Build Your Kingdom Here!!

So lately, and I use the term lately to mean, in the past 3 days, I have had some VERY RARE down time and actually forced myself to be an introvert for a few days! I spent time in my house. I cleaned, I did laundry, I read, I watched movies and T.V. and I thought! I thought about a lot of things. I prayed about a lot of things too. and let me tell you, in these moments, GOD HAS MET WITH ME! Both in big ways and in small.

I shared in my last post that God was really beginning to help me root out some bitterness and anger in my life, things that I have been holding on to for FAR TOO LONG! And since camp, he has just continued with this theme. But in a VERY BEAUTIFUL and refreshing way! I have thoroughly been enjoying these moments I get to have with him. and yet, as I do, I have been facing great conviction as well. A greater sense, as if I didnt already have one, of the calling God has placed on my life to be in ministry! But of the calling he has placed on each of our lives.

I have been reading book after book, about the church, the calling God has for us. How he wants us to live, act, and be. And I have been scouring my Bible as we read in the different Bible Studies I am in. and I cant help but feel that I, along with others, have been missing it! I mean one of the biggest themes I see over and over again that God calls us to is this idea of Community. Acts 2 is one of my favorite chapters of the Bible, now of course, I am going to encourage you, as I have been learning, read it in context. But I LOVE the picture of community here. These people were in one anothers lives. They broke bread together, they spent time together, They really CARED for one another. Its the very essence of what God wants for each and every one of us! He wants us to be his followers, his disciples. He wants so much more for us than what we have been living.

I was talking to one of my friends the other day and we were talking about the idea of Restoration. This is another theme that God has placed very strongly on my heart right now actually. Its something he has been doing in my life personally and something I am longing for him to do in the hearts of those around me. There is a beauty in restoration. This idea that once we were against one another, once we were at ought, and now, because of the grace and love of God we have freedom and we can love one another and live in peace, it AMAZES me! In fact, this friend I was talking to, was one of those people! She and I have just recently come out of a time of deep hurt and pain. We were not in a good place with one another for several months. And when we finally admitted it, when we finally "LET GO" and just gave it all to God, wow!!! The freedom I experienced. The pure joy I have when I talk to her now, its incredible, and it only happened because of the GRACE and LOVE of Jesus.

We as Christians are called to this. We are called to sometimes be honest with one another, confronting one another in love. THIS is something that is REALLY HARD for my people pleasing heart. I dont want to ever confront someone and tell them that they hurt me or upset me, because then I risk hurting or upsetting them. and it becomes a vicious cycle. One Im quite frankly, TIRED of living in! So, God has called me to begin doing this. Its a challenge, Im not fully there yet friends, not even close to be honest! But Im trying. and in the moments I have, I experience GREAT freedom! You see, it hurts my heart to see my friends, but especially those that call ourselves the "body of Christ", to treat one another in the ways that we have been. We talk about one another behind our backs. We pretend to really like someone to their face and then trash them as soon as they leave the room. Or even worse, we treat people like garbage. We make them feel left out, excluded, like somehow what we have to offer in the body of Christ is SO MUCH BETTER than ANYTHING they possibly could offer. It just makes me sick! and it makes me sick friends, because I AM GUILTY OF IT TOO!!!

I remember my first year as a camp counselor. I had spent years of my life feeling that I wasnt good enough. Feeling too fat, too ugly, or that people would not accept me. But something happened, my first year as a counselor, kids loved me! I was their favorite. We had fun. and I was on the top of the World! Not only did I get to be a leader. Not only did I get to do a job I loved, but these kids loved me. At one camp, and remember, I was only 18 years old, "the cool kids" were the group that loved me the most. So I began to spend time with them, more than the other kids. and you know what, I missed out on a chance to counsel. You see, somehow, I got caught up in all of the "hype" and I allowed myself to be one of the "cool kids", letting go of all those feelings of rejection that I had once felt, and embracing this new sense of acceptance, it was a GREAT feeling at first, but you see I realized something, I was hurting another group of kids and rather than show love and compassion to some kids who really needed it, I actually became part of the group, in a very unintentional way, but I was part of making them feel outcast or shunned. WOW! What a humbling place to be. I had to ask for forgiveness, I had to check my heart. and I had to put Jesus first, back where he belonged. and I had to remind myself of what I once felt, and what I so desperately longed for and needed. This acceptance I was now feeling, THEY deserved to feel that too! My brother wrote a song once, and part of the lyrics simply say, "How quickly we forget, that we have been there too". and its so true. How quickly we forget that we too have been down the same road as others, and that God wants us to travel this road together.

You see, God has been calling me to be loving and accepting of those around me. He has been calling me to live a life for Christ. In every facet of my life. He has been calling me to complain less. To be less critical. And in those moments, when I find myself slipping into it, well, I pull myself out. I remind myself of the God that loves me so much. Of the CRAZY AMOUNT of things he has done for me! I am blessed, and through that, I want to bless others. I dont claim to have it all together. But I am going to claim to live for Christ!

