Okay, so I know I have not been so great at getting time to write on my blog lately....but when I get time, I write what has been on my mind. Todays is kind of a random thought, but please read all of this before writing me off :)
Poptarts, okay, so I think we can all admit that we love these things to indulge in every once in a while :) You can eat poptarts in two different ways. You can just open up that package and take one out right away....or, if you have the patience, you can wait the extra few minutes, warm it up in the toaster and then pull out and induldge in that gooey deliciousness :0)
Most of the time, I take the easy route, I open the package and just bite in on my way out the door to work. But boy on those days when I take the extra time to put it in the toaster, I think to myself, "why dont I just have the patience to wait everyday and enjoy what I know could be even better if I was just willing to wait a few minutes." :)
Okay, now go with me on this, sometimes I think this is how we treat our lives as well. First of all, we get so busy and so caught up that we miss the beauty around us. We miss the smiles on our friends faces, we miss going to hang out because we just have to many other things to get done. We miss life, because we are just too busy. I watched a movie a couple weeks ago called, "Conversations with God". One of the quotes from the amazing movie was from a woman who had been missing out, she said, "Im so busy making a living that Im not living at all, in fact, Im making a dying". You see she had been missing out on all the joy around her, because she was just settling for working and not living.
In our spiritual lives it is much the same. We all get so busy with all the other "stuff" and God is usually one of the first things that we easily let go of. We dont do our devotions, or we just take a quick 5 minutes and tell God what we need. We settle for as little as possible, BUT, if we just took a few extra minutes, what could we find in those minutes?
Would we find peace to help us through the worries and trials? Would we find joy instead of heart ache? Would we find strength to help us face what lies ahead? Would we find the real savior that we claim to love so much? I think we would be surprised with what we would find. I know I have been. In my life this past year, EVERYTHING has been torn from me. My mother has been very sick and unable to be there for me like she has been my whole life, my baby brother got married and moved to Bolivia and we have been bestfriends all of our lives, I had to learn to live life without him. I even moved away from home for a year, living completely alone, all a plan from my Lord and Savior who loves me enough to pull me through the crud, if it means my coming closer to him. I have been learning to cherish these quiet times, and when I miss them, my day is just not the same. I NEED them, I need JESUS!
Now I am in no way comparing our Lord to some measly toaster pastry, just the idea that for me, I realize that this small thing, made me think about something much bigger than I.
I havent always enjoyed football, but when I lived with my brother and his friends, we watched alot of it and I actually began to really enjoy it, now I follow some teams and watch it on my own sometimes! Well of course in the news right now is Tim Tebow. He is in the news because of the life he is choosing to live for Christ. And he is catching alot of flack for it, but you know what, HE DOESNT CARE! He says, "its my relationship with God, I want to shout about it any chance I get". So thats what I want to start doing too. If that means that every time I enjoy a pop tart (toasted of course) it reminds me of the sweetness of that precious time with Christ, them more power to you little pop tart! I vow to do this with my life as well, I will shout about my relationship with God and I will spend that extra time alone with him, so I have even more to shout about :)
I love you friends.
Merry Christmas!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
ITS BEEN TOO LONG!!!
Okay....it has been a VERY VERY VERY long time since I have updated this thing and MANY changes have happened in my life since then! SO here we go!
Well, okay it all started at Red Rock Camp this summer. God began to speak to me about some changes he wanted to make in my life. To be honest, it happened back last October. I had sensed God leading me to move to a job I had been offered in Sumner Iowa to be a full time church secretary and youth pastor. This was AFTER my mother had been suffering from some very difficult health problems and I had been caring for her and my father. I felt selfish for leaving, but my brother, his wife, and I got things in order for mom and dad and I made the 3 hour move to Northeast Iowa. I learned alot about myself in the year I was there. First of all, I lived in an apartment BY MYSELF for the first time in my life!! I learned that while I HATED IT! I could do it and make it on my own, which was something I was always scared of and not sure I could do. I began to make some friends in Sumner and grew close to the youth.
In the beginning of the winter season in Sumner, shortly after Christmas, I was getting ready to take my kids on a ski trip when I recieved the call that my father had recieved the news that my mother had cancer. At this point in time, they thought it was spinal cancer in very advanced stages and did not give us a lot of hope on her prognosis. I somehow gained my composure and took my youth group on their trip after that point, and then made arangements to travel home to see my mother, meet with doctors, etc. NOT AN EASY thing to go through and let me just tell you CANCER SUCKS!!!!! ALOT!!!! However, we were lucky, we found out that moms cancer was not the spinal cancer they thought it was. We found out that it was Lymphoma and that it was not only treatable, but the one kind of cancer that many doctors will use the word curable when describing it.
It is now October and while my mother is still trying to regain the use of her legs, and is still going through some other health issues, HER CANCER IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION AND SHE HAS HOPE OF REGAINING SOME USE OF HER LEGS!!!! God is good and even in a tough situation, he drew us closer to him! I went back to Sumner after she began chemotherapy and it was SO DIFFICULT! My father was completely alone back in Oskaloosa. He was travelling with her to her appointments and bearing much of the weight of this on his own. It was while I was at Red Rock that God began to speak to me about having something different he wanted me to do.
To be honest, at first I thought he was calling me to move further away from my family. Maybe he wanted me to move to the cities where I had alot of friends and there were more opportunities for work and ministry. I continued to pray and I knew he wasnt calling me to the cities, but I knew he was calling me out of Sumner. Then my dad began to share with me how lonely he really was, how tough it really was for him to be alone with no family close by. I went back home for a few days after directing a camp at the end of the summer. It was then, as I was visiting my father, that God made it clear to me. What he was asking me to do, what he was calling me to do, was to move back home to Oskaloosa. He would provide a job for me, not one that would pay much, but I would get by until he was ready to provide more. He would provide a home for me, not in ways I would understand, but he would and I had to just trust him.
The part that was hard was understanding why he had called me to Sumner in the first place, just to call me back home a year later. I wasnt sure I was ready to listen, until my health began to decline. At this point, my doctors highly encouraged that I move back home while they got it back on track. My thyroid was severely out of whack, my blood sugars were too high, my blood presssure was too high, bottom line, I needed to get my medicines under control and I needed to be close to my doctors. I also needed to be closer to my family. I needed to help my father and I needed his help as I went through some of this medical stuff as well.
