So I became very public a few weeks ago sharing with you that I was going to do the Daniel Fast again, as the rest of the church was doing this too. Some of the congregation, not all of them. Well, about 5 or 6 days into the fast, I began to hear comments from those around me about why they had chosen not to do the fast this year, things like, "because God has not called me", or "its become a ritual to me and its lost significance". And many other reasons as well. As I continued with my fast, things began to ring in my ears, God began asking me why I was really doing this fast, was it really for him, and did I really even know who he was at this point in my life. So I began to listen to myself, the things I would say through out the day. Yes, I do talk to myself often in my mind, its not crazy, just a motivation thing at times :) And I began to listen to my prayers to God. And several things rang in my head that I just couldnt look past. I kept thinking about all the weight I would loose, so I would look better on the outside and then maybe I would feel better about myself all the way around. I was thinking about how through this, by my sacrifice maybe God would miraculously heal my mom, and if I stopped earlier, maybe he would make her sick forever and NEVER heal her. and I began to realize that I was getting very physically ill, because this fast was effecting my thyroid issues as well. And so, after much prayer and consideration, I stopped the fast. And to be honest, I feel free, somehow I feel closer to God, because Im growing closer to him in ways that HE is asking, not on MY terms.
But I learned ALOT from this as well. You see, this has been my walk with God. Its always been about me. How does my walk with him make ME feel? How does being a Christian affect MY life? but this is where I have been WRONG!! Its not about me at all....not even one part of it!! Its about GOD!! And I have to be honest and tell you that right now, I find myself at a place that I dont even know how much I actually know God. I have been a Christian all myself, I have heard about him and read about him and taught about him and sung about him and wrote papers about him, but do I really KNOW him? Does my relationship with him really change me? NO! Because I have been making it about ME for far to long! When I pray, its because I have things I need him to do for me or for those that I love. When he doesnt answer in the way that I think he should, I get angry with him and pull away rather than drawing closer and realizing that he has a GREATER plan than I could ever dream.
I love the skit guys, and they do this skit called, Gods Chisel. I will try to attach it to this, but I cant promise anything :) Im not that technically saavy....however, there is a quote from it that I want to use. They say, "When you look in the mirror who do you see?....if its still you, then I still have work to do, because when you look at that mirror and when others look at you, I want them to see my son!" I want that to be my life. When people look at me, they dont see me at all. They see God! But in order for that to happen, I must know him, much more than I do right now.
This is my honest heart right now. I want to know God more than I do right now. I want to love him more than I do right now. I want to serve him more than I do right now. I want to be like him. I want him to be seen in me much more than he is right now. At the end of the day though, what I want doesnt even matter, its what HE wants. So I want to ask you, who is God to you right now? Do you know him? I am taking an AMAZING class right now, it is called PERSPECTIVES. Its about God, who he is and how I can let him radically change my life and then share that with others. Its incredible!! The speaker last night, he was awesome. He shared some great stuff, but he shared this quote that has just been "haunting" me.
He asked us this: "Are you following God or are you living your life and asking him to follow you?" I had to really think about this and tell you that honestly, until last night, I would say that i was living the later. I was asking God to answer my prayers in my way and do what I wanted. Rather than trusting that he had a great plan and that I just needed to surrender and follow it!
I was thinking about this the other day. I have been through alot this year. And was asking God to help me understand why. Mainly for me to understand why it is that after praying for my mom to get better over and over and over again, why he couldnt just reach down and make it better all at once. But it became abundantly clear to me the other day. You see, if he had done that, I would still be at the same place in my relationship with that I always have been. Maybe a little more greatful and thankful. But I wouldnt be on my face before him right now trying my hardest to find him and who he is. And I certainly wouldnt have been changed in the way that I have been. He had to drag me down to the pit, so that I would see how much I needed him and so that I would truly begin to rely on him and who he wants to be in my life.
I make this promise, to you, my family and friends, to my youth group, but most of all, to MY GOD! I WILL BE CHANGED! You will see Christ in me. You will see me becoming more like him in all that I do! I am a FOLLOWER OF CHRIST no questions! I am HIS, WHOLLY AND COMPLETELY HIS!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment