I think that I am going to start designating Friday as my blogging days. Days where I sit and reflect on the lessons that God has taught me throughout the week. Because, lets be honest, I dont have much time through out the week to do it. :) Unless the weather is so unbearably cold that work is cancelled. Which I will tell you that while I enjoyed a day off this week, I will give up the cold for work anytime! But again, I disgress.....
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
If Im Being Honest.....
Well, moving to Minnesota, while one of the best decisions of my life, sometimes feels like a not so great one :) Okay so I am only saying that because today I am sitting in my house with -50 temps outside right now, work being cancelled because of the extreme cold temperatures. Ugh! My body is NOT SO GREAT at handling these cold temps either :( I have had arthritis since I was 14 and cold temps like this just don't feel so great. :( But I digress. I am also THANKFUL for this time to work from home and reflect as well. So, I decided to blog today.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas with the Canny's
Christmas was always my favorite holiday. I remember when I was little I started listening to Christmas music in October, right after Halloween. It drove my family crazy sometimes, but they loved me anyways. Christmas, I realize, was my favorite because my mom made it so special in our home. We had SO MANY traditions. So many things in our family. and now, that we are all apart, I miss them. Its as though the "magic" of Christmas has gone.
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Count Your Blessings....
So A few weeks ago, my friend posted this on her blog. and I thought, what better way to choose Joy, what better way to count my blessings than to do what she did? So Here they are, the 7 deadly sins, with a twist.
seven great things in your life.
1. My daddy. He is one of the most loving, caring, and supportive people I have ever met in my life. He has shown me what true love really means as he loved my mother with a love I have never seen from anyone else. and he loves my brother and I with an incredible love. He loves my niece with an indescribable love. He cares for others and he loves his God with EVERYTHING that is in him.
2. My church. I am GREATFUL that I have the church family I do. They love me unconditionally. They take care of me. They make me feel important and special often. and they give me a chance to serve in the best way I know how.
3. My Small Group. I get to meet with some of the most amazing people every Monday Night. We read the Bible together. We do life together. We share the happy moments, we care for one another during the trials. All in all, we are there for each other. And I believe with all of my heart that I would not make it through life without them in it.
4. My Girl Friends. I have some of the BEST friends in the World. Ones from College who have been my some of bestfriends for 13 years, and I know will be there for another 13 and more! You are amazing. I have so many women in my life who I am greatful for in Minnesota as well. Ones who are in my small group. Ones who are from Red Rock Camp who have become far more than just camp friends. Ones from my church family. ones I have had the joy of working with. ALL of you I am greatful for and thank God for each and everyday!
5. My honoary brothers. I have so many guys in my life who I am thankful for daily. The ones who were in college with me who teased me like a little sister but also took care of me, stood up for me, and watched out for me often. Ones who I can call now who will fix my car at a moments notice, who will drop what they are doing to come and pick me up when my car breaks down on the side of the road. Ones who will stand up for me when I am not being treated fairly and Im too nice to do it myself. Ones who will watch football with me. and yes, ones who still tease me, because i know their teasing is done in love for me.
6. My baby brother, he has been my BEST friend since I was 2 years old and that will never change. I can laugh with him, I can cry with him. I can share moments with him that i can share with noone else. He is the best brother I could have ever asked for and he has given me 2 of the most amazing gifts in the World. An Incredible Sister in Law whom I am very greatful for and the most beautiful little girl in the World who I get to call my niece :) and she even looks like me! ha ha!
7. My un-phaseable ambition
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seven things you lack and covet.
1. Money
2. A Better Car
3. A Skinnier Body
4. A Man (someone to cherish, and someone who cherishes me)
5. Children of my own
6. Family that lives close to me
7. Skills in the kitchen.
7. Skills in the kitchen.
seven things that make you angry.
1. People who are not authentic or fake with each other
2. My moms death
3. My brother, my sister in law, and my niece live too far away
4. People who dont care about other people
5. Murder
6. Mental Illness and how it affects the people I love
7. CANCER, it sucks!
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seven things that you neglect to do.
1. Sometimes I forget my house chores (sorry roomates, I will try to do better.)
2. Call my friends as often as I should
3. Eat breakfast.
4. Exercise (okay, ever)
5. Write music as much as I want to
6. Read
7. Blog
seven worldly material desires.
