This past week, I had amazing opportunity to go and work at Royal Family Kids Camp. This was something I was very excited about, many of you who know me well, know that camp is something that I LOVE!!! Since college that is my summer, counseling at camps, working with youth, I just love it!!! My dream job, other than the one I have right of being a full time youth pastor, would be to work as a camp director. Giving children and youth a chance to have a great week of their lives. I would have camps for children with disabilities, children with terminal illnesses, children who are families of those with terminal illnesses, regular camps, and camps like the one I just went to. That would be my dream.
This week, at Royal Family Kids Camp, 100% of the children attending are from abused and neglected homes. And they are all from our state! All from the very areas that we live in every day of our lives, what a mission field, that we sometimes forget is even there! I love these children so much, my heart broke for them as we were working at camp this week. It was alot harder for me than I thought it would be. I guess I kind of went into this camp thinking arrogantly to be honest. Thinking, oh well I have done camps since college, I can handle this and it will be just fine. Boy was I wrong!!! This camp changed my life in ways I never even dreamed it would.
First of all, to sit at night with a little girl and sing her to sleep was just awesome! She had never been sung to sleep before and she just loved it :) and so did I! One night, I had to hold back tears as I thought about how, for Bryan and I, this was an every night occurance, my mom would come into Bryans room first, rub his back and sing and then he would drift off to sleep, then it was my turn, I took much longer, because I loved it so much, I loved to sing with her, it was one my favorite parts of the day and a memory I still treasure to this day, and now, God gave me a chance, even if only for 5 days, to give that memory to this little girl! How awesome is that? She was the sweetest thing too.
I conquored some pretty big fears this week too, I got in the pool 4 times! Which, for me, is a HUGE deal, because I HATE SWIMMING! Mainly, because I dont know how and it just plain scares me! But to see the faces of those girls light up when I got in the pool to swim with them and play with them, it was worth every tear that I shed trying to face the fear. and now, I actually enjoy the pool! and look forward to going back and maybe even learning how to actually swim!!
Another part of camp was truly seeing myself in God eyes, you see, I struggle daily with my self esteem. Partly because of horrible people from my past and mean things they said, I had a GREAT family, I just didnt always have great friends or relationships. People can be cruel, and I feel like it is some kind of sickness that satan uses on me, but I remember almost every mean and hurtful thing that has ever been said to me, as I have shared in past blogs. Getting past that has been hard, but God reminded me that just as he loves these kids and gives them new names and sees them in ways that they cant even imagine, he sees that beauty in me too. Using my gifts this week helped me see that. I got to help with music, sing, make up actions, have fun, and the kids embraced that and it was awesome! I got to see myself through the lens of God, even for just a second, and the beauty I saw was hard for me to accept or believe. How could God really see me that way? How could these kids see me that way? But they did, just as I saw their beauty, they saw mine and we shared in it together. Same with many of the staff, we saw this beauty that we may have never seen in one another before and it was AWESOME! We lived this week the way God intended for us to live and I miss it!
Leaving and coming back was very tough. To hear one child say to his counselor, "please take me home with you, please, if I come and live with you, at least I wont be locked in a closet" to see another child grab handfuls of cookies before he left the church because he didnt know when he would be fed again. To see the faces of these kids as their parents came to get them and they didnt even hug or smile after not seeing their child for a week. To see one mom grab the arm of her child and say lets get going while the child tried to say good bye to her counselor. To see the faces of some of the kids as they went back into their shells as soon as we arrived home, THAT WAS HEARTBREAKING!
These kids deserve to live the life we gave them for a week all year round. They deserve 3 good meals a day, attention from adults, love and care, a bath everyday. I know that I realize how great I had it now. I knew it before, but its just so much more real now. I have memories of my mom bringing treats to school, cookies made speical for each child with their name written on them, singing us to sleep every night, birthday parties at adventureland, happy joes, mc donalds and other fun places, fishing every summer with my dad, playing catch with my daddy and brother every summer. Sledding with them in the winter and then coming back in the house with hot chocolate and cookies that my mom had made. Christmases with lots of presents, movies and an amazing dinner. I could go on and on. and all of this, topped off by saying that EVERYDAY, at least once, if not mulitiple times a day, my mom and dad hugged me and told me they loved me! and so did my brother. (okay, not in high school, we were too cool then) :) But I had all this blessing and I missed it sometimes by wishing I had more.