SO.....I put it in Gods hands, I made the choice, and I moved! It happened VERY FAST! I was offered a job, the DAY I applied! Not much pay,but enough to make ends meet for the first few months I was here until I got on my feet and could find something else. God then provided a place to live....well, let me back up. First, I tried to do it on my own. I got mixed up into A VERY BAD apartment situation, I lost money on the deal and was VERY UNSAFE, BUT God protected me through it all and then unfolded his plan.
You see, my dad, was ready to move to a house, he was getting tired of his apartment, and while we know that it is not hopeful that my mother will move back home, if we got her to a nursing home in Oskaloosa, she COULD come visit if we lived in the right place. Living in his apartment, he would not have the hope of her visiting him there. He also didnt have a yard or a place he could sit outside and enjoy the weather. He felt cooped up. My moving back, gave us both a chance to find a place together. So we found a perfect little house. and now we are there together. He has someone so he doesnt have to be alone and I can care for him the way he needs. And I have someone to talk to as well. My dad was beginning to have some of his own health issues as well. This was God ordained, even though it was difficult to see at the time.
My health, after 2 months of VERY CRAPPY STUFF, has finally started to show improvement! my blood pressure and blood sugars have evened out! I have lost about 40 pounds and am on my way to loosing alot more :) and my hormones are evening out as well! This part takes a little bit more time than the rest of the stuff unfortunetly :( But at least improvments are on their way!
I have been sitting here thinking for the past few months that I dont really understand God. I try so hard to understand, to "get it", to "wrap my brain around it", but I just plain cant do it. and then a comment that I said to my small group girls at camp comes to my mind, "I dont want to serve a God that I can wrap my head around, he just wouldnt be big enough then". Somehow I think saying that and believing and living it, are 2 VERY DIFFERENT THINGS :)
October is a month of reflection for me, my bestfriend Meggans sister and her boyfriend were killed in a car accident in October, they were so young and understanding it is just very difficult and I dont know that we are meant to. My bestfriend Shannon, who is more like a sister to me, would have 5 year old twins right now had she not lost them before they even had a chance to enter the world. Its in October that I moved to Sumner and left my family for the first time in my life, and went through some very difficult trials COMPLETELY ALONE. And just this week, my bestfriend Shannon had a friend who lost a baby boy that was just 4 months old. I didnt know her personally, but I still am speechless while trying to understand what she is going through.
I would be lying if I told you that I handle all of this with joy, strength, grace, and understanding toward God, because, I DONT! I look around and am jealous of my friends on facebook who are my age, they are married and have met the love of their life, and here I am 29 years old and still completely alone. They have children, and with all of my health problems, one very difficult statement the doctors have made is that I may never be able to have children of my own. I LOVE children and have dreamed of being a mom for YEARS of my life, and while I am SO HAPPY for my friends, I dont understand why God doesnt think Im worthy of these things and bless me with them as well. I question alot how God can allow people who have dedicated their lives to his service to suffer from cancer like my mother, who has been THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN I have EVER KNOWN in my life. Why does he allow children to suffer with illness and pain and die? Why does he allow parents to go through the pain of loosing a baby? Why do I have to have all these health problems in my life and feel like I cant be myself anymore?
I have had alot of these questions lately. I am such a bubbly and outgoing person, but October, it takes that away from me. I want to spend time with my friends, I want to live like a 2o something, instead of worrying about my health issues all the time. I want to have a job that pays me what I should be making after working my butt off to get a BA, instead of struggling to make ends meet every paycheck. I want to be happy. I want my friends not to feel the pain of the things that they have had to go through!
But you know what, my friend Shannon said some amazing things in her senior chapel after loosing her babies, she allowed God to use her pain to bring people closer to him. Her notes from that chapel are STILL BEING USED in sermons today because out of that pain, she allowed God to make her a stronger woman! Meggan and her family now host a walk every year in honor of her sister. Meggans mother has started an organization to bring the light of Christ to people through a tragic situation. A mother who lost her baby shared that even for only the 4 months, she would have still done it all again just for the joy of knowing him.
You see, its AMAZING, our God loves us so much that he takes the time and cares so much about our well being, that he literally puts trials in our lives sometimes, just so that we can be closer to him. HE LONGS for us to know him more, he desires our souls, our hearts, our lives! He WANTS US! He pursues us. As I reflect lately, I realize that all these trials, all this "stuff", has made me draw closer to God! The questions, they make me seek answers and as I seek those answers, I learn more about the God that loves me unconditionally.
I am THANKFUL this October. Thankful for my mom being in remission of cancer! Thankful that I have the ability and chance to spend these days with my father and that I am able to help him and care for him! Thankful for the friends that I have in my life. Thankful that I know that if we can make it through the pain of the valley, the beauty of the mountain is a gift that we can not even begin to imagine!!! God has a plan and I get to take it step by step as he leads me. Right now those steps were, move back home, work at a daycare, move in with your father, take care of your father, cherish the moments you have with your family, cherish your friendships, QUIT SELLING YOURSELF SHORT and see HOW AMAZING YOU ARE, because youre a creation of Christ!!!
I am going to allow myself to be a new creation in Christ and be used of him daily. Through the good and the bad, HE IS THE SAME GOD, yesterday, today, and FOREVER! And he is the God I am committed to serving, and knowing more and more each day.
Well, okay it all started at Red Rock Camp this summer. God began to speak to me about some changes he wanted to make in my life. To be honest, it happened back last October. I had sensed God leading me to move to a job I had been offered in Sumner Iowa to be a full time church secretary and youth pastor. This was AFTER my mother had been suffering from some very difficult health problems and I had been caring for her and my father. I felt selfish for leaving, but my brother, his wife, and I got things in order for mom and dad and I made the 3 hour move to Northeast Iowa. I learned alot about myself in the year I was there. First of all, I lived in an apartment BY MYSELF for the first time in my life!! I learned that while I HATED IT! I could do it and make it on my own, which was something I was always scared of and not sure I could do. I began to make some friends in Sumner and grew close to the youth.