1. A new car
2. An Ipad (I traded mine in and I miss it alot)
3. A Brand New Bed
4. Money so I never have to worry about anything material again.
5. My own house that is fully furnished with everything.
6. My Own Keyboard
7. I cant think of a number 7.
seven guilty pleasures.
1. GLEE
2. Chocolate Anything
3. Ice cream.
4. Reading (Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and many other books as well.)
5. Pop of almost any kind (especially Cherry Coke and Root Beer)
6. Eating Out
7. Facebook.
seven things you love about love.
1. Seeing someone in a way that noone else does
2. laughing together
3. Being best friends.
4. Knowing things about them that noone else knows.
5. Caring about someone in a deep and meaningful way.
6. Knowing that someone loves you unconditionally
7. Relying on each other no matter what.
THIS was fun! You should all do it too. I am thankful for the things God has given me in life. and for those things I dont have. Im thankful that God has shown me that HE is enough.
Choose Joy
So its November. Thanksgiving time to be exact. Now, for those of you who know me at all, you know that November has become a very difficult time for me. Its my "dark month" if you will. It all actually starts in October. October is a time of great loss for many of my friends and family members. And October is the month when I got the call last year that I would be loosing my mom to her battle with Cancer, just 10 days later, on November 8th, I lost her on this Earth. Now, I know that I have hope of seeing her again someday. I know that she had GREAT FAITH and that she lived her life for God. I know that she left an incredible legacy, but all of that doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone. I cant pick up the phone and call her on the days when Im hurting, I cant laugh with her at the funny things. I cant come home for the holidays and enjoy her food and help her decorate. It doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone! and I miss her.
I pride myself in being very bubbly and happy most of the time. But the past few weeks, I have lost that Becky in the memory of my mom. I havent felt happy. I havent wanted to feel happy. I have found myself going into this dark place of anger and bitterness and somehow, in a weird way, finding solace there. I know its not what my mom would want. I know deep down its not what I want. But its where Im finding myself if Im truly honest with you.
A few weeks ago my friends started talking about tattoos and how they wanted one. I didnt say much during the conversation, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that maybe I want one. Maybe getting one to remind me of my moms great Philosophy, maybe that would help carry on her legacy. You see my mom was one of the most caring people I know. My mom faced so much in her short life. But she was always strong. Always faithful. and Always thinking of others before herself. My mom loved people. And my mom always chose to have joy even in the midst of great trial. Its what I keep reminding myself of daily, "Choose Joy". You see, its because Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, its something that is fleeting and its something that we cant fully rely on. But Joy. With Joy there is MORE. Its a confidience, a choice, a life that we choose to live. Its like in Daniel 3 when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, as they faced the furnace they were about to be thrown in. Those men Chose Joy. They looked the King in the eyes and said, "We know our God will save us, but EVEN IF he doesnt, he is STILL OUR GOD!" You see, Choosing Joy is just like this. Its saying, I dont feel happy at all right now. I dont feel like celebrating at all right now. But I choose to remember that God is still God. That God has a plan here. I choose to remember that I have many blessings in my life, even though my mom is not her physically.
So today, at the end of this blog post, I would like to share some of my favorite memories with her. and I want to count the blessings I have in my life.
Thanksgiving was my moms favorite holiday. She HATED the fact that Christmas was always over commercialized and that Thanksgiving got over looked. She LOVED to take the time to be thankful for what God had given her.
Thanksgiving was a very special day in our house. It started early in the morning, We would wake up to the smell of my moms delicious Egg Bake Casserole and Cinnamon Rolls. She even made us fresh orange juice!
During Breakfast, we would watch the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on Television. Now let me tell you a secret. NOONE else in our house likes the Parade, but its my FAVORITE, so my family chose to put their time aside and watch it with me :) and they even pretended to enjoy it! They watched from beginning to end with me, even my favorite part, all of the people from Broadway performing before the parade.