You see, lately, I have been realizing how much of a "helper" I like to be. I want to help others as much as I can in life. Part of this is because my mom did it so much for me. Part of it is because I experience great joy in knowing that my helping someone else gives them a glimpse of the love God has for them. and part of it is because I remember how much it means to me when OTHERS help me. and I want to do the same for them. I have been told by so many of my friends, "But Becky, thats not your job" or "Becky, you dont HAVE to do that". and you know what, they are right. But there is something that takes joy in my heart to know that I CHOSE to help. That I CHOSE to give love when it wasnt always easy. Its what God calls us to do. as my friend said today, "Becky, God calls to help even those jerks". and its true, he does! To care for, help them, and love them, no matter how many times they hurt or annoy us! We are called to help them! It IS my job! Because God has called me to it!

a few years ago my brother wrote a song, it was right after our friend Trevor had passed away. Trevor lived an AMAZING live for Christ. In EVERYTHING he said and did. He died very suddenly in a car accident. and when he died, people knew he had lived his life in the right way. and people knew that he was in heaven. and he had made an impact on the World around him. Bryan and Trevor LOVED the Chronicles of Narnia books. and there is a rat named "Reapacheap" in the series of books. One of the best characters. Reapcheap has gone through great battle and he is coming to the end of his life. They are on a ship and he is going to die. and his last request is this, "when I die, please let them know, my face pointed toward Bright Warm Shores". THIS is where Aslan was. His point was that he wanted people to know that when he died, his face was pointing to Aslan, his life was lived for the service of HIS king! Bryan wrote this song knowing that Trevors face pointed toward Jesus when he died. He had lived his life, exactly the way that God calls us to.

There is a song that has been really popular lately, as a worship leader, I have had the chance to sing it alot and I LOVE the words. They simply state, "Build Your Kingdom Here, let the darkness fear, show your mighty hand, heal our streets and lands, set your church on fire, win this nation back, change the atmosphere, build your kingdom here, we pray!"

This is my prayer today. I want to be a place where God can build his Kingdom. I want to change the atmosphere of the World around me, in a way that brings them closer to the heart of God. Let me be a part of that change God! Build Your Kingdom Here!!!!!

Break Every Chain......Stop Justifying Your Junk!

So I just got back from my last camp of the summer. I LOVE camp ministry! Honestly, going to camp is one of my favorite parts of the year! I love the people I meet, I love what God can do when we give him a week of our lives and devote it solely to the purpose of getting to know him more and growing in community with fellow believers! But every year I am impressed that no matter what capacity of leadership I go into camp with, God always challenges me just as much, and sometimes MORE than the people around me. THAT was no different this year.

I have gone through alot in the past year. I lost my mom to cancer, I lost my house, I lost my job, I even lost my family in the sense that I moved up to MN, My brother Bolivia and my daddy had to stay in Iowa. So its been a year of God ripping things away from me, or at least that is how it felt. So I went into the camp season this summer with a VERY BITTER heart. I didn't realize how bitter until I began to really seek the heart of God this week. You see, my mom passed in November and I don't know if her death coupled with the other crappy things is what did it, but I have become a VERY cynical person over the past few months. I question everything, I am bitter about life, and I just plain am NOT the happy go lucky Becky that I used to be. I guess you could say, I kind of lost myself. But this week at camp, I believe I have begun to find myself again! Or rather, to find the "me" that God wants me to be. That sounds SUPER CHEESY, but its what God is doing, so I am going to try to stand firm in it!

You see, I guess I had just tried to find someway to hide what I was really feeling, I guess you could say I found a way to deal with the pain of loosing my mom, by hiding or masking it in this horrible cynicism. and to be honest, I didnt really like that person either. So God began to tear that away, he began to reveal to me how beautifully and wonderfully  he has created me and how I just need to let that shine through. More than I have been lately. God has given me a gift of leadership, he has given me a chance to counsel and love on people, God is God and I am so thankful that I get the chance to be loved by the God of the universe. I take it for granted so many times. In fact, instead of being cynical, I should be happy and grateful for life. For the things God has given me, both the GOOD and the TOUGH things.

God also challenged me to think alot about who I am. My essential identity. and within that, he challenged me to think about relationships in life. I have never actually had a boyfriend in my life. In fact, I have never been on a date, never been kissed, never even held hands with a guy. Now many of you are just thinking right now, "what a pathetic loser". I know, I know. But you know what? Every one of those choices was completely and totally intentional. You see, I want my future husband to get ALL of me. Now, understand, I have given pieces of my heart to boys before, I have had PLENTY of crushes, I have flirted alot, and I have had many conversations of getting to know boys more. BUT, every single time, I guard my heart. I dont want to get hurt. and I most certainly do not want to do anything that could potentially hurt my future husband either.

But heres the thing, as I begin to think about what that might look like for me in the future, I become scared. I have never been in a relationship before. I have lived my life being very independent, so the idea of letting a man protect me, provide for me, care for me, well, dont get me wrong, it sounds incredible, but I honestly just dont know how that looks. I mean, I can do things for myself, but in a relationship, I should let my partner do things to care for me. And, I should do things for him! this part i have no problem with, in fact, I would love nothing more than to be able to do things for my future husband and care for him. And then theres the whole, "now I have to answer to someone else and not just me" piece of this thing. Which again, can be VERY FUN just alot different. And what if, as I let my guard down, he decides he doesnt like what he sees? What if I am gorgeous to him on the inside and he LOVES my personality, but he doesnt like whats on the outside? so many things. and these walls had to be broken down too and I had to allow God in to repaint the rooms, strip them of many crappy things. and hopefully things will continue to get better.