In the beginning of the winter season in Sumner, shortly after Christmas, I was getting ready to take my kids on a ski trip when I recieved the call that my father had recieved the news that my mother had cancer. At this point in time, they thought it was spinal cancer in very advanced stages and did not give us a lot of hope on her prognosis. I somehow gained my composure and took my youth group on their trip after that point, and then made arangements to travel home to see my mother, meet with doctors, etc. NOT AN EASY thing to go through and let me just tell you CANCER SUCKS!!!!! ALOT!!!! However, we were lucky, we found out that moms cancer was not the spinal cancer they thought it was. We found out that it was Lymphoma and that it was not only treatable, but the one kind of cancer that many doctors will use the word curable when describing it.
It is now October and while my mother is still trying to regain the use of her legs, and is still going through some other health issues, HER CANCER IS IN COMPLETE REMISSION AND SHE HAS HOPE OF REGAINING SOME USE OF HER LEGS!!!! God is good and even in a tough situation, he drew us closer to him! I went back to Sumner after she began chemotherapy and it was SO DIFFICULT! My father was completely alone back in Oskaloosa. He was travelling with her to her appointments and bearing much of the weight of this on his own. It was while I was at Red Rock that God began to speak to me about having something different he wanted me to do.
To be honest, at first I thought he was calling me to move further away from my family. Maybe he wanted me to move to the cities where I had alot of friends and there were more opportunities for work and ministry. I continued to pray and I knew he wasnt calling me to the cities, but I knew he was calling me out of Sumner. Then my dad began to share with me how lonely he really was, how tough it really was for him to be alone with no family close by. I went back home for a few days after directing a camp at the end of the summer. It was then, as I was visiting my father, that God made it clear to me. What he was asking me to do, what he was calling me to do, was to move back home to Oskaloosa. He would provide a job for me, not one that would pay much, but I would get by until he was ready to provide more. He would provide a home for me, not in ways I would understand, but he would and I had to just trust him.
The part that was hard was understanding why he had called me to Sumner in the first place, just to call me back home a year later. I wasnt sure I was ready to listen, until my health began to decline. At this point, my doctors highly encouraged that I move back home while they got it back on track. My thyroid was severely out of whack, my blood sugars were too high, my blood presssure was too high, bottom line, I needed to get my medicines under control and I needed to be close to my doctors. I also needed to be closer to my family. I needed to help my father and I needed his help as I went through some of this medical stuff as well.
SO.....I put it in Gods hands, I made the choice, and I moved! It happened VERY FAST! I was offered a job, the DAY I applied! Not much pay,but enough to make ends meet for the first few months I was here until I got on my feet and could find something else. God then provided a place to live....well, let me back up. First, I tried to do it on my own. I got mixed up into A VERY BAD apartment situation, I lost money on the deal and was VERY UNSAFE, BUT God protected me through it all and then unfolded his plan.
You see, my dad, was ready to move to a house, he was getting tired of his apartment, and while we know that it is not hopeful that my mother will move back home, if we got her to a nursing home in Oskaloosa, she COULD come visit if we lived in the right place. Living in his apartment, he would not have the hope of her visiting him there. He also didnt have a yard or a place he could sit outside and enjoy the weather. He felt cooped up. My moving back, gave us both a chance to find a place together. So we found a perfect little house. and now we are there together. He has someone so he doesnt have to be alone and I can care for him the way he needs. And I have someone to talk to as well. My dad was beginning to have some of his own health issues as well. This was God ordained, even though it was difficult to see at the time.
My health, after 2 months of VERY CRAPPY STUFF, has finally started to show improvement! my blood pressure and blood sugars have evened out! I have lost about 40 pounds and am on my way to loosing alot more :) and my hormones are evening out as well! This part takes a little bit more time than the rest of the stuff unfortunetly :( But at least improvments are on their way!
I have been sitting here thinking for the past few months that I dont really understand God. I try so hard to understand, to "get it", to "wrap my brain around it", but I just plain cant do it. and then a comment that I said to my small group girls at camp comes to my mind, "I dont want to serve a God that I can wrap my head around, he just wouldnt be big enough then". Somehow I think saying that and believing and living it, are 2 VERY DIFFERENT THINGS :)
October is a month of reflection for me, my bestfriend Meggans sister and her boyfriend were killed in a car accident in October, they were so young and understanding it is just very difficult and I dont know that we are meant to. My bestfriend Shannon, who is more like a sister to me, would have 5 year old twins right now had she not lost them before they even had a chance to enter the world. Its in October that I moved to Sumner and left my family for the first time in my life, and went through some very difficult trials COMPLETELY ALONE. And just this week, my bestfriend Shannon had a friend who lost a baby boy that was just 4 months old. I didnt know her personally, but I still am speechless while trying to understand what she is going through.
I would be lying if I told you that I handle all of this with joy, strength, grace, and understanding toward God, because, I DONT! I look around and am jealous of my friends on facebook who are my age, they are married and have met the love of their life, and here I am 29 years old and still completely alone. They have children, and with all of my health problems, one very difficult statement the doctors have made is that I may never be able to have children of my own. I LOVE children and have dreamed of being a mom for YEARS of my life, and while I am SO HAPPY for my friends, I dont understand why God doesnt think Im worthy of these things and bless me with them as well. I question alot how God can allow people who have dedicated their lives to his service to suffer from cancer like my mother, who has been THE MOST AMAZING WOMAN I have EVER KNOWN in my life. Why does he allow children to suffer with illness and pain and die? Why does he allow parents to go through the pain of loosing a baby? Why do I have to have all these health problems in my life and feel like I cant be myself anymore?
I have had alot of these questions lately. I am such a bubbly and outgoing person, but October, it takes that away from me. I want to spend time with my friends, I want to live like a 2o something, instead of worrying about my health issues all the time. I want to have a job that pays me what I should be making after working my butt off to get a BA, instead of struggling to make ends meet every paycheck. I want to be happy. I want my friends not to feel the pain of the things that they have had to go through!
But you know what, my friend Shannon said some amazing things in her senior chapel after loosing her babies, she allowed God to use her pain to bring people closer to him. Her notes from that chapel are STILL BEING USED in sermons today because out of that pain, she allowed God to make her a stronger woman! Meggan and her family now host a walk every year in honor of her sister. Meggans mother has started an organization to bring the light of Christ to people through a tragic situation. A mother who lost her baby shared that even for only the 4 months, she would have still done it all again just for the joy of knowing him.