My mom would sneak away during the second half of the parade to wash dishes and begin cooking our meal for the day. and as he got older, my brother started cooking with her. They made some of the BEST meals in the world. My mom made the most delicious Butterhorn Rolls ever. And if you had a chance to taste them, you know Im not exaggerating. She would make turkey, corn casserole, potato casserole, green bean casserole, and even oysters, for my daddy, even though the rest of us hated them. :)
My adopted grandparents lived in the basement of our duplex and so when lunch was made and the parade was over we would take the food downstairs to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Lindsay. Grandpa would always say, "This is the day that the Lord has made" as we walked into the house and we always finished by saying, "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". We would then sit down at the table. We were to go around the table and share one thing we were thankful for that year. Then we all prayed together. After lunch, we helped clean up and then mom and dad visited with Grandma and Grandpa. and THIS was my brother and my favorite part of the day.
Because it was just upstairs, my mom let us go upstairs on our own to watch Home Alone. We could quote most of the movie to you. But we loved to laugh together and watch the movie together. It was our time of bonding. When that was done, my mom had desert for us. Pumpkin Pie for me, Pecan Pie for my brother, and Mince Meat Pie for my daddy.
We ended the day with getting out the Christmas Decorations. and preparing to put them up the next day. and then we would pile in the car to go see what Christmas lights had already been put up. My brother didnt like this part of the day and usually fell asleep on my shoulder in the backseat during this time. But I wouldnt trade those moments for anything.
You see, when you build such big traditions, loosing them is hard. It makes celebrating difficult. Suddenly you dont want to, I dont want to create new memories, because I liked the ones we already had :( I miss my mom. I miss my brother. But this year, I promise to be here for my daddy and make sure that he is NOT alone.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I am blessed!
I pride myself in being very bubbly and happy most of the time. But the past few weeks, I have lost that Becky in the memory of my mom. I havent felt happy. I havent wanted to feel happy. I have found myself going into this dark place of anger and bitterness and somehow, in a weird way, finding solace there. I know its not what my mom would want. I know deep down its not what I want. But its where Im finding myself if Im truly honest with you.
A few weeks ago my friends started talking about tattoos and how they wanted one. I didnt say much during the conversation, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that maybe I want one. Maybe getting one to remind me of my moms great Philosophy, maybe that would help carry on her legacy. You see my mom was one of the most caring people I know. My mom faced so much in her short life. But she was always strong. Always faithful. and Always thinking of others before herself. My mom loved people. And my mom always chose to have joy even in the midst of great trial. Its what I keep reminding myself of daily, "Choose Joy". You see, its because Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, its something that is fleeting and its something that we cant fully rely on. But Joy. With Joy there is MORE. Its a confidience, a choice, a life that we choose to live. Its like in Daniel 3 when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, as they faced the furnace they were about to be thrown in. Those men Chose Joy. They looked the King in the eyes and said, "We know our God will save us, but EVEN IF he doesnt, he is STILL OUR GOD!" You see, Choosing Joy is just like this. Its saying, I dont feel happy at all right now. I dont feel like celebrating at all right now. But I choose to remember that God is still God. That God has a plan here. I choose to remember that I have many blessings in my life, even though my mom is not her physically.
So today, at the end of this blog post, I would like to share some of my favorite memories with her. and I want to count the blessings I have in my life.
Thanksgiving was my moms favorite holiday. She HATED the fact that Christmas was always over commercialized and that Thanksgiving got over looked. She LOVED to take the time to be thankful for what God had given her.
Thanksgiving was a very special day in our house. It started early in the morning, We would wake up to the smell of my moms delicious Egg Bake Casserole and Cinnamon Rolls. She even made us fresh orange juice!
During Breakfast, we would watch the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on Television. Now let me tell you a secret. NOONE else in our house likes the Parade, but its my FAVORITE, so my family chose to put their time aside and watch it with me :) and they even pretended to enjoy it! They watched from beginning to end with me, even my favorite part, all of the people from Broadway performing before the parade.
My mom would sneak away during the second half of the parade to wash dishes and begin cooking our meal for the day. and as he got older, my brother started cooking with her. They made some of the BEST meals in the world. My mom made the most delicious Butterhorn Rolls ever. And if you had a chance to taste them, you know Im not exaggerating. She would make turkey, corn casserole, potato casserole, green bean casserole, and even oysters, for my daddy, even though the rest of us hated them. :)
My adopted grandparents lived in the basement of our duplex and so when lunch was made and the parade was over we would take the food downstairs to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Lindsay. Grandpa would always say, "This is the day that the Lord has made" as we walked into the house and we always finished by saying, "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". We would then sit down at the table. We were to go around the table and share one thing we were thankful for that year. Then we all prayed together. After lunch, we helped clean up and then mom and dad visited with Grandma and Grandpa. and THIS was my brother and my favorite part of the day.
