dreams DO come true...

Okay....so I was thinking about writing this post several times this week, but I have just not had the time, so i figure while i am sitting and waiting to go on to the next thing tonight, i will take a few minutes and write the post.

i was watching my FAVORITE tv show in the world the other night, One Tree Hill. It is the season finale, and hopefully, there will be a season 7 this fall. That being said, there was alot of drama going on in the episode. Now, I am not going to recap the whole season for you, that is not the purpose of this post, not even a recap of the last episode, just a recap of the feelings I had while watching it :)

The whole show, I kept waiting for something bad to happen. I remember saying to my friend Sarah, there has to be something bad that happens, it cant all just be good and happy endings. Then my brother says, " Becky, it doesnt always have to be bad, just wait and see what happens". and it made me think. I go through life with much the same attitude. Okay, things are going really great, and instead of rejoicing in it and enjoying it, I am just waiting for the bad thing to happen that is inevitably around the corner.

But at the end, they recapped the show, and they said, " Believe that dreams do come true". lots of other things were said to, but this stuck out to me. You see in the episode, Brooke got the guy she had been dreaming of, but she had to put her heart out there, take all the risks and take a step of faith to see what was waiting on the other side and it was something AMAZING. Peyton was told that she could die if she delivered her baby, but she choose to give life to her child and in the end, she, her husband lucas and her baby, Sawyer Brooke, were living a happy life together.

All of these dreams and many more came true for others in the show as well. And as cheesy as it may be, it made me think ALOT. It made me realize that I really do need to start believeing that dreams DO come true. Life doesnt always HAVE to be bad and sometimes, when we least expect it, God is there, ready to make our dreams come true.

Work, Soccer, Pizza Ranch and that silly mix cd ....what a GREAT DAY!!!

So work. Well, I do LOVE my new job. working with babies is so much fun for me. I love feeding them and playing with them, changing them is not so much a LOVE, but I can tolerate it much more than I used to. But I am also learning alot at work. I have some great friendships there now. Friendships I am learning to love and cherish and its great to have that.

After work, it was off to a soccer game for Shiana. Shiana and Allison are going to be in middle school starting next school year and will start being in the new middle school program at church that I get to teach. And I have to say, IM SO EXCITED. These girls are AMAZING. Its nice to be looked upto and loved so much, a huge responsibility at times, but its so much fun too. Tomarrow night is Allies baseball game, and I CANT WAIT TO SURPRISE HER BY SHOWING UP!!!

then it was on to Pizza Ranch with Shiana and Allisons families and my brother and his friend, who is also Shianas older brother. We had a great time. Playing with the bouncy balls, eating delicious food, just fun, fun, fun :)

And then on my way home, I had a mix cd in that I had found the other day. I love listening to it. I have been jamming out to Backstreet Boys, NSync, and Clay Aiken :) And lots of memories come with it as well. Some hard to go through, some that make me laugh, but I have just enjoyed the mix cd, its not working very well now and skips ALOT, but I try to muddle through the great songs :)

Its been a long, and fun day :)

Letting Go...its not so bad!

Last night, my post had a little different flavor. I talked about how scared I have been lately. How scared I have been to take chances and risk being hurt AGAIN!! But today, I decided to make things different. It was a busy day, but it was fun. At 8 am, my mom and dad came over and we went to garage sales, it was ALOT of fun. I love spending quality time with them. My brother, Bryan, had to sing at a wedding, but when he was done, he called us and met up with us and we all went to lunch as a family and then came back to the apartment that my brother and I rent together and spent some time together as a family. It may not sound like much,but it made my day. Just seeing how much my parents love each other after 26 years of being married. and seeing how, even though they both had to wait and met and got married when they were older and had children when they were older, God has blessed our family in ways that I would NEVER change. We have been through some tough times together, but through it all, we have all been in it together. and it made me realize just how great of a person I really am because of my family. I have a big heart, i love singing and i have become the person that I am today, all because of them.