I am so thankful that out of all I have been given, I was able to give back just a little bit. THat hopefully, through my blessings, I was able to bless some children this week as well! God is good, and he is going to be with those kids even when we cant! But I sure do miss them and wish I could do more!!!!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Prodigal Son
Luke 15:11-32- Most of you know the story of the Prodigal son, in short, a son who had a very good life with his family, decided he wanted more, became greedy and asked his father to give him his inheritance early. The father, being loving, but wanting his son to have free choice, gave him his inheritance, the son went, to a city, in my mind, something like that of Vegas (although Ive never been there, just the name, "sin city") that concept is what comes to my mind. He spends all of his money and is forced to have a job in the pig pen feeding livestock and he barely has enough to live on, he goes back to his fathers farm, asking not for his fathers love, but just to be able to be hired as one of his men, the father takes him in his arms and welcomes him home, he actually ran to his son and held him close.
This is an amazing picture of what God does for us....but let me tell you why Im sharing it, lately I have been facinated with this story. I have always liked it, because it reminds me some what of my brother and I. I, being the older son in this story, which is half accurate, except I am the daughter and I am my daddys little princess :) but I digress.....the point is, these boys are so different, much like Bryan and I.
Allow me to take you to our childhood a little bit, I am 2 and 1/2 years old than Bryan, the day he came home from the hospital, I really was not happy, I was happy being the "only pebble on the beach", as my parents say. I loved the attention and really had no desire to share it. However, about a week in, Bryan became my beloved bestfriend, and I became, what I have lovingly been referred to in my family ever since, "the mother hen". I loved to boss Bryan around, I loved to dress him in my little dresses (sorry to embarrass you Bryan, but you have some stories like this about me too:)), but most of all, I just loved to have talks with him. As we grew up our rooms were right across the hall from each other, and we would often talk to each other late at night about things of the day and we became, as I said, bestfriends....but what reminds me of us in the story of the prodigal son goes far deeper. First, I imagine these brothers being close like Bryan and I were, at least I think it would be nice if that were the case.
But as I said, Bryan and I are also very different people. From the day I was born, I have been very clingy to people, and I have HATED to be alone. I still do. When I was a baby, my mom would rock me and I would fall fast asleep, but the minute she laid me down and left the room, I cried, I hated the idea of being in there alone. When it was time to play, I needed someone to play with toys with me, I didnt want to do it alone. My brother on the other hand, very much a low maintence child. He would take his bottle at night, and let mom hold him for a few minutes, for her satisfaction more than his it would seem, and then he wanted to be left alone, lay him in his crib, leave the room, he needed his alone time. When he got older, he loved playing with his toys alone, he loved to entertian himself and he liked his space. TOTAL OPPOSITES the two of us.
As life went on, you see it even more. I am much more of a people pleaser than my brother is. He loves people and cares for them very much, but, he doesnt care about what they think as much as I do. He was able to laugh and let things roll of his back, much easier than I when people would say hurtful things, I only wish I could. and he was able to know that those that did love him, were what mattered. I will never forget the day that I came home just bawling from some hurtful words someone said at school, my mom held me and cried with me, never wanting me to feel this pain, and Bryan, being only 4 at the time, came up to me and said "Sissy, I will always love you, no matter what." I have never forgotten that, because he has always been true to his word. He cared about me, and he wanted his words to mean more to me than the mean ones did.
I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk about the Prodigal Son today, he put this into 2 categories, the rebellious (younger son) and the regious (older son), both having many problems, neither one fully living in the right. You see, this is where Bryan and I differ too, not now, back then. I always wanted to follow the rules, I never even had a desire to try things that were wrong, and I very rarely wanted to do anything that might even remotely be sin. That was my life as a Christian, even up into high school, life as clean as I can, follow all the rules, so that God wont get mad at me and will still love me.
Bryan, was not a bad guy, by any means, and the man that he is today is someone who I am deeply proud of, God has used him and transformed him in ways that I can not even begin to describe to you. But if you were to look at this story, in our high school years, Bryan would have been the younger son.