I am grateful for this week. For the changes God has made in me. For the person he is molding me into. and for the amazing ministry he allowed me to lead this week!

Transition, Identity Crisis, I LOVE MINISTRY!

Most of you reading this are people who know me, or at least, that is going be my guess :) and if you dont, welcome, how are you? My name is Becky and I am happy to let you in to a little piece of the craziness that I call life. This being said, I am going to take you on a little journey today, its the journey that God has been leading me through this past year, and I believe that he has taught me some very valuable lessons and I have some great things to offer. You may get to the end of this blog and completely disagree with me, but I DONT CARE! They are MY lessons and Im proud of them :)

Let me just take you to the beginning of this journey, it was almost a year ago, in about 3 weeks, I will reach the year mark. I was at Red Rock Camp, again I know that most of you know me, but for those who dont, Red Rock is a camp that I work at every summer, counseling, planning games, singing and leading worship, and this past year I got to take on a new role as the Youth Speaker. and THIS is where it all began. One week before camp, I was sitting in our living room in the house that my daddy and I shared. I had moved home to help him out while my mom was in a nursing home, THATS a whole different story. But as I was sitting in his living room, my friend Cassi from camp called, she is also the Dean of the whole youth program. She was in a panic, I could hear it in her voice, she asked me to pray and then proceeded to tell me what was going on. The Youth Speaker had called and said he couldnt make it this year due to some family issues. One week before camp, and she had noone to speak to the youth. In that moment, without hesitation, I heard God speak to my heart, "Becky, tell her you will do it!" We had a quick little arguement, "God, are you crazy? I know I have done this a few times before to my youth groups and I love youth and I love speaking in front of people...." and then I stopped, "Oh, so you are saying that this would be a perfect opportunity for you to do a lot of things you love then, Becky?" And so, I told Cassi I would do it. I sat down and for the next week, I wrote messages. Messages that God just spoke to my heart. I was getting more and more excited everyday!

And then it came time for camp. I was still VERY EXCITED! But, as sometimes happens, a horrible cirrcumstance came to our family. I used to blame Satan when these things happenened, and for all I know it could have been him. But it put a wrench in things for me. My mom was diagnosed with Meningitis and was VERY SICK! She was in the hospital, they were giving her IVS and trying to get her better. But I was faced with a difficult decision. Do I cancel out on Cassi now too and stay home with my mom or do I put her in Gods hands and trust that she will be okay? God and I talked for a couple days. and he led me to go to camp. He promised me that my mom would be okay and he would take care of her. And so, I made the 7 hour drive, by myself, crying and praying the whole way. But you know what, she WAS okay, and God DID take care of her, Im not sure why I expected any less. And it was a lesson in stepping out in faith for me, which, as I am learning, I was going to need to courage to do later on.

So as the week went on, I spoke and God used me. God did some INCREDIBLE things while we were at camp. and I got to spend alot of time with my friends. On Friday Night is when this "life changing conversation" took place. I was sitting and talking with 2 of my very close friends and I began to cry. I began to share my  heart with them, that God was just leading me to pray for some people who were important to me. and as I prayed, God began to pour over me. He began to pour over all of us. In that moment, God called me to leave Iowa, move up to Minnesota and begin doing ministry at CROSSROADS Church. Now I am here to tell you right now, saying yes was not an easy thing for me. And in that night, in that moment, I didnt say yes. I said, "But my mom is sick, but my dad needs me, but I dont have any family in Minnesota, but Iowa is all I have ever known and this is scary" I said alot more buts and what ifs too. But God just continued to gently nudge me and speak to me. And so, I finally made a couple visits, checked out what ministry would look like here and KNEW that it definetly was and IS where God wanted me to be. So I packed up my stuff, and moved on up. And it has been a journey ever since!

I feel that for the past few years my life has just been a series of transitions. I moved to Sumner Iowa in 2010 to be a youth pastor and shortly there after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, became very ill and after a few months, I just couldnt bear to watch my dad go through it alone anymore, so I packed up and moved back home to help him while she battled this horrible disease. We spent alot of time together as a family. I got to have some precious moments with my daddy and mommy and I wouldnt trade them for the world. After this transition, it was me making the big move to MN and since I have moved here, its been a TON of transitions while I try to find my place and become settled. I lived with someone who graciously opened up her home to me, a woman from the church, whom I had never met before. And while she was very kind to me, it just didnt feel like home, so another woman offered me a place to live, right after my mother had passed away. I thought this would be a good move and so I moved in with her and her two beautiful boys. Again, it was just "not the right fit". I knew God was trying to teach me something, but I wasnt sure what, and to be honest, I was really tired of packing up all my stuff and moving! And then, as if a beautiful gift from God, I was offered the chance to live in a home with other young adults. I have a beautiful house that a couple has opened up and they along with 2 other wonderful Christian people, share a home with me. It is fantastic, amazing, and a serious God send, I have no doubt in my mind! I cant even begin to say how greatful and thankful I am that God moved and led me to live here. So THIS was the first part of transition, that for now, seems to have finally come to and end, and I may be settled for a while, until Gods ready to uproot me again :)

