Transition, Identity Crisis, I LOVE MINISTRY!

Most of you reading this are people who know me, or at least, that is going be my guess :) and if you dont, welcome, how are you? My name is Becky and I am happy to let you in to a little piece of the craziness that I call life. This being said, I am going to take you on a little journey today, its the journey that God has been leading me through this past year, and I believe that he has taught me some very valuable lessons and I have some great things to offer. You may get to the end of this blog and completely disagree with me, but I DONT CARE! They are MY lessons and Im proud of them :)

Let me just take you to the beginning of this journey, it was almost a year ago, in about 3 weeks, I will reach the year mark. I was at Red Rock Camp, again I know that most of you know me, but for those who dont, Red Rock is a camp that I work at every summer, counseling, planning games, singing and leading worship, and this past year I got to take on a new role as the Youth Speaker. and THIS is where it all began. One week before camp, I was sitting in our living room in the house that my daddy and I shared. I had moved home to help him out while my mom was in a nursing home, THATS a whole different story. But as I was sitting in his living room, my friend Cassi from camp called, she is also the Dean of the whole youth program. She was in a panic, I could hear it in her voice, she asked me to pray and then proceeded to tell me what was going on. The Youth Speaker had called and said he couldnt make it this year due to some family issues. One week before camp, and she had noone to speak to the youth. In that moment, without hesitation, I heard God speak to my heart, "Becky, tell her you will do it!" We had a quick little arguement, "God, are you crazy? I know I have done this a few times before to my youth groups and I love youth and I love speaking in front of people...." and then I stopped, "Oh, so you are saying that this would be a perfect opportunity for you to do a lot of things you love then, Becky?" And so, I told Cassi I would do it. I sat down and for the next week, I wrote messages. Messages that God just spoke to my heart. I was getting more and more excited everyday!

And then it came time for camp. I was still VERY EXCITED! But, as sometimes happens, a horrible cirrcumstance came to our family. I used to blame Satan when these things happenened, and for all I know it could have been him. But it put a wrench in things for me. My mom was diagnosed with Meningitis and was VERY SICK! She was in the hospital, they were giving her IVS and trying to get her better. But I was faced with a difficult decision. Do I cancel out on Cassi now too and stay home with my mom or do I put her in Gods hands and trust that she will be okay? God and I talked for a couple days. and he led me to go to camp. He promised me that my mom would be okay and he would take care of her. And so, I made the 7 hour drive, by myself, crying and praying the whole way. But you know what, she WAS okay, and God DID take care of her, Im not sure why I expected any less. And it was a lesson in stepping out in faith for me, which, as I am learning, I was going to need to courage to do later on.

So as the week went on, I spoke and God used me. God did some INCREDIBLE things while we were at camp. and I got to spend alot of time with my friends. On Friday Night is when this "life changing conversation" took place. I was sitting and talking with 2 of my very close friends and I began to cry. I began to share my  heart with them, that God was just leading me to pray for some people who were important to me. and as I prayed, God began to pour over me. He began to pour over all of us. In that moment, God called me to leave Iowa, move up to Minnesota and begin doing ministry at CROSSROADS Church. Now I am here to tell you right now, saying yes was not an easy thing for me. And in that night, in that moment, I didnt say yes. I said, "But my mom is sick, but my dad needs me, but I dont have any family in Minnesota, but Iowa is all I have ever known and this is scary" I said alot more buts and what ifs too. But God just continued to gently nudge me and speak to me. And so, I finally made a couple visits, checked out what ministry would look like here and KNEW that it definetly was and IS where God wanted me to be. So I packed up my stuff, and moved on up. And it has been a journey ever since!

I feel that for the past few years my life has just been a series of transitions. I moved to Sumner Iowa in 2010 to be a youth pastor and shortly there after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, became very ill and after a few months, I just couldnt bear to watch my dad go through it alone anymore, so I packed up and moved back home to help him while she battled this horrible disease. We spent alot of time together as a family. I got to have some precious moments with my daddy and mommy and I wouldnt trade them for the world. After this transition, it was me making the big move to MN and since I have moved here, its been a TON of transitions while I try to find my place and become settled. I lived with someone who graciously opened up her home to me, a woman from the church, whom I had never met before. And while she was very kind to me, it just didnt feel like home, so another woman offered me a place to live, right after my mother had passed away. I thought this would be a good move and so I moved in with her and her two beautiful boys. Again, it was just "not the right fit". I knew God was trying to teach me something, but I wasnt sure what, and to be honest, I was really tired of packing up all my stuff and moving! And then, as if a beautiful gift from God, I was offered the chance to live in a home with other young adults. I have a beautiful house that a couple has opened up and they along with 2 other wonderful Christian people, share a home with me. It is fantastic, amazing, and a serious God send, I have no doubt in my mind! I cant even begin to say how greatful and thankful I am that God moved and led me to live here. So THIS was the first part of transition, that for now, seems to have finally come to and end, and I may be settled for a while, until Gods ready to uproot me again :)