But as I said, neither one of the sons were right. Much like in our story, and at times in our lives, I think Bryan and I have switched roles, he the religious and I the rebellious. You see, the rebellious son, he out right was sinning, his sin was all over on the outside, you could see it, I picture him as strung out on drugs, his clothes are dirty, he has lost alot of weight, he just looks like the filth he has filled his life with. When people look at him, they see his sin, right out there, no denying it, no hiding it, its there.
Now the religous guy, his sin is on the inside. He may have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside his heart is judgmental, he thinks he is better than those around him, because outwardly he looks the part. He is sething with anger and envy toward his brother. His heart and mind are filled with thoughts of anger and impurity. You see, while he doesnt look fithy on the outside, on the inside, he looks AWFUL! And he, is living in just as much sin as his brother. Both of them equally bad, neither one of them living a life that shows they have been redeemed by grace.
Mark Driscoll put it this way, and Im not sure if I agree, he said that neither one of these sons actually loved their father, they were just using him. I dont know, I wasnt in their hearts, but by looking at them and their story, one could come to this assumption. They did all these hurtful things to their father, and as long as they had something to gain from him, they continued to use him. I wonder, do we do the same thing to our heavenly father?
This week I have had the chance of babysitting, alot, all the kids great kids, all wonderful parents as well. Yesterday, I was with Issac, Sophie, and Zekers (Ezekiel), and we watched the Wonderful World of HA'S, Veggie Tales take on the Wizard of Oz :) The story was all about the prodigal son, as Junior Asparagus realized he had spent all his money and felt his father could never forgive him for all he had done, and he walked back and his father scooped him up in his "arms" (they are vegetables, no arms :)) but as this scene continued, I got a little teary, realizing thats what God does for me.
Living with children now, as my roommate has 2 children of her own, that she shares with her husband, I have been learning alot of lessons lately. But we sat and talked about Easter together and my friend Tiffany looked at her daughter Emily and said, "Emmy, Jesus did all that for you", as we watched a scene of him dying on the cross. Tears streamed down my face, I guess I had never thought about it in those words before, in the way a child can understand it, it was as if God was speaking to me through Tiffany, which I believe he was, as she said this to Emily, Jesus said to me, "Becky, I did that for you, I love you".
You see, being the relgious one, I have know all the right answers for most of my life, I have done the right things alot, I have done alot for Jesus, but what does it all mean? You see, the rebellious son, he had a chance to see it, first hand, his father scooped him up and said, I love you son, Welcome Home!
I want that too! My brother, as I said before has had an amazing transformation in life, and I am so thankful I have had the chance to see it and even get to be a small part of it. I got the chance to see his prodigal son moment. He turned his life back to Christ, after a time of my praying for him and many others too, as I saw it, tears streamed down my face. He knew God loved him and he was accepting it, he has NEVER turned back, God has transformed him, he scooped him up, wiped his tears, and held him close, and now when people look at Bryan, they are able to see Christ. In fact, he is a missionary now, he is living daily to serve the God that changed his life.
I want that too, I want people to see Christ when they look at me, I want to be so affected and transformed by his love that I cant help but share it with those around me. We are all the prodigal son, or the older son, or both, but all of us are sinners in need of saving by grace. Today, will you allow God to scoop you up in his arms and hold you and forgive you and welcome you back to his family? Im thankful I did, and I praise God everyday that my baby brother did and that because of our choices, many more will have the chance to be accepted by these arms as well.
I love you all.
Becky
This is an amazing picture of what God does for us....but let me tell you why Im sharing it, lately I have been facinated with this story. I have always liked it, because it reminds me some what of my brother and I. I, being the older son in this story, which is half accurate, except I am the daughter and I am my daddys little princess :) but I digress.....the point is, these boys are so different, much like Bryan and I.
