In my blog post last week, I shared with you that after a health scare in my life, I kind of had a wake up call. I had some things that definitely changed me. Fridays are my official day off from work. They are my days of reflection. I usually spend the day by myself, and I do that on purpose. You see, Im an extrovert. Im probably a "poster child" for extroverts if that is possible. Being around people is something that I love. When Im working in the office at church, I become easily distracted when many people are there because I would rather just sit and talk to them and listen to them. I love people! But I have learned in my years of ministry that if I dont take my "Fridays", bad things can and will happen. I need to make moments and take time for myself. Along with being an extrovert, along with really enjoying to spend time with others, I also feel guilty when I think about myself. I have always wanted to be sure that those around me knew that they were loved and cared for. But when I take a moment to think about me or do something for me, I feel like I am being selfish in some way. So, with this thought process starting off our blog, I thought that I would share with you some of the ministry lessons I have learned lately and what God is teaching me.
1- YOU are the best advocate for yourself and sometimes you are the ONLY advocate for yourself.
As I was saying, when I got sick, one of the first things that doctor said to me was that I had been sick for quite a while, that the infection that had found had been going on for a few weeks. She went on to tell me that these infections are often caused from stress in ones life. I got lucky, I was on medication for a little while and then I was ordered to take a few days of rest and relaxation. During this time, I realized that I had not taken time for me in a long time. I had not taken time to realize how sick I had really been feeling. I had not done my work out regiment and I had not been counting calories and looking closely at the food I was eating. Now these are very physical things, but they were pointing to an underlying problem. I was not taking time for Becky. I had to advocate for myself! When I got back to MN, I had to sit down and take a hard look. I knew that coming back after a surgery and illness, I needed to ease back in, but noone else was in my shoes. Noone else knew the emotional toll that this illness had taken, noone else knew the physical toll it had taken. Only I could stand up and say, THIS is what I can realistically do and do it well.
I sat down with a group of my interns last Wednesday Night and we had some of the best talks. Some of them were feeling so overwhelmed, they were sharing some very real hurts from their lives and I got to share this lesson with them. Its great for us to sit and talk about these things, but if we dont, if we dont take those moments, we are not serving anyone well, and we certainly are not advocating for ourselves. I am a girl, in case you didnt know :) And as a girl, I dont like alot of the stereotypes that sometimes get thrown around about men and women, but the reality is that some of them are true. I am very guilty of one in particular, I expect for people to somehow be able to read my mind and know what I am thinking and what I am feeling. Many of my guy friends have looked at me and said, "Becky, I love you, but I am not a mind reader". You see, if we dont take the time to tell people what we are thinking or feeling. If we dont take the time to take a hard look at these things, there will come a moment of explosion. There will come a moment of pure and utter freak out, and it will come when you least expect it. So advocate for yourself. So advocate for what you need. Take a "Friday", Put on your headphones and escape into your favorite music", read a book, veg out in front of the tv. Do what you need to do to recharge, to take care of you. If you dont do this, you WILL burn out, and you WILL leave ministry. Even Jesus took time alone.
2- Remind yourself often of what you love about ministry....
I remember the moment that God called me into ministry and the other moment where he called me into Youth Ministry specifically. But here is what is so key. You need to remind yourself often of why you are in ministry. You need to look often at what God has called you to. And sometimes, you will lose sight of it, this is why Im telling you, remind yourself often so that you DONT lose sight of the vision. As I sat in my dads living room last week recovering from surgery, recovering from illness, God began speaking to me. I missed my kids. I missed my interns. I missed the church. But I also realized that part of why I missed it is because I had become so bogged down lately. I had been bogged down with office work, with planning all these events, with DOING ministry. I was so bogged down with DOING ministry that I was missing BEING IN ministry. I sat down to coffee with my friend Jeremiah last Friday and told him, "Jeremiah, I dont feel called to leave ministry, but I do feel called to actually DO ministry". Let me explain here. I was very discouraged. I was feeling alot of things, I was really working through alot of stuff. and in that moment, I realized that the reason I was so discouraged, the reason that I was missing things so much is because I had lost sight of the vision. I had lost sight of the whole reason I was here. And heres the other thing, ministry does not pay well. Many of your friends are going to tell you often, "You should go find something that pays more", "is all this sacrifice worth it?" and you have to make a stand right now to say, being in ministry means sacrifice for me. Being in ministry means that I dont care how much I make and sometimes I may have to work extra hours, but I know that its all worth it, because what Im doing is worth a whole lot more than just money.