You see, its AMAZING, our God loves us so much that he takes the time and cares so much about our well being, that he literally puts trials in our lives sometimes, just so that we can be closer to him. HE LONGS for us to know him more, he desires our souls, our hearts, our lives! He WANTS US! He pursues us. As I reflect lately, I realize that all these trials, all this "stuff", has made me draw closer to God! The questions, they make me seek answers and as I seek those answers, I learn more about the God that loves me unconditionally.
I am THANKFUL this October. Thankful for my mom being in remission of cancer! Thankful that I have the ability and chance to spend these days with my father and that I am able to help him and care for him! Thankful for the friends that I have in my life. Thankful that I know that if we can make it through the pain of the valley, the beauty of the mountain is a gift that we can not even begin to imagine!!! God has a plan and I get to take it step by step as he leads me. Right now those steps were, move back home, work at a daycare, move in with your father, take care of your father, cherish the moments you have with your family, cherish your friendships, QUIT SELLING YOURSELF SHORT and see HOW AMAZING YOU ARE, because youre a creation of Christ!!!
I am going to allow myself to be a new creation in Christ and be used of him daily. Through the good and the bad, HE IS THE SAME GOD, yesterday, today, and FOREVER! And he is the God I am committed to serving, and knowing more and more each day.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Royal Family Kids Camp and LIfe Changes....
This past week, I had amazing opportunity to go and work at Royal Family Kids Camp. This was something I was very excited about, many of you who know me well, know that camp is something that I LOVE!!! Since college that is my summer, counseling at camps, working with youth, I just love it!!! My dream job, other than the one I have right of being a full time youth pastor, would be to work as a camp director. Giving children and youth a chance to have a great week of their lives. I would have camps for children with disabilities, children with terminal illnesses, children who are families of those with terminal illnesses, regular camps, and camps like the one I just went to. That would be my dream.
This week, at Royal Family Kids Camp, 100% of the children attending are from abused and neglected homes. And they are all from our state! All from the very areas that we live in every day of our lives, what a mission field, that we sometimes forget is even there! I love these children so much, my heart broke for them as we were working at camp this week. It was alot harder for me than I thought it would be. I guess I kind of went into this camp thinking arrogantly to be honest. Thinking, oh well I have done camps since college, I can handle this and it will be just fine. Boy was I wrong!!! This camp changed my life in ways I never even dreamed it would.
First of all, to sit at night with a little girl and sing her to sleep was just awesome! She had never been sung to sleep before and she just loved it :) and so did I! One night, I had to hold back tears as I thought about how, for Bryan and I, this was an every night occurance, my mom would come into Bryans room first, rub his back and sing and then he would drift off to sleep, then it was my turn, I took much longer, because I loved it so much, I loved to sing with her, it was one my favorite parts of the day and a memory I still treasure to this day, and now, God gave me a chance, even if only for 5 days, to give that memory to this little girl! How awesome is that? She was the sweetest thing too.
I conquored some pretty big fears this week too, I got in the pool 4 times! Which, for me, is a HUGE deal, because I HATE SWIMMING! Mainly, because I dont know how and it just plain scares me! But to see the faces of those girls light up when I got in the pool to swim with them and play with them, it was worth every tear that I shed trying to face the fear. and now, I actually enjoy the pool! and look forward to going back and maybe even learning how to actually swim!!
Another part of camp was truly seeing myself in God eyes, you see, I struggle daily with my self esteem. Partly because of horrible people from my past and mean things they said, I had a GREAT family, I just didnt always have great friends or relationships. People can be cruel, and I feel like it is some kind of sickness that satan uses on me, but I remember almost every mean and hurtful thing that has ever been said to me, as I have shared in past blogs. Getting past that has been hard, but God reminded me that just as he loves these kids and gives them new names and sees them in ways that they cant even imagine, he sees that beauty in me too. Using my gifts this week helped me see that. I got to help with music, sing, make up actions, have fun, and the kids embraced that and it was awesome! I got to see myself through the lens of God, even for just a second, and the beauty I saw was hard for me to accept or believe. How could God really see me that way? How could these kids see me that way? But they did, just as I saw their beauty, they saw mine and we shared in it together. Same with many of the staff, we saw this beauty that we may have never seen in one another before and it was AWESOME! We lived this week the way God intended for us to live and I miss it!
Leaving and coming back was very tough. To hear one child say to his counselor, "please take me home with you, please, if I come and live with you, at least I wont be locked in a closet" to see another child grab handfuls of cookies before he left the church because he didnt know when he would be fed again. To see the faces of these kids as their parents came to get them and they didnt even hug or smile after not seeing their child for a week. To see one mom grab the arm of her child and say lets get going while the child tried to say good bye to her counselor. To see the faces of some of the kids as they went back into their shells as soon as we arrived home, THAT WAS HEARTBREAKING!
These kids deserve to live the life we gave them for a week all year round. They deserve 3 good meals a day, attention from adults, love and care, a bath everyday. I know that I realize how great I had it now. I knew it before, but its just so much more real now. I have memories of my mom bringing treats to school, cookies made speical for each child with their name written on them, singing us to sleep every night, birthday parties at adventureland, happy joes, mc donalds and other fun places, fishing every summer with my dad, playing catch with my daddy and brother every summer. Sledding with them in the winter and then coming back in the house with hot chocolate and cookies that my mom had made. Christmases with lots of presents, movies and an amazing dinner. I could go on and on. and all of this, topped off by saying that EVERYDAY, at least once, if not mulitiple times a day, my mom and dad hugged me and told me they loved me! and so did my brother. (okay, not in high school, we were too cool then) :) But I had all this blessing and I missed it sometimes by wishing I had more.
I am so thankful that out of all I have been given, I was able to give back just a little bit. THat hopefully, through my blessings, I was able to bless some children this week as well! God is good, and he is going to be with those kids even when we cant! But I sure do miss them and wish I could do more!!!!
