A New Beginning...

This summer has been one of the most life changing ones I have had in a very long time. I have been searching, longing, and waiting for God to do something incredible in my life, and he has done that and SO MUCH MORE!!! I started off the summer working at Peek A Boo Point Daycare, now let me just say that I did like it there alot. I loved my kiddies, they were adorable and I got along super well with my coworkers, and last but not least, God gave me the job when I needed it! You will see that from previous posts :) But as I had been working there, starting in June, I just really felt like God was stirring me. He was putting something in my heart that said, "Becky, this is not where I want you to be anymore, this is not what I want you to do." So as any good Christian would do, I ignored him, oh wait, thats right, I was being selfish and putting myself first, not like a good Christian would do at all.

Well, Bryan(my brother)and I went to Red Rock Camp in the middle of June. For those of you reading this that dont know me, you need to know 2 very important things, first of all, Bryan is not only my little brother by 2 1/2 years, he is also my best friend. Doing camps together is a blessing that God has given us as siblings. We get the joy of knowing that as a family, we are serving Christ together. Every summer, we go to at least 2 camps and lead worship and counsel. The SECOND thing you need to know is that I LOVE CAMP MINISTRY!! Its one of my favorite places in the world to be.

So, as we were at camp, God began to speak, even more clearly about me quitting my job and following and trusting him. He did some AMAZING things at camp that week. I loved my girls, as I always do and it was just a great time for me. A time of fun and laughter, but more than that, a time of spirtual renewal. When I got home, I knew that God wanted me to quit my job, but I said, "NO"! Have you seen our economy right now? Im thankful I even have a job, I cant loose it now, how will we pay the bills and make ends meet? So I disobeyed, God had blessed and wanted to bless further, and I said no.

About 2 weeks later, it was the first week of Bible School at our church. One of my favorite weeks of the summer as well. I always lead music and it was so much fun. Well, that first night, I was at my computer before it started getting everything ready when a friend got on facebook and shared with me that they really needed me to council at Bethel Camp. Bethel is one of the first camps I ever counseled at and it means ALOT to me. However, I knew that I already had the next week off for Shiloh Camp. I begged and pleaded with God, I did not want to go. I loved Bethel, but 2 weeks of camp in a row? more than that, 2 weeks of no paycheck from work? would my boss even let me? How would we figure it all out? But God was very firm with me. "Becky, YOU ARE GOING TO BETHEL, you already told me no about the job, you will not tell me no again." so...I got a call from our superintendent while we were at Bible School and I said, "yes, I will go, as long as my boss approves it." I went into his office that next morning and my boss said, "if God wants you to go, then you need to go." We sat down and figured it all out and with no problem at all, it was set, I was going to Bethel Camp.

Now let me just say now, I would not trade me week at Bethel for anything in the world. I LOVED it! God moved, I was doing what I was passionate about and most of all, God was using me, the way he intended. I felt the stirring again, "Becky, when you get home, you have to quit your job, I have something else in mind." I wasnt ready to surrender, but I knew I had another week of camp, so I put it off. I piled in the car with my friend Luke and for the weekend went to visit he and his wife to get ready for Shiloh camp which all of us would be going to, Luke, his wife, Ali, one of my BEST friends, and their 2 adorable children. I tried to put off the decision all weekend and just focused on getting homework done before camp and having fun with 2 of my bestfriends.

We got in the car to go to Shiloh and I knew God was going to do something huge that week, I felt him sharing it with me. God did move huge!! He spoke to me the first night and I couldnt hold back any longer, I knew I had to quit my job when I got home. I went to the alter and I balled. I had friends around me praying and I knew what I had to do. I surrendered all of it and God began to bless. That week was great with my girls, with the guy campers, God used me once again. And it was then that he said, " Do you remember the call I gave you, Becky? I called you to work with youth. You have loved these past 2 weeks because you are doing what I have created you to do!" God was speaking and I was finally ready to listen.

I got home, I quit my job, and that SAME DAY, My friend Pam told me about a chance to take a class to substitute teach, but not just anywhere, in MIDDLE AND HIGHSCHOOL, the very age I felt called to work with. The next week we had a meeting at church, one that I knew would be very pivitol in the ministry of our church. I felt God speaking again. He is moving and Im so thankful. I will be heading up a new ministry called, "Life Hurts, God Heals", it is specifically for teenagers and the needs that they have. I will also have a chance to reach out into the community and bring people to Christ by working with our youth.