These are 2 of the big lessons I have learned the past couple of weeks. I sit here now, and have been attending some free youth ministry Webinars today. and Im reminded again of why I do this thing called Youth Ministry.
Im very thankful for the blessing of youth ministry! I am very thankful for the call God has placed on my life! and I LOVE sharing the lessons God is teaching me. I love that part of ministry is the family of God that we get to serve in together.
Be Blessed!!!!
Friday, February 21, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
The Fight of the Century
Have you ever had those moments in your life? You know, the ones where you are literally at your Whit's End and you're asking yourself, "Really? What else could possibly go wrong?" I know that we have all had those moments. Sometimes they are ones that are not easy to admit, but they are there. Life just seems to pile cruddy situation after cruddy situation all over us. And, we have some choices to make.
Let me explain why I am starting my blog this way. I know that in life we all go through hard times. Trust me, I see them everyday in ministry. So I am not for a second going to tell you here that my tough times are any worse than yours or that somehow mine are tougher. Thats not my goal here at all. My goal is rather to share with you, that I have been there too. That we are in this journey together. That being said, lately, life has thrown quite a few blows at me. And I have had some choices to make about which road I would travel down. But things all came to a head for me in making those decisions last Wednesday Night.
2 Weeks ago, I found a lump on my body. I am not going to graphically go into detail here. I will just tell you that it startled me. It made me concerned. For those of you who dont know, in my family health history, Cancer is a very real thing. Many of my loved ones have been affected by it, so when the doctors saw the lump, they ran some tests, they checked me out and the ruling was that most likely I had a very bad infection that had developed into a cyst. But, there was a chance that it could be cancerous. And because of my family history, it was best to get it further checked. And so, I began to pray. And I made the decision to take a few days and go down to Iowa to be with my family. I had some more tests, and it was decided that I did NOT have cancer. I did have a serious infection that needed to be treated and I had to take some time to stop, relax, rest, and recuperate. During this time of reflection God began to speak to me. I began to dissect all that was going on.
My mom just passed away from Cancer 1 1/2 years ago. I saw her go through so much crap in her life. And a part of me was scared. I didn't want to have to go through those things. I hated seeing her go through all that she had to go through. And honestly, I miss her everyday of my life. This made me think of her even more, and it began to put things in perspective for me. If I did have cancer, If that had been the verdict, would I be leaving a legacy to be proud of the way that my mom did? Would people say the things about me that said about her after she passed away? Would people know how much they meant to me? How much I loved them? How much I cared for them? How important they were to me? It was alot to take in.
And then I came back to Minnesota. And I tried to just throw myself back into my work. People had been so understanding of me when I was gone. They loved me. They cared for me. and they were deeply concerned for me. But I didnt feel like I deserved all of their fuss. I didnt feel like I deserved all of their concern. and when I came back I just began to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with their care for me. Overwhelmed with the amount of "things" that I was doing in my life. But do those "things" matter? What do those "things" mean? No, my life should be about the people in it. My life should be about the relationships that God blesses me with. My life should about leading others into meaningful relationships as well.
So on Wednesday Night, as I was preparing for another Wednesday Night service, I suddenly began to cry. I had people all around me, so my crying is figurative, I was crying inside. And I had to take a few moments. I grabbed my headphones, put them in, and just made the people around me disappear for a few moments. I began to fight. You see, I had to fight this feeling of going into despair and anger. I am thankful everyday of my life that I am blessed to live this life that God has given me. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. But, if I am not careful, I can miss all of those things because I get bogged down with the crap. I lost my mom to cancer, my brother moved to Bolivia and I miss him everyday of my life, and my niece too. God called me to move to Minnesota and my daddy lives 5 hours away from me and I dont have any blood relatives here with me. I am, in some ways, all on my own. I have had several health scares in my life. I still dont know if I will be able to concieve children of my own someday. I am 32 years old, and THIS is not where I thought I would be at all at this point in my life.