Later today, I got on the computer and had an unexpected note in my facebook inbox. One of the girls I have counseled at camps over the years sent me a very nice message. Now this girl was one of the tough ones, she seemed to hate me at times and was very unkind to me, she has grown up some now and so have I, but still, the note was very refreshing and unexpected. It was simply a note from seeing her last weekend when a bunch of us got together for a walk for Cistic Fibrosis to find a cure for 2 of my favorite kids in the world, Jack and Lanie. In the note, she stated that I looked different. That I seemed happier, that my skin looked amazing and that I looked great. Words of affirmation are HUGE to me, so it made my day, it took me aback, but it made my day. Then tonight, my brother and I went to see some of our friends in One Act Plays and then Smokey Row, a lot of people kept commenting on how cute I looked and how great I looked. I got the chance to sing with Bryan and that led to more people telling me how amazing my voice was. I love singing, because of the gift that God has given me, sometimes I feel highly unworthy of it, but Im thankful for it EVERYDAY.

But all this got me thinking, maybe I do have something offer. Maybe there is something there for someone to love and be attracted to. Maybe I am pretty. Maybe I have talents and abilities that would attract someone to me. Maybe I would be a good girlfriend to someone. Maybe I would make a good wife someday. Maybe I would even make a great mom someday. Maybe I am someone to be proud of.

Still working through it, but Im working on it. Letting Go!

scared...

okay...so this summer, God really blessed me with some words to some incredible songs about the things he has led me through and how he has been with me through them all. One of the songs I wrote is called Letting Go. Here are the words:

Letting Go:

Im standing in this place and Ive been here so many times before
Im holding on to things
Im just so scared to let them go
I dont think I can do this at all.

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
and I cant wait to see the other side.

Ive felt this way for many years
I feel as though Ive shed this tears before
At times I dont know how Ill change
or maybe I will always feel this way

This fear it paralyzes me
This weakness overtakes me
My hands are numb from holding on so tight

But now its time
Im letting go
Where he will take me, I dont know
All I know is this peace, that he has placed inside
So here I am
Im letting go
And I cant wait to see the other side.

Im letting go....and I cant wait to see whats on the other side.

I thought about this song today,because lately, my fear has really paralyzed me in some ways that are difficult for me.

I dont like to share about personal things much in my life, but since I know that only my close friends read this blog, or at least I hope that is the case, I am going to share. Not EVERY thing, just some of what has been going on.

Well, I have a fear of putting my heart out there again, I am talking about in relationships with guys. You see, my heart was broken once, and I often feel as though, its easier to just hold on tightly and not put it out there, than to risk it getting broken again. The pain and longing for someone in my life, the one that God has made for me, somehow seems easier to bear than the thought of allowing another person to break my heart and go through the pain again.

Well, these past few weeks, I feel as though God has been trying to get me to let go. First of all in my walk and life with him, to be honest with him and share things with him, and secondly to let go in a certain situation in my life.

I wont go in to great detail, but I will say that God has placed someone in my life that he is asking me to pray about. I have been praying and he has been opening doors, allowing me to see that this person is pursuing me. Tonight, this person invited me to spend sometime with he and some of his friends, I said sure and then went on about my day, he came back 2 or 3 times to confirm that I would come, and as I came home from work and got myself ready to go, I couldnt do it. I made up some excuses and I didnt go. I was scared. I thought, what happens if I go and he is just going to hurt me? The thing is, is that he wasnt mad at me at all. In fact, he was very understanding and instead of spending time with his friends, he spent the rest of the night texting with me, and assuring me that he was not angry with me.

Still, I find myself sitting here, scared. How does this dating thing work? What do I do on a date? How do I act? What do I say? Is there really anything there for him to like? Why would he pursue me? Doesnt he deserve someone better?

You see, my whole life, Ive always been the friend or the bestfriend or the little sister. I have never seen myself as the one that is worthy of being pursued, so now I find myself scared and confused. I want to show interest in someone, I want to put my heart out there again, but I dont want to risk it getting broken again. I want to love someone, I want to get married, I want to have my own children, I want to start a family. But what if Im not a good wife? What if Im a horrible mom? What if Im just not good enough for anyone and Im meant to be alone for the rest of my life?