I have learned so much about the Blessings of Surrender this summer, more than any other. When we give God EVERYTHING, He shows us that he has SO MUCH MORE than we could ever ask or imagine just waiting for us!!

I will write more as he continues to move. I love you all and hope and pray he is moving in your lives as well.

Becky

But what if I fall?

Working at a daycare, I feel like I learn new lessons every day. Kids are people in this world that are just trying to figure it all out. The say things innocently without understanding its full meaning. The play and have fun with kids, and they dont care about color, size, anything, just that they are all friends caring for one another. Sometimes, as they are figuring life out, I see myself in them. I see things that they do and wonder if that is how I figured it all out. and sometimes, I look at them and parallel to my life.

For example, yesterday, there was a little boy that was standing at the top of the firemans pole on the playground. He wanted so badly to slide down it and enjoy the fun, but he was scared, he looked at me and said, " But Becky, what if I fall?" I looked at him and said, show me Evan, show me you can do it and I will be here to help if you need. He didnt need me, in fact, he LOVED the feeling of taking that step. I wonder if this is how life is for me right now. I am so scared in life and while i want freedom and im tired of being scared, I keep saying, " But, God, what if I fall?" and I hear his still small voice saying, 'Becky, you can do it, and if you need me, I will be here', further more I hear him saying, ' there is great blessing I have for you, if you will just take the steps of faith and not worry about falling'.

so, this is what I have done this week, with much prayer and God by my side, I have taken some HUGE steps of faith and there are still more to be taken. I cant wait to see what he continues to do as I trust him and serve him.

But the challenge, as it was for me, is, are you scared of falling? Is that what is keeping you from blessing from God. You keep asking, " but what if I fall?" God is right there, to catch you, to help you, to love you....he is there and he wants to bless you.

We all want to feel something

For the past 3 nights, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I have had the joy and very rare priviledge of having the apartment to myself. Bryan, my brother has had various events to be at and Kelly, a friend of ours that is living with us for the summer has had his own set of events as well. And I welcomed the solitude and silence. I have done homework, I have cleaned and organized my room, and I have taken some much needed time to think and relax. It is very rare lately that I have time to sit in silence and think. Let myself think about those things that I push aside, sometimes things that I have tried NOT to think about. As I have had time alone and time to just sit and chat with God, some amazing things have happened.

None of these things are HUGE revelations and or anything, just good for me to have and go through. One of the things I have been thinking about alot lately is Mr. Right. Now, in one of my previous posts, I talked about a guy who has shown some interest and my fear to move forward or let anything happen, because of the past. Tonight, I decided to put in another chick flick, my third one of the weekend :) Actually, each one has taught me something or made me think, but tonight, I had some major revelations. I know, I know, from a chick flick? But its true.

In 13 going on 30, my ALL TIME FAVORITE chick flick, by the way, Jenna Rink has alot of great lines. As she is introducing her pitch or idea for the magazine, toward the end of the movie, she is thinking back and realizing some of the mistakes shes made, some of the things she has missed out on, and she uses this quote, " We all want to feel something, some of us have just forgotten what its like to feel, or we didnt realize what we were leaving behind". This quote, for some reason, hit me really hard tonight when I was watching the movie.

I guess because, I am in that boat right now. I have not honestly allowed myself to have true feelings for a guy in like 4 years. After college, I decided I had been hurt too many times, and I was not about to let anyone in to hurt me again. So, I quit letting myself have crushes, and if I did have a crush, I did not allow myself to feel anything for them and made the feelings, " go away", so to speak, I just didnt allow myself to think about it or feel anything. If I am being honest, I have really been numb in this area for about 4 years now. I have had my attractions to guys and I have even spoken with them and tried to let them in, but the guard was up and I never did let it down. I have family and friends in my life who are incredible, and I have had great feeling when it comes to them, but beyond those feelings of love, I am a closed door.

I just think I am finally ready to feel again. Ready to have butterflies when I see him. Ready to jump with excitement when he calls me. Ready to look into his eyes and know he sees beauty in me, that maybe I dont even see in myself. Ready to just feel SOMETHING. I have prided myself in waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along and I do not regret that at all, but if the right guy is here now and I am missing it because of fear, then I want that to end.