Allow me to take you to our childhood a little bit, I am 2 and 1/2 years old than Bryan, the day he came home from the hospital, I really was not happy, I was happy being the "only pebble on the beach", as my parents say. I loved the attention and really had no desire to share it. However, about a week in, Bryan became my beloved bestfriend, and I became, what I have lovingly been referred to in my family ever since, "the mother hen". I loved to boss Bryan around, I loved to dress him in my little dresses (sorry to embarrass you Bryan, but you have some stories like this about me too:)), but most of all, I just loved to have talks with him. As we grew up our rooms were right across the hall from each other, and we would often talk to each other late at night about things of the day and we became, as I said, bestfriends....but what reminds me of us in the story of the prodigal son goes far deeper. First, I imagine these brothers being close like Bryan and I were, at least I think it would be nice if that were the case.
But as I said, Bryan and I are also very different people. From the day I was born, I have been very clingy to people, and I have HATED to be alone. I still do. When I was a baby, my mom would rock me and I would fall fast asleep, but the minute she laid me down and left the room, I cried, I hated the idea of being in there alone. When it was time to play, I needed someone to play with toys with me, I didnt want to do it alone. My brother on the other hand, very much a low maintence child. He would take his bottle at night, and let mom hold him for a few minutes, for her satisfaction more than his it would seem, and then he wanted to be left alone, lay him in his crib, leave the room, he needed his alone time. When he got older, he loved playing with his toys alone, he loved to entertian himself and he liked his space. TOTAL OPPOSITES the two of us.
As life went on, you see it even more. I am much more of a people pleaser than my brother is. He loves people and cares for them very much, but, he doesnt care about what they think as much as I do. He was able to laugh and let things roll of his back, much easier than I when people would say hurtful things, I only wish I could. and he was able to know that those that did love him, were what mattered. I will never forget the day that I came home just bawling from some hurtful words someone said at school, my mom held me and cried with me, never wanting me to feel this pain, and Bryan, being only 4 at the time, came up to me and said "Sissy, I will always love you, no matter what." I have never forgotten that, because he has always been true to his word. He cared about me, and he wanted his words to mean more to me than the mean ones did.
I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk about the Prodigal Son today, he put this into 2 categories, the rebellious (younger son) and the regious (older son), both having many problems, neither one fully living in the right. You see, this is where Bryan and I differ too, not now, back then. I always wanted to follow the rules, I never even had a desire to try things that were wrong, and I very rarely wanted to do anything that might even remotely be sin. That was my life as a Christian, even up into high school, life as clean as I can, follow all the rules, so that God wont get mad at me and will still love me.
Bryan, was not a bad guy, by any means, and the man that he is today is someone who I am deeply proud of, God has used him and transformed him in ways that I can not even begin to describe to you. But if you were to look at this story, in our high school years, Bryan would have been the younger son.
But as I said, neither one of the sons were right. Much like in our story, and at times in our lives, I think Bryan and I have switched roles, he the religious and I the rebellious. You see, the rebellious son, he out right was sinning, his sin was all over on the outside, you could see it, I picture him as strung out on drugs, his clothes are dirty, he has lost alot of weight, he just looks like the filth he has filled his life with. When people look at him, they see his sin, right out there, no denying it, no hiding it, its there.
Now the religous guy, his sin is on the inside. He may have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside his heart is judgmental, he thinks he is better than those around him, because outwardly he looks the part. He is sething with anger and envy toward his brother. His heart and mind are filled with thoughts of anger and impurity. You see, while he doesnt look fithy on the outside, on the inside, he looks AWFUL! And he, is living in just as much sin as his brother. Both of them equally bad, neither one of them living a life that shows they have been redeemed by grace.
Mark Driscoll put it this way, and Im not sure if I agree, he said that neither one of these sons actually loved their father, they were just using him. I dont know, I wasnt in their hearts, but by looking at them and their story, one could come to this assumption. They did all these hurtful things to their father, and as long as they had something to gain from him, they continued to use him. I wonder, do we do the same thing to our heavenly father?
This week I have had the chance of babysitting, alot, all the kids great kids, all wonderful parents as well. Yesterday, I was with Issac, Sophie, and Zekers (Ezekiel), and we watched the Wonderful World of HA'S, Veggie Tales take on the Wizard of Oz :) The story was all about the prodigal son, as Junior Asparagus realized he had spent all his money and felt his father could never forgive him for all he had done, and he walked back and his father scooped him up in his "arms" (they are vegetables, no arms :)) but as this scene continued, I got a little teary, realizing thats what God does for me.
