Meet the Parents...

As I have promised, this is my first blog on the list. I have made many promises to myself about this year. I have vowed that I am going to take better care of myself physically, I WILL use my facewash, toner, exfoliater, AND moisturizer EVERY night no matter what. I WILL wear my retainers, no matter how dorky they make me feel :) I WILL use a teeth whitener. I WILL eat healthier, NO MORE POP from this point on...AHHH!!! I WILL eat fruit and vegetables EVERY day. I WILL read for at least an hour every night, I need to be getting more into the word of God and I need to be stimulating myself mentally as well as physically. These are a FEW of the many resolutions I have for the year. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT!!! On to the subjects of this blog- Edward Patrick Canny and Brenda Joyce Canny (Snyder).

My parents story, like every love story starts out with them separately...so lets talk about these first.

Edward Patrick Canny- My dad is the oldest child of 7. He grew up in a catholic home and all of his brothers and sisters and he as well have names from the Saints in the catholic church. This was a HUGE part of his growing up and to be honest, to hear some of the stories he tells, I just get angry that he had to go through these things. He went to catholic school and he has many stories about the nuns. The nuns would not be kind to the students at all, as a teacher now, the things that they did to their students, I would just plain embarassed and so ashamed of myself, Id never face anyone again. He tells of a nun who had a piece of a rubber hose and if someone talked out in class, they would get lashes with the hose. He tells of a time where there was a girl who spoke out and the nun literally grabbed her by the earring and pulled it out of her ear to the point of bleeding, so that she would "know who was boss". I cant believe that this not only happened, but that in his day, it was completely legal.
My dads father died of complications of diabetes when my dad was in high school, he youngest sister was only 5 years old at the time, my father quickly became the father to all of his siblings, helping his mother as much as he possibly could. My father is one of the most LOVING men you will ever meet in your life. I can promise you that. He had to grow up pretty quickly and I think that many of the things that he went through, while they could have hurt and forever ruined someone else, my dad turned them around and became a better person.
In his growing up years, because he was in a catholic church, he had a very warped sense of God, who he was, and what it really meant to be a Christian. In fact, my dad tells us about confession quite often. He, and many of his friends and family members would base their faith on confession. They did whatever they wanted all week, smoking, drinking, chewing, swearing, etc....as long as on Saturday Night, after Mass, they would go to confession and confess what they had done, then they went out, did it all again and repeated, you know, the whole Rinse and Repeat senario. He never really liked this, he has shared with me, but this was all he knew, this is what he was taught, and so this is what he had to do.

MEANWHILE....About 30 miles away....Brenda Joyce Snyder was living her life.

My mom is number 8 in 9 children. She was actually supposed to be the last child, and then, her sister, Beth, was a little surprise :) This turned out to be perfect for my mother, Beth always has been and always will be her very bestfriend. My Grandma and Grandpa Snyder were a very Christian family, we watched The Waltons ALOT growing up and I like to think that this is a pretty clear picture of what growing up was like for my mom, right down to the fact that her Mothers parents lived in the house with the rest of the family. You get the idea, this house was FILLED with people :) 13 people to be exact! I love hearing stories of how my mom grew up, it just sounds like a wonderful home, Im sure it had its problems, but it sounds great to me. She got to share a room with her sisters and they had slumber parties every night, okay, so my mom says that while she loved her sisters, she always longed for her own room, but I think it sounds ideal!
My moms family was a Christian family. They read the Bible together every night in their home. They went to church whenever the doors were open. Church and God were the most important things to her parents and they made sure it was the most important thing to their children as well. I LOVE that this heritage is such a huge part of who we are today.
My moms father was killed in a freak electrical accident and there was no warning to the family at all. My moms brother was also killed in an accident while he was serving in the Phillipines, he hit a Water Buffalo with his Motorcycle and was instantly killed. My moms sister got lost in a blizzard one night and was found by 2 teenage boys 2 days later. To say that these things affected my mom and her mother in significant ways is an understatement. One of these things would completely devastate and forever change a family FOREVER, but ALL of them happening to the same family, well this is just a glimpse into the strength that my mother has. And the strength she would need for what was next in her life.
My Grandma got breast cancer when my mom was a young adult, and she suffered from it for about 10 years. During this time, my mom worked 3 jobs, and cared for her mother as well. She hired someone to care for her during the days at their home and then every evening, after working her 3 jobs all day, she came home and cared for her mother. The thing is, I have NEVER heard her complain about having to do this. In fact, she is greatful and thankful for the time that she had with her mother. After 10 years, the Breast Cancer had gotten into my grandmas bones and there was nothing more that the doctors could do, she passed away.
My mom had put her life on hold, she had not done anything for herself she had lived her life for her mom.

