This post title seems very vague and could imply so many different things, so let me explain the this is going to be a very raw post. I have not posted on my blog for quite a while, but decided that this is a good outlet for me. So you don't have to read a word of this or you can read every word. Honestly, this post is for me. Words that I just need to get out there!
First of all, grief sucks! It just plain does. There are sometimes no other words to describe it other than that. and to be honest, all of the stages they talk about, they are absolutely, 100% true! Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Denial, and even acceptance. These feelings become unwanted companions, new best friends that you never knew you wanted in life. and to be honest, I feel like they should add all the other things to this list, the brain fog that comes after grief, the apathy that comes in feeling like you aren't even sure if you want life to keep going on if this is how its going to be now and the very real sense of "I just don't care anymore". I wish that they would add to the list the word jealousy. The jealousy that everyone else gets to keep living life and nothing has to change for them. The jealousy that everyone else seems to get all these good things and great blessings and you feel stuck and angry and mad, because GOOD is not at all the word that you would use to currently describe life at all. I wish that they would add the word "fake it". Because that is another very real part of grief. You get to walk through life faking it and acting as though you are totally ok even though inside you feel like you are being torn apart. I think they should add the word physical exhaustion to the stages. Because while you are emotionally worn and spent, the physical exhaustion and wear and tear is a lot to go through. and the great effort it takes to keep eating healthy, keep making healthy choices, well its not always easy. Anxiety, they should totally add that word too. The anxiety that you could be next. The anxiety that you don't know if you can do life without this person and the very honest answer of, "I don't even know if I want to do life without you there". The anxiety of doing all the things you used to do, but somehow you can't do them as well, somehow the world seems to have gained weight and decided to sit on your shoulders with all of it! and finally, the word loneliness should be included in these stages. The utter and complete aloneness that you feel as you walk this road. Its sometimes haunting and many times feels too much to bear.
Now I want to make sure I say in all of this that I have incredible family. I have wonderful friends. and I have an amazing God that i love and am trying to trust and gain strength from each day. But today, right now, I want to tell you how i am really feeling.
Thus the title of this blog.....Forgotten.....
I teach preschool, its one of my biggest joys in life. and I truly believe that it has trained and taught me how to be a mom someday as well. One of the biggest things i have learned in teaching is that, if I'm lucky, I get about 5 seconds to myself in our room on any given day before someone says, "Miss Becky can you help me?" "Miss Becky I need...." Honestly, sometimes i want to change my name! Again, I know most moms can relate here. But as I think about this, its how I have been feeling in my life outside of teaching lately too. My dad died, people were there a lot after it first happened, we had a lot of financial support, we had a lot of emotional support, and believe me, I could not have made it through without those people. So please know that these next words are not a jab at anyone that has been there or will continue to be there. But yes, at first there were people all around, in fact for the first 2 days I didn't spend 1 minute alone. But slowly, life moves on, people have to continue on into their lives and this goes back to my, "you get 5 seconds" point. Its kind of how our society is wired, its kind of how life goes. You get 5 seconds and then people find something else to think about, someone else has a crisis, people need you back to work and back to life and now, on top of grieving, you have catch up work to do. So now those 5 seconds turn into 0 seconds.
The loneliness is what has settled in lately and believe me it has taken a huge residence in my heart. The feeling of just knowing that I am going to have to take a lot of these steps by myself. The feelings of being forgotten have really settled in. and the feelings of being "old news" have totally overtaken my heart. I know it my head that I shouldn't feel this way, but in my heart, I just can't escape it. The phone calls, the texts, the emails, the Facebook messages, they all poured in at the beginning and as time goes on they become less and less. This extroverted soul struggles with that because I gain my energy from people. Most of the time I feel like I really need people in my life. and I think the void grows stronger because my dad and I used to talk on the phone everyday. Often we spoke twice a day, in the morning on my way to work and in the evenings on my way home from work. On really long days, a third call might even occur if I was driving home from youth group on a Tuesday or Wednesday night. And now, all of the sudden,without any warning, that is all gone! My best friend, the one I told everything too, he is gone. and I feel all alone. I find myself thinking about the fact that i will never drive back to spend a long weekend with him, we will never have movie nights again, he will never again buy me my special birthday dinner, BLT Pizza and Cherry Coke.I will never again make him a German Chocolate Cake with Caramel Coconut Frosting for his birthday. I will never decorate his house again for Christmas or come home for New Years to take it all down. Parades were our favorite. On Thanksgiving we watched the Macys Parade on Christmas the Disney Parade and on New Years the Rose Bowl Parade. Our FAVORITE! We loved seeing all the flowers and talking about all the floats as they went by. That is the last time I saw my dad. I watched the parade with him this year and then drove back to Minnesota. I had no idea that hug would be the last one Id ever have with him. and again, the loneliness sets in. My brother and his wife are in Bolivia and my dad was SO PROUD of them! But we missed them on holidays, A LOT! So Daddy and I had started our own traditions. We had begun our own things. and now, well now I don't get to carry any of those on. My dad and I lived states away from each other, but he had a way of making me feel like I was never alone, like he was always there whenever I needed him. and I miss him, more than words can say. And again, it has become a very close companion, the loneliness sets in as I begin to walk this road without him, alone.