Living with children now, as my roommate has 2 children of her own, that she shares with her husband, I have been learning alot of lessons lately. But we sat and talked about Easter together and my friend Tiffany looked at her daughter Emily and said, "Emmy, Jesus did all that for you", as we watched a scene of him dying on the cross. Tears streamed down my face, I guess I had never thought about it in those words before, in the way a child can understand it, it was as if God was speaking to me through Tiffany, which I believe he was, as she said this to Emily, Jesus said to me, "Becky, I did that for you, I love you".
You see, being the relgious one, I have know all the right answers for most of my life, I have done the right things alot, I have done alot for Jesus, but what does it all mean? You see, the rebellious son, he had a chance to see it, first hand, his father scooped him up and said, I love you son, Welcome Home!
I want that too! My brother, as I said before has had an amazing transformation in life, and I am so thankful I have had the chance to see it and even get to be a small part of it. I got the chance to see his prodigal son moment. He turned his life back to Christ, after a time of my praying for him and many others too, as I saw it, tears streamed down my face. He knew God loved him and he was accepting it, he has NEVER turned back, God has transformed him, he scooped him up, wiped his tears, and held him close, and now when people look at Bryan, they are able to see Christ. In fact, he is a missionary now, he is living daily to serve the God that changed his life.
I want that too, I want people to see Christ when they look at me, I want to be so affected and transformed by his love that I cant help but share it with those around me. We are all the prodigal son, or the older son, or both, but all of us are sinners in need of saving by grace. Today, will you allow God to scoop you up in his arms and hold you and forgive you and welcome you back to his family? Im thankful I did, and I praise God everyday that my baby brother did and that because of our choices, many more will have the chance to be accepted by these arms as well.
I love you all.
Becky
Monday, April 25, 2011
Judge not lest ye be judged
There are days where I hate living in a small town. Very few, but they are there. Most of the time, I LOVE it, and I couldnt handle city life, but today, this morning to be exact, I was reminded of why I hate it. I went in to the local convience store and was grabbing some breakfast, I grabbed an orange juice, a chocolate milk, a piece of bacon breakfast pizza, a long john donut, and a package of those small little donuts too. Okay, now that being the only information I have given you, you probably have the same look on your face that the judgmental lady at the counter gave me. But you see, here is what you dont know and what she didnt know either, and had she known, maybe then the opinion she had of me would have changed. My bestfriend here in Sumner is Trista. I have only known her since October, but she is amazing!! She has 6 children and she is a great mom. One of her children had been admitted to the hospital the night before with RSV and Pneumonia, and I was grabbing some of her and her daughters favorites for breakfast this morning to take with me to the hospital. The food on the counter was not for my consumption at all, when this woman looked at me as though I was a fatty mc fatterson that would have been better off with an apple and some oatmeal, it hurt me, as most of the time judgment does.
Later on today, I got a phone call from my daddy who was hurt by comments from some of his friends about me not coming home for Easter. One person even made the comment that somehow I care more about my church than my mother. THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. In fact, being away from my parents for the first time in my life has been one of the hardest things in my life, it has been necessary and I have grown alot, but I miss them SO MUCH! You see, rather than asking my dad or me about why I wasnt home, opinions and judgments were made without any thought at all. I am a youth pastor and at our church the youth do a Sunrise Service and a breakfast on Easter Sunday morning, its a really big deal and as the youth pastor, I needed to be here for my youth group! Also, my bestfriend is having a baby this week, tomorrow to be exact and I have been setting up my visit home so I can see my mommy, my daddy, and the new baby all at the same time!
You see, the point I am making is this, we too many times are so quick to judge that we miss out on some great times to care for and encourage one another. This week, while I have been hurt by judgment, I think back to times where I have done the same thing. Maybe I didnt talk to someone because they were different, or I thought negative things about someone, without knowing their story at all.
During our Easter Service, the youth did 2 great skits. One of them was a human video to the song, "we are the body" by Casting Crowns. The words to this song are a good message for us to hear. Some of the words that stick out to me are, "Jesus paid much to high a price for us to pick and choose who we like, we are the body of Christ, if we are the Body, then why arent our arms reaching, why arent his hands healing, why arent his words teaching?" In the video the idea is that these people are sitting in church listening to the words, doing the motions, singing the songs, but when people in need come into the house of God and need love and care, they are judgmental, they are hurtful, and these people end up leaving, without ever hearing the message of Christ, because the actions of the people got in the way of the love of Christ.