But you see, those things, they are cruddy moments in my life, but they are not the moments I should focus on. Because you see the reality is this. My mom is now healed and happy, in the arms of Jesus. My brother has an incredible wife and daughter and I am proud of the man that he is and the way he is serving God. My daddy has an incredible church family and friends in Iowa that love and care for him when I cant. And while I dont have blood relatives here, I have an incredible family in Minnesota, who are here for me in ways I never could have imagined. and while I have had many health scares, God has protected me in EVERY one and brought me through it to the other side. and while this is not where I thought I would be at 32 years old, I have done a lot in this life, I have alot to be proud of. You see, its perspective! I could wallow, I could be angry and bitter, but what good would it do? NONE! You see, we have to fight sometimes! And let me tell you, this week has been quite a fight for me. A fight to push through that feeling of despair and find the never ending JOY that is in Jesus Christ.
I am dealing becoming the woman that I know God wants me to be. Somedays, I fail miserably. Somedays I am unkind to my friends. Somedays I get stressed out and I just need to be left alone. Somedays I swear more than I should because Im frustrated. Somedays I miss the mark. Somedays I miss seeing people hurting because I am too focused on and wrapped up in my own hurts. But somedays, God uses me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and honored to be where I am at in life right now. I am humbled that God sees me and sees someone who he can use.
There is a song I used to sing and my mom used to love it. Its called, "Do They See Jesus In Me?" One of the verses says, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way that you will". THIS is what I want to say tonight. God, USE ME! In whatever means, in whatever way necessary. I want my life to tell a story, but more than that, I want my life to tell YOUR STORY. I want my life to lead others to see YOU! Help me to do that. With love and compassion for those around me.
Let me explain why I am starting my blog this way. I know that in life we all go through hard times. Trust me, I see them everyday in ministry. So I am not for a second going to tell you here that my tough times are any worse than yours or that somehow mine are tougher. Thats not my goal here at all. My goal is rather to share with you, that I have been there too. That we are in this journey together. That being said, lately, life has thrown quite a few blows at me. And I have had some choices to make about which road I would travel down. But things all came to a head for me in making those decisions last Wednesday Night.
2 Weeks ago, I found a lump on my body. I am not going to graphically go into detail here. I will just tell you that it startled me. It made me concerned. For those of you who dont know, in my family health history, Cancer is a very real thing. Many of my loved ones have been affected by it, so when the doctors saw the lump, they ran some tests, they checked me out and the ruling was that most likely I had a very bad infection that had developed into a cyst. But, there was a chance that it could be cancerous. And because of my family history, it was best to get it further checked. And so, I began to pray. And I made the decision to take a few days and go down to Iowa to be with my family. I had some more tests, and it was decided that I did NOT have cancer. I did have a serious infection that needed to be treated and I had to take some time to stop, relax, rest, and recuperate. During this time of reflection God began to speak to me. I began to dissect all that was going on.
My mom just passed away from Cancer 1 1/2 years ago. I saw her go through so much crap in her life. And a part of me was scared. I didn't want to have to go through those things. I hated seeing her go through all that she had to go through. And honestly, I miss her everyday of my life. This made me think of her even more, and it began to put things in perspective for me. If I did have cancer, If that had been the verdict, would I be leaving a legacy to be proud of the way that my mom did? Would people say the things about me that said about her after she passed away? Would people know how much they meant to me? How much I loved them? How much I cared for them? How important they were to me? It was alot to take in.
And then I came back to Minnesota. And I tried to just throw myself back into my work. People had been so understanding of me when I was gone. They loved me. They cared for me. and they were deeply concerned for me. But I didnt feel like I deserved all of their fuss. I didnt feel like I deserved all of their concern. and when I came back I just began to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with their care for me. Overwhelmed with the amount of "things" that I was doing in my life. But do those "things" matter? What do those "things" mean? No, my life should be about the people in it. My life should be about the relationships that God blesses me with. My life should about leading others into meaningful relationships as well.
