scared...

okay...so this summer, God really blessed me with some words to some incredible songs about the things he has led me through and how he has been with me through them all. One of the songs I wrote is called Letting Go. Here are the words:

Letting Go:

Im standing in this place and Ive been here so many times before
Im holding on to things
Im just so scared to let them go
I dont think I can do this at all.

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
and I cant wait to see the other side.

Ive felt this way for many years
I feel as though Ive shed this tears before
At times I dont know how Ill change
or maybe I will always feel this way

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace, that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
And I cant wait to see the other side.

Im letting go....and I cant wait to see whats on the other side.

I thought about this song today,because lately, my fear has really paralyzed me in some ways that are difficult for me.

I dont like to share about personal things much in my life, but since I know that only my close friends read this blog, or at least I hope that is the case, I am going to share. Not EVERY thing, just some of what has been going on.

Well, I have a fear of putting my heart out there again, I am talking about in relationships with guys. You see, my heart was broken once, and I often feel as though, its easier to just hold on tightly and not put it out there, than to risk it getting broken again. The pain and longing for someone in my life, the one that God has made for me, somehow seems easier to bear than the thought of allowing another person to break my heart and go through the pain again.

Well, these past few weeks, I feel as though God has been trying to get me to let go. First of all in my walk and life with him, to be honest with him and share things with him, and secondly to let go in a certain situation in my life.

I wont go in to great detail, but I will say that God has placed someone in my life that he is asking me to pray about. I have been praying and he has been opening doors, allowing me to see that this person is pursuing me. Tonight, this person invited me to spend sometime with he and some of his friends, I said sure and then went on about my day, he came back 2 or 3 times to confirm that I would come, and as I came home from work and got myself ready to go, I couldnt do it. I made up some excuses and I didnt go. I was scared. I thought, what happens if I go and he is just going to hurt me? The thing is, is that he wasnt mad at me at all. In fact, he was very understanding and instead of spending time with his friends, he spent the rest of the night texting with me, and assuring me that he was not angry with me.

Still, I find myself sitting here, scared. How does this dating thing work? What do I do on a date? How do I act? What do I say? Is there really anything there for him to like? Why would he pursue me? Doesnt he deserve someone better?

You see, my whole life, Ive always been the friend or the bestfriend or the little sister. I have never seen myself as the one that is worthy of being pursued, so now I find myself scared and confused. I want to show interest in someone, I want to put my heart out there again, but I dont want to risk it getting broken again. I want to love someone, I want to get married, I want to have my own children, I want to start a family. But what if Im not a good wife? What if Im a horrible mom? What if Im just not good enough for anyone and Im meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

You see, the "what ifs", they control my life right now. What if I went to hang out with him and his friends and they didnt like me? What if he decided I wasnt good enough? What if I looked really stupid? Im TIRED OF THE WHAT IFS!!! IM TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!! I want to let go!!!

I want some dreams to come true in my life. Im just tired of being SCARED.