But then theres my job. I was working a preschool in the church. Many things happened, details that I dont need to go into on this blog, but suffice it to say that this too was a transition God was going to lead me through. I was offered a higher paying job with more flexible hours and after much prayer and consulting with friends, I chose to take it. Well, it was seemingly going quite well. Every school I went to loved me, and wanted me back. But still, while I was finding great security in this job, God was about to make me realize, the only thing I can find my security in is HIM! Last Friday, after cirrcumstances that were out of my control, my position was terminated. No chance to talk about it, no questions asked, just terminated. Now before you go jumping to any conclusions. There were no accusations made, I did nothing wrong, they just decided that because I was unable to take an assignment, they would terminate my position. I was, of course, devastated and completely shaken up! THIS was a transition I was NOT ready for and a VERY SCARY place in life to be. But, I know God is beside me and he is going to lead me through this too. I will keep you posted as it unfolds :)

THIS is where my talk of Identity Crisis comes in. I began to realize that I was putting all my identity, all my hope and trust in my job, in my home, in EVERYTHING ELSE but God! A friend of mine said to me not that long ago, "Becky, I think you are having an identity crisis" and at first, I got super angry with him, until I realized, maybe he was right. Maybe I was having an identity crisis. I mean if I asked myself the question, "Who Am I?" Im not sure I could have given you an answer. But the more I thought and the more I searched, I realized this is exactly the place that God wanted me to be in. I needed to be seeking my identity, because, as I was seeking, I finally found it, it was in HIM!

I have been given a great support system in my life as I go through these terrible moments, they are there for me. And one friend said to me the other day, "Becky, who you are didnt change the day you were let go from your job, that was never your identity anyway" I had to think about that. "Who I am didnt change", because you see here I was going through a great crisis in feeling like it did change, like everyone was going to be disappointed in me, look at me differently, maybe even HATE me or disown me" and you know what, THEY DIDNT! But even if they did, GOD didnt and wouldnt. I am a child that is loved by him and THAT is where my identity must rest, in HIM! Another friend said to me, "Becky, you are strong, you see others would let these things knock them down, but instead YOU are trying to find God, you are trying to learn from and grow from this, THAT shows true character" and I guess, as I think about that, it reveals part of my identity too. That I know I must be seeking God in each step of this journey.

I love ministry because of the AMAZING community it has given me. To know that I am not alone. To know that others have gone and are going through the same things I am right now. And to know we can lean on one another, what a gift! and to think about this too. My friend said to me the other day, "Becky, you are made for ministry, I can see it everytime I look at you, because even in the midst of great pain and trial, you are still ministering to others despite your own needs". That meant something, I have been holding on to that. " I am MADE for MINISTRY" I love that thought!

So now, as I close this incredibly long blog. I thank you for going along on this journey with me. I am going to invite you to continue on as well. I will share more stories, more thoughts, more scripture. I was thinking this week about David, how he was a man after Gods own heart, but he too wrestled and went through great transition. You see, its where God calls us to be. To make our relationship with him REAL and not just something that we talk about our pretend, but we are called to REAL moments with him, moments that call us to grow deeper in him each day!

So what is YOUR moment today?

May, you can seriously take a flying leap or you can crawl in a hole and die! Im done with you!

Okay, I realize that my title may sound just a little bit harsh. Maybe even mean. But its just how I feel right now. I have not kept up with my blog at all, so I will recap just a little bit for starters. So for those of you who dont know, my mom passed away from cancer in November, actually November 8 to be exact. It has been one of the HARDEST things I have EVER had to deal with in my life, other than her diagnosis of cancer in the first place and then watching her suffer through it. Friends, CANCER SUCKS! And I dont care who knows it! It just plain does!

What I have also learned is that grief is a very difficult thing and noone else can fully understand your pain or how you feel it or deal with it. May has been a VERY HARD month for grief. Most of it I knew going in and actually expected. You see May is a Milestone month for the Canny family, especially for "Mama Canny". My parents anniversary is in May, Mothers Day is in May and my moms birthday is in May. We always teased my mom that she just tried to make the whole month about her. But the truth is, I wouldnt have it any other way. My mom deserved more than just a month, she deserved a whole lifetime of praise and gratitude for who she was and what she did!!

But as I faced this month, each milestone got harder. My parents anniversary, I cried most of that day on and off. I had the AMAZING priviledge to call them Mom and Dad. But also the incredible joy to watch a true love story unfold. Future husband, know that I have GREAT expectations, and you have alot to live up to! I watched my parents handle financial struggles and they did it together. I watched them handle my moms bipolar and my dad was ALWAYS by my moms side, not even waivering for a moment. I remember a doctor telling him once that he was amazed that my mom still had him by her side, because most cases, loved ones have given up and they have left by now. My dad never dreamed of doing that. He loved my mom for better or worse, until death they did part. He sat by her for hours in psychiatric wards as they regulated her medicine. He paced for days and my mom was missing. He sat by her for hours as she underwent cancer treatments and many other painful things that she never deserved to have to go through. And he was faithful. I thought about how faithful my mom was to my dad as he was laid off from his jobs over the years. Through many of my dads health struggles, she was right there beside him. and I wept. The love they had for one another is a love that I cant even do justice to in explaining right now in my blog.