To say that I have 2 of the most amazing parents EVER is quite an understatement. They really are incredible as you can see by both of their individual stories....but I know you are waiting with baited breath to hear the story of how they met and then you are going to want to know about our lives together....but heres the thing friends...I have a job interview to get to, SO, I will leave you with this for right now and later today, you will here, as Paul Harvey used to say, The REST of the story :)

I am who I am...and thats all I can be :)

So....I have written several times about it in my blogs and I have written it in several facebook statuses as well, but in just 23 days, I will hit the big age, that age that seems to just sound so old and THRUST you into adulthood, for now and forever. Thats right friends, the big 3-0!!!!! AHHHH!!!

Well, as I have been thinking about hitting that age, coupled with the fact that its the first day of the new year, my mind has been filled with lots of things :) I never make resolutions for the new year, mostly because I feel like if I make them and dont keep them, I will be a failure, and I dont want to give myself something to fail at...when I already struggle with my self-esteem as it is. HOWEVER, I do spend this time as a time of reflection, I reflect back on the past year, the good things, the bad things, who I was at the beginning of the year, and who I am now. People I have met through out the year and friendships and relationships that have made the year what they are.

2011 has been a BIG YEAR for me, I have made a lot of big decisions, ALOT has happened to me, and I feel as though, I am at the end of this year, a better person for it. That being sad, throughout this year, I have not always felt this way. Last year, at this time, I was living in Sumner, I was sleeping in my bed after having just had an all-nighter with the community youth of Sumner. I was serving as a full time youth pastor and church secretary. THIS in and of itself was HUGE!! I was, for the first time in my life, living alone. I had my own apartment, I was paying all of my own bills, I was making all of my own meals, and taking care of my own place. Pretty proud of the fact that I did it, because I proved to myself that I could. In February, it was the WORST day of my year. On my way back to the church after picking up my last youth member and getting ready to head out to a ski trip, I got a call from my father that my mother had been diagnosed with cancer and it was in her spine, she would undergo emergency surgery that very day and she may never walk again. To say that I had to have strength that day would be quite an understatement. You see, I had to pull it together and take my youth on this ski trip, before I could process any of things I was feeling at that moment. We went on the trip, I somehow made it through. I came back to Sumner, packed my stuff, and then went home. The next few months would be a long journey. My mother is now in remission of her cancer, she still does not have the use of her legs, but its getting there and the doctors have hope she may walk again someday :)
During this time, life was very difficult. My family had to undergo alot of stress. And as anyone knows, with that stress comes frustration. None of us understood why my mother had to go through all of this. But we did know that we served a God who had a plan that we couldnt even pretend to know or understand.
The rest of the year was filled with more lessons to learn. I did 3 camps the summer of 2011. I counseled at a camp for neglected and abused children and my life was changed forever! Those children only had one good week a year and this was that week! My heart was broken, and I was forever changed realizing how amazing my life was. I counseled at Red Rock for the 8th year in a row!! Some of my closest friends are there. This year at Red Rock, God really began to speak to my heart. He spoke many things to me, some of which he is still speaking now. One thing was that he began to speak to my heart about leaving Sumner. I wasnt really ready to listen at that point in time, as I had just moved there not that long before and I was working my dream job, why in the World would God call me out of it, seemingly almost as fast as he called me in to it? But, by the end of the week, I knew what he was saying. I bawled and fought it for a while.
I came home from Red Rock and helped lead VBS at Sumner church. It was that week that God really spoke to me, as the new pastor came to visit, God told me I am leading you out, be open to it and quit fighting me. I was getting ready to be the youth director at Camp Zion after this. I got really sick the week before Zion, what I thought was just the flu, turned out to be much more. I went to camp and worked through all of my illness that whole week and God moved and did some incredible things. One of which was that he lead me to know I would be leaving Sumner VERY QUICKLY. In fact, after camp was over, I was till so sick, I had to take a few days off and come back to Oskaloosa to see my doctors.
At this time, the doctors did alot of testing. Finding out that I had arthritis, my thyroid was out of whack, my hormones were way out of balance, and I needed to be closely monitored for a while. During this same time, my fathers health was not doing that great either, and he was quite lonely and stressed with my mom being in the nursing home. The doctors told me that it would be best if I could be back in Oskaloosa, if it was at all possible. I didnt see how this could even work, I didnt have a job here, I didnt have a home here, nothing. BUT....God knew, and HE had a plan. With in one day, and without even an interview, I was offered a job teaching preschool, but I had to start a week later. Which is when the doctors wanted me to be back.
I had no choice but to see that this was God and I must follow him. So I did! I went back to Sumner, and had 3 days to pack up my things, and say good bye to the life I had just made for myself and in all of it trust that God had something bigger and better. The people of Sumner were caring, loving, and understanding. I moved home! My dad and I found a place to live in together and I began to teach preschool.
I have had a great ministry to my children and their parents. My health has improved greatly since moving back, and many issues that I have had for YEARS that have gone unnoticed are now being resolved and cared for! Praise God! My fathers health is better than it has been in YEARS!! His cholesterol is lower, his blood pressures and blood sugars are great and he is happy :)
I cant argue that God was in control, he was helping us with things we didnt even know we needed help with.
I am now teaching preschool at a private Christian school and loving it. However, the economy has greatly affected us and we may have to close soon. I have had to go and look for another job. and try to understand and see God in this as well. He called me back here, he has a plan, I just have to believe it :) I have 2 interviews this week and know that God has some GREAT things in store for 2012!!!
You see, MANY things have happened in this past year, things that have molded me and changed me and most of all have allowed me to get to know God in ways I never have before. and I am thankful for all of the trials for that very reason, because its ALL FOR THE GLORY OF GOD!! Something I learned through a class I took called Perspectives, which also changed my life in 2011!!!
While it isnt what I planned or what I thought it would be, 2011 has been a year of growth and change in the life of Becky Canny and I am proud of the person I am now! No matter what it took to get me here.
But, back to that 3-0 thing :) What I want to do this year, is blog more. I want my life to be chronicled more for people to see, for myself to see. I want Gods glory to be seen in my life. So what I am going to do for the next 23 days (thats how many days until my birthday), I am going to blog about the people in my life that have helped make me who I am today. The places and things that have brought me here. so heres a look at what is to come friends :) Hope you enjoy.

