Today has been a very weird day for me. As in, I have just been lost in my thoughts today. I mean I just have tons of stuff that is just running through my mind, all good stuff, alot of it God stuff, but its like I am living in another world or something. People come in to my office, I hold conversation with them, almost like they have come in and interupted this beautiful place that I really would rather stay in today. The phone rings and my teeth cringe as I know its my job to answer the phone, but dont these people know I have lots to think about today and dont want to be bothered by them? :O) Just Kidding.
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
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