This week, at Royal Family Kids Camp, 100% of the children attending are from abused and neglected homes. And they are all from our state! All from the very areas that we live in every day of our lives, what a mission field, that we sometimes forget is even there! I love these children so much, my heart broke for them as we were working at camp this week. It was alot harder for me than I thought it would be. I guess I kind of went into this camp thinking arrogantly to be honest. Thinking, oh well I have done camps since college, I can handle this and it will be just fine. Boy was I wrong!!! This camp changed my life in ways I never even dreamed it would.
First of all, to sit at night with a little girl and sing her to sleep was just awesome! She had never been sung to sleep before and she just loved it :) and so did I! One night, I had to hold back tears as I thought about how, for Bryan and I, this was an every night occurance, my mom would come into Bryans room first, rub his back and sing and then he would drift off to sleep, then it was my turn, I took much longer, because I loved it so much, I loved to sing with her, it was one my favorite parts of the day and a memory I still treasure to this day, and now, God gave me a chance, even if only for 5 days, to give that memory to this little girl! How awesome is that? She was the sweetest thing too.
I conquored some pretty big fears this week too, I got in the pool 4 times! Which, for me, is a HUGE deal, because I HATE SWIMMING! Mainly, because I dont know how and it just plain scares me! But to see the faces of those girls light up when I got in the pool to swim with them and play with them, it was worth every tear that I shed trying to face the fear. and now, I actually enjoy the pool! and look forward to going back and maybe even learning how to actually swim!!
Another part of camp was truly seeing myself in God eyes, you see, I struggle daily with my self esteem. Partly because of horrible people from my past and mean things they said, I had a GREAT family, I just didnt always have great friends or relationships. People can be cruel, and I feel like it is some kind of sickness that satan uses on me, but I remember almost every mean and hurtful thing that has ever been said to me, as I have shared in past blogs. Getting past that has been hard, but God reminded me that just as he loves these kids and gives them new names and sees them in ways that they cant even imagine, he sees that beauty in me too. Using my gifts this week helped me see that. I got to help with music, sing, make up actions, have fun, and the kids embraced that and it was awesome! I got to see myself through the lens of God, even for just a second, and the beauty I saw was hard for me to accept or believe. How could God really see me that way? How could these kids see me that way? But they did, just as I saw their beauty, they saw mine and we shared in it together. Same with many of the staff, we saw this beauty that we may have never seen in one another before and it was AWESOME! We lived this week the way God intended for us to live and I miss it!
Leaving and coming back was very tough. To hear one child say to his counselor, "please take me home with you, please, if I come and live with you, at least I wont be locked in a closet" to see another child grab handfuls of cookies before he left the church because he didnt know when he would be fed again. To see the faces of these kids as their parents came to get them and they didnt even hug or smile after not seeing their child for a week. To see one mom grab the arm of her child and say lets get going while the child tried to say good bye to her counselor. To see the faces of some of the kids as they went back into their shells as soon as we arrived home, THAT WAS HEARTBREAKING!
These kids deserve to live the life we gave them for a week all year round. They deserve 3 good meals a day, attention from adults, love and care, a bath everyday. I know that I realize how great I had it now. I knew it before, but its just so much more real now. I have memories of my mom bringing treats to school, cookies made speical for each child with their name written on them, singing us to sleep every night, birthday parties at adventureland, happy joes, mc donalds and other fun places, fishing every summer with my dad, playing catch with my daddy and brother every summer. Sledding with them in the winter and then coming back in the house with hot chocolate and cookies that my mom had made. Christmases with lots of presents, movies and an amazing dinner. I could go on and on. and all of this, topped off by saying that EVERYDAY, at least once, if not mulitiple times a day, my mom and dad hugged me and told me they loved me! and so did my brother. (okay, not in high school, we were too cool then) :) But I had all this blessing and I missed it sometimes by wishing I had more.
I am so thankful that out of all I have been given, I was able to give back just a little bit. THat hopefully, through my blessings, I was able to bless some children this week as well! God is good, and he is going to be with those kids even when we cant! But I sure do miss them and wish I could do more!!!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
The Prodigal Son
Luke 15:11-32- Most of you know the story of the Prodigal son, in short, a son who had a very good life with his family, decided he wanted more, became greedy and asked his father to give him his inheritance early. The father, being loving, but wanting his son to have free choice, gave him his inheritance, the son went, to a city, in my mind, something like that of Vegas (although Ive never been there, just the name, "sin city") that concept is what comes to my mind. He spends all of his money and is forced to have a job in the pig pen feeding livestock and he barely has enough to live on, he goes back to his fathers farm, asking not for his fathers love, but just to be able to be hired as one of his men, the father takes him in his arms and welcomes him home, he actually ran to his son and held him close.
This is an amazing picture of what God does for us....but let me tell you why Im sharing it, lately I have been facinated with this story. I have always liked it, because it reminds me some what of my brother and I. I, being the older son in this story, which is half accurate, except I am the daughter and I am my daddys little princess :) but I digress.....the point is, these boys are so different, much like Bryan and I.
Allow me to take you to our childhood a little bit, I am 2 and 1/2 years old than Bryan, the day he came home from the hospital, I really was not happy, I was happy being the "only pebble on the beach", as my parents say. I loved the attention and really had no desire to share it. However, about a week in, Bryan became my beloved bestfriend, and I became, what I have lovingly been referred to in my family ever since, "the mother hen". I loved to boss Bryan around, I loved to dress him in my little dresses (sorry to embarrass you Bryan, but you have some stories like this about me too:)), but most of all, I just loved to have talks with him. As we grew up our rooms were right across the hall from each other, and we would often talk to each other late at night about things of the day and we became, as I said, bestfriends....but what reminds me of us in the story of the prodigal son goes far deeper. First, I imagine these brothers being close like Bryan and I were, at least I think it would be nice if that were the case.
But as I said, Bryan and I are also very different people. From the day I was born, I have been very clingy to people, and I have HATED to be alone. I still do. When I was a baby, my mom would rock me and I would fall fast asleep, but the minute she laid me down and left the room, I cried, I hated the idea of being in there alone. When it was time to play, I needed someone to play with toys with me, I didnt want to do it alone. My brother on the other hand, very much a low maintence child. He would take his bottle at night, and let mom hold him for a few minutes, for her satisfaction more than his it would seem, and then he wanted to be left alone, lay him in his crib, leave the room, he needed his alone time. When he got older, he loved playing with his toys alone, he loved to entertian himself and he liked his space. TOTAL OPPOSITES the two of us.
