So, as I shared with you in my last post, my mom passed away. Actually today is the one month marker. Just one month ago today I was sitting in a room, her clinging to life, and holding her hand one last time. I remember singing to her that morning. My brother and I sat by her bed and we sang hymns in perfect harmony while he played guitar. She looked so helpless, so lifeless, so NOT MY MOM! But holding her soft hands, Id give anything for just one more moment of that. To see her beautiful brown eyes, to touch her beautiful face, kiss her forehead, I miss her more and more each day. Its funny, I thought that the more time went by, this would get easier. But Im learning that its just beginning for me.
Im a counselor by nature. I LOVE my friends and my family with a very deep love. Its just always been that way for me, my mom always told me it was the curse of the giant heart, and the great thing is, she had it too! So I get to carry that on in her honor. I love helping people. I love listening to their problems, hearing how they are feeling, trying to understand what they are going through and then helping them to work through it. I love being the shoulder to cry on. I love offering advice. Most of all, I love seeing someone who is broken, hurting, and sad, find healing and comfort in the arms of Christ and if I am the one that gets to lead them there, DOUBLE BLESSING!
However, being a counselor has been a curse for me at this time of my life. My mom just died. I mean, thats a big deal!!! One of my very good friends called me the other day to check on me and see how I was doing with all of this. and he said words to me that I will never forget, "Becky, you just experienced one of the biggest losses you will ever have in your life, your journey with all this has just begun." One of the BIGGEST losses. How true that is. I have lost a few friends along the journey of life and it rocked me, it hurt me to my core. I have seen friends loose family members, ones whom I also cared for deeply, and it broke my heart. But THIS, this is a road Ive never been down and honestly, I have no idea how to navigate! Its like my GPS broke, I lost my map, and I dont even have a compass, IM SCREWED!!
Being the person that always helps others is just who I am. I dont like to let people in to my life, the big or small details. Not because Im scared of them knowing, okay so a little bit because Im scared, but more because I just dont want the focus to ever be on ME. Its not about me and I just want people to know that I care about them far more than I care about myself. Because I truly do. If I feel like I have hurt someone or someone is mad at me, IT DEVESTATES ME. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function until relationship is restored. I just cant stand for anyone not to like me or for anyone to be upset with me in anyway. Im also a person who diagnoses alot :) I will look at people, children in my classroom, friends, coworkers, people in the church, and I will begin to try to understand their lives, understand where they are coming from, whats their story, what makes them tick and if they are hurting, why are they hurting. If they have issues, what do those issues stem from? Its just who I am. I do it to myself as well. Rather than truly feeling somethings, I begin to analyze why I might be feeling them.
Yesterday was a "bad grief day" as I call them. I was sad, I was irritable, I just wasnt feeling like me. Things were hitting me left and right and I was trying to live true Becky style and take it all in, hold it all together, and act like I was fine. I teach preschool, I work with kiddos, sometimes you just have to fake it. But I just couldnt hold it in anymore. I was reading a book about snow and I began to cry. My mom LOVED snowmen, it was one of her many collections, and after a few other events of the day, it was just too much. My kiddos hugged me, let me know that they loved me, and we went on with the day and kept playing. BUT inside, I began to beat myself up. How could I have fallen apart? How could I let them see my cry? My kiddos and my coworkers. How could I let this happen? I began to analyze why. Was it the conversation I had with my boss that morning about a little girl who is only 10 years old and is dying of cancer? And after seeing the crap my mom had to go through, seeing others suffer, I couldnt bear to think of a small child going through that crap? Was it talking to the parent of a 4 year old child in our care, whos mom is in the hospital dying of cancer right now? Who was just given a feeding tube. Who was going through THE SAME CRAP my mom had just gone through? Was it the fact that I knew that tomorrow would be the month marker and it was hitting me harder than I expected? Was it just that I was exhausted after a very full week of work and ministry? OR, was it just all of those things piling on at once? You see, rather than just feeling it, I was trying to understand why I was feeling it, and then with all my might, NOT FEEL IT ANYMORE.
You see, Im known for being a pretty easy going, happy go lucky girl :) If youre reading this, you probably know that about me. So I have trouble expressing other emotions. Not because I dont feel other things, just because I DONT cry infront of people if I can help it at all. I DONT let people see me upset if I can help it at all. Its just not something I do, I dont want people to feel bad for me. I dont want people to feel like they have to take care of me. Its not their job. I want to take care of them.I dont want to be a burden to anyone. I dont want to make anyone sad. I dont want anyone to have to listen to me and my problems, because I know that they are going through their own problems as well and they dont deserve to have to listen to mine. So yesterday was horrible. But it was also horrible, because its the curse of being the one that everyone else always goes to. Noone accepts it when you ARENT happy.
People just always expect me to be happy and carefree and when Im not, they dont know what to do. I have some amazing people in my life who I know love and care for me deeply and if I was living in any other community, besides the one Im in right now, things would not be the same. I NEED the people that are in my life right now. And they have been great. Its not their fault at all, its just that when you always try to hide your emotions, when you never let anyone see it when you are upset, its a pretty big deal at the times when it does show, when you just cant hold it in any longer. My friend Meggan tells me that when I cry it breaks her heart because I just look like a lost little child whos heart has been broken. Honestly, thats exactly how I felt yesterday too. Im lost. My heart is broken. and I am just a child, trying to get through this life without a mom. I feel like I need grace from people and they have offered it. I need to know that it is okay for me to not always be happy. I need to know that it is okay for me to ask for advice sometimes. I need to know that it is okay for me to need people in my life. I need to know that it is okay for me to be sad. I need to know that its okay for me to be mad. I just need to know that it is okay for me to be me. Im not really quick to let the true me show. I am pretty guarded, but once you are in, YOU ARE IN! And then youre stuck with me. The good, the bad, the really cruddy. Im very thankful for that grace that has been offered to me as I navagate this really horrible road!
But most of all, the person I need grace from more than any other, is ME. I need to remind myself that its okay to cry. That its okay to get mad. That its okay to be confused. That its okay to ask questions and try to make sense of this. That its okay for me to not be okay some days. That its okay for me to ask for help once in a while. That its okay for me to need someone to listen to me for a change. That its okay for me to not have it all together 24/7. And that its even okay for me to fall apart sometimes, because that is part of being in the body of Christ. Helping one another. God is teaching me that just as I am blessed everytime someone comes to me for advice, everytime I get to help someone with their problems, that he wants to bless others as well. That he wants others to have the chance to be blessed by helping me. By listening to me. By loving me. By caring for me. By supporting me.
So thats what I am feeling today. I MISS MY MOM! Im pissed that I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without her. I dont understand for a minute why God had to allow her to suffer and then die. Im sad because Im never going to see her again this side of heaven. Im sad because there are just those moments in life where you need your mom and Im never going to have that again. Im sad because she gave me so much in life and I worry that I didnt give her much. Im confused because I dont know all the answers. Im hurt because theres not always people who understand what Im feeling or going through. I feel alone sometimes on this road. My brothers is in Bolivia, my dad is in Iowa. and while I LOVE MINNESOTA and all of my friends here, I feel alone on this journey and that sucks.
But I also feel incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. I feel that my faith has been strengthened as I see how God has revealed himself in new ways through this. I feel loved and cared for by many people. and I feel supported very deeply. My friends and family mean everything to me and Im so blessed to have all of you in my life ;)
Im learning. I dont have it all together, all the time, and that is more than okay, its actually quite normal. As normal as I am going to be :)
In his grace
Becky
