We all want to feel something

For the past 3 nights, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I have had the joy and very rare priviledge of having the apartment to myself. Bryan, my brother has had various events to be at and Kelly, a friend of ours that is living with us for the summer has had his own set of events as well. And I welcomed the solitude and silence. I have done homework, I have cleaned and organized my room, and I have taken some much needed time to think and relax. It is very rare lately that I have time to sit in silence and think. Let myself think about those things that I push aside, sometimes things that I have tried NOT to think about. As I have had time alone and time to just sit and chat with God, some amazing things have happened.

None of these things are HUGE revelations and or anything, just good for me to have and go through. One of the things I have been thinking about alot lately is Mr. Right. Now, in one of my previous posts, I talked about a guy who has shown some interest and my fear to move forward or let anything happen, because of the past. Tonight, I decided to put in another chick flick, my third one of the weekend :) Actually, each one has taught me something or made me think, but tonight, I had some major revelations. I know, I know, from a chick flick? But its true.

In 13 going on 30, my ALL TIME FAVORITE chick flick, by the way, Jenna Rink has alot of great lines. As she is introducing her pitch or idea for the magazine, toward the end of the movie, she is thinking back and realizing some of the mistakes shes made, some of the things she has missed out on, and she uses this quote, " We all want to feel something, some of us have just forgotten what its like to feel, or we didnt realize what we were leaving behind". This quote, for some reason, hit me really hard tonight when I was watching the movie.

I guess because, I am in that boat right now. I have not honestly allowed myself to have true feelings for a guy in like 4 years. After college, I decided I had been hurt too many times, and I was not about to let anyone in to hurt me again. So, I quit letting myself have crushes, and if I did have a crush, I did not allow myself to feel anything for them and made the feelings, " go away", so to speak, I just didnt allow myself to think about it or feel anything. If I am being honest, I have really been numb in this area for about 4 years now. I have had my attractions to guys and I have even spoken with them and tried to let them in, but the guard was up and I never did let it down. I have family and friends in my life who are incredible, and I have had great feeling when it comes to them, but beyond those feelings of love, I am a closed door.

I just think I am finally ready to feel again. Ready to have butterflies when I see him. Ready to jump with excitement when he calls me. Ready to look into his eyes and know he sees beauty in me, that maybe I dont even see in myself. Ready to just feel SOMETHING. I have prided myself in waiting my whole life for the right guy to come along and I do not regret that at all, but if the right guy is here now and I am missing it because of fear, then I want that to end.

This guy is like my "perfect guy" or so it seems right now, and I think that is what scares me. He is a youth pastor. He loves music. He is very sensitive. He has great family values. He is great with kids and wants to have some of his own someday. He likes to spend time with me. and he has pursued me, if I would just quit pushing him away. I am not saying, he is the one. I am not even saying we will date. I am just saying, I am ready to feel again and I dont want to miss out on him, because Im scared.

I will continue to think and pray about this. Probably more in my blog later this week :)