After this, I got to go home to Iowa for 8 days!! The best 8 days of my year. I got to see my brother and sister in law and I got to meet my new baby niece :) SUCH A GREAT TIME! But it meant another milestone. My brother was a daddy now, and my mom never got to hold that baby. My mom was already an amazing honorary grandma to several kids in our lives, and she LOVED it! But you know what, this was her chance to be a REAL grandma, and she didnt get to do it. As I held my niece close one day and looked at my little brother, we both began to cry. Our mom should be here for this and shes not! and its just NOT FAIR!

Then came Mothers Day. and let me tell you, it was one of the hardest days since my mom died. I wept and bawled most of the day. I missed her. I was reminded how much of a blessing she was in my life. How I hope that I am even HALF the woman that she was. How I didnt deserve to call her mom for even a second, but that I would not trade that for the World. I reminiced on memories of her and how amazing she was. and I cried. Cancer sucks! Cancer took her from me, FAR TOO SOON! And I know she is in a better place now. I know that she is healed and sitting at the feet of Jesus. And for her I am so happy. But I mourn her presence here with me. Mothers Day was always hard for my mom because Cancer took her mom, my grandma, too. I remember Mother/Daughter banquets where I would just sit with her while she cried, telling me how much she loved me and was greatful to have me, but how much she missed her own mom. I remember singing duets with her at Mother Daughter banquets and how much we LOVED that. And now I understand. I feel what she was feeling. I feel the pain of her missing her mom. Because I miss my mom too!

This past week was my moms birthday. I again was said because we didnt get to celebrate another year of her life on this Earth, because she is gone now. But once again, pulled myself up and praised God for the years that we DID get to spend with her. and the hope of eternity that one day again we will too! And then there is today. Its Memorial Day, one of my moms favorite holidays. People always meant so much to my mom. She had the BIGGEST heart of anyone I ever knew in my life. This was a day that she took to be greatful for those in her life. We travelled to the graves of her loved ones and my dads loved ones. We laid flowers on them. She would tell us stories about them. and we spent the day as a family, together. As a kid, I HATED this day. Who wants to drive to a bunch of Cemetaries, right? But now, Id give anything to be in the car with her right now putting the flowers that she had carefully picked out, on each of her loved ones graves. Id give anything to hear stories about them. To hear her laugh as she reminiced, to see her tears as she remembered, and to just sit and cry with her. I remember her today.

And yet, in my life lately, I am learning that emotions are a gift. That the things we feel are a HUGE gift! God created us to feel pain, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to have joy. I am VERY THANKFUL for all that God has done. I am thankful for the mom he gave me. And, as much as I sounded angry at the beginning of this blog, I am even thankful for you, month of May. I am thankful for the reminders of good moments past. of memories, of joy, of what once was. So, THANK YOU MAY! THANK YOU! I remember you Mommy, forever and always.

my mom died, a little grace please.

So, as I shared with you in my last post, my mom passed away. Actually today is the one month marker. Just one month ago today I was sitting in a room, her clinging to life, and holding her hand one last time. I remember singing to her that morning. My brother and I sat by her bed and we sang hymns in perfect harmony while he played guitar. She looked so helpless, so lifeless, so NOT MY MOM! But holding her soft hands, Id give anything for just one more moment of that. To see her beautiful brown eyes, to touch her beautiful face, kiss her forehead, I miss her more and more each day. Its funny, I thought that the more time went by, this would get easier. But Im learning that its just beginning for me.

Im a counselor by nature. I LOVE my friends and my family with a very deep love. Its just always been that way for me, my mom always told me it was the curse of the giant heart, and the great thing is, she had it too! So I get to carry that on in her honor. I love helping people. I love listening to their problems, hearing how they are feeling, trying to understand what they are going through and then helping them to work through it. I love being the shoulder to cry on. I love offering advice. Most of all, I love seeing someone who is broken, hurting, and sad, find healing and comfort in the arms of Christ and if I am the one that gets to lead them there, DOUBLE BLESSING!

However, being a counselor has been a curse for me at this time of my life. My mom just died. I mean, thats a big deal!!! One of my very good friends called me the other day to check on me and see how I was doing with all of this. and he said words to me that I will never forget, "Becky, you just experienced one of the biggest losses you will ever have in your life, your journey with all this has just begun." One of the BIGGEST losses. How true that is. I have lost a few friends along the journey of life and it rocked me, it hurt me to my core. I have seen friends loose family members, ones whom I also cared for deeply, and it broke my heart. But THIS, this is a road Ive never been down and honestly, I have no idea how to navigate! Its like my GPS broke, I lost my map, and I dont even have a compass, IM SCREWED!!

Being the person that always helps others is just who I am. I dont like to let people in to my life, the big or small details. Not because Im scared of them knowing, okay so a little bit because Im scared, but more because I just dont want the focus to ever be on ME. Its not about me and I just want people to know that I care about them far more than I care about myself. Because I truly do. If I feel like I have hurt someone or someone is mad at me, IT DEVESTATES ME. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function until relationship is restored. I just cant stand for anyone not to like me or for anyone to be upset with me in anyway. Im also a person who diagnoses alot :) I will look at people, children in my classroom, friends, coworkers, people in the church, and I will begin to try to understand their lives, understand where they are coming from, whats their story, what makes them tick and if they are hurting, why are they hurting. If they have issues, what do those issues stem from? Its just who I am. I do it to myself as well. Rather than truly feeling somethings, I begin to analyze why I might be feeling them.