January 2- My Parents- Ed and Brenda Canny
January 3- My Brother, My Bestfriend- Bryan Edward Canny
January 4- My Sister, My Bestfriend- Shannon
January 5- BESTFRIEND- Meggan
January 6- Distance Matters Not in a true friend- Melissa
January 7- How are we so much alike?-Trista
January 8- Adopted Grandparents- Grandpa and Grandma Lindsey, Gpa Bob and Gma Betty
January 9- Friends are Friends Forever- Angie, Megan, and Stephanie.
January 10- Work Friends can be True Friends- Marianne and Lauren
January 11- What happens at Vennard Stays at Vennard- SOMETIMES...The College Years :)
January 12- High School Years- they changed my life.
January 13- My honoary BIG brother (Mike Graff), and even on his birthday :) Tim Lemmens and other musicians in my life.
January 14- My Church Family
January 15- My Red Rock Family
January 16- My Bethel Camp Family
January 17- My Shiloh Camp Family
January 18- RFKC- Royal Family Kids Camp
January 19- My Preschool Class
January 20- My Sumner Family
January 21- My honorary neices and nephews- Gabe and Thadd, Hannah, Thano, Ethan, Noah, Aiden, and Austin, Jonah, Judah, and Jesse, Jackson and Lanie.
January 22- Time with the Guys- My big brothers
January 23- a reflection of the last 30 years of my life....this one could be long ;) Please read it.
January 24----THE CELEBRATION!!!! My entrance into my 30s!!!!!! Hope its a fun ride :)

So there you have it friends, for the next 24 days at least, I will be blogging once a day, I hope that you are ready for it :) Thank You all for being a part of this journey with me!!!

Love you

Becky

New Years Eve...NOT the movie this time :)

I think that every year I write a blog about New Years Eve, almost like a tradition or something. I think I write a blog on Valentines Day every year too. But here it goes...

Since I was a little girl, Christmas has always been one of my favorite times of year. I loved decorating the house with my mom, I loved going shopping with my mom, I dont even mean just for presents, but I mean going to get all the groceries and things needed to make the holidays special. We always drove around our neighborhood looking at lights, one of moms favorite things to do each year :) I loved going to houses and delivering goody plates with her that she had taken such care to make for each and every person she was delivering too. I loved how Bryan and I would wake up on Christmas morning to the presents under the tree :) We always knew that wasnt the reason for the season, but it was still a special time, Bryan had his side, all of his presents wrapped in paper mom had speically chosen and taken care to wrap each gift, his boy stocking and boy snowflake bear carefully placed in front of his mound of gifts. and my side of the tree the same, my carefully wrapped gifts, my snowflake girl bear, and my girl stocking :) Daddy and Mommys gifts always in the middle. It was always tradition that I had more presents on my side of the tree than Bryan. My mom HATED this, but here is the thing, Bryan would ask for things like guitars, amplifiers, big gifts :) and I would ask for cd's, dvd's, make up, books, the littler gifts. The Christmas season was a speical time in our house. It started at Thanksgiving, mom always made a huge meal and for breakfast her speical egg casserole, we would settle down for the Macys parade and mom would watch while running in and out of the kitchen getting our meal ready for the day. We would then go to our adopted Grandma and Grandpas place and eat with them. We had a tradition that before we ate anything we would go around the table and share what we were thankful for. I LOVED going to grandma and grandpa lindseys. Then Bryan and I would come back home and watch Home Alone.