Because it was just upstairs, my mom let us go upstairs on our own to watch Home Alone. We could quote most of the movie to you. But we loved to laugh together and watch the movie together. It was our time of bonding. When that was done, my mom had desert for us. Pumpkin Pie for me, Pecan Pie for my brother, and Mince Meat Pie for my daddy.
We ended the day with getting out the Christmas Decorations. and preparing to put them up the next day. and then we would pile in the car to go see what Christmas lights had already been put up. My brother didnt like this part of the day and usually fell asleep on my shoulder in the backseat during this time. But I wouldnt trade those moments for anything.
You see, when you build such big traditions, loosing them is hard. It makes celebrating difficult. Suddenly you dont want to, I dont want to create new memories, because I liked the ones we already had :( I miss my mom. I miss my brother. But this year, I promise to be here for my daddy and make sure that he is NOT alone.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I am blessed!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Build Your Kingdom Here!!
So lately, and I use the term lately to mean, in the past 3 days, I have had some VERY RARE down time and actually forced myself to be an introvert for a few days! I spent time in my house. I cleaned, I did laundry, I read, I watched movies and T.V. and I thought! I thought about a lot of things. I prayed about a lot of things too. and let me tell you, in these moments, GOD HAS MET WITH ME! Both in big ways and in small.
I shared in my last post that God was really beginning to help me root out some bitterness and anger in my life, things that I have been holding on to for FAR TOO LONG! And since camp, he has just continued with this theme. But in a VERY BEAUTIFUL and refreshing way! I have thoroughly been enjoying these moments I get to have with him. and yet, as I do, I have been facing great conviction as well. A greater sense, as if I didnt already have one, of the calling God has placed on my life to be in ministry! But of the calling he has placed on each of our lives.
I have been reading book after book, about the church, the calling God has for us. How he wants us to live, act, and be. And I have been scouring my Bible as we read in the different Bible Studies I am in. and I cant help but feel that I, along with others, have been missing it! I mean one of the biggest themes I see over and over again that God calls us to is this idea of Community. Acts 2 is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible, now of course, I am going to encourage you, as I have been learning, read it in context. But I LOVE the picture of community here. These people were in one anothers lives. They broke bread together, they spent time together, They really CARED for one another. Its the very essence of what God wants for each and every one of us! He wants us to be his followers, his disciples. He wants so much more for us than what we have been living.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and we were talking about the idea of Restoration. This is another theme that God has placed very strongly on my heart right now actually. Its something he has been doing in my life personally and something I am longing for him to do in the hearts of those around me. There is a beauty in restoration. This idea that once we were against one another, once we were at ought, and now, because of the grace and love of God we have freedom and we can love one another and live in peace, it AMAZES me! In fact, this friend I was talking to, was one of those people! She and I have just recently come out of a time of deep hurt and pain. We were not in a good place with one another for several months. And when we finally admitted it, when we finally "LET GO" and just gave it all to God, wow!!! The freedom I experienced. The pure joy I have when I talk to her now, its incredible, and it only happened because of the GRACE and LOVE of Jesus.
We as Christians are called to this. We are called to sometimes be honest with one another, confronting one another in love. THIS is something that is REALLY HARD for my people pleasing heart. I dont want to ever confront someone and tell them that they hurt me or upset me, because then I risk hurting or upsetting them. and it becomes a vicious cycle. One Im quite frankly, TIRED of living in! So, God has called me to begin doing this. Its a challenge, Im not fully there yet friends, not even close to be honest! But Im trying. and in the moments I have, I experience GREAT freedom! You see, it hurts my heart to see my friends, but especially those that call ourselves the "body of Christ", to treat one another in the ways that we have been. We talk about one another behind our backs. We pretend to really like someone to their face and then trash them as soon as they leave the room. Or even worse, we treat people like garbage. We make them feel left out, excluded, like somehow what we have to offer in the body of Christ is SO MUCH BETTER than ANYTHING they possibly could offer. It just makes me sick! and it makes me sick friends, because I AM GUILTY OF IT TOO!!!