I think sometimes, we are this same way, but if we are truly rooted in Christ and we say we are his people, we need to act as the Body of Christ, no judgment, no gossip, not hurting one another, but rather spurring one another on in love and encouragement.
Christ died on the cross for each of us. He loves us very much, with a love we cant even fathom, but if we truly love him and desire to serve him, our lives should reflect it,our hearts should be rid of this judgmental attitude entirely and replaced with Gods love and grace. I am going to try and live this way this week, and for weeks, months, and years to come, and I invite you to come and do the same. Lets do this thing together. Lets vow this week to put others before ourselves, and if we can do it for a week, we can do it for 2 and if we can do it for 2 we can do it for 3 and so on. The life that God has asked us to live, is not one that we are asked to live alone, in fact, God feels that is the worst thing, for us to be alone, its Biblical and the whole reason he created eve. So, lets start living this life together, making sure no one has to go through this thing alone.
As the song says, in High School Musical, I know cheesy, but you should expect this from me by now :) " Were all in this together"!!!
Later on today, I got a phone call from my daddy who was hurt by comments from some of his friends about me not coming home for Easter. One person even made the comment that somehow I care more about my church than my mother. THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. In fact, being away from my parents for the first time in my life has been one of the hardest things in my life, it has been necessary and I have grown alot, but I miss them SO MUCH! You see, rather than asking my dad or me about why I wasnt home, opinions and judgments were made without any thought at all. I am a youth pastor and at our church the youth do a Sunrise Service and a breakfast on Easter Sunday morning, its a really big deal and as the youth pastor, I needed to be here for my youth group! Also, my bestfriend is having a baby this week, tomorrow to be exact and I have been setting up my visit home so I can see my mommy, my daddy, and the new baby all at the same time!
You see, the point I am making is this, we too many times are so quick to judge that we miss out on some great times to care for and encourage one another. This week, while I have been hurt by judgment, I think back to times where I have done the same thing. Maybe I didnt talk to someone because they were different, or I thought negative things about someone, without knowing their story at all.
During our Easter Service, the youth did 2 great skits. One of them was a human video to the song, "we are the body" by Casting Crowns. The words to this song are a good message for us to hear. Some of the words that stick out to me are, "Jesus paid much to high a price for us to pick and choose who we like, we are the body of Christ, if we are the Body, then why arent our arms reaching, why arent his hands healing, why arent his words teaching?" In the video the idea is that these people are sitting in church listening to the words, doing the motions, singing the songs, but when people in need come into the house of God and need love and care, they are judgmental, they are hurtful, and these people end up leaving, without ever hearing the message of Christ, because the actions of the people got in the way of the love of Christ.
I think sometimes, we are this same way, but if we are truly rooted in Christ and we say we are his people, we need to act as the Body of Christ, no judgment, no gossip, not hurting one another, but rather spurring one another on in love and encouragement.
Christ died on the cross for each of us. He loves us very much, with a love we cant even fathom, but if we truly love him and desire to serve him, our lives should reflect it,our hearts should be rid of this judgmental attitude entirely and replaced with Gods love and grace. I am going to try and live this way this week, and for weeks, months, and years to come, and I invite you to come and do the same. Lets do this thing together. Lets vow this week to put others before ourselves, and if we can do it for a week, we can do it for 2 and if we can do it for 2 we can do it for 3 and so on. The life that God has asked us to live, is not one that we are asked to live alone, in fact, God feels that is the worst thing, for us to be alone, its Biblical and the whole reason he created eve. So, lets start living this life together, making sure no one has to go through this thing alone.
As the song says, in High School Musical, I know cheesy, but you should expect this from me by now :) " Were all in this together"!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Deep Dark Secret Time....wow, never thought Id share that!!!