I could go on and on about our traditions, but you see, this year, I HATED the holidays :( I know I sound like scrooge, but its true I hated it. I put up decorations here in the house to keep in the spirit, but all it did was serve as a reminder of my mother, we put all of HER decorations up. Her favorite part of Christmas, in college, my friends would joke that Christmas threw up in our house and they LOVED it and so did we!! Dad and I were alone on Thanksgiving, we watched the parade, dad even made breakfast, but it just wasnt the same. We went to see mom, but she just didnt have much happiness either. Bryan and Molly came to visit a few weeks later, a week before actual Christmas. and we had a great visit, but it sure wasnt long enough, and it still meant that on the actual Christmas Eve and Day, Daddy and I were again, alone. We went to church, we went to see mom, but it just wasnt the same. I found myself wishing the days would just be over and done with....because seeing peoples facebooks about celebrating their holidays just made me more mad and more jealous with every glance.

Now its New Years Eve and here I am, sitting alone again. My dad is here and we are trying to make it special, but its just NOT THE SAME!!! I miss my mom! I miss my brother! I just plain MISS THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE!! I know, I know, as we grow up those things change, but that just sucks. You see, if you look back up to all the traditions of Christmas, they all include my mom. and this season has just served as a reminder that she is still not here with us, at least she is still alive and we can visit her....but I still miss her!!

I guess that this year, New Years Eve is going to be a night of prayer for me. Prayer that things will be different and better in 2012! I want my mom to get her life back! I want my dad not to be so lonely! I want to find the man of my dreams. I want 2012 to be a year of joy!!!! It is also happens to be the year that I turn.....gulp....30! So I hope it is not selfish, but I am hoping for a better year.

I do want to say that I am VERY THANKFUL for the things God did this year. My mother is still in remission from her cancer!!!! Praise the Lord!!! Since moving home and into a house with my dad, his health is better than it has been in very long time!! My physical health has gotten better as well, still not quite up to par, but SO MUCH better than it was. My brother and his wife are having an amazing ministry in Bolivia. I had a good ministry in Sumner and am having a great ministry now that I have moved back to Oskaloosa as well. Although I have had many trials this year, I am thankful that through them all, God has drawn my closer to himself. I am very thankful that I serve a living God!!!

Happy New Year to you all :)

New Years Eve......

Okay, you all have known me for long enough to know that I am a hopeless romantic. If there is a cheesy romantic chick flick to be seen, I WILL be there, and I will probably ask for the DVD for Christmas or my birthday :) I, in true fashion, made NO EXCEPTION when it came to "New Years Eve", now I know, you can tell from the preview it is going to be really cheesy and filled with lots of little love stories, and since it is written in the same style as "Valentines Day", many people Im sure have already made the same vow my brother has, "I WILL NOT BE SEEING THAT MOVIE". But since when do I follow the crowd people? In fact, to be honest with you, that cheesy sappiness is what drew me right in :)

I have to be honest, when I was living alone in Sumner, I would often times go and rent those chick flicks and watch them by myself in my apartment. I guess for me, it keeps the dream alive. See, I am going to be that tough age in just a little over a month, the BIG 3-0....and it has been REALLY TOUGH for me to face it :( even though my preschoolers tell me, "it does sound VERY OLD Miss Becky, but we love you, and really you dont look that old and you are not as tall as a 30 year old either :) " Love those kids. BUT, hitting the age has made me realize what I think about every time I see one of those chick flicks, I am alone, I am 30 years old, I have NEVER been on a date in my life, I have NEVER been kissed, I have NEVER had a boyfriend, I just plain feel like a pathetic loser. There, I said it. You see the reality is, when I watch these movies I always have a good cry. I think thats good for us every now and again though. Those good crys :)

But as I said, watching these movies keeps those dreams alive for me. Tonight watching "New Years Eve" brought alot of those same things to me again. There was a woman in the movie tonight who had her "resolutions list", it was really more of a bucket list, but see she was in much the same boat as me, she was a single woman, alone, she had friends, but inside, she was dying, because she had never really made choices for herself. She had lived her life making sure everyone else was pleased and putting herself last. Dont take this as me saying Im a saint, I am FAR FROM THAT. I just realized that I have a list of those dreams too and I guess, as I hit that age of 30, I am beginning to worry that maybe I am not going to get to see any of those dreams come true. And I dont want that to happen. I have always been a dreamer, always believed that things would happen for me, but in Gods time and not mine. I dont want to loose that. Its just that as I look around and see all of my friends, dating, in relationships, engaged, married, becoming parents, it does make me jealous. I am not afraid to admit that! I am very happy for them, I just find myself asking, "what is it about me that makes me so repulsive?" "Do I really have the qualities that would make a guy want ME?" And many times I am scared of the answers. But IM TIRED OF BEING SO SCARED! IM TIRED OF NOT LIVING LIFE!!!

