long blog. I thank you for going along on this journey with me. I am going to invite you to continue on as well. I will share more stories, more thoughts, more scripture. I was thinking this week about David, how he was a man after Gods own heart, but he too wrestled and went through great transition. You see, its where God calls us to be. To make our relationship with him REAL and not just something that we talk about our pretend, but we are called to REAL moments with him, moments that call us to grow deeper in him each day!

So what is YOUR moment today?

May, you can seriously take a flying leap or you can crawl in a hole and die! Im done with you!

Okay, I realize that my title may sound just a little bit harsh. Maybe even mean. But its just how I feel right now. I have not kept up with my blog at all, so I will recap just a little bit for starters. So for those of you who dont know, my mom passed away from cancer in November, actually November 8 to be exact. It has been one of the HARDEST things I have EVER had to deal with in my life, other than her diagnosis of cancer in the first place and then watching her suffer through it. Friends, CANCER SUCKS! And I dont care who knows it! It just plain does!

What I have also learned is that grief is a very difficult thing and noone else can fully understand your pain or how you feel it or deal with it. May has been a VERY HARD month for grief. Most of it I knew going in and actually expected. You see May is a Milestone month for the Canny family, especially for "Mama Canny". My parents anniversary is in May, Mothers Day is in May and my moms birthday is in May. We always teased my mom that she just tried to make the whole month about her. But the truth is, I wouldnt have it any other way. My mom deserved more than just a month, she deserved a whole lifetime of praise and gratitude for who she was and what she did!!

But as I faced this month, each milestone got harder. My parents anniversary, I cried most of that day on and off. I had the AMAZING priviledge to call them Mom and Dad. But also the incredible joy to watch a true love story unfold. Future husband, know that I have GREAT expectations, and you have alot to live up to! I watched my parents handle financial struggles and they did it together. I watched them handle my moms bipolar and my dad was ALWAYS by my moms side, not even waivering for a moment. I remember a doctor telling him once that he was amazed that my mom still had him by her side, because most cases, loved ones have given up and they have left by now. My dad never dreamed of doing that. He loved my mom for better or worse, until death they did part. He sat by her for hours in psychiatric wards as they regulated her medicine. He paced for days and my mom was missing. He sat by her for hours as she underwent cancer treatments and many other painful things that she never deserved to have to go through. And he was faithful. I thought about how faithful my mom was to my dad as he was laid off from his jobs over the years. Through many of my dads health struggles, she was right there beside him. and I wept. The love they had for one another is a love that I cant even do justice to in explaining right now in my blog.

After this, I got to go home to Iowa for 8 days!! The best 8 days of my year. I got to see my brother and sister in law and I got to meet my new baby niece :) SUCH A GREAT TIME! But it meant another milestone. My brother was a daddy now, and my mom never got to hold that baby. My mom was already an amazing honorary grandma to several kids in our lives, and she LOVED it! But you know what, this was her chance to be a REAL grandma, and she didnt get to do it. As I held my niece close one day and looked at my little brother, we both began to cry. Our mom should be here for this and shes not! and its just NOT FAIR!

Then came Mothers Day. and let me tell you, it was one of the hardest days since my mom died. I wept and bawled most of the day. I missed her. I was reminded how much of a blessing she was in my life. How I hope that I am even HALF the woman that she was. How I didnt deserve to call her mom for even a second, but that I would not trade that for the World. I reminiced on memories of her and how amazing she was. and I cried. Cancer sucks! Cancer took her from me, FAR TOO SOON! And I know she is in a better place now. I know that she is healed and sitting at the feet of Jesus. And for her I am so happy. But I mourn her presence here with me. Mothers Day was always hard for my mom because Cancer took her mom, my grandma, too. I remember Mother/Daughter banquets where I would just sit with her while she cried, telling me how much she loved me and was greatful to have me, but how much she missed her own mom. I remember singing duets with her at Mother Daughter banquets and how much we LOVED that. And now I understand. I feel what she was feeling. I feel the pain of her missing her mom. Because I miss my mom too!

This past week was my moms birthday. I again was said because we didnt get to celebrate another year of her life on this Earth, because she is gone now. But once again, pulled myself up and praised God for the years that we DID get to spend with her. and the hope of eternity that one day again we will too! And then there is today. Its Memorial Day, one of my moms favorite holidays. People always meant so much to my mom. She had the BIGGEST heart of anyone I ever knew in my life. This was a day that she took to be greatful for those in her life. We travelled to the graves of her loved ones and my dads loved ones. We laid flowers on them. She would tell us stories about them. and we spent the day as a family, together. As a kid, I HATED this day. Who wants to drive to a bunch of Cemetaries, right? But now, Id give anything to be in the car with her right now putting the flowers that she had carefully picked out, on each of her loved ones graves. Id give anything to hear stories about them. To hear her laugh as she reminiced, to see her tears as she remembered, and to just sit and cry with her. I remember her today.

And yet, in my life lately, I am learning that emotions are a gift. That the things we feel are a HUGE gift! God created us to feel pain, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to have joy. I am VERY THANKFUL for all that God has done. I am thankful for the mom he gave me. And, as much as I sounded angry at the beginning of this blog, I am even thankful for you, month of May. I am thankful for the reminders of good moments past. of memories, of joy, of what once was. So, THANK YOU MAY! THANK YOU! I remember you Mommy, forever and always.