So on Wednesday Night, as I was preparing for another Wednesday Night service, I suddenly began to cry. I had people all around me, so my crying is figurative, I was crying inside. And I had to take a few moments. I grabbed my headphones, put them in, and just made the people around me disappear for a few moments. I began to fight. You see, I had to fight this feeling of going into despair and anger. I am thankful everyday of my life that I am blessed to live this life that God has given me. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. But, if I am not careful, I can miss all of those things because I get bogged down with the crap. I lost my mom to cancer, my brother moved to Bolivia and I miss him everyday of my life, and my niece too. God called me to move to Minnesota and my daddy lives 5 hours away from me and I dont have any blood relatives here with me. I am, in some ways, all on my own. I have had several health scares in my life. I still dont know if I will be able to concieve children of my own someday. I am 32 years old, and THIS is not where I thought I would be at all at this point in my life.
But you see, those things, they are cruddy moments in my life, but they are not the moments I should focus on. Because you see the reality is this. My mom is now healed and happy, in the arms of Jesus. My brother has an incredible wife and daughter and I am proud of the man that he is and the way he is serving God. My daddy has an incredible church family and friends in Iowa that love and care for him when I cant. And while I dont have blood relatives here, I have an incredible family in Minnesota, who are here for me in ways I never could have imagined. and while I have had many health scares, God has protected me in EVERY one and brought me through it to the other side. and while this is not where I thought I would be at 32 years old, I have done a lot in this life, I have alot to be proud of. You see, its perspective! I could wallow, I could be angry and bitter, but what good would it do? NONE! You see, we have to fight sometimes! And let me tell you, this week has been quite a fight for me. A fight to push through that feeling of despair and find the never ending JOY that is in Jesus Christ.
I am dealing becoming the woman that I know God wants me to be. Somedays, I fail miserably. Somedays I am unkind to my friends. Somedays I get stressed out and I just need to be left alone. Somedays I swear more than I should because Im frustrated. Somedays I miss the mark. Somedays I miss seeing people hurting because I am too focused on and wrapped up in my own hurts. But somedays, God uses me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and honored to be where I am at in life right now. I am humbled that God sees me and sees someone who he can use.
There is a song I used to sing and my mom used to love it. Its called, "Do They See Jesus In Me?" One of the verses says, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way that you will". THIS is what I want to say tonight. God, USE ME! In whatever means, in whatever way necessary. I want my life to tell a story, but more than that, I want my life to tell YOUR STORY. I want my life to lead others to see YOU! Help me to do that. With love and compassion for those around me.
Friday, January 10, 2014
You're Nothing
I think that I am going to start designating Friday as my blogging days. Days where I sit and reflect on the lessons that God has taught me throughout the week. Because, lets be honest, I dont have much time through out the week to do it. :) Unless the weather is so unbearably cold that work is cancelled. Which I will tell you that while I enjoyed a day off this week, I will give up the cold for work anytime! But again, I disgress.....
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
Monday, January 6, 2014
If Im Being Honest.....
Well, moving to Minnesota, while one of the best decisions of my life, sometimes feels like a not so great one :) Okay so I am only saying that because today I am sitting in my house with -50 temps outside right now, work being cancelled because of the extreme cold temperatures. Ugh! My body is NOT SO GREAT at handling these cold temps either :( I have had arthritis since I was 14 and cold temps like this just don't feel so great. :( But I digress. I am also THANKFUL for this time to work from home and reflect as well. So, I decided to blog today.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas with the Canny's
Christmas was always my favorite holiday. I remember when I was little I started listening to Christmas music in October, right after Halloween. It drove my family crazy sometimes, but they loved me anyways. Christmas, I realize, was my favorite because my mom made it so special in our home. We had SO MANY traditions. So many things in our family. and now, that we are all apart, I miss them. Its as though the "magic" of Christmas has gone.
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Count Your Blessings....
So A few weeks ago, my friend posted this on her blog. and I thought, what better way to choose Joy, what better way to count my blessings than to do what she did? So Here they are, the 7 deadly sins, with a twist.
seven great things in your life.
1. My daddy. He is one of the most loving, caring, and supportive people I have ever met in my life. He has shown me what true love really means as he loved my mother with a love I have never seen from anyone else. and he loves my brother and I with an incredible love. He loves my niece with an indescribable love. He cares for others and he loves his God with EVERYTHING that is in him.