Anger, that is another very close friend right now. One that I don't know very well, one that doesn't suit me very well, and one that, to be honest, Im not super fond of. But its an emotion that comes often right now. Anger. Anger at God, Anger at the situation, Anger at people for not getting it, Anger at people who don't have to live it, just anger and with it a big old side of bitterness.
I teach preschool, as I said before. I often relate many of my life situations to the experiences I have at preschool. And Im sure parents will relate to this feeling as well. I often have a classroom of children who get crazy, who seemingly lose their minds, who feel just utterly and completely out of control! And sometimes it gets to that point in the classroom where you just have to say "ENOUGH!" and I use my teacher voice to get the point across. and the room becomes silent and people realize that you have had enough. I want to scream that to God lately! ENOUGH seriously, ENOUGH!
From the time I was 11 years old, my mom was diagnosed with bi polar, she made several suicide attempts, she had cancer twice, and she even went missing several times. And thats just my mom. I have had 4 cancer scares, with lots of testing, waiting on results and the anxiety that goes with that. I was diagnosed with PCOS and hypothyroidism as well as Arthritis. I moved to a state with no family and established a life for myself. my brother moved to Bolivia, and the list could go on. Thats hard, thats a lot. and Sometimes I get angry. I talk to my brother about it once in a while but sometimes I just get really mad that we had to grow up so stinking fast! Sometimes Im tired of being strong, sometimes Im tired of things being thrown at me over and over and over again! and sometimes I am just plain tired! I just want to say to God, ENOUGH! Please, can we just be done for a little while?
and then there is that word, Forgotten. Its noones job to check up on me. its noones job to text me and be sure that Im okay. and to be honest, who even knows the words to say or the way to say them in these situations?? I don't even know and Im the one going through it! and to be honest, it feels selfish to even be thinking about this. It feels selfish to even be thinking about the fact that i want people to call me, that I want them to text me. that I need to talk about it. It feels selfish and needy and then anger sets in all over again. Anger with myself for needing and wanting that. anger with myself knowing that people have lives, that they have plenty of their own things going on and how dare I think the they should be texting me or calling me or taking time out of their day to reach out to me? How selfish can I be?
I want to say at this end of this long post. I love my God, I love my friends, I love my family. But this grief thing is hard, and today, as much as I want to. I don't have a nice bow to wrap this all up with at the end. This is messy and today is just a plain messy day! Plain and simple! Its messy! Grief is messy! Grief is hard! Grief is not a very good friend. But it is a nescessary one!
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
I am willing....I am yours
Lately I have been thinking a lot about life's purpose. I have been thinking about the many reasons God has created us. The many gifts he has given each and everyone of us and the thousands of reasons we are here on this Earth, but then I am reminded, that really, all of those reasons boil down to one ultimate purpose, and that is, to bring God glory. In all that we say and in all that we do, we were created to worship him.
This whole thought process was spurred on because of the pain I have seen around me. A boy from a local high school, that some of my students attend, committed suicide last week. A man from a recovery ministry in our church took his own life yesterday. Several people around me are feeling so deep and low in despair that they feel there is no way out. Pain, it literally is all around us. Its a part of all our lives at one point or another. But you see, there was something more, at some point, these people had reached a point of no more hope. They had decided that life was no longer worth living, and they ended it. I dont know what kind of support systems they had in their lives, I dont know what thoughts went through their heads that led them to this point, but they got there. You see, they had decided that life no longer had a purpose or at the very least, that there was no purpose left for them to live. They had forgotten the reason they were created to live.
Last Christmas, I got the chance to sing a song in our service. Is called, "Born In Me". There are some powerful words in this song, but the bridge, it has some of the most powerful words a song has ever spoken to me. The song is written from Mary's perspective, she is crying out to God, and she says these words, "I am not brave, Ill never be, The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy, Im just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing, and I am yours." You see, Mary, she got it, she remembered her purpose. She didnt see a lot in herself at all, in fact, she probably thought that God had gotten the wrong girl. But God had a plan, he had a purpose, and he chose Mary to be his servant. "I am willing, and I am yours". Those are the words that Mary so beautifully speaks to her savior.
You see, many of us, we dont feel very big. We may not even feel that we can be used. There is another song I love sing, Its called "Do they see Jesus in Me?" In one of the verses the composer writes these words, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way you will". You see for many of us, we are amazed that God would even take the time to look at us. We are amazed that he would choose to use us for his glory. And for others, well, we may be walking through life unsure that God even has a purpose or plan at all.