I remember my first year as a camp counselor. I had spent years of my life feeling that I wasnt good enough. Feeling too fat, too ugly, or that people would not accept me. But something happened, my first year as a counselor, kids loved me! I was their favorite. We had fun. and I was on the top of the World! Not only did I get to be a leader. Not only did I get to do a job I loved, but these kids loved me. At one camp, and remember, I was only 18 years old, "the cool kids" were the group that loved me the most. So I began to spend time with them, more than the other kids. and you know what, I missed out on a chance to counsel. You see, somehow, I got caught up in all of the "hype" and I allowed myself to be one of the "cool kids", letting go of all those feelings of rejection that I had once felt, and embracing this new sense of acceptance, it was a GREAT feeling at first, but you see I realized something, I was hurting another group of kids and rather than show love and compassion to some kids who really needed it, I actually became part of the group, in a very unintentional way, but I was part of making them feel outcast or shunned. WOW! What a humbling place to be. I had to ask for forgiveness, I had to check my heart. and I had to put Jesus first, back where he belonged. and I had to remind myself of what I once felt, and what I so desperately longed for and needed. This acceptance I was now feeling, THEY deserved to feel that too! My brother wrote a song once, and part of the lyrics simply say, "How quickly we forget, that we have been there too". and its so true. How quickly we forget that we too have been down the same road as others, and that God wants us to travel this road together.
You see, God has been calling me to be loving and accepting of those around me. He has been calling me to live a life for Christ. In every facet of my life. He has been calling me to complain less. To be less critical. And in those moments, when I find myself slipping into it, well, I pull myself out. I remind myself of the God that loves me so much. Of the CRAZY AMOUNT of things he has done for me! I am blessed, and through that, I want to bless others. I dont claim to have it all together. But I am going to claim to live for Christ!
You see, lately, I have been realizing how much of a "helper" I like to be. I want to help others as much as I can in life. Part of this is because my mom did it so much for me. Part of it is because I experience great joy in knowing that my helping someone else gives them a glimpse of the love God has for them. and part of it is because I remember how much it means to me when OTHERS help me. and I want to do the same for them. I have been told by so many of my friends, "But Becky, thats not your job" or "Becky, you dont HAVE to do that". and you know what, they are right. But there is something that takes joy in my heart to know that I CHOSE to help. That I CHOSE to give love when it wasnt always easy. Its what God calls us to do. as my friend said today, "Becky, God calls to help even those jerks". and its true, he does! To care for, help them, and love them, no matter how many times they hurt or annoy us! We are called to help them! It IS my job! Because God has called me to it!
a few years ago my brother wrote a song, it was right after our friend Trevor had passed away. Trevor lived an AMAZING live for Christ. In EVERYTHING he said and did. He died very suddenly in a car accident. and when he died, people knew he had lived his life in the right way. and people knew that he was in heaven. and he had made an impact on the World around him. Bryan and Trevor LOVED the Chronicles of Narnia books. and there is a rat named "Reapacheap" in the series of books. One of the best characters. Reapcheap has gone through great battle and he is coming to the end of his life. They are on a ship and he is going to die. and his last request is this, "when I die, please let them know, my face pointed toward Bright Warm Shores". THIS is where Aslan was. His point was that he wanted people to know that when he died, his face was pointing to Aslan, his life was lived for the service of HIS king! Bryan wrote this song knowing that Trevors face pointed toward Jesus when he died. He had lived his life, exactly the way that God calls us to.
There is a song that has been really popular lately, as a worship leader, I have had the chance to sing it alot and I LOVE the words. They simply state, "Build Your Kingdom Here, let the darkness fear, show your mighty hand, heal our streets and lands, set your church on fire, win this nation back, change the atmosphere, build your kingdom here, we pray!"
This is my prayer today. I want to be a place where God can build his Kingdom. I want to change the atmosphere of the World around me, in a way that brings them closer to the heart of God. Let me be a part of that change God! Build Your Kingdom Here!!!!!
I shared in my last post that God was really beginning to help me root out some bitterness and anger in my life, things that I have been holding on to for FAR TOO LONG! And since camp, he has just continued with this theme. But in a VERY BEAUTIFUL and refreshing way! I have thoroughly been enjoying these moments I get to have with him. and yet, as I do, I have been facing great conviction as well. A greater sense, as if I didnt already have one, of the calling God has placed on my life to be in ministry! But of the calling he has placed on each of our lives.