This guy is like my "perfect guy" or so it seems right now, and I think that is what scares me. He is a youth pastor. He loves music. He is very sensitive. He has great family values. He is great with kids and wants to have some of his own someday. He likes to spend time with me. and he has pursued me, if I would just quit pushing him away. I am not saying, he is the one. I am not even saying we will date. I am just saying, I am ready to feel again and I dont want to miss out on him, because Im scared.

I will continue to think and pray about this. Probably more in my blog later this week :)

dreams DO come true...

Okay....so I was thinking about writing this post several times this week, but I have just not had the time, so i figure while i am sitting and waiting to go on to the next thing tonight, i will take a few minutes and write the post.

i was watching my FAVORITE tv show in the world the other night, One Tree Hill. It is the season finale, and hopefully, there will be a season 7 this fall. That being said, there was alot of drama going on in the episode. Now, I am not going to recap the whole season for you, that is not the purpose of this post, not even a recap of the last episode, just a recap of the feelings I had while watching it :)

The whole show, I kept waiting for something bad to happen. I remember saying to my friend Sarah, there has to be something bad that happens, it cant all just be good and happy endings. Then my brother says, " Becky, it doesnt always have to be bad, just wait and see what happens". and it made me think. I go through life with much the same attitude. Okay, things are going really great, and instead of rejoicing in it and enjoying it, I am just waiting for the bad thing to happen that is inevitably around the corner.

But at the end, they recapped the show, and they said, " Believe that dreams do come true". lots of other things were said to, but this stuck out to me. You see in the episode, Brooke got the guy she had been dreaming of, but she had to put her heart out there, take all the risks and take a step of faith to see what was waiting on the other side and it was something AMAZING. Peyton was told that she could die if she delivered her baby, but she choose to give life to her child and in the end, she, her husband lucas and her baby, Sawyer Brooke, were living a happy life together.

All of these dreams and many more came true for others in the show as well. And as cheesy as it may be, it made me think ALOT. It made me realize that I really do need to start believeing that dreams DO come true. Life doesnt always HAVE to be bad and sometimes, when we least expect it, God is there, ready to make our dreams come true.

Work, Soccer, Pizza Ranch and that silly mix cd ....what a GREAT DAY!!!

So work. Well, I do LOVE my new job. working with babies is so much fun for me. I love feeding them and playing with them, changing them is not so much a LOVE, but I can tolerate it much more than I used to. But I am also learning alot at work. I have some great friendships there now. Friendships I am learning to love and cherish and its great to have that.

After work, it was off to a soccer game for Shiana. Shiana and Allison are going to be in middle school starting next school year and will start being in the new middle school program at church that I get to teach. And I have to say, IM SO EXCITED. These girls are AMAZING. Its nice to be looked upto and loved so much, a huge responsibility at times, but its so much fun too. Tomarrow night is Allies baseball game, and I CANT WAIT TO SURPRISE HER BY SHOWING UP!!!

then it was on to Pizza Ranch with Shiana and Allisons families and my brother and his friend, who is also Shianas older brother. We had a great time. Playing with the bouncy balls, eating delicious food, just fun, fun, fun :)

And then on my way home, I had a mix cd in that I had found the other day. I love listening to it. I have been jamming out to Backstreet Boys, NSync, and Clay Aiken :) And lots of memories come with it as well. Some hard to go through, some that make me laugh, but I have just enjoyed the mix cd, its not working very well now and skips ALOT, but I try to muddle through the great songs :)

Its been a long, and fun day :)

Letting Go...its not so bad!

Last night, my post had a little different flavor. I talked about how scared I have been lately. How scared I have been to take chances and risk being hurt AGAIN!! But today, I decided to make things different. It was a busy day, but it was fun. At 8 am, my mom and dad came over and we went to garage sales, it was ALOT of fun. I love spending quality time with them. My brother, Bryan, had to sing at a wedding, but when he was done, he called us and met up with us and we all went to lunch as a family and then came back to the apartment that my brother and I rent together and spent some time together as a family. It may not sound like much,but it made my day. Just seeing how much my parents love each other after 26 years of being married. and seeing how, even though they both had to wait and met and got married when they were older and had children when they were older, God has blessed our family in ways that I would NEVER change. We have been through some tough times together, but through it all, we have all been in it together. and it made me realize just how great of a person I really am because of my family. I have a big heart, i love singing and i have become the person that I am today, all because of them.