As life went on, you see it even more. I am much more of a people pleaser than my brother is. He loves people and cares for them very much, but, he doesnt care about what they think as much as I do. He was able to laugh and let things roll of his back, much easier than I when people would say hurtful things, I only wish I could. and he was able to know that those that did love him, were what mattered. I will never forget the day that I came home just bawling from some hurtful words someone said at school, my mom held me and cried with me, never wanting me to feel this pain, and Bryan, being only 4 at the time, came up to me and said "Sissy, I will always love you, no matter what." I have never forgotten that, because he has always been true to his word. He cared about me, and he wanted his words to mean more to me than the mean ones did.
I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk about the Prodigal Son today, he put this into 2 categories, the rebellious (younger son) and the regious (older son), both having many problems, neither one fully living in the right. You see, this is where Bryan and I differ too, not now, back then. I always wanted to follow the rules, I never even had a desire to try things that were wrong, and I very rarely wanted to do anything that might even remotely be sin. That was my life as a Christian, even up into high school, life as clean as I can, follow all the rules, so that God wont get mad at me and will still love me.
Bryan, was not a bad guy, by any means, and the man that he is today is someone who I am deeply proud of, God has used him and transformed him in ways that I can not even begin to describe to you. But if you were to look at this story, in our high school years, Bryan would have been the younger son.
But as I said, neither one of the sons were right. Much like in our story, and at times in our lives, I think Bryan and I have switched roles, he the religious and I the rebellious. You see, the rebellious son, he out right was sinning, his sin was all over on the outside, you could see it, I picture him as strung out on drugs, his clothes are dirty, he has lost alot of weight, he just looks like the filth he has filled his life with. When people look at him, they see his sin, right out there, no denying it, no hiding it, its there.
Now the religous guy, his sin is on the inside. He may have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside his heart is judgmental, he thinks he is better than those around him, because outwardly he looks the part. He is sething with anger and envy toward his brother. His heart and mind are filled with thoughts of anger and impurity. You see, while he doesnt look fithy on the outside, on the inside, he looks AWFUL! And he, is living in just as much sin as his brother. Both of them equally bad, neither one of them living a life that shows they have been redeemed by grace.
Mark Driscoll put it this way, and Im not sure if I agree, he said that neither one of these sons actually loved their father, they were just using him. I dont know, I wasnt in their hearts, but by looking at them and their story, one could come to this assumption. They did all these hurtful things to their father, and as long as they had something to gain from him, they continued to use him. I wonder, do we do the same thing to our heavenly father?
This week I have had the chance of babysitting, alot, all the kids great kids, all wonderful parents as well. Yesterday, I was with Issac, Sophie, and Zekers (Ezekiel), and we watched the Wonderful World of HA'S, Veggie Tales take on the Wizard of Oz :) The story was all about the prodigal son, as Junior Asparagus realized he had spent all his money and felt his father could never forgive him for all he had done, and he walked back and his father scooped him up in his "arms" (they are vegetables, no arms :)) but as this scene continued, I got a little teary, realizing thats what God does for me.
Living with children now, as my roommate has 2 children of her own, that she shares with her husband, I have been learning alot of lessons lately. But we sat and talked about Easter together and my friend Tiffany looked at her daughter Emily and said, "Emmy, Jesus did all that for you", as we watched a scene of him dying on the cross. Tears streamed down my face, I guess I had never thought about it in those words before, in the way a child can understand it, it was as if God was speaking to me through Tiffany, which I believe he was, as she said this to Emily, Jesus said to me, "Becky, I did that for you, I love you".
You see, being the relgious one, I have know all the right answers for most of my life, I have done the right things alot, I have done alot for Jesus, but what does it all mean? You see, the rebellious son, he had a chance to see it, first hand, his father scooped him up and said, I love you son, Welcome Home!
I want that too! My brother, as I said before has had an amazing transformation in life, and I am so thankful I have had the chance to see it and even get to be a small part of it. I got the chance to see his prodigal son moment. He turned his life back to Christ, after a time of my praying for him and many others too, as I saw it, tears streamed down my face. He knew God loved him and he was accepting it, he has NEVER turned back, God has transformed him, he scooped him up, wiped his tears, and held him close, and now when people look at Bryan, they are able to see Christ. In fact, he is a missionary now, he is living daily to serve the God that changed his life.
I want that too, I want people to see Christ when they look at me, I want to be so affected and transformed by his love that I cant help but share it with those around me. We are all the prodigal son, or the older son, or both, but all of us are sinners in need of saving by grace. Today, will you allow God to scoop you up in his arms and hold you and forgive you and welcome you back to his family? Im thankful I did, and I praise God everyday that my baby brother did and that because of our choices, many more will have the chance to be accepted by these arms as well.
I love you all.
Becky
This is an amazing picture of what God does for us....but let me tell you why Im sharing it, lately I have been facinated with this story. I have always liked it, because it reminds me some what of my brother and I. I, being the older son in this story, which is half accurate, except I am the daughter and I am my daddys little princess :) but I digress.....the point is, these boys are so different, much like Bryan and I.
Allow me to take you to our childhood a little bit, I am 2 and 1/2 years old than Bryan, the day he came home from the hospital, I really was not happy, I was happy being the "only pebble on the beach", as my parents say. I loved the attention and really had no desire to share it. However, about a week in, Bryan became my beloved bestfriend, and I became, what I have lovingly been referred to in my family ever since, "the mother hen". I loved to boss Bryan around, I loved to dress him in my little dresses (sorry to embarrass you Bryan, but you have some stories like this about me too:)), but most of all, I just loved to have talks with him. As we grew up our rooms were right across the hall from each other, and we would often talk to each other late at night about things of the day and we became, as I said, bestfriends....but what reminds me of us in the story of the prodigal son goes far deeper. First, I imagine these brothers being close like Bryan and I were, at least I think it would be nice if that were the case.
