Have you ever had those moments in your life? You know, the ones where you are literally at your Whit's End and you're asking yourself, "Really? What else could possibly go wrong?" I know that we have all had those moments. Sometimes they are ones that are not easy to admit, but they are there. Life just seems to pile cruddy situation after cruddy situation all over us. And, we have some choices to make.
Let me explain why I am starting my blog this way. I know that in life we all go through hard times. Trust me, I see them everyday in ministry. So I am not for a second going to tell you here that my tough times are any worse than yours or that somehow mine are tougher. Thats not my goal here at all. My goal is rather to share with you, that I have been there too. That we are in this journey together. That being said, lately, life has thrown quite a few blows at me. And I have had some choices to make about which road I would travel down. But things all came to a head for me in making those decisions last Wednesday Night.
2 Weeks ago, I found a lump on my body. I am not going to graphically go into detail here. I will just tell you that it startled me. It made me concerned. For those of you who dont know, in my family health history, Cancer is a very real thing. Many of my loved ones have been affected by it, so when the doctors saw the lump, they ran some tests, they checked me out and the ruling was that most likely I had a very bad infection that had developed into a cyst. But, there was a chance that it could be cancerous. And because of my family history, it was best to get it further checked. And so, I began to pray. And I made the decision to take a few days and go down to Iowa to be with my family. I had some more tests, and it was decided that I did NOT have cancer. I did have a serious infection that needed to be treated and I had to take some time to stop, relax, rest, and recuperate. During this time of reflection God began to speak to me. I began to dissect all that was going on.
My mom just passed away from Cancer 1 1/2 years ago. I saw her go through so much crap in her life. And a part of me was scared. I didn't want to have to go through those things. I hated seeing her go through all that she had to go through. And honestly, I miss her everyday of my life. This made me think of her even more, and it began to put things in perspective for me. If I did have cancer, If that had been the verdict, would I be leaving a legacy to be proud of the way that my mom did? Would people say the things about me that said about her after she passed away? Would people know how much they meant to me? How much I loved them? How much I cared for them? How important they were to me? It was alot to take in.
And then I came back to Minnesota. And I tried to just throw myself back into my work. People had been so understanding of me when I was gone. They loved me. They cared for me. and they were deeply concerned for me. But I didnt feel like I deserved all of their fuss. I didnt feel like I deserved all of their concern. and when I came back I just began to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with their care for me. Overwhelmed with the amount of "things" that I was doing in my life. But do those "things" matter? What do those "things" mean? No, my life should be about the people in it. My life should be about the relationships that God blesses me with. My life should about leading others into meaningful relationships as well.
So on Wednesday Night, as I was preparing for another Wednesday Night service, I suddenly began to cry. I had people all around me, so my crying is figurative, I was crying inside. And I had to take a few moments. I grabbed my headphones, put them in, and just made the people around me disappear for a few moments. I began to fight. You see, I had to fight this feeling of going into despair and anger. I am thankful everyday of my life that I am blessed to live this life that God has given me. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. But, if I am not careful, I can miss all of those things because I get bogged down with the crap. I lost my mom to cancer, my brother moved to Bolivia and I miss him everyday of my life, and my niece too. God called me to move to Minnesota and my daddy lives 5 hours away from me and I dont have any blood relatives here with me. I am, in some ways, all on my own. I have had several health scares in my life. I still dont know if I will be able to concieve children of my own someday. I am 32 years old, and THIS is not where I thought I would be at all at this point in my life.
But you see, those things, they are cruddy moments in my life, but they are not the moments I should focus on. Because you see the reality is this. My mom is now healed and happy, in the arms of Jesus. My brother has an incredible wife and daughter and I am proud of the man that he is and the way he is serving God. My daddy has an incredible church family and friends in Iowa that love and care for him when I cant. And while I dont have blood relatives here, I have an incredible family in Minnesota, who are here for me in ways I never could have imagined. and while I have had many health scares, God has protected me in EVERY one and brought me through it to the other side. and while this is not where I thought I would be at 32 years old, I have done a lot in this life, I have alot to be proud of. You see, its perspective! I could wallow, I could be angry and bitter, but what good would it do? NONE! You see, we have to fight sometimes! And let me tell you, this week has been quite a fight for me. A fight to push through that feeling of despair and find the never ending JOY that is in Jesus Christ.
I am dealing becoming the woman that I know God wants me to be. Somedays, I fail miserably. Somedays I am unkind to my friends. Somedays I get stressed out and I just need to be left alone. Somedays I swear more than I should because Im frustrated. Somedays I miss the mark. Somedays I miss seeing people hurting because I am too focused on and wrapped up in my own hurts. But somedays, God uses me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and honored to be where I am at in life right now. I am humbled that God sees me and sees someone who he can use.
There is a song I used to sing and my mom used to love it. Its called, "Do They See Jesus In Me?" One of the verses says, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way that you will". THIS is what I want to say tonight. God, USE ME! In whatever means, in whatever way necessary. I want my life to tell a story, but more than that, I want my life to tell YOUR STORY. I want my life to lead others to see YOU! Help me to do that. With love and compassion for those around me.
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