But then theres my job. I was working a preschool in the church. Many things happened, details that I dont need to go into on this blog, but suffice it to say that this too was a transition God was going to lead me through. I was offered a higher paying job with more flexible hours and after much prayer and consulting with friends, I chose to take it. Well, it was seemingly going quite well. Every school I went to loved me, and wanted me back. But still, while I was finding great security in this job, God was about to make me realize, the only thing I can find my security in is HIM! Last Friday, after cirrcumstances that were out of my control, my position was terminated. No chance to talk about it, no questions asked, just terminated. Now before you go jumping to any conclusions. There were no accusations made, I did nothing wrong, they just decided that because I was unable to take an assignment, they would terminate my position. I was, of course, devastated and completely shaken up! THIS was a transition I was NOT ready for and a VERY SCARY place in life to be. But, I know God is beside me and he is going to lead me through this too. I will keep you posted as it unfolds :)

THIS is where my talk of Identity Crisis comes in. I began to realize that I was putting all my identity, all my hope and trust in my job, in my home, in EVERYTHING ELSE but God! A friend of mine said to me not that long ago, "Becky, I think you are having an identity crisis" and at first, I got super angry with him, until I realized, maybe he was right. Maybe I was having an identity crisis. I mean if I asked myself the question, "Who Am I?" Im not sure I could have given you an answer. But the more I thought and the more I searched, I realized this is exactly the place that God wanted me to be in. I needed to be seeking my identity, because, as I was seeking, I finally found it, it was in HIM!

I have been given a great support system in my life as I go through these terrible moments, they are there for me. And one friend said to me the other day, "Becky, who you are didnt change the day you were let go from your job, that was never your identity anyway" I had to think about that. "Who I am didnt change", because you see here I was going through a great crisis in feeling like it did change, like everyone was going to be disappointed in me, look at me differently, maybe even HATE me or disown me" and you know what, THEY DIDNT! But even if they did, GOD didnt and wouldnt. I am a child that is loved by him and THAT is where my identity must rest, in HIM! Another friend said to me, "Becky, you are strong, you see others would let these things knock them down, but instead YOU are trying to find God, you are trying to learn from and grow from this, THAT shows true character" and I guess, as I think about that, it reveals part of my identity too. That I know I must be seeking God in each step of this journey.

I love ministry because of the AMAZING community it has given me. To know that I am not alone. To know that others have gone and are going through the same things I am right now. And to know we can lean on one another, what a gift! and to think about this too. My friend said to me the other day, "Becky, you are made for ministry, I can see it everytime I look at you, because even in the midst of great pain and trial, you are still ministering to others despite your own needs". That meant something, I have been holding on to that. " I am MADE for MINISTRY" I love that thought!

So now, as I close this incredibly long blog. I thank you for going along on this journey with me. I am going to invite you to continue on as well. I will share more stories, more thoughts, more scripture. I was thinking this week about David, how he was a man after Gods own heart, but he too wrestled and went through great transition. You see, its where God calls us to be. To make our relationship with him REAL and not just something that we talk about our pretend, but we are called to REAL moments with him, moments that call us to grow deeper in him each day!

So what is YOUR moment today?

May, you can seriously take a flying leap or you can crawl in a hole and die! Im done with you!

Okay, I realize that my title may sound just a little bit harsh. Maybe even mean. But its just how I feel right now. I have not kept up with my blog at all, so I will recap just a little bit for starters. So for those of you who dont know, my mom passed away from cancer in November, actually November 8 to be exact. It has been one of the HARDEST things I have EVER had to deal with in my life, other than her diagnosis of cancer in the first place and then watching her suffer through it. Friends, CANCER SUCKS! And I dont care who knows it! It just plain does!