Yesterday was a "bad grief day" as I call them. I was sad, I was irritable, I just wasnt feeling like me. Things were hitting me left and right and I was trying to live true Becky style and take it all in, hold it all together, and act like I was fine. I teach preschool, I work with kiddos, sometimes you just have to fake it. But I just couldnt hold it in anymore. I was reading a book about snow and I began to cry. My mom LOVED snowmen, it was one of her many collections, and after a few other events of the day, it was just too much. My kiddos hugged me, let me know that they loved me, and we went on with the day and kept playing. BUT inside, I began to beat myself up. How could I have fallen apart? How could I let them see my cry? My kiddos and my coworkers. How could I let this happen? I began to analyze why. Was it the conversation I had with my boss that morning about a little girl who is only 10 years old and is dying of cancer? And after seeing the crap my mom had to go through, seeing others suffer, I couldnt bear to think of a small child going through that crap? Was it talking to the parent of a 4 year old child in our care, whos mom is in the hospital dying of cancer right now? Who was just given a feeding tube. Who was going through THE SAME CRAP my mom had just gone through? Was it the fact that I knew that tomorrow would be the month marker and it was hitting me harder than I expected? Was it just that I was exhausted after a very full week of work and ministry? OR, was it just all of those things piling on at once? You see, rather than just feeling it, I was trying to understand why I was feeling it, and then with all my might, NOT FEEL IT ANYMORE.

You see, Im known for being a pretty easy going, happy go lucky girl :) If youre reading this, you probably know that about me. So I have trouble expressing other emotions. Not because I dont feel other things, just because I DONT cry infront of people if I can help it at all. I DONT let people see me upset if I can help it at all. Its just not something I do, I dont want people to feel bad for me. I dont want people to feel like they have to take care of me. Its not their job. I want to take care of them.I dont want to be a burden to anyone. I dont want to make anyone sad. I dont want anyone to have to listen to me and my problems, because I know that they are going through their own problems as well and they dont deserve to have to listen to mine. So yesterday was horrible. But it was also horrible, because its the curse of being the one that everyone else always goes to. Noone accepts it when you ARENT happy.

People just always expect me to be happy and carefree and when Im not, they dont know what to do. I have some amazing people in my life who I know love and care for me deeply and if I was living in any other community, besides the one Im in right now, things would not be the same. I NEED the people that are in my life right now. And they have been great. Its not their fault at all, its just that when you always try to hide your emotions, when you never let anyone see it when you are upset, its a pretty big deal at the times when it does show, when you just cant hold it in any longer. My friend Meggan tells me that when I cry it breaks her heart because I just look like a lost little child whos heart has been broken. Honestly, thats exactly how I felt yesterday too. Im lost. My heart is broken. and I am just a child, trying to get through this life without a mom. I feel like I need grace from people and they have offered it. I need to know that it is okay for me to not always be happy. I need to know that it is okay for me to ask for advice sometimes. I need to know that it is okay for me to need people in my life. I need to know that it is okay for me to be sad. I need to know that its okay for me to be mad. I just need to know that it is okay for me to be me. Im not really quick to let the true me show. I am pretty guarded, but once you are in, YOU ARE IN! And then youre stuck with me. The good, the bad, the really cruddy. Im very thankful for that grace that has been offered to me as I navagate this really horrible road!

But most of all, the person I need grace from more than any other, is ME. I need to remind myself that its okay to cry. That its okay to get mad. That its okay to be confused. That its okay to ask questions and try to make sense of this. That its okay for me to not be okay some days. That its okay for me to ask for help once in a while. That its okay for me to need someone to listen to me for a change. That its okay for me to not have it all together 24/7. And that its even okay for me to fall apart sometimes, because that is part of being in the body of Christ. Helping one another. God is teaching me that just as I am blessed everytime someone comes to me for advice, everytime I get to help someone with their problems, that he wants to bless others as well. That he wants others to have the chance to be blessed by helping me. By listening to me. By loving me. By caring for me. By supporting me.

So thats what I am feeling today. I MISS MY MOM! Im pissed that I have to live the rest of my life here on earth without her. I dont understand for a minute why God had to allow her to suffer and then die. Im sad because Im never going to see her again this side of heaven. Im sad because there are just those moments in life where you need your mom and Im never going to have that again. Im sad because she gave me so much in life and I worry that I didnt give her much. Im confused because I dont know all the answers. Im hurt because theres not always people who understand what Im feeling or going through. I feel alone sometimes on this road. My brothers is in Bolivia, my dad is in Iowa. and while I LOVE MINNESOTA and all of my friends here, I feel alone on this journey and that sucks.

But I also feel incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. I feel that my faith has been strengthened as I see how God has revealed himself in new ways through this. I feel loved and cared for by many people. and I feel supported very deeply. My friends and family mean everything to me and Im so blessed to have all of you in my life ;)

Im learning. I dont have it all together, all the time, and that is more than okay, its actually quite normal. As normal as I am going to be :)

In his grace

Becky

What a whirlwind!!!