2. My church. I am GREATFUL that I have the church family I do. They love me unconditionally. They take care of me. They make me feel important and special often. and they give me a chance to serve in the best way I know how.
3. My Small Group. I get to meet with some of the most amazing people every Monday Night. We read the Bible together. We do life together. We share the happy moments, we care for one another during the trials. All in all, we are there for each other. And I believe with all of my heart that I would not make it through life without them in it.
4. My Girl Friends. I have some of the BEST friends in the World. Ones from College who have been my some of bestfriends for 13 years, and I know will be there for another 13 and more! You are amazing. I have so many women in my life who I am greatful for in Minnesota as well. Ones who are in my small group. Ones who are from Red Rock Camp who have become far more than just camp friends. Ones from my church family. ones I have had the joy of working with. ALL of you I am greatful for and thank God for each and everyday!
5. My honoary brothers. I have so many guys in my life who I am thankful for daily. The ones who were in college with me who teased me like a little sister but also took care of me, stood up for me, and watched out for me often. Ones who I can call now who will fix my car at a moments notice, who will drop what they are doing to come and pick me up when my car breaks down on the side of the road. Ones who will stand up for me when I am not being treated fairly and Im too nice to do it myself. Ones who will watch football with me. and yes, ones who still tease me, because i know their teasing is done in love for me.
6. My baby brother, he has been my BEST friend since I was 2 years old and that will never change. I can laugh with him, I can cry with him. I can share moments with him that i can share with noone else. He is the best brother I could have ever asked for and he has given me 2 of the most amazing gifts in the World. An Incredible Sister in Law whom I am very greatful for and the most beautiful little girl in the World who I get to call my niece :) and she even looks like me! ha ha!
7. My un-phaseable ambition
.jpg)
.jpg&description=7%20Deadly%20Sins%20Link%20Party! "Pin on Pinterest")
seven things you lack and covet.
1. Money
2. A Better Car
3. A Skinnier Body
4. A Man (someone to cherish, and someone who cherishes me)
5. Children of my own
6. Family that lives close to me
7. Skills in the kitchen.
7. Skills in the kitchen.
seven things that make you angry.
1. People who are not authentic or fake with each other
2. My moms death
3. My brother, my sister in law, and my niece live too far away
4. People who dont care about other people
5. Murder
6. Mental Illness and how it affects the people I love
7. CANCER, it sucks!
.jpg)
.jpg&description=7%20Deadly%20Sins%20Link%20Party! "Pin on Pinterest")
seven things that you neglect to do.
1. Sometimes I forget my house chores (sorry roomates, I will try to do better.)
2. Call my friends as often as I should
3. Eat breakfast.
4. Exercise (okay, ever)
5. Write music as much as I want to
6. Read
7. Blog
seven worldly material desires.
1. A new car
2. An Ipad (I traded mine in and I miss it alot)
3. A Brand New Bed
4. Money so I never have to worry about anything material again.
5. My own house that is fully furnished with everything.
6. My Own Keyboard
7. I cant think of a number 7.
seven guilty pleasures.
1. GLEE
2. Chocolate Anything
3. Ice cream.
4. Reading (Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and many other books as well.)
5. Pop of almost any kind (especially Cherry Coke and Root Beer)
6. Eating Out
7. Facebook.
seven things you love about love.
1. Seeing someone in a way that noone else does
2. laughing together
3. Being best friends.
4. Knowing things about them that noone else knows.
5. Caring about someone in a deep and meaningful way.
6. Knowing that someone loves you unconditionally
7. Relying on each other no matter what.
THIS was fun! You should all do it too. I am thankful for the things God has given me in life. and for those things I dont have. Im thankful that God has shown me that HE is enough.
Choose Joy
So its November. Thanksgiving time to be exact. Now, for those of you who know me at all, you know that November has become a very difficult time for me. Its my "dark month" if you will. It all actually starts in October. October is a time of great loss for many of my friends and family members. And October is the month when I got the call last year that I would be loosing my mom to her battle with Cancer, just 10 days later, on November 8th, I lost her on this Earth. Now, I know that I have hope of seeing her again someday. I know that she had GREAT FAITH and that she lived her life for God. I know that she left an incredible legacy, but all of that doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone. I cant pick up the phone and call her on the days when Im hurting, I cant laugh with her at the funny things. I cant come home for the holidays and enjoy her food and help her decorate. It doesnt change the fact that right now, she is gone! and I miss her.