SO....I am going to write my list, right here. My hope is that by writing my list, some of might keep me accountable to making the things on my list happen and that you might pray with me about the things that only God can make happen, in HIS TIME. I had a conversation with one of my best friends from college a few months ago, Meggan Schwirtz. She was in a wedding, her mom asked her, "well Meggan, is this the last wedding you will be in?" and Meggan replied to her, "nope, I have one more" her mom said, "whose is that?" and Meggan replied to her, as if I already had the ring on my finger, "well Beckys, of course, she is going to make some guy very lucky!". I wish that I had the same confidence in myself that SHE has in me, but that is why she will be in my wedding, IF it ever occurs, because she does believe in me, cares for me, and supports me. I am thankful for many others in my life who do too. So without further ado...here is my list :)

1- Meet the Man of my Dreams
2- go on a date- actually go on ALOT of dates, with said person in #1!!!
3- Have my very own prom- I have never been to a dance or a prom in my life as the church we grew up in frowned upon this, and I never want to break the rules :)
4- go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas Time and see the Big Christmas Tree
5- Go to Disneyland at Christmas Time and see the Christmas Parade
6- Record my own album
7- Write my own music and actually have the courage to share it with people.
8- Write a book
9- Have my own children and adopt some too.
10- Visit Ireland and learn about my heritage
11- Dance in the Rain
12- Have the BIGGEST WEDDING EVER with the man of my dreams :)
13- Start a youth center and help youth who so desperately need it
14- Build, Manage, and Direct my very own camp
15- Go on a HUGE SHOPPPING SPREE at what other store, OLD NAVY of course :)
16- sing in front of ALOT of people!
17- Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
18- Visit Stars Hollow :)
19- See all of my favorite bands perform live!!
20- Spend New Years Eve with the man I love and get kissed at Midnight.
21- Lead Worship with the man of my dreams
22- Learn to Play Guitar
23- Learn to play piano
24- Visit California

I have MANY DREAMS, but these are some of the biggest ones. Bottom line is that, I know I am already blessed with the most amazing family and friends, but there are still dreams that I have and things in my life that I want to achieve and I hope that I get the chance to do some of them!!!!

pop tarts

Okay, so I know I have not been so great at getting time to write on my blog lately....but when I get time, I write what has been on my mind. Todays is kind of a random thought, but please read all of this before writing me off :)

Poptarts, okay, so I think we can all admit that we love these things to indulge in every once in a while :) You can eat poptarts in two different ways. You can just open up that package and take one out right away....or, if you have the patience, you can wait the extra few minutes, warm it up in the toaster and then pull out and induldge in that gooey deliciousness :0)

Most of the time, I take the easy route, I open the package and just bite in on my way out the door to work. But boy on those days when I take the extra time to put it in the toaster, I think to myself, "why dont I just have the patience to wait everyday and enjoy what I know could be even better if I was just willing to wait a few minutes." :)

Okay, now go with me on this, sometimes I think this is how we treat our lives as well. First of all, we get so busy and so caught up that we miss the beauty around us. We miss the smiles on our friends faces, we miss going to hang out because we just have to many other things to get done. We miss life, because we are just too busy. I watched a movie a couple weeks ago called, "Conversations with God". One of the quotes from the amazing movie was from a woman who had been missing out, she said, "Im so busy making a living that Im not living at all, in fact, Im making a dying". You see she had been missing out on all the joy around her, because she was just settling for working and not living.

In our spiritual lives it is much the same. We all get so busy with all the other "stuff" and God is usually one of the first things that we easily let go of. We dont do our devotions, or we just take a quick 5 minutes and tell God what we need. We settle for as little as possible, BUT, if we just took a few extra minutes, what could we find in those minutes?

Would we find peace to help us through the worries and trials? Would we find joy instead of heart ache? Would we find strength to help us face what lies ahead? Would we find the real savior that we claim to love so much? I think we would be surprised with what we would find. I know I have been. In my life this past year, EVERYTHING has been torn from me. My mother has been very sick and unable to be there for me like she has been my whole life, my baby brother got married and moved to Bolivia and we have been bestfriends all of our lives, I had to learn to live life without him. I even moved away from home for a year, living completely alone, all a plan from my Lord and Savior who loves me enough to pull me through the crud, if it means my coming closer to him. I have been learning to cherish these quiet times, and when I miss them, my day is just not the same. I NEED them, I need JESUS!