But as I said, Bryan and I are also very different people. From the day I was born, I have been very clingy to people, and I have HATED to be alone. I still do. When I was a baby, my mom would rock me and I would fall fast asleep, but the minute she laid me down and left the room, I cried, I hated the idea of being in there alone. When it was time to play, I needed someone to play with toys with me, I didnt want to do it alone. My brother on the other hand, very much a low maintence child. He would take his bottle at night, and let mom hold him for a few minutes, for her satisfaction more than his it would seem, and then he wanted to be left alone, lay him in his crib, leave the room, he needed his alone time. When he got older, he loved playing with his toys alone, he loved to entertian himself and he liked his space. TOTAL OPPOSITES the two of us.
As life went on, you see it even more. I am much more of a people pleaser than my brother is. He loves people and cares for them very much, but, he doesnt care about what they think as much as I do. He was able to laugh and let things roll of his back, much easier than I when people would say hurtful things, I only wish I could. and he was able to know that those that did love him, were what mattered. I will never forget the day that I came home just bawling from some hurtful words someone said at school, my mom held me and cried with me, never wanting me to feel this pain, and Bryan, being only 4 at the time, came up to me and said "Sissy, I will always love you, no matter what." I have never forgotten that, because he has always been true to his word. He cared about me, and he wanted his words to mean more to me than the mean ones did.
I was listening to Mark Driscoll talk about the Prodigal Son today, he put this into 2 categories, the rebellious (younger son) and the regious (older son), both having many problems, neither one fully living in the right. You see, this is where Bryan and I differ too, not now, back then. I always wanted to follow the rules, I never even had a desire to try things that were wrong, and I very rarely wanted to do anything that might even remotely be sin. That was my life as a Christian, even up into high school, life as clean as I can, follow all the rules, so that God wont get mad at me and will still love me.
Bryan, was not a bad guy, by any means, and the man that he is today is someone who I am deeply proud of, God has used him and transformed him in ways that I can not even begin to describe to you. But if you were to look at this story, in our high school years, Bryan would have been the younger son.
But as I said, neither one of the sons were right. Much like in our story, and at times in our lives, I think Bryan and I have switched roles, he the religious and I the rebellious. You see, the rebellious son, he out right was sinning, his sin was all over on the outside, you could see it, I picture him as strung out on drugs, his clothes are dirty, he has lost alot of weight, he just looks like the filth he has filled his life with. When people look at him, they see his sin, right out there, no denying it, no hiding it, its there.
Now the religous guy, his sin is on the inside. He may have it all put together on the outside, but on the inside his heart is judgmental, he thinks he is better than those around him, because outwardly he looks the part. He is sething with anger and envy toward his brother. His heart and mind are filled with thoughts of anger and impurity. You see, while he doesnt look fithy on the outside, on the inside, he looks AWFUL! And he, is living in just as much sin as his brother. Both of them equally bad, neither one of them living a life that shows they have been redeemed by grace.
Mark Driscoll put it this way, and Im not sure if I agree, he said that neither one of these sons actually loved their father, they were just using him. I dont know, I wasnt in their hearts, but by looking at them and their story, one could come to this assumption. They did all these hurtful things to their father, and as long as they had something to gain from him, they continued to use him. I wonder, do we do the same thing to our heavenly father?
This week I have had the chance of babysitting, alot, all the kids great kids, all wonderful parents as well. Yesterday, I was with Issac, Sophie, and Zekers (Ezekiel), and we watched the Wonderful World of HA'S, Veggie Tales take on the Wizard of Oz :) The story was all about the prodigal son, as Junior Asparagus realized he had spent all his money and felt his father could never forgive him for all he had done, and he walked back and his father scooped him up in his "arms" (they are vegetables, no arms :)) but as this scene continued, I got a little teary, realizing thats what God does for me.
Living with children now, as my roommate has 2 children of her own, that she shares with her husband, I have been learning alot of lessons lately. But we sat and talked about Easter together and my friend Tiffany looked at her daughter Emily and said, "Emmy, Jesus did all that for you", as we watched a scene of him dying on the cross. Tears streamed down my face, I guess I had never thought about it in those words before, in the way a child can understand it, it was as if God was speaking to me through Tiffany, which I believe he was, as she said this to Emily, Jesus said to me, "Becky, I did that for you, I love you".
You see, being the relgious one, I have know all the right answers for most of my life, I have done the right things alot, I have done alot for Jesus, but what does it all mean? You see, the rebellious son, he had a chance to see it, first hand, his father scooped him up and said, I love you son, Welcome Home!
I want that too! My brother, as I said before has had an amazing transformation in life, and I am so thankful I have had the chance to see it and even get to be a small part of it. I got the chance to see his prodigal son moment. He turned his life back to Christ, after a time of my praying for him and many others too, as I saw it, tears streamed down my face. He knew God loved him and he was accepting it, he has NEVER turned back, God has transformed him, he scooped him up, wiped his tears, and held him close, and now when people look at Bryan, they are able to see Christ. In fact, he is a missionary now, he is living daily to serve the God that changed his life.
I want that too, I want people to see Christ when they look at me, I want to be so affected and transformed by his love that I cant help but share it with those around me. We are all the prodigal son, or the older son, or both, but all of us are sinners in need of saving by grace. Today, will you allow God to scoop you up in his arms and hold you and forgive you and welcome you back to his family? Im thankful I did, and I praise God everyday that my baby brother did and that because of our choices, many more will have the chance to be accepted by these arms as well.
I love you all.
Becky
Monday, April 25, 2011
Judge not lest ye be judged
There are days where I hate living in a small town. Very few, but they are there. Most of the time, I LOVE it, and I couldnt handle city life, but today, this morning to be exact, I was reminded of why I hate it. I went in to the local convience store and was grabbing some breakfast, I grabbed an orange juice, a chocolate milk, a piece of bacon breakfast pizza, a long john donut, and a package of those small little donuts too. Okay, now that being the only information I have given you, you probably have the same look on your face that the judgmental lady at the counter gave me. But you see, here is what you dont know and what she didnt know either, and had she known, maybe then the opinion she had of me would have changed. My bestfriend here in Sumner is Trista. I have only known her since October, but she is amazing!! She has 6 children and she is a great mom. One of her children had been admitted to the hospital the night before with RSV and Pneumonia, and I was grabbing some of her and her daughters favorites for breakfast this morning to take with me to the hospital. The food on the counter was not for my consumption at all, when this woman looked at me as though I was a fatty mc fatterson that would have been better off with an apple and some oatmeal, it hurt me, as most of the time judgment does.