What I have also learned is that grief is a very difficult thing and noone else can fully understand your pain or how you feel it or deal with it. May has been a VERY HARD month for grief. Most of it I knew going in and actually expected. You see May is a Milestone month for the Canny family, especially for "Mama Canny". My parents anniversary is in May, Mothers Day is in May and my moms birthday is in May. We always teased my mom that she just tried to make the whole month about her. But the truth is, I wouldnt have it any other way. My mom deserved more than just a month, she deserved a whole lifetime of praise and gratitude for who she was and what she did!!

But as I faced this month, each milestone got harder. My parents anniversary, I cried most of that day on and off. I had the AMAZING priviledge to call them Mom and Dad. But also the incredible joy to watch a true love story unfold. Future husband, know that I have GREAT expectations, and you have alot to live up to! I watched my parents handle financial struggles and they did it together. I watched them handle my moms bipolar and my dad was ALWAYS by my moms side, not even waivering for a moment. I remember a doctor telling him once that he was amazed that my mom still had him by her side, because most cases, loved ones have given up and they have left by now. My dad never dreamed of doing that. He loved my mom for better or worse, until death they did part. He sat by her for hours in psychiatric wards as they regulated her medicine. He paced for days and my mom was missing. He sat by her for hours as she underwent cancer treatments and many other painful things that she never deserved to have to go through. And he was faithful. I thought about how faithful my mom was to my dad as he was laid off from his jobs over the years. Through many of my dads health struggles, she was right there beside him. and I wept. The love they had for one another is a love that I cant even do justice to in explaining right now in my blog.

After this, I got to go home to Iowa for 8 days!! The best 8 days of my year. I got to see my brother and sister in law and I got to meet my new baby niece :) SUCH A GREAT TIME! But it meant another milestone. My brother was a daddy now, and my mom never got to hold that baby. My mom was already an amazing honorary grandma to several kids in our lives, and she LOVED it! But you know what, this was her chance to be a REAL grandma, and she didnt get to do it. As I held my niece close one day and looked at my little brother, we both began to cry. Our mom should be here for this and shes not! and its just NOT FAIR!

Then came Mothers Day. and let me tell you, it was one of the hardest days since my mom died. I wept and bawled most of the day. I missed her. I was reminded how much of a blessing she was in my life. How I hope that I am even HALF the woman that she was. How I didnt deserve to call her mom for even a second, but that I would not trade that for the World. I reminiced on memories of her and how amazing she was. and I cried. Cancer sucks! Cancer took her from me, FAR TOO SOON! And I know she is in a better place now. I know that she is healed and sitting at the feet of Jesus. And for her I am so happy. But I mourn her presence here with me. Mothers Day was always hard for my mom because Cancer took her mom, my grandma, too. I remember Mother/Daughter banquets where I would just sit with her while she cried, telling me how much she loved me and was greatful to have me, but how much she missed her own mom. I remember singing duets with her at Mother Daughter banquets and how much we LOVED that. And now I understand. I feel what she was feeling. I feel the pain of her missing her mom. Because I miss my mom too!

This past week was my moms birthday. I again was said because we didnt get to celebrate another year of her life on this Earth, because she is gone now. But once again, pulled myself up and praised God for the years that we DID get to spend with her. and the hope of eternity that one day again we will too! And then there is today. Its Memorial Day, one of my moms favorite holidays. People always meant so much to my mom. She had the BIGGEST heart of anyone I ever knew in my life. This was a day that she took to be greatful for those in her life. We travelled to the graves of her loved ones and my dads loved ones. We laid flowers on them. She would tell us stories about them. and we spent the day as a family, together. As a kid, I HATED this day. Who wants to drive to a bunch of Cemetaries, right? But now, Id give anything to be in the car with her right now putting the flowers that she had carefully picked out, on each of her loved ones graves. Id give anything to hear stories about them. To hear her laugh as she reminiced, to see her tears as she remembered, and to just sit and cry with her. I remember her today.

And yet, in my life lately, I am learning that emotions are a gift. That the things we feel are a HUGE gift! God created us to feel pain, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to have joy. I am VERY THANKFUL for all that God has done. I am thankful for the mom he gave me. And, as much as I sounded angry at the beginning of this blog, I am even thankful for you, month of May. I am thankful for the reminders of good moments past. of memories, of joy, of what once was. So, THANK YOU MAY! THANK YOU! I remember you Mommy, forever and always.