I pride myself in being very bubbly and happy most of the time. But the past few weeks, I have lost that Becky in the memory of my mom. I havent felt happy. I havent wanted to feel happy. I have found myself going into this dark place of anger and bitterness and somehow, in a weird way, finding solace there. I know its not what my mom would want. I know deep down its not what I want. But its where Im finding myself if Im truly honest with you.
A few weeks ago my friends started talking about tattoos and how they wanted one. I didnt say much during the conversation, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that maybe I want one. Maybe getting one to remind me of my moms great Philosophy, maybe that would help carry on her legacy. You see my mom was one of the most caring people I know. My mom faced so much in her short life. But she was always strong. Always faithful. and Always thinking of others before herself. My mom loved people. And my mom always chose to have joy even in the midst of great trial. Its what I keep reminding myself of daily, "Choose Joy". You see, its because Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, its something that is fleeting and its something that we cant fully rely on. But Joy. With Joy there is MORE. Its a confidience, a choice, a life that we choose to live. Its like in Daniel 3 when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, as they faced the furnace they were about to be thrown in. Those men Chose Joy. They looked the King in the eyes and said, "We know our God will save us, but EVEN IF he doesnt, he is STILL OUR GOD!" You see, Choosing Joy is just like this. Its saying, I dont feel happy at all right now. I dont feel like celebrating at all right now. But I choose to remember that God is still God. That God has a plan here. I choose to remember that I have many blessings in my life, even though my mom is not her physically.
So today, at the end of this blog post, I would like to share some of my favorite memories with her. and I want to count the blessings I have in my life.
Thanksgiving was my moms favorite holiday. She HATED the fact that Christmas was always over commercialized and that Thanksgiving got over looked. She LOVED to take the time to be thankful for what God had given her.
Thanksgiving was a very special day in our house. It started early in the morning, We would wake up to the smell of my moms delicious Egg Bake Casserole and Cinnamon Rolls. She even made us fresh orange juice!
During Breakfast, we would watch the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on Television. Now let me tell you a secret. NOONE else in our house likes the Parade, but its my FAVORITE, so my family chose to put their time aside and watch it with me :) and they even pretended to enjoy it! They watched from beginning to end with me, even my favorite part, all of the people from Broadway performing before the parade.
My mom would sneak away during the second half of the parade to wash dishes and begin cooking our meal for the day. and as he got older, my brother started cooking with her. They made some of the BEST meals in the world. My mom made the most delicious Butterhorn Rolls ever. And if you had a chance to taste them, you know Im not exaggerating. She would make turkey, corn casserole, potato casserole, green bean casserole, and even oysters, for my daddy, even though the rest of us hated them. :)
My adopted grandparents lived in the basement of our duplex and so when lunch was made and the parade was over we would take the food downstairs to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Lindsay. Grandpa would always say, "This is the day that the Lord has made" as we walked into the house and we always finished by saying, "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". We would then sit down at the table. We were to go around the table and share one thing we were thankful for that year. Then we all prayed together. After lunch, we helped clean up and then mom and dad visited with Grandma and Grandpa. and THIS was my brother and my favorite part of the day.
Because it was just upstairs, my mom let us go upstairs on our own to watch Home Alone. We could quote most of the movie to you. But we loved to laugh together and watch the movie together. It was our time of bonding. When that was done, my mom had desert for us. Pumpkin Pie for me, Pecan Pie for my brother, and Mince Meat Pie for my daddy.
We ended the day with getting out the Christmas Decorations. and preparing to put them up the next day. and then we would pile in the car to go see what Christmas lights had already been put up. My brother didnt like this part of the day and usually fell asleep on my shoulder in the backseat during this time. But I wouldnt trade those moments for anything.
You see, when you build such big traditions, loosing them is hard. It makes celebrating difficult. Suddenly you dont want to, I dont want to create new memories, because I liked the ones we already had :( I miss my mom. I miss my brother. But this year, I promise to be here for my daddy and make sure that he is NOT alone.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I am blessed!