Today has been a very weird day for me. As in, I have just been lost in my thoughts today. I mean I just have tons of stuff that is just running through my mind, all good stuff, alot of it God stuff, but its like I am living in another world or something. People come in to my office, I hold conversation with them, almost like they have come in and interupted this beautiful place that I really would rather stay in today. The phone rings and my teeth cringe as I know its my job to answer the phone, but dont these people know I have lots to think about today and dont want to be bothered by them? :O) Just Kidding.
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Feels Like Home....
Okay....so its been a while. sorry about that, well to the 9 of you that actually read this, I am sure you have been hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog :) ha ha ha....anyways.
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Really, youre a follower of Christ?
Okay....so I am going to try my best to write this in such a way that I am not being judgemental, because I am the last person that has any right to sit in judgement. However, accountibility is something that I think we have been lacking alot in this Christian walk lately. So today, I am not going to hold back, I am going to say what God has really been laying on my heart. Be ready for a short sermon in blog form. When I was a little girl and even to this day, I always wanted to follow the rules. I didnt like to go against them at all. I liked to make sure I was always doing what my parents told me to do. I guess some would have called me a good two shoes, and you know what? Im okay with that. Because I was striving to live my life in an honorable way. However, when I got to college, there was a short period of time, where I threw all of this away. I decided I was sick of following the rules, I was tired of always doing the right thing. I began swearing, not even because I liked it, just because I knew it was wrong. I began smoking, again, not because I liked it, just because it was against the rules. I became an ugly person, one who I was not proud to be at all. I HATED myself during this time and when I look back on it, I learned alot from it, but I wish I had just not even made the choices to begin with. I say all of this to say, I know that we all make the wrong choices sometimes, things we are not proud of, things we wish we could take back. But in the Christian walk, we are called to live a life that is higher than this. I was a camp counselor, I was a worship leader, and I was NOT representing the God I was sharing with all of these people. The moment that I remember the change coming in my life and realizing I couldnt do this anymore was 2 fold. First, I had alot of AMAZING friends, now at the time, I didnt think so, I was ticked at them, because they were all getting on my case for the choices I was making. Adam yelled at me quite a few times, Trevor had some serious talks with me, Shannon fought with me, Joni threatened to talk to those in authority at school if I didnt stop making these choices, and Fred cried as he held me one night telling me that he knew God had more for my life than what I was choosing. and ALL of them LOVED me in my sin, but they loved me too much to let me continue to live my life this way. More than that, they loved our God and were sick of me trampling his name. Going out and living one way at college and another when noone was watching, I had awful character during that time, the person I was when noone was watching was AWFUL. Still, I had not chosen to change. Second was the night that God broke me. I was singing and leading worship on stage one weekend when we were hosting high school kids at our college weekend. I had a call on my life to youth ministries, so I looked forward to these weekends every year. I was on stage and we were singing about how much we loved God, I looked at the faces of these kids and realized I was living a lie. I was broken, how could I do this to them? How could I do this to God who has been so faithful to me all of my life? How could I be doing this? I got done singing and ran back to my room that night and just threw myself on the bed and began to weep. That night I vowed that I was going to quit this lukewarm living thing. Revelation 3:15-16- "I know your works, you are neither hot or cold, be hot or be cold! Because you are neither one, you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I could tell you the origin of this verse, and if I was really preaching a sermon, I probably would, but for now, suffice it to say that I am tired of watching people live this way and act this way toward my GOD! If I could go back to myself then, I would have done the same things that my friends did, because they were keeping my accountable to the live I had promised to live. I am just sadened by the state of the world around me and the Christians that are around me as well. I know that some people would call me radical and say that I am living to extremes and I need to lighten up, but I think I would rather be called a Radical and be made fun of than to compromise anything in this life. But you want to know the sadest part of this for me? Those that make fun of me for living this life are not non christians, no they are the very same people who are to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. The same ones who claim to serve the God that I love and serve and they are making fun of me because of my beliefs. They call me old fashioned or a prude. I have made some very important choices in my life, because I feel God has called me to them. I will not EVER drink alcohol. First of all because I will not support an industry that I have seen destroy some of the families of the teens I love and care about so much in my