Now I am in no way comparing our Lord to some measly toaster pastry, just the idea that for me, I realize that this small thing, made me think about something much bigger than I.

I havent always enjoyed football, but when I lived with my brother and his friends, we watched alot of it and I actually began to really enjoy it, now I follow some teams and watch it on my own sometimes! Well of course in the news right now is Tim Tebow. He is in the news because of the life he is choosing to live for Christ. And he is catching alot of flack for it, but you know what, HE DOESNT CARE! He says, "its my relationship with God, I want to shout about it any chance I get". So thats what I want to start doing too. If that means that every time I enjoy a pop tart (toasted of course) it reminds me of the sweetness of that precious time with Christ, them more power to you little pop tart! I vow to do this with my life as well, I will shout about my relationship with God and I will spend that extra time alone with him, so I have even more to shout about :)

I love you friends.

Merry Christmas!!!

ITS BEEN TOO LONG!!!

Okay....it has been a VERY VERY VERY long time since I have updated this thing and MANY changes have happened in my life since then! SO here we go!

Well, okay it all started at Red Rock Camp this summer. God began to speak to me about some changes he wanted to make in my life. To be honest, it happened back last October. I had sensed God leading me to move to a job I had been offered in Sumner Iowa to be a full time church secretary and youth pastor. This was AFTER my mother had been suffering from some very difficult health problems and I had been caring for her and my father. I felt selfish for leaving, but my brother, his wife, and I got things in order for mom and dad and I made the 3 hour move to Northeast Iowa. I learned alot about myself in the year I was there. First of all, I lived in an apartment BY MYSELF for the first time in my life!! I learned that while I HATED IT! I could do it and make it on my own, which was something I was always scared of and not sure I could do. I began to make some friends in Sumner and grew close to the youth.

In the beginning of the winter season in Sumner, shortly after Christmas, I was getting ready to take my kids on a ski trip when I recieved the call that my father had recieved the news that my mother had cancer. At this point in time, they thought it was spinal cancer in very advanced stages and did not give us a lot of hope on her prognosis. I somehow gained my composure and took my youth group on their trip after that point, and then made arangements to travel home to see my mother, meet with doctors, etc. NOT AN EASY thing to go through and let me just tell you CANCER SUCKS!!!!! ALOT!!!! However, we were lucky, we found out that moms cancer was not the spinal cancer they thought it was. We found out that it was Lymphoma and that it was not only treatable, but the one kind of cancer that many doctors will use the word curable when describing it.

It is now October and while my mother is still trying to regain the use of her legs, and is still going through some other health issues, HER CANCER IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION AND SHE HAS HOPE OF REGAINING SOME USE OF HER LEGS!!!! God is good and even in a tough situation, he drew us closer to him! I went back to Sumner after she began chemotherapy and it was SO DIFFICULT! My father was completely alone back in Oskaloosa. He was travelling with her to her appointments and bearing much of the weight of this on his own. It was while I was at Red Rock that God began to speak to me about having something different he wanted me to do.

To be honest, at first I thought he was calling me to move further away from my family. Maybe he wanted me to move to the cities where I had alot of friends and there were more opportunities for work and ministry. I continued to pray and I knew he wasnt calling me to the cities, but I knew he was calling me out of Sumner. Then my dad began to share with me how lonely he really was, how tough it really was for him to be alone with no family close by. I went back home for a few days after directing a camp at the end of the summer. It was then, as I was visiting my father, that God made it clear to me. What he was asking me to do, what he was calling me to do, was to move back home to Oskaloosa. He would provide a job for me, not one that would pay much, but I would get by until he was ready to provide more. He would provide a home for me, not in ways I would understand, but he would and I had to just trust him.

The part that was hard was understanding why he had called me to Sumner in the first place, just to call me back home a year later. I wasnt sure I was ready to listen, until my health began to decline. At this point, my doctors highly encouraged that I move back home while they got it back on track. My thyroid was severely out of whack, my blood sugars were too high, my blood presssure was too high, bottom line, I needed to get my medicines under control and I needed to be close to my doctors. I also needed to be closer to my family. I needed to help my father and I needed his help as I went through some of this medical stuff as well.

SO.....I put it in Gods hands, I made the choice, and I moved! It happened VERY FAST! I was offered a job, the DAY I applied! Not much pay,but enough to make ends meet for the first few months I was here until I got on my feet and could find something else. God then provided a place to live....well, let me back up. First, I tried to do it on my own. I got mixed up into A VERY BAD apartment situation, I lost money on the deal and was VERY UNSAFE, BUT God protected me through it all and then unfolded his plan.