You see, the "what ifs", they control my life right now. What if I went to hang out with him and his friends and they didnt like me? What if he decided I wasnt good enough? What if I looked really stupid? Im TIRED OF THE WHAT IFS!!! IM TIRED OF BEING SCARED!!! I want to let go!!!

I want some dreams to come true in my life. Im just tired of being SCARED.

a few of my favorite things....

so lately, one of my favorite times of the day is my 30 minute break from work. First of all, because I LOVE my new job and enjoy working at the daycare. and second of all, because at Headstart, where I worked before, I NEVER really got a break. I enjoy sitting in my car most days, sometimes eating a lunch, sometimes snacking on organic and healthy snack foods and sometimes just sitting in the silence and talking to God. Some days I read books, some days I read my Bible. but all days, I feel refreshed and feel that I have met with God, and even 30 minutes in his presence, changes me.

I love this new time in my life and growing. I love working with the babies and thinking about someday (hopefully soon) getting to meet my husband and start our own family. Which for me is good, because I have been scared to dream for so long, I had kind of forgotten about these dreams in my life, or had somehow told myself to push them away when they did come, because the reality of them coming true was not existent, so somehow believing it was just letting myself down. Yesterday, I sat and actually wrote in my journal some names of children that I like and would like to use someday when I have my own children. It was refreshing to dream again.

My health has been improving a great deal too. Less muscle pains, and alot of the hormonal issues that I was dealing with and concerns the doctors had, God has allowed my body to adjust and things are going really well for me right now. I praise God, that although this road of health issues has been long, almost 2 years now, he has been FAITHFUL to me. Faithful as I find out some medicines that work and some that dont work at all. Faithful as I felt so crappy some days, he was there with me. Faithful as I had to miss several days of work at a time a few times, my employers were all understanding. And faithful to provide for me, just when I need it most.

Im thankful I serve a great God and thankful I have made the time to spend with him lately.

The Fast is Over....but my new life with Christ has just begun!!

yesterday,was my first day being off of the fast. And I was excited....I mean to eat some of the foods that I had missed. I got to eat some chocolate ice cream cake with double fudge that some friends from church brought me, because they knew my fast broke. The people at work made a nice breakfast of eggs, sausage, and pancakes. And, there was a soup supper at church last night with pie too. I had a fun time....eating all the foods I had missed. However, I had a sadness in my heart as well. A sadness that my sacrificial time for Christ was done. But, its not. Some people I know, after they do a fast, they let life go back to the way it had been before, but I refuse to do that.

I still want to sit in my car everyday at lunch and read my Bible and do devotions, just to spend some extra time with God. I still want to be learning more about Christ and be in constant prayer about the issues of my life, and allowing him to be in complete control. I am his and he is mine and my relationship with him is important to me. Growing closer to him is the single most important thing in my life right now.

As I think about the fast and some of the things God has spoken to me, given to me, and shown me, I am thankful and amazed. I dont want this to be the end of God working in my life. and I dont want this to be the end of my treating my body with more respect as far as what I put into it and eating in a much more healthy manner.

God has been doing some great things. Speaking to me about new ministry opportunities and placing them right in my lap. Showing me who he wants me to be. and allowing me to realize that it is okay to dream again. I am learning so much about the character of our God, its funny, but its kind of like being in a new relationship. I look forward to my times with him. I get excited to learn something new about him. I long to have more time with him. And I long to show him how much I love him. I want EVERYTHING I do to be a time of serving Christ.

Also, I am learning that he really does have a perfect plan for me and allow there are days that I struggle to see why I am still in Oskaloosa, why I am still single, and why I am working at a daycare instead of full time youth ministry, he leads me, he shows me that he has a plan in mind for me. He is using me right where I am at. In a new middle school ministry, which is both scary and exciting all at the same time. he is using me to reach people at work, that would not otherwise be reached. He is using me, every time I let him.

I am so thankful to Christ for the great friends I have. The great ministry I have. and the great love that he shows me each day of my life.

Quit Playing Games With My Heart....

Sacrifice has some of the greatest rewards....