I pride myself in being very bubbly and happy most of the time. But the past few weeks, I have lost that Becky in the memory of my mom. I havent felt happy. I havent wanted to feel happy. I have found myself going into this dark place of anger and bitterness and somehow, in a weird way, finding solace there. I know its not what my mom would want. I know deep down its not what I want. But its where Im finding myself if Im truly honest with you.
A few weeks ago my friends started talking about tattoos and how they wanted one. I didnt say much during the conversation, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought that maybe I want one. Maybe getting one to remind me of my moms great Philosophy, maybe that would help carry on her legacy. You see my mom was one of the most caring people I know. My mom faced so much in her short life. But she was always strong. Always faithful. and Always thinking of others before herself. My mom loved people. And my mom always chose to have joy even in the midst of great trial. Its what I keep reminding myself of daily, "Choose Joy". You see, its because Joy is a choice. Happiness is a feeling, its something that is fleeting and its something that we cant fully rely on. But Joy. With Joy there is MORE. Its a confidience, a choice, a life that we choose to live. Its like in Daniel 3 when Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, as they faced the furnace they were about to be thrown in. Those men Chose Joy. They looked the King in the eyes and said, "We know our God will save us, but EVEN IF he doesnt, he is STILL OUR GOD!" You see, Choosing Joy is just like this. Its saying, I dont feel happy at all right now. I dont feel like celebrating at all right now. But I choose to remember that God is still God. That God has a plan here. I choose to remember that I have many blessings in my life, even though my mom is not her physically.
So today, at the end of this blog post, I would like to share some of my favorite memories with her. and I want to count the blessings I have in my life.
Thanksgiving was my moms favorite holiday. She HATED the fact that Christmas was always over commercialized and that Thanksgiving got over looked. She LOVED to take the time to be thankful for what God had given her.
Thanksgiving was a very special day in our house. It started early in the morning, We would wake up to the smell of my moms delicious Egg Bake Casserole and Cinnamon Rolls. She even made us fresh orange juice!
During Breakfast, we would watch the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on Television. Now let me tell you a secret. NOONE else in our house likes the Parade, but its my FAVORITE, so my family chose to put their time aside and watch it with me :) and they even pretended to enjoy it! They watched from beginning to end with me, even my favorite part, all of the people from Broadway performing before the parade.
My mom would sneak away during the second half of the parade to wash dishes and begin cooking our meal for the day. and as he got older, my brother started cooking with her. They made some of the BEST meals in the world. My mom made the most delicious Butterhorn Rolls ever. And if you had a chance to taste them, you know Im not exaggerating. She would make turkey, corn casserole, potato casserole, green bean casserole, and even oysters, for my daddy, even though the rest of us hated them. :)
My adopted grandparents lived in the basement of our duplex and so when lunch was made and the parade was over we would take the food downstairs to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Lindsay. Grandpa would always say, "This is the day that the Lord has made" as we walked into the house and we always finished by saying, "Let us rejoice and be glad in it". We would then sit down at the table. We were to go around the table and share one thing we were thankful for that year. Then we all prayed together. After lunch, we helped clean up and then mom and dad visited with Grandma and Grandpa. and THIS was my brother and my favorite part of the day.
Because it was just upstairs, my mom let us go upstairs on our own to watch Home Alone. We could quote most of the movie to you. But we loved to laugh together and watch the movie together. It was our time of bonding. When that was done, my mom had desert for us. Pumpkin Pie for me, Pecan Pie for my brother, and Mince Meat Pie for my daddy.
We ended the day with getting out the Christmas Decorations. and preparing to put them up the next day. and then we would pile in the car to go see what Christmas lights had already been put up. My brother didnt like this part of the day and usually fell asleep on my shoulder in the backseat during this time. But I wouldnt trade those moments for anything.
You see, when you build such big traditions, loosing them is hard. It makes celebrating difficult. Suddenly you dont want to, I dont want to create new memories, because I liked the ones we already had :( I miss my mom. I miss my brother. But this year, I promise to be here for my daddy and make sure that he is NOT alone.
I have SO MUCH to be thankful for! I am blessed!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)