You see, my dad, was ready to move to a house, he was getting tired of his apartment, and while we know that it is not hopeful that my mother will move back home, if we got her to a nursing home in Oskaloosa, she COULD come visit if we lived in the right place. Living in his apartment, he would not have the hope of her visiting him there. He also didnt have a yard or a place he could sit outside and enjoy the weather. He felt cooped up. My moving back, gave us both a chance to find a place together. So we found a perfect little house. and now we are there together. He has someone so he doesnt have to be alone and I can care for him the way he needs. And I have someone to talk to as well. My dad was beginning to have some of his own health issues as well. This was God ordained, even though it was difficult to see at the time.

My health, after 2 months of VERY CRAPPY STUFF, has finally started to show improvement! my blood pressure and blood sugars have evened out! I have lost about 40 pounds and am on my way to loosing alot more :) and my hormones are evening out as well! This part takes a little bit more time than the rest of the stuff unfortunetly :( But at least improvments are on their way!

I have been sitting here thinking for the past few months that I dont really understand God. I try so hard to understand, to "get it", to "wrap my brain around it", but I just plain cant do it. and then a comment that I said to my small group girls at camp comes to my mind, "I dont want to serve a God that I can wrap my head around, he just wouldnt be big enough then". Somehow I think saying that and believing and living it, are 2 VERY DIFFERENT THINGS :)

October is a month of reflection for me, my bestfriend Meggans sister and her boyfriend were killed in a car accident in October, they were so young and understanding it is just very difficult and I dont know that we are meant to. My bestfriend Shannon, who is more like a sister to me, would have 5 year old twins right now had she not lost them before they even had a chance to enter the world. Its in October that I moved to Sumner and left my family for the first time in my life, and went through some very difficult trials COMPLETELY ALONE. And just this week, my bestfriend Shannon had a friend who lost a baby boy that was just 4 months old. I didnt know her personally, but I still am speechless while trying to understand what she is going through.

I would be lying if I told you that I handle all of this with joy, strength, grace, and understanding toward God, because, I DONT! I look around and am jealous of my friends on facebook who are my age, they are married and have met the love of their life, and here I am 29 years old and still completely alone. They have children, and with all of my health problems, one very difficult statement the doctors have made is that I may never be able to have children of my own. I LOVE children and have dreamed of being a mom for YEARS of my life, and while I am SO HAPPY for my friends, I dont understand why God doesnt think Im worthy of these things and bless me with them as well. I question alot how God can allow people who have dedicated their lives to his service to suffer from cancer like my mother, who has been THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN I have EVER KNOWN in my life. Why does he allow children to suffer with illness and pain and die? Why does he allow parents to go through the pain of loosing a baby? Why do I have to have all these health problems in my life and feel like I cant be myself anymore?

I have had alot of these questions lately. I am such a bubbly and outgoing person, but October, it takes that away from me. I want to spend time with my friends, I want to live like a 2o something, instead of worrying about my health issues all the time. I want to have a job that pays me what I should be making after working my butt off to get a BA, instead of struggling to make ends meet every paycheck. I want to be happy. I want my friends not to feel the pain of the things that they have had to go through!

But you know what, my friend Shannon said some amazing things in her senior chapel after loosing her babies, she allowed God to use her pain to bring people closer to him. Her notes from that chapel are STILL BEING USED in sermons today because out of that pain, she allowed God to make her a stronger woman! Meggan and her family now host a walk every year in honor of her sister. Meggans mother has started an organization to bring the light of Christ to people through a tragic situation. A mother who lost her baby shared that even for only the 4 months, she would have still done it all again just for the joy of knowing him.

You see, its AMAZING, our God loves us so much that he takes the time and cares so much about our well being, that he literally puts trials in our lives sometimes, just so that we can be closer to him. HE LONGS for us to know him more, he desires our souls, our hearts, our lives! He WANTS US! He pursues us. As I reflect lately, I realize that all these trials, all this "stuff", has made me draw closer to God! The questions, they make me seek answers and as I seek those answers, I learn more about the God that loves me unconditionally.

I am THANKFUL this October. Thankful for my mom being in remission of cancer! Thankful that I have the ability and chance to spend these days with my father and that I am able to help him and care for him! Thankful for the friends that I have in my life. Thankful that I know that if we can make it through the pain of the valley, the beauty of the mountain is a gift that we can not even begin to imagine!!! God has a plan and I get to take it step by step as he leads me. Right now those steps were, move back home, work at a daycare, move in with your father, take care of your father, cherish the moments you have with your family, cherish your friendships, QUIT SELLING YOURSELF SHORT and see HOW AMAZING YOU ARE, because youre a creation of Christ!!!

I am going to allow myself to be a new creation in Christ and be used of him daily. Through the good and the bad, HE IS THE SAME GOD, yesterday, today, and FOREVER! And he is the God I am committed to serving, and knowing more and more each day.

