Okay, I realize that my title may sound just a little bit harsh. Maybe even mean. But its just how I feel right now. I have not kept up with my blog at all, so I will recap just a little bit for starters. So for those of you who dont know, my mom passed away from cancer in November, actually November 8 to be exact. It has been one of the HARDEST things I have EVER had to deal with in my life, other than her diagnosis of cancer in the first place and then watching her suffer through it. Friends, CANCER SUCKS! And I dont care who knows it! It just plain does!
What I have also learned is that grief is a very difficult thing and noone else can fully understand your pain or how you feel it or deal with it. May has been a VERY HARD month for grief. Most of it I knew going in and actually expected. You see May is a Milestone month for the Canny family, especially for "Mama Canny". My parents anniversary is in May, Mothers Day is in May and my moms birthday is in May. We always teased my mom that she just tried to make the whole month about her. But the truth is, I wouldnt have it any other way. My mom deserved more than just a month, she deserved a whole lifetime of praise and gratitude for who she was and what she did!!
But as I faced this month, each milestone got harder. My parents anniversary, I cried most of that day on and off. I had the AMAZING priviledge to call them Mom and Dad. But also the incredible joy to watch a true love story unfold. Future husband, know that I have GREAT expectations, and you have alot to live up to! I watched my parents handle financial struggles and they did it together. I watched them handle my moms bipolar and my dad was ALWAYS by my moms side, not even waivering for a moment. I remember a doctor telling him once that he was amazed that my mom still had him by her side, because most cases, loved ones have given up and they have left by now. My dad never dreamed of doing that. He loved my mom for better or worse, until death they did part. He sat by her for hours in psychiatric wards as they regulated her medicine. He paced for days and my mom was missing. He sat by her for hours as she underwent cancer treatments and many other painful things that she never deserved to have to go through. And he was faithful. I thought about how faithful my mom was to my dad as he was laid off from his jobs over the years. Through many of my dads health struggles, she was right there beside him. and I wept. The love they had for one another is a love that I cant even do justice to in explaining right now in my blog.
After this, I got to go home to Iowa for 8 days!! The best 8 days of my year. I got to see my brother and sister in law and I got to meet my new baby niece :) SUCH A GREAT TIME! But it meant another milestone. My brother was a daddy now, and my mom never got to hold that baby. My mom was already an amazing honorary grandma to several kids in our lives, and she LOVED it! But you know what, this was her chance to be a REAL grandma, and she didnt get to do it. As I held my niece close one day and looked at my little brother, we both began to cry. Our mom should be here for this and shes not! and its just NOT FAIR!
Then came Mothers Day. and let me tell you, it was one of the hardest days since my mom died. I wept and bawled most of the day. I missed her. I was reminded how much of a blessing she was in my life. How I hope that I am even HALF the woman that she was. How I didnt deserve to call her mom for even a second, but that I would not trade that for the World. I reminiced on memories of her and how amazing she was. and I cried. Cancer sucks! Cancer took her from me, FAR TOO SOON! And I know she is in a better place now. I know that she is healed and sitting at the feet of Jesus. And for her I am so happy. But I mourn her presence here with me. Mothers Day was always hard for my mom because Cancer took her mom, my grandma, too. I remember Mother/Daughter banquets where I would just sit with her while she cried, telling me how much she loved me and was greatful to have me, but how much she missed her own mom. I remember singing duets with her at Mother Daughter banquets and how much we LOVED that. And now I understand. I feel what she was feeling. I feel the pain of her missing her mom. Because I miss my mom too!
This past week was my moms birthday. I again was said because we didnt get to celebrate another year of her life on this Earth, because she is gone now. But once again, pulled myself up and praised God for the years that we DID get to spend with her. and the hope of eternity that one day again we will too! And then there is today. Its Memorial Day, one of my moms favorite holidays. People always meant so much to my mom. She had the BIGGEST heart of anyone I ever knew in my life. This was a day that she took to be greatful for those in her life. We travelled to the graves of her loved ones and my dads loved ones. We laid flowers on them. She would tell us stories about them. and we spent the day as a family, together. As a kid, I HATED this day. Who wants to drive to a bunch of Cemetaries, right? But now, Id give anything to be in the car with her right now putting the flowers that she had carefully picked out, on each of her loved ones graves. Id give anything to hear stories about them. To hear her laugh as she reminiced, to see her tears as she remembered, and to just sit and cry with her. I remember her today.
And yet, in my life lately, I am learning that emotions are a gift. That the things we feel are a HUGE gift! God created us to feel pain, to cry, to laugh, to mourn, to have joy. I am VERY THANKFUL for all that God has done. I am thankful for the mom he gave me. And, as much as I sounded angry at the beginning of this blog, I am even thankful for you, month of May. I am thankful for the reminders of good moments past. of memories, of joy, of what once was. So, THANK YOU MAY! THANK YOU! I remember you Mommy, forever and always.
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