I have been reading book after book, about the church, the calling God has for us. How he wants us to live, act, and be. And I have been scouring my Bible as we read in the different Bible Studies I am in. and I cant help but feel that I, along with others, have been missing it! I mean one of the biggest themes I see over and over again that God calls us to is this idea of Community. Acts 2 is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible, now of course, I am going to encourage you, as I have been learning, read it in context. But I LOVE the picture of community here. These people were in one anothers lives. They broke bread together, they spent time together, They really CARED for one another. Its the very essence of what God wants for each and every one of us! He wants us to be his followers, his disciples. He wants so much more for us than what we have been living.
I was talking to one of my friends the other day and we were talking about the idea of Restoration. This is another theme that God has placed very strongly on my heart right now actually. Its something he has been doing in my life personally and something I am longing for him to do in the hearts of those around me. There is a beauty in restoration. This idea that once we were against one another, once we were at ought, and now, because of the grace and love of God we have freedom and we can love one another and live in peace, it AMAZES me! In fact, this friend I was talking to, was one of those people! She and I have just recently come out of a time of deep hurt and pain. We were not in a good place with one another for several months. And when we finally admitted it, when we finally "LET GO" and just gave it all to God, wow!!! The freedom I experienced. The pure joy I have when I talk to her now, its incredible, and it only happened because of the GRACE and LOVE of Jesus.
We as Christians are called to this. We are called to sometimes be honest with one another, confronting one another in love. THIS is something that is REALLY HARD for my people pleasing heart. I dont want to ever confront someone and tell them that they hurt me or upset me, because then I risk hurting or upsetting them. and it becomes a vicious cycle. One Im quite frankly, TIRED of living in! So, God has called me to begin doing this. Its a challenge, Im not fully there yet friends, not even close to be honest! But Im trying. and in the moments I have, I experience GREAT freedom! You see, it hurts my heart to see my friends, but especially those that call ourselves the "body of Christ", to treat one another in the ways that we have been. We talk about one another behind our backs. We pretend to really like someone to their face and then trash them as soon as they leave the room. Or even worse, we treat people like garbage. We make them feel left out, excluded, like somehow what we have to offer in the body of Christ is SO MUCH BETTER than ANYTHING they possibly could offer. It just makes me sick! and it makes me sick friends, because I AM GUILTY OF IT TOO!!!
I remember my first year as a camp counselor. I had spent years of my life feeling that I wasnt good enough. Feeling too fat, too ugly, or that people would not accept me. But something happened, my first year as a counselor, kids loved me! I was their favorite. We had fun. and I was on the top of the World! Not only did I get to be a leader. Not only did I get to do a job I loved, but these kids loved me. At one camp, and remember, I was only 18 years old, "the cool kids" were the group that loved me the most. So I began to spend time with them, more than the other kids. and you know what, I missed out on a chance to counsel. You see, somehow, I got caught up in all of the "hype" and I allowed myself to be one of the "cool kids", letting go of all those feelings of rejection that I had once felt, and embracing this new sense of acceptance, it was a GREAT feeling at first, but you see I realized something, I was hurting another group of kids and rather than show love and compassion to some kids who really needed it, I actually became part of the group, in a very unintentional way, but I was part of making them feel outcast or shunned. WOW! What a humbling place to be. I had to ask for forgiveness, I had to check my heart. and I had to put Jesus first, back where he belonged. and I had to remind myself of what I once felt, and what I so desperately longed for and needed. This acceptance I was now feeling, THEY deserved to feel that too! My brother wrote a song once, and part of the lyrics simply say, "How quickly we forget, that we have been there too". and its so true. How quickly we forget that we too have been down the same road as others, and that God wants us to travel this road together.
You see, God has been calling me to be loving and accepting of those around me. He has been calling me to live a life for Christ. In every facet of my life. He has been calling me to complain less. To be less critical. And in those moments, when I find myself slipping into it, well, I pull myself out. I remind myself of the God that loves me so much. Of the CRAZY AMOUNT of things he has done for me! I am blessed, and through that, I want to bless others. I dont claim to have it all together. But I am going to claim to live for Christ!