Later today, I got on the computer and had an unexpected note in my facebook inbox. One of the girls I have counseled at camps over the years sent me a very nice message. Now this girl was one of the tough ones, she seemed to hate me at times and was very unkind to me, she has grown up some now and so have I, but still, the note was very refreshing and unexpected. It was simply a note from seeing her last weekend when a bunch of us got together for a walk for Cistic Fibrosis to find a cure for 2 of my favorite kids in the world, Jack and Lanie. In the note, she stated that I looked different. That I seemed happier, that my skin looked amazing and that I looked great. Words of affirmation are HUGE to me, so it made my day, it took me aback, but it made my day. Then tonight, my brother and I went to see some of our friends in One Act Plays and then Smokey Row, a lot of people kept commenting on how cute I looked and how great I looked. I got the chance to sing with Bryan and that led to more people telling me how amazing my voice was. I love singing, because of the gift that God has given me, sometimes I feel highly unworthy of it, but Im thankful for it EVERYDAY.

But all this got me thinking, maybe I do have something offer. Maybe there is something there for someone to love and be attracted to. Maybe I am pretty. Maybe I have talents and abilities that would attract someone to me. Maybe I would be a good girlfriend to someone. Maybe I would make a good wife someday. Maybe I would even make a great mom someday. Maybe I am someone to be proud of.

Still working through it, but Im working on it. Letting Go!

scared...

okay...so this summer, God really blessed me with some words to some incredible songs about the things he has led me through and how he has been with me through them all. One of the songs I wrote is called Letting Go. Here are the words:

Letting Go:

Im standing in this place and Ive been here so many times before
Im holding on to things
Im just so scared to let them go
I dont think I can do this at all.

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
and I cant wait to see the other side.

Ive felt this way for many years
I feel as though Ive shed this tears before
At times I dont know how Ill change
or maybe I will always feel this way

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace, that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
And I cant wait to see the other side.

Im letting go....and I cant wait to see whats on the other side.

I thought about this song today,because lately, my fear has really paralyzed me in some ways that are difficult for me.

I dont like to share about personal things much in my life, but since I know that only my close friends read this blog, or at least I hope that is the case, I am going to share. Not EVERY thing, just some of what has been going on.

Well, I have a fear of putting my heart out there again, I am talking about in relationships with guys. You see, my heart was broken once, and I often feel as though, its easier to just hold on tightly and not put it out there, than to risk it getting broken again. The pain and longing for someone in my life, the one that God has made for me, somehow seems easier to bear than the thought of allowing another person to break my heart and go through the pain again.

Well, these past few weeks, I feel as though God has been trying to get me to let go. First of all in my walk and life with him, to be honest with him and share things with him, and secondly to let go in a certain situation in my life.

I wont go in to great detail, but I will say that God has placed someone in my life that he is asking me to pray about. I have been praying and he has been opening doors, allowing me to see that this person is pursuing me. Tonight, this person invited me to spend sometime with he and some of his friends, I said sure and then went on about my day, he came back 2 or 3 times to confirm that I would come, and as I came home from work and got myself ready to go, I couldnt do it. I made up some excuses and I didnt go. I was scared. I thought, what happens if I go and he is just going to hurt me? The thing is, is that he wasnt mad at me at all. In fact, he was very understanding and instead of spending time with his friends, he spent the rest of the night texting with me, and assuring me that he was not angry with me.

Still, I find myself sitting here, scared. How does this dating thing work? What do I do on a date? How do I act? What do I say? Is there really anything there for him to like? Why would he pursue me? Doesnt he deserve someone better?

You see, my whole life, Ive always been the friend or the bestfriend or the little sister. I have never seen myself as the one that is worthy of being pursued, so now I find myself scared and confused. I want to show interest in someone, I want to put my heart out there again, but I dont want to risk it getting broken again. I want to love someone, I want to get married, I want to have my own children, I want to start a family. But what if Im not a good wife? What if Im a horrible mom? What if Im just not good enough for anyone and Im meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

You see, the "what ifs", they control my life right now. What if I went to hang out with him and his friends and they didnt like me? What if he decided I wasnt good enough? What if I looked really stupid? Im TIRED OF THE WHAT IFS!!! IM TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!! I want to let go!!!

I want some dreams to come true in my life. Im just tired of being SCARED.