So, I looked back today and realized my last blog was before moving to MN! That is true representation of my life in the new state! I am so busy in ministry, blogging has had to take a back burner. So I should start by saying, HELLO FRIENDS!! How's life?!?

In MN, for those of you who don't keep up with my Facebook :) I teach preschool at Foursquare, a daycare housed in the church I intern at, Crossroads Church in Lakeville, MN. I love my family there and my kiddos too :) I also work with the youth and am a worship intern. Suffice it to say, IM BUSY ALL THE TIME!!!! And I love it :)

So that's my life or was until 3 weeks ago. Many of you know my mothers been sick for quite a while now. Depression, cancer, infections, meningitis, MRSA, these past 3 years, you name the physical ailment and she probably had it or a form of it!! Well, you also knowing that moving to MN and away from her was a HUGE step for me to take! I missed her, I felt guilty and was pissed at all she had to go through! But I did it, being reminded she was in Gods hands and he could do far more than I ever could for her! So I left! Shortly after, she began to decline. She got MRSA and it went into her bone causing the removal of her big toe. After this surgery, at the end of September, she just wasn't getting better. She was in the hospital but not recovering. By the middle to end of October, October 29 to be exact, her kidneys stopped working. She was sent to an ICU in Des Monies at Mercy Medical Center to determine why. After a ct scan and some other tests, it was determined her cancer was back and in full force. She had tumors in her kidneys, abdomen, and pelvic area, cutting off all use of her kidneys. A doctor called me in the middle of class one day to tell me there was nothing they could do and I should head back to iowa immediately. I hugged my kids and coworkers, shoved stuff into my car and drove the longest 4 hour drive ever!!

The next 10 days were a blur! Getting my brother and his pregnant wife home from Bolivia, making decisions to keep mom comfortable and then spending her last 2 days in hospice with her. I promise you, no one can ever prepare you to watch someone you love so deeply die! She seemed very peaceful on the Thursday when she passed. And we have a hope of knowing where she is now! No more suffering!!!! She's in Jesus arms, dancing with him and singing :)  but it's a HUGE void for us! I miss her so much! Today is thanksgiving and honestly, IT SUCKS!!!! This was her favorite day of the year and we don't get her anymore. And that hurts! I mean for her, I'm so happy! She deserves to not suffer anymore, but this pain I'm feeling is so real. And seeing my dad experience it is just AWFUL! And yet beautiful as I'm daily reminded of what true live looks like.

My life is drastically different now! I'll live on her legacy. I'll carry on with life but there's a HUGE void where she once was and that can't be replaced! I love you mom and I miss you so much!!!

What is my life about?

So lately, as I take these steps into the new journey that God is leading me on, I just cant help but be excited!! I am about to embark into new territory, something I have never done before. Its INCREDIBLY frightening to me and at the same time, AMAZINGLY EXCITING!! But as I take these new steps, I have begun to examine my own life as well. You see, one thing I am learning is that as I take these new steps, I must know who I am, know what I believe, and know it very firmly, because THAT is what I will have to stand on in this life!

I feel in some ways that I have not really lived my life yet :) Oh sure, I have had plenty of experiences. I have been out of the country on a Missions Trip, I have been to New York City twice and been to over half of the states in the US travelling and sharing Christ with others, I have lived on my own, I went to college and had alot of great experiences there, I have counseled at 30 different camps and sang on numerous stages. I have had a life! But, I have never really lived it and made a choice for ME!

You see, I love that God has given me the heart that he has, I wouldn't have it any other way. Other people mean the World to me and I want to do everything I can to help them to care for them to be there for them. But in that, sometimes I feel guilty when I want to make choices for myself. When I want to make choices that I know will benefit me, sometimes I just dont want to do it, because it might affect others or hurt them. Like this move, people will be hurt when I move, so a part of me says, "should I just stay?" But then others will be hurt if I dont move. Friends, in case you dont know me to well yet, welcome to the analytically challenging brain of Becky Canny. I just always want to make sure that the choices I make will make everyone else happy and that everyone else will be cared for. HOWEVER, God has been giving me the challenge lately that its okay for me to make a choice for myself once in a while. and that just as much as I want to see others be happy and cared for, HE wants that for me. and not only that, but as as I said in my blog yesterday, OTHERS want that for me too. SO, I AM MOVING TO THE CITIES!!!!  For ministry opportunities, and so that I can have amazing friendships in my life and accountability. I can go to Bible Studies and Small Groups, I can enjoy life!!

This past year has been both challenging and rewarding for me. Challenging in the fact that I never knew how hard it would be to care for my own parents. The people who have taken care of me all of my life, and I know I have shared this in other blogs, but I just cant stress enough how hard and difficult that really can be! My parents are some of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life and I dont know why in the World God chose to bless me with them, but a blessing is exactly what they have been! Our life has not always been easy, believe me, but I have always known that at the heart of their lives, CHRIST was in the center! and it challenged me to live my life that way as well. THAT is the rewarding part of this year and caring for them, the chance to see that I get to give back to them just a tiny piece of what they have given to me!! The year has been challenging because I went through some pretty difficult times. I am not going to share all of those here, but suffice it to say that it was quite a lonely year for me and I had to do some serious soul searching!

