Forgotten....

This post title seems very vague and could imply so many different things, so let me explain the this is going to be a very raw post. I have not posted on my blog for quite a while, but decided that this is a good outlet for me. So you don't have to read a word of this or you can read every word. Honestly, this post is for me. Words that I just need to get out there! 

First of all, grief sucks! It just plain does. There are sometimes no other words to describe it other than that. and to be honest, all of the stages they talk about, they are absolutely, 100% true! Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Denial, and even acceptance. These feelings become unwanted companions, new best friends that you never knew you wanted in life. and to be honest, I feel like they should add all the other things to this list, the brain fog that comes after grief, the apathy that comes in feeling like you aren't even sure if you want life to keep going on if this is how its going to be now and the very real sense of "I just don't care anymore". I wish that they would add to the list the word jealousy. The jealousy that everyone else gets to keep living life and nothing has to change for them. The jealousy that everyone else seems to get all these good things and great blessings and you feel stuck and angry and mad, because GOOD is not at all the word that you would use to currently describe life at all. I wish that they would add the word "fake it". Because that is another very real part of grief. You get to walk through life faking it and acting as though you are totally ok even though inside you feel like you are being torn apart. I think they should add the word physical exhaustion to the stages. Because while you are emotionally worn and spent, the physical exhaustion and wear and tear is a lot to go through. and the great effort it takes to keep eating healthy, keep making healthy choices, well its not always easy. Anxiety, they should totally add that word too. The anxiety that you could be next. The anxiety that you don't know if you can do life without this person and the very honest answer of, "I don't even know if I want to do life without you there". The anxiety of doing all the things you used to do, but somehow you can't do them as well, somehow the world seems to have gained weight and decided to sit on your shoulders with all of it! and finally, the word loneliness should be included in these stages. The utter and complete aloneness that you feel as you walk this road. Its sometimes haunting and many times feels too much to bear. 

Now I want to make sure I say in all of this that I have incredible family. I have wonderful friends. and I have an amazing God that i love and am trying to trust and gain strength from each day. But today, right now, I want to tell you how i am really feeling. 
Thus the title of this blog.....Forgotten.....

I teach preschool, its one of my biggest joys in life. and I truly believe that it has trained and taught me how to be a mom someday as well. One of the biggest things i have learned in  teaching is that, if I'm lucky, I get about 5 seconds to myself in our room on any given day before someone says, "Miss Becky can you help me?" "Miss Becky I need...." Honestly, sometimes i want to change my name! Again, I know most moms can relate here. But as I think about this, its how I have been feeling in my life outside of teaching lately too. My dad died, people were there a lot after it first happened, we had a lot of financial support, we had a lot of emotional support, and believe me, I could not have made it through without those people. So please know that these next words are not a jab at anyone that has been there or will continue to be there. But yes, at first there were people all around, in fact for the first 2 days I didn't spend 1 minute alone. But slowly, life moves on, people have to continue on into their lives and this goes back to my, "you get 5 seconds" point. Its kind of how our society is wired, its kind of how life goes. You get 5 seconds and then people find something else to think about, someone else has a crisis, people need you back to work and back to life and now, on top of grieving, you have catch up work to do. So now those 5 seconds turn into 0 seconds. 

The loneliness is what has settled in lately and believe me it has taken a huge residence in my heart. The feeling of just knowing that I am going to have to take a lot of these steps by myself. The feelings of being forgotten have really settled in. and the feelings of being "old news" have totally overtaken my heart. I know it my head that I shouldn't feel this way, but in my heart, I just can't escape it. The phone calls, the texts, the emails, the Facebook messages, they all poured in at the beginning and as time goes on they become less and less. This extroverted soul struggles with that because I gain my energy from people. Most of the time I feel like I really need people in my life. and I think the void grows stronger because my dad and I used to talk on the phone everyday. Often we spoke twice a day, in the morning on my way to work and in the evenings on my way home from work. On really long days, a third call might even occur if I was driving home from youth group on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. And now, all of the sudden,without any warning, that is all gone! My best friend, the one I told everything too, he is gone. and I feel all alone. I find myself thinking about the fact that i will never drive back to spend a long weekend with him, we will never have movie nights again, he will never again buy me my special birthday dinner, BLT Pizza and Cherry Coke.I will never again make him a German Chocolate Cake with Caramel Coconut Frosting for his birthday. I will never decorate his house again for Christmas or come home for New Years to take it all down. Parades were our favorite. On Thanksgiving we watched the Macys Parade on Christmas the Disney Parade and on New Years the Rose Bowl Parade. Our FAVORITE! We loved seeing all the flowers and talking about all the floats as they went by. That is the last time I saw my dad. I watched the parade with him this year and then drove back to Minnesota. I had no idea that hug would be the last one Id ever have with him. and again, the loneliness sets in. My brother and his wife are in Bolivia and my dad was SO PROUD of them! But we missed them on holidays, A LOT! So Daddy and I had started our own traditions. We had begun our own things. and now, well now I don't get to carry any of those on. My dad and I lived states away from each other, but he had a way of making me feel like I was never alone, like he was always there whenever I needed him. and I miss him, more than words can say. And again, it has become a very close companion, the loneliness sets in as I begin to walk this road without him, alone. 

Anger, that is another very close friend right now. One that I don't know very well, one that doesn't suit me very well, and one that, to be honest, Im not super fond of. But its an emotion that comes often right now. Anger. Anger at God, Anger at the situation, Anger at people for not getting it, Anger at people who don't have to live it, just anger and with it a big old side of bitterness. 
I teach preschool, as I said before. I often relate many of my life situations to the experiences I have at preschool. And Im sure parents will relate to this feeling as well. I often have a classroom of children who get crazy, who seemingly lose their minds, who feel just utterly and completely out of control! And sometimes it gets to that point in the classroom where you just have to say "ENOUGH!" and I use my teacher voice to get the point across. and the room becomes silent and people realize that you have had enough. I want to scream that to God lately! ENOUGH seriously, ENOUGH! 
From the time I was 11 years old, my mom was diagnosed with bi polar, she made several suicide attempts, she had cancer twice, and she even went missing several times. And thats just my mom. I have had 4 cancer scares, with lots of testing, waiting on results and the anxiety that goes with that. I was diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism as well as Arthritis. I moved to a state with no family and established a life for myself. my brother moved to Bolivia, and the list could go on. Thats hard, thats a lot. and Sometimes I get angry. I talk to my brother about it once in a while but sometimes I just get really mad that we had to grow up so stinking fast! Sometimes Im tired of being strong, sometimes Im tired of things being thrown at me over and over and over again! and sometimes I am just plain tired! I just want to say to God, ENOUGH! Please, can we just be done for a little while? 

and then there is that word, Forgotten. Its noones job to check up on me. its noones job to text me and be sure that Im okay. and to be honest, who even knows the words to say or the way to say them in these situations?? I don't even know and Im the one going through it! and to be honest, it feels selfish to even be thinking about this. It feels selfish to even be thinking about the fact that i want people to call me, that I want them to text me. that I need to talk about it. It feels selfish and needy and then anger sets in all over again. Anger with myself for needing and wanting that. anger with myself knowing that people have lives, that they have plenty of their own things going on and how dare I think the they should be texting me or calling me or taking time out of their day to reach out to me? How selfish can I be? 

I want to say at this end of this long post. I love my God, I love my friends, I love my family. But this grief thing is hard, and today, as much as I want to. I don't have a nice bow to wrap this all up with at the end. This is messy and today is just a plain messy day! Plain and simple! Its messy! Grief is messy! Grief is hard! Grief is not a very good friend. But it is a nescessary one!