Later on today, I got a phone call from my daddy who was hurt by comments from some of his friends about me not coming home for Easter. One person even made the comment that somehow I care more about my church than my mother. THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. In fact, being away from my parents for the first time in my life has been one of the hardest things in my life, it has been necessary and I have grown alot, but I miss them SO MUCH! You see, rather than asking my dad or me about why I wasnt home, opinions and judgments were made without any thought at all. I am a youth pastor and at our church the youth do a Sunrise Service and a breakfast on Easter Sunday morning, its a really big deal and as the youth pastor, I needed to be here for my youth group! Also, my bestfriend is having a baby this week, tomorrow to be exact and I have been setting up my visit home so I can see my mommy, my daddy, and the new baby all at the same time!
You see, the point I am making is this, we too many times are so quick to judge that we miss out on some great times to care for and encourage one another. This week, while I have been hurt by judgment, I think back to times where I have done the same thing. Maybe I didnt talk to someone because they were different, or I thought negative things about someone, without knowing their story at all.
During our Easter Service, the youth did 2 great skits. One of them was a human video to the song, "we are the body" by Casting Crowns. The words to this song are a good message for us to hear. Some of the words that stick out to me are, "Jesus paid much to high a price for us to pick and choose who we like, we are the body of Christ, if we are the Body, then why arent our arms reaching, why arent his hands healing, why arent his words teaching?" In the video the idea is that these people are sitting in church listening to the words, doing the motions, singing the songs, but when people in need come into the house of God and need love and care, they are judgmental, they are hurtful, and these people end up leaving, without ever hearing the message of Christ, because the actions of the people got in the way of the love of Christ.
I think sometimes, we are this same way, but if we are truly rooted in Christ and we say we are his people, we need to act as the Body of Christ, no judgment, no gossip, not hurting one another, but rather spurring one another on in love and encouragement.
Christ died on the cross for each of us. He loves us very much, with a love we cant even fathom, but if we truly love him and desire to serve him, our lives should reflect it,our hearts should be rid of this judgmental attitude entirely and replaced with Gods love and grace. I am going to try and live this way this week, and for weeks, months, and years to come, and I invite you to come and do the same. Lets do this thing together. Lets vow this week to put others before ourselves, and if we can do it for a week, we can do it for 2 and if we can do it for 2 we can do it for 3 and so on. The life that God has asked us to live, is not one that we are asked to live alone, in fact, God feels that is the worst thing, for us to be alone, its Biblical and the whole reason he created eve. So, lets start living this life together, making sure no one has to go through this thing alone.
As the song says, in High School Musical, I know cheesy, but you should expect this from me by now :) " Were all in this together"!!!
Later on today, I got a phone call from my daddy who was hurt by comments from some of his friends about me not coming home for Easter. One person even made the comment that somehow I care more about my church than my mother. THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. In fact, being away from my parents for the first time in my life has been one of the hardest things in my life, it has been necessary and I have grown alot, but I miss them SO MUCH! You see, rather than asking my dad or me about why I wasnt home, opinions and judgments were made without any thought at all. I am a youth pastor and at our church the youth do a Sunrise Service and a breakfast on Easter Sunday morning, its a really big deal and as the youth pastor, I needed to be here for my youth group! Also, my bestfriend is having a baby this week, tomorrow to be exact and I have been setting up my visit home so I can see my mommy, my daddy, and the new baby all at the same time!
You see, the point I am making is this, we too many times are so quick to judge that we miss out on some great times to care for and encourage one another. This week, while I have been hurt by judgment, I think back to times where I have done the same thing. Maybe I didnt talk to someone because they were different, or I thought negative things about someone, without knowing their story at all.
During our Easter Service, the youth did 2 great skits. One of them was a human video to the song, "we are the body" by Casting Crowns. The words to this song are a good message for us to hear. Some of the words that stick out to me are, "Jesus paid much to high a price for us to pick and choose who we like, we are the body of Christ, if we are the Body, then why arent our arms reaching, why arent his hands healing, why arent his words teaching?" In the video the idea is that these people are sitting in church listening to the words, doing the motions, singing the songs, but when people in need come into the house of God and need love and care, they are judgmental, they are hurtful, and these people end up leaving, without ever hearing the message of Christ, because the actions of the people got in the way of the love of Christ.
I think sometimes, we are this same way, but if we are truly rooted in Christ and we say we are his people, we need to act as the Body of Christ, no judgment, no gossip, not hurting one another, but rather spurring one another on in love and encouragement.
Christ died on the cross for each of us. He loves us very much, with a love we cant even fathom, but if we truly love him and desire to serve him, our lives should reflect it,our hearts should be rid of this judgmental attitude entirely and replaced with Gods love and grace. I am going to try and live this way this week, and for weeks, months, and years to come, and I invite you to come and do the same. Lets do this thing together. Lets vow this week to put others before ourselves, and if we can do it for a week, we can do it for 2 and if we can do it for 2 we can do it for 3 and so on. The life that God has asked us to live, is not one that we are asked to live alone, in fact, God feels that is the worst thing, for us to be alone, its Biblical and the whole reason he created eve. So, lets start living this life together, making sure no one has to go through this thing alone.
As the song says, in High School Musical, I know cheesy, but you should expect this from me by now :) " Were all in this together"!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Deep Dark Secret Time....wow, never thought Id share that!!!
Today has been a very weird day for me. As in, I have just been lost in my thoughts today. I mean I just have tons of stuff that is just running through my mind, all good stuff, alot of it God stuff, but its like I am living in another world or something. People come in to my office, I hold conversation with them, almost like they have come in and interupted this beautiful place that I really would rather stay in today. The phone rings and my teeth cringe as I know its my job to answer the phone, but dont these people know I have lots to think about today and dont want to be bothered by them? :O) Just Kidding.
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Feels Like Home....
Okay....so its been a while. sorry about that, well to the 9 of you that actually read this, I am sure you have been hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog :) ha ha ha....anyways.
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
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