You see, lately, I have been realizing how much of a "helper" I like to be. I want to help others as much as I can in life. Part of this is because my mom did it so much for me. Part of it is because I experience great joy in knowing that my helping someone else gives them a glimpse of the love God has for them. and part of it is because I remember how much it means to me when OTHERS help me. and I want to do the same for them. I have been told by so many of my friends, "But Becky, thats not your job" or "Becky, you dont HAVE to do that". and you know what, they are right. But there is something that takes joy in my heart to know that I CHOSE to help. That I CHOSE to give love when it wasnt always easy. Its what God calls us to do. as my friend said today, "Becky, God calls to help even those jerks". and its true, he does! To care for, help them, and love them, no matter how many times they hurt or annoy us! We are called to help them! It IS my job! Because God has called me to it!
a few years ago my brother wrote a song, it was right after our friend Trevor had passed away. Trevor lived an AMAZING live for Christ. In EVERYTHING he said and did. He died very suddenly in a car accident. and when he died, people knew he had lived his life in the right way. and people knew that he was in heaven. and he had made an impact on the World around him. Bryan and Trevor LOVED the Chronicles of Narnia books. and there is a rat named "Reapacheap" in the series of books. One of the best characters. Reapcheap has gone through great battle and he is coming to the end of his life. They are on a ship and he is going to die. and his last request is this, "when I die, please let them know, my face pointed toward Bright Warm Shores". THIS is where Aslan was. His point was that he wanted people to know that when he died, his face was pointing to Aslan, his life was lived for the service of HIS king! Bryan wrote this song knowing that Trevors face pointed toward Jesus when he died. He had lived his life, exactly the way that God calls us to.
There is a song that has been really popular lately, as a worship leader, I have had the chance to sing it alot and I LOVE the words. They simply state, "Build Your Kingdom Here, let the darkness fear, show your mighty hand, heal our streets and lands, set your church on fire, win this nation back, change the atmosphere, build your kingdom here, we pray!"
This is my prayer today. I want to be a place where God can build his Kingdom. I want to change the atmosphere of the World around me, in a way that brings them closer to the heart of God. Let me be a part of that change God! Build Your Kingdom Here!!!!!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Break Every Chain......Stop Justifying Your Junk!
So I just got back from my last camp of the summer. I LOVE camp ministry! Honestly, going to camp is one of my favorite parts of the year! I love the people I meet, I love what God can do when we give him a week of our lives and devote it solely to the purpose of getting to know him more and growing in community with fellow believers! But every year I am impressed that no matter what capacity of leadership I go into camp with, God always challenges me just as much, and sometimes MORE than the people around me. THAT was no different this year.
I have gone through alot in the past year. I lost my mom to cancer, I lost my house, I lost my job, I even lost my family in the sense that I moved up to MN, My brother Bolivia and my daddy had to stay in Iowa. So its been a year of God ripping things away from me, or at least that is how it felt. So I went into the camp season this summer with a VERY BITTER heart. I didn't realize how bitter until I began to really seek the heart of God this week. You see, my mom passed in November and I don't know if her death coupled with the other crappy things is what did it, but I have become a VERY cynical person over the past few months. I question everything, I am bitter about life, and I just plain am NOT the happy go lucky Becky that I used to be. I guess you could say, I kind of lost myself. But this week at camp, I believe I have begun to find myself again! Or rather, to find the "me" that God wants me to be. That sounds SUPER CHEESY, but its what God is doing, so I am going to try to stand firm in it!
You see, I guess I had just tried to find someway to hide what I was really feeling, I guess you could say I found a way to deal with the pain of loosing my mom, by hiding or masking it in this horrible cynicism. and to be honest, I didnt really like that person either. So God began to tear that away, he began to reveal to me how beautifully and wonderfully he has created me and how I just need to let that shine through. More than I have been lately. God has given me a gift of leadership, he has given me a chance to counsel and love on people, God is God and I am so thankful that I get the chance to be loved by the God of the universe. I take it for granted so many times. In fact, instead of being cynical, I should be happy and grateful for life. For the things God has given me, both the GOOD and the TOUGH things.
God also challenged me to think alot about who I am. My essential identity. and within that, he challenged me to think about relationships in life. I have never actually had a boyfriend in my life. In fact, I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. Now many of you are just thinking right now, "what a pathetic loser". I know, I know. But you know what? Every one of those choices was completely and totally intentional. You see, I want my future husband to get ALL of me. Now, understand, I have given pieces of my heart to boys before, I have had PLENTY of crushes, I have flirted alot, and I have had many conversations of getting to know boys more. BUT, every single time, I guard my heart. I dont want to get hurt. and I most certainly do not want to do anything that could potentially hurt my future husband either.