In this year, it has been a HUGE year of self examination. I am going to be blunt here and tell you that this past year, with my mom going through cancer and the horrible things that it brings with it, I really had to figure out my walk of faith with Christ and it has been quite the journey. I am finally learning what it means when Christ asks us to come to him as broken people. I came to him a very broken person this past year and have had a lot of things to work through. At the beginning of all of this, I had questions of if I even still believed. I was bitter and hurt and angry. I asked myself how a God who loves us so much could allow us to go through all this pain. My mother, who has done her best to serve Christ throughout her whole life, has been suffering from illness for most of our growing up years, with depression and horrible arthritis, and NOW she has to have cancer. WHAT DID SHE POSSIBLY DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?  And I had to begin to search. I needed to understand who God is. I needed to understand what faith really was and how I was supposed to practice it in my life. I needed to make my faith my own. Not just something I have believed my whole life, not just something that has been my identity for years, but when I stand before Christ, I need to know who he is and I need to know who I am in him!

A couple years ago, a really good friend of my brothers was killed in a car accident after a night of revival at our college. I knew of Trevor and we had talked a few times, and I had seen his heart for God. He lived it out daily. When he died, it rocked all of us. The next night of revival, the speaker got up to talk to us and try to help us process through it. He had a cup in his hand, and he started talking to us about this HUGE lake that is beautiful, how he wanted all of us to experience it. And then he began to share. He asked us if he were to take that cup and scoop up some water from lake and bring it back to us, would we have experienced the lake? Well of course we all said no. And then he shared, that this is the same with God. Here on this Earth, we only get to experience a VERY SMALL part of God! AND EVEN THAT IS MORE THAN WE DESERVE OR CAN IMAGINE! So the reality is, we cant fully understand all of God and who he is this side of heaven, but if we are in his word and we are seeking him daily, there are pieces of him that we can know and he wants to care for us and embrace us! Its just an incredible thing to think about!

You see here is the lesson I have learned over the past year. In our walk with Christ, it is often times at these points of questioning that we get to the real heart of Christ, it challenges us to really find him and when we do, THAT is what faith is all about. I have been a Christian since I was 5 years old, as most of you already know. Living for Jesus is something that has always been very important to me. In fact, when I was 3 years old, I would sometimes stand up in the shopping cart of the grocery store or on the table at Mc Donalds just to sing songs about Jesus so that other people could hear about him. I was in Bible Quizzing, Childrens Choir, AWANA, Caravans, and many other church events. In High School I was on the Youth Praise Team and the Youth Drama Team. I was a leader for our youth group and a host of other things. And most of all, I KNEW what I believed. Going into college it was the same thing. I was very involved and I was learning more about the Bible everyday and felt as though I was growing in my faith. I had a grasp on things. So when college was over and I was ready to be in ministry, I thought I had it all together. BUT I DID NOT! And it has taken me several years to first of all figure that out and second of all to be willing to admit that. Im this person that always wants to have it all together, and admitting that I dont, well that is NOT an easy thing for me to do. But as Christians I think that is the point we need to be at. Because when we realize that its not about us, and that we dont have it all together, THAT is when Christ comes in and we work in his power and in his strength!!!

I feel like a new person now though. I feel like God has begun to truly take over my life. And I am beginning to learn who he really is. And I am beginning to seek and know him more, so that I have the knowledge of him both in my head and in my heart. Seeking his word on a daily basis and finding those answers. What does the Bible say about drinking? and not just what I have been taught or believed about it my whole life, but what does it really say? What does the Bible say about swearing? and how does that affect my everyday living? What does the Bible say about following the plan and will of God and am I doing that? I am excited about where God is taking me. and in all of this have been realizing that I have to get out of where I have been comfortable. God has a plan for me! God has a will for me :) God has a way that he wants to use me.

Heres the thing, in learning more about Christ and following him, we have to get to a point where we realize that NOTHING in this life is about us, its all about HIM and bringing glory and honor to him! But it is also about a God who loves us so much that he wants the best for us. He loves us so much and he has given us gifts and talents that he wants us to use for his glory. I am amazed at the gifts that God has chosen to give me and sometimes I dont feel deserving of them at all. God has given me a gift of working with children and I love doing it too :) God has given me an incredible gift and passion for working with Youth and over and over again has placed those youth in my life who I get the chance to minister to. God has just recently opened my eyes to a passion for Young Adult Ministry and an incredible need for it as well. And then there is Music. I dont know what it is about Music, but I LOVE IT! God has given me this incredible love and passion for music in my life. And over the past 2 years, I have not really used my voice much at all. But at camp this summer and as I seek the future ministry God has for me, my singing has become a HUGE part of what he wants for me. I realize I have not been using my gifts to the full potential that they could be used. I am ready to do that and I am just blessed and honored that God has allowed me to have them. I want to be his humble servant and be used by him in everyway possible!

SO there it is! I want my life to be about Christ. But more than just the name, I want to be changed by him daily! When I read the word, when I seek his face, I want to have  more than just the knowledge in my head, I want to truly be changed by it! Do I know what I believe? I sure am getting there! Do I seek to know more? I hope that I am always seeking to konw more. Have I been changed by God? IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE! I am honored to be called a child of God! and I pray that everyday I will look more like him!