Royal Family Kids Camp and LIfe Changes....

This past week, I had amazing opportunity to go and work at Royal Family Kids Camp. This was something I was very excited about, many of you who know me well, know that camp is something that I LOVE!!! Since college that is my summer, counseling at camps, working with youth, I just love it!!! My dream job, other than the one I have right of being a full time youth pastor, would be to work as a camp director. Giving children and youth a chance to have a great week of their lives. I would have camps for children with disabilities, children with terminal illnesses, children who are families of those with terminal illnesses, regular camps, and camps like the one I just went to. That would be my dream.

This week, at Royal Family Kids Camp, 100% of the children attending are from abused and neglected homes. And they are all from our state! All from the very areas that we live in every day of our lives, what a mission field, that we sometimes forget is even there! I love these children so much, my heart broke for them as we were working at camp this week. It was alot harder for me than I thought it would be. I guess I kind of went into this camp thinking arrogantly to be honest. Thinking, oh well I have done camps since college, I can handle this and it will be just fine. Boy was I wrong!!! This camp changed my life in ways I never even dreamed it would.

First of all, to sit at night with a little girl and sing her to sleep was just awesome! She had never been sung to sleep before and she just loved it :) and so did I! One night, I had to hold back tears as I thought about how, for Bryan and I, this was an every night occurance, my mom would come into Bryans room first, rub his back and sing and then he would drift off to sleep, then it was my turn, I took much longer, because I loved it so much, I loved to sing with her, it was one my favorite parts of the day and a memory I still treasure to this day, and now, God gave me a chance, even if only for 5 days, to give that memory to this little girl! How awesome is that? She was the sweetest thing too.

I conquored some pretty big fears this week too, I got in the pool 4 times! Which, for me, is a HUGE deal, because I HATE SWIMMING! Mainly, because I dont know how and it just plain scares me! But to see the faces of those girls light up when I got in the pool to swim with them and play with them, it was worth every tear that I shed trying to face the fear. and now, I actually enjoy the pool! and look forward to going back and maybe even learning how to actually swim!!

Another part of camp was truly seeing myself in God eyes, you see, I struggle daily with my self esteem. Partly because of horrible people from my past and mean things they said, I had a GREAT family, I just didnt always have great friends or relationships. People can be cruel, and I feel like it is some kind of sickness that satan uses on me, but I remember almost every mean and hurtful thing that has ever been said to me, as I have shared in past blogs. Getting past that has been hard, but God reminded me that just as he loves these kids and gives them new names and sees them in ways that they cant even imagine, he sees that beauty in me too. Using my gifts this week helped me see that. I got to help with music, sing, make up actions, have fun, and the kids embraced that and it was awesome! I got to see myself through the lens of God, even for just a second, and the beauty I saw was hard for me to accept or believe. How could God really see me that way? How could these kids see me that way? But they did, just as I saw their beauty, they saw mine and we shared in it together. Same with many of the staff, we saw this beauty that we may have never seen in one another before and it was AWESOME! We lived this week the way God intended for us to live and I miss it!

Leaving and coming back was very tough. To hear one child say to his counselor, "please take me home with you, please, if I come and live with you, at least I wont be locked in a closet" to see another child grab handfuls of cookies before he left the church because he didnt know when he would be fed again. To see the faces of these kids as their parents came to get them and they didnt even hug or smile after not seeing their child for a week. To see one mom grab the arm of her child and say lets get going while the child tried to say good bye to her counselor. To see the faces of some of the kids as they went back into their shells as soon as we arrived home, THAT WAS HEARTBREAKING!

These kids deserve to live the life we gave them for a week all year round. They deserve 3 good meals a day, attention from adults, love and care, a bath everyday. I know that I realize how great I had it now. I knew it before, but its just so much more real now. I have memories of my mom bringing treats to school, cookies made speical for each child with their name written on them, singing us to sleep every night, birthday parties at adventureland, happy joes, mc donalds and other fun places, fishing every summer with my dad, playing catch with my daddy and brother every summer. Sledding with them in the winter and then coming back in the house with hot chocolate and cookies that my mom had made. Christmases with lots of presents, movies and an amazing dinner. I could go on and on. and all of this, topped off by saying that EVERYDAY, at least once, if not mulitiple times a day, my mom and dad hugged me and told me they loved me! and so did my brother. (okay, not in high school, we were too cool then) :) But I had all this blessing and I missed it sometimes by wishing I had more.

I am so thankful that out of all I have been given, I was able to give back just a little bit. THat hopefully, through my blessings, I was able to bless some children this week as well! God is good, and he is going to be with those kids even when we cant! But I sure do miss them and wish I could do more!!!!