ministry. Secondly because of the way it looks in our culture today. I know that this is a very gray area and people would argue well in the Bible they drank wine and there is nothing wrong with it at all, and I am NOT going to sit in judgement of anyone else. But what God has called ME to, is that if its that much of a stumbling block for people, if it causes confusion for someone or causes them to get a clouded view when they look at me and Christ is not as clearly seen, GET IT OUT OF MY LIFE! I dont need it. Or how about the fact that I am 29 years old and am still single, because I have chosen courtship for my life and have yet to find the guy that God has led me to enter into this with. That I have never been kissed in my life, because I am saving it for my wedding night. EXTREME, i know :) But why is that so bad? I mean, because I want my relationship with the one God has for me to be so amazing and perfect that I dont want to do anything that might put blocks in it? I actually feel proud of the fact that I am completely pure and have these gifts to give to my future husband. That is NOT a slam on anyone who does not and that does NOT discount the grace that God offers us when we do come to him, I just have a heart that is full and proud and ready to love when God is ready to bring someone into my life. I just dont feel like I should be laughed at or condemned for choosing that life. The list could go on and on and I would be the first to tell you, once again, that does not mean I live a perfect life, but I strive to. Its what God has called me to. I have been learning and realizing that alot lately, yes we are sinners, ALL of us. BUT we are sinners that were SAVED by grace! That means that if I am living as a saved person and I am striving everyday to be more like Christ, that I dont have to live in sin, I dont have to make mistakes, I am a santified person and I need to start living my life as such! God has called me to be Holy! I am going to start living that everyday! and I hope that you can all see Christ in me and if you cant, CALL ME OUT!!! I mean it. I love my God and I want to live for him!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You Saved Me.....
I love to sing, its no secret to those who are close to me at all, to be honest, even those who arent close to me, might catch me singing in a public restroom, its just a passion that I have in my soul. Next to my passion for Jesus, singing is the thing I am most passionate about in life. It has been a huge part of my life. I often remember scripture based on songs I learned in children's choir when I was younger. There are often things that I go through in life and I have songs that are my "go to" songs.
I was in a band for 3 years while I was in college and I loved it. I often remember songs we sang together and they help me through certain points in my life. I was thinking of one of those songs just the other day, "You Saved Me", was the name of the song. It is all about how God stepped in and saved our lives. I had the solo on this song, and it was one of my favorite to sing, because it was my personal testimony. There have been many points in my life where I was down and out and felt that I needed to be saved, but there is one point, my lowest, that I know God reached in and saved me. I wont go into detail, but suffice it to say, there was a day that I wanted to end my life. I was tired of being made fun of, I was tired of feeling like I didnt fit in. I was just tired of it all. That day, God sent my little brother into the room and we just had one of the most amazing conversations ever. I dont remember what was said and neither does he, we both just know that God used him to let me see myself through the eyes of Christ and how much I was really worth. When I sang this song, thats what I thought of. God physically saved my life that day, but long before that, he saved me.
I think we take that for granted sometimes. I think sometimes we are scared to admit that we even need saving at all. Thats what I want to think about and bask in this week. GOD SAVED ME! I am that important to him. He loves me and cares about EVERY PART of my life and he saved ME!!!! So now that I have been saved, what am I going to do about it?
I was in a band for 3 years while I was in college and I loved it. I often remember songs we sang together and they help me through certain points in my life. I was thinking of one of those songs just the other day, "You Saved Me", was the name of the song. It is all about how God stepped in and saved our lives. I had the solo on this song, and it was one of my favorite to sing, because it was my personal testimony. There have been many points in my life where I was down and out and felt that I needed to be saved, but there is one point, my lowest, that I know God reached in and saved me. I wont go into detail, but suffice it to say, there was a day that I wanted to end my life. I was tired of being made fun of, I was tired of feeling like I didnt fit in. I was just tired of it all. That day, God sent my little brother into the room and we just had one of the most amazing conversations ever. I dont remember what was said and neither does he, we both just know that God used him to let me see myself through the eyes of Christ and how much I was really worth. When I sang this song, thats what I thought of. God physically saved my life that day, but long before that, he saved me.
I think we take that for granted sometimes. I think sometimes we are scared to admit that we even need saving at all. Thats what I want to think about and bask in this week. GOD SAVED ME! I am that important to him. He loves me and cares about EVERY PART of my life and he saved ME!!!! So now that I have been saved, what am I going to do about it?
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