As I have been on this Daniel Fast, God has been speaking to me ALOT. He has been working in my life and has been drawing me closer to him. I am so thankful for that too. One of the things he has been doing is allowing me to look back on my life and see how far he has brought me and the ways he has made me into the person he wants me to be.
So, I was sitting in my car yesterday eating some fruit and veggies on my break from work and thinking about how much God has been doing. I put in a cd to listen to while I was eating. I grabbed one out of the glove compartment of my car and it turned out to be an old mix cd I had made for a guy I thought I was going to marry. I put it in, and began to listen. I actually began to cry.
Let me explain a little bit of our story. This guy, his name was Gary. Gary and I met in college. He was a Junior when I was a freshman. Gary and I were very good friends to begin with. We just hit it off right away. We would spend lots of time together, him playing his guitar, me singing. Sometimes we would do homework together or pray together. Gary learned to play some love songs on his guitar just for me. I remember that he made me feel special. I felt cherished, loved, worthy when he was around. When we spent time together, I felt like he cared about me alot. I remember one of the first things he ever did for me was learning to play, "Hopelessly Devoted" on his guitar for me. It was from the movie Grease. One day we were sitting at our college coffee house ministry and out of nowhere I burst into song, like I do quite often, and that was the song I chose. He worked on it for several weeks and for my birthday, he played it for me. I melted. I mean, I dont know about many other girls, but when you love to sing, and probably even if you dont, when a guy learns and plays a song just for you, its like "magic", amazingly every bad and horrible thing they have ever said or done is erased, and they are a prince.
Just a few months later, he learned another song for me, "When You Say Nothing At All" by Allison Krause. Now for those of you that are reading this, and you have been a part of my life for very long, you know that this is my all time favorite love song, when I get married, I want it at my wedding. In fact, at Meggan and Trevors wedding, two of my closest friends, Meggan made me dance with Trevor, because she knew I loved the song. She had picked it because I was a bridesmaid and she wanted to have it at the dance for me. Needless to say, when Gary played the song, I was hooked. He could have told me he hated me after singing it, and I was floating so high on cloud nine, i never would have heard it.
Gary, as you can see, was my first and actually my ONLY love. Unfortunetly, Gary broke my heart. He led me on. He played with my heart and then left me standing in confusion and heartbreak. As I listened to the cd, all of those things began to flood back in. The songs he had learned for me, the times we spent together, all of it. I had given him ALL of me, and he took my heart and broke it into pieces.
But ironically, as I listened to the songs, the reason I was crying was that I had realized that I had given ALL of myself to Gary and he wasnt even the one for me. I wasnt crying because I missed Gary, I was crying because I am dreaming of the day when I meet the man that God has for me. I was crying because I realized how much I had given to Gary and yet, I didnt know if I had been that commited to my Lord and Savior.
I love the show One Tree Hill and I watch it all the time. A couple weeks ago, Brooke shared the quote, "Im tired of being the foot note in someone elses love story." That quote came into my mind as I was reminicing. This last week, on the show, Brooke shared that she was scared to love again because her heart had been broken too many times. She had given her whole heart in relationship after relationship and over and over again it was broken. That is how I feel too. I realize that I am scared to love anyone, Im scared to let people in. I let people in after Gary. There was Jonathan, but I couldnt be myself around him. I had to smoke and swear and become someone I wasnt proud to be at all. I knew that wasnt love, so it had to end. There were others, but I got to a point where I got scared, so I did everything I could to push them away.
Now, I am 27 years old, and Im alone. I mean, I have friends and family that I would not trade for the world, but the man, the one Im going to fall in love with, the one who is going to cherish me and only me, the one who I will marry, the one who I will have kids with, the one that I will grow old with, I havent met him yet and I miss him.
Im tired of being scared, Im tired of being everyones friend or litttle sister. I want to be the girl that gets the guy in the epic love story, not the girls bestfriend. I guess Im just realizing that I want to dream again and I want to find the one that will make those dreams come true. I miss my future husband and I wish I could meet him soon.
That is all for this post, sorry if its kinda sappy, just where Im at today.