But heres the thing, as I begin to think about what that might look like for me in the future, I become scared. I have never been in a relationship before. I have lived my life being very independent, so the idea of letting a man protect me, provide for me, care for me, well, dont get me wrong, it sounds incredible, but I honestly just dont know how that looks. I mean, I can do things for myself, but in a relationship, I should let my partner do things to care for me. And, I should do things for him! this part i have no problem with, in fact, I would love nothing more than to be able to do things for my future husband and care for him. And then theres the whole, "now I have to answer to someone else and not just me" piece of this thing. Which again, can be VERY FUN just alot different. And what if, as I let my guard down, he decides he doesnt like what he sees? What if I am gorgeous to him on the inside and he LOVES my personality, but he doesnt like whats on the outside? so many things. and these walls had to be broken down too and I had to allow God in to repaint the rooms, strip them of many crappy things. and hopefully things will continue to get better.
I am grateful for this week. For the changes God has made in me. For the person he is molding me into. and for the amazing ministry he allowed me to lead this week!
I have gone through alot in the past year. I lost my mom to cancer, I lost my house, I lost my job, I even lost my family in the sense that I moved up to MN, My brother Bolivia and my daddy had to stay in Iowa. So its been a year of God ripping things away from me, or at least that is how it felt. So I went into the camp season this summer with a VERY BITTER heart. I didn't realize how bitter until I began to really seek the heart of God this week. You see, my mom passed in November and I don't know if her death coupled with the other crappy things is what did it, but I have become a VERY cynical person over the past few months. I question everything, I am bitter about life, and I just plain am NOT the happy go lucky Becky that I used to be. I guess you could say, I kind of lost myself. But this week at camp, I believe I have begun to find myself again! Or rather, to find the "me" that God wants me to be. That sounds SUPER CHEESY, but its what God is doing, so I am going to try to stand firm in it!
You see, I guess I had just tried to find someway to hide what I was really feeling, I guess you could say I found a way to deal with the pain of loosing my mom, by hiding or masking it in this horrible cynicism. and to be honest, I didnt really like that person either. So God began to tear that away, he began to reveal to me how beautifully and wonderfully he has created me and how I just need to let that shine through. More than I have been lately. God has given me a gift of leadership, he has given me a chance to counsel and love on people, God is God and I am so thankful that I get the chance to be loved by the God of the universe. I take it for granted so many times. In fact, instead of being cynical, I should be happy and grateful for life. For the things God has given me, both the GOOD and the TOUGH things.
God also challenged me to think alot about who I am. My essential identity. and within that, he challenged me to think about relationships in life. I have never actually had a boyfriend in my life. In fact, I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. Now many of you are just thinking right now, "what a pathetic loser". I know, I know. But you know what? Every one of those choices was completely and totally intentional. You see, I want my future husband to get ALL of me. Now, understand, I have given pieces of my heart to boys before, I have had PLENTY of crushes, I have flirted alot, and I have had many conversations of getting to know boys more. BUT, every single time, I guard my heart. I dont want to get hurt. and I most certainly do not want to do anything that could potentially hurt my future husband either.
But heres the thing, as I begin to think about what that might look like for me in the future, I become scared. I have never been in a relationship before. I have lived my life being very independent, so the idea of letting a man protect me, provide for me, care for me, well, dont get me wrong, it sounds incredible, but I honestly just dont know how that looks. I mean, I can do things for myself, but in a relationship, I should let my partner do things to care for me. And, I should do things for him! this part i have no problem with, in fact, I would love nothing more than to be able to do things for my future husband and care for him. And then theres the whole, "now I have to answer to someone else and not just me" piece of this thing. Which again, can be VERY FUN just alot different. And what if, as I let my guard down, he decides he doesnt like what he sees? What if I am gorgeous to him on the inside and he LOVES my personality, but he doesnt like whats on the outside? so many things. and these walls had to be broken down too and I had to allow God in to repaint the rooms, strip them of many crappy things. and hopefully things will continue to get better.
I am grateful for this week. For the changes God has made in me. For the person he is molding me into. and for the amazing ministry he allowed me to lead this week!
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