One of my favorite phrases to use is this, "God Never Wastes a Hurt". In our lives, there WILL be trouble. In fact, as Christians, we see it all over. Isaiah 43:2- WHEN you walk through the fire, WHEN you pass through the waters" God promises that these things WILL happen, but at the end of that passage he says, he will always stand by our side, we will not go through these things without him by our side. John 16:33- "In this World you WILL have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the World". and in 2 Timothy 3:12 he states, " In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus, will be persecuted.
I dont know where you are at in life today. I dont know if you are living a life to follow Christ or if you are still deciding what you believe about God. Or maybe you have decided he is not real at all. I dont know, as I stated, where any of you are at. But what I know for me is that God has made it abundantly clear that he has a plan for me. He has promised me that it will not be easy once I say yes to living a life for him. But he has promised that he will never leave my side, that he will always give my life purpose and that each and everyday I have a reason to live. And you want to know a secret.....he is saying all of the same things to you. He loves you.
If you are going through life and you are hurting, suffering, thinking thoughts of suicide, feeling alone, abusing drugs or alcohol, PLEASE STOP. You dont have to go through these things alone. There are people that love you. There are places that you can get help. Life, though it can be VERY DIFFICULT sometimes, is better when we are connected, its better when we dont have to go through it alone. Were all in this together!
This whole thought process was spurred on because of the pain I have seen around me. A boy from a local high school, that some of my students attend, committed suicide last week. A man from a recovery ministry in our church took his own life yesterday. Several people around me are feeling so deep and low in despair that they feel there is no way out. Pain, it literally is all around us. Its a part of all our lives at one point or another. But you see, there was something more, at some point, these people had reached a point of no more hope. They had decided that life was no longer worth living, and they ended it. I dont know what kind of support systems they had in their lives, I dont know what thoughts went through their heads that led them to this point, but they got there. You see, they had decided that life no longer had a purpose or at the very least, that there was no purpose left for them to live. They had forgotten the reason they were created to live.
Last Christmas, I got the chance to sing a song in our service. Is called, "Born In Me". There are some powerful words in this song, but the bridge, it has some of the most powerful words a song has ever spoken to me. The song is written from Mary's perspective, she is crying out to God, and she says these words, "I am not brave, Ill never be, The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy, Im just a girl, nothing more, but I am willing, and I am yours." You see, Mary, she got it, she remembered her purpose. She didnt see a lot in herself at all, in fact, she probably thought that God had gotten the wrong girl. But God had a plan, he had a purpose, and he chose Mary to be his servant. "I am willing, and I am yours". Those are the words that Mary so beautifully speaks to her savior.
You see, many of us, we dont feel very big. We may not even feel that we can be used. There is another song I love sing, Its called "Do they see Jesus in Me?" In one of the verses the composer writes these words, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way you will". You see for many of us, we are amazed that God would even take the time to look at us. We are amazed that he would choose to use us for his glory. And for others, well, we may be walking through life unsure that God even has a purpose or plan at all.
One of my favorite phrases to use is this, "God Never Wastes a Hurt". In our lives, there WILL be trouble. In fact, as Christians, we see it all over. Isaiah 43:2- WHEN you walk through the fire, WHEN you pass through the waters" God promises that these things WILL happen, but at the end of that passage he says, he will always stand by our side, we will not go through these things without him by our side. John 16:33- "In this World you WILL have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the World". and in 2 Timothy 3:12 he states, " In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus, will be persecuted.
I dont know where you are at in life today. I dont know if you are living a life to follow Christ or if you are still deciding what you believe about God. Or maybe you have decided he is not real at all. I dont know, as I stated, where any of you are at. But what I know for me is that God has made it abundantly clear that he has a plan for me. He has promised me that it will not be easy once I say yes to living a life for him. But he has promised that he will never leave my side, that he will always give my life purpose and that each and everyday I have a reason to live. And you want to know a secret.....he is saying all of the same things to you. He loves you.
If you are going through life and you are hurting, suffering, thinking thoughts of suicide, feeling alone, abusing drugs or alcohol, PLEASE STOP. You dont have to go through these things alone. There are people that love you. There are places that you can get help. Life, though it can be VERY DIFFICULT sometimes, is better when we are connected, its better when we dont have to go through it alone. Were all in this together!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
We EXPECT Big Things!
Every Tuesday night, my friend Erin and I go to a worship service here in the cities called Deeper, it is hosted by Substance Church. But the whole purpose of the service is to take some time out of our busy weeks to go Deeper with God. It has been an amazingly refreshing time to go to this service each week, but let me take a step back and explain WHY it has been so refreshing.
November 8, 2012 is a day that changed my life forever. My mom died. Now, I know that I have a great hope to hold on to, my mom was an amazing Christian, she lived out her faith as much as possible and I have no doubt in my mind that she is with Jesus right now. But that hope, that joy, didnt take away the pain of loosing her. It didnt take away that temporary anger that I felt toward God. and it certainly did not take away the doubts about him that I was experiencing after loosing her. I had an aching lonliness. I missed my mom, and I still do every day. I had to face the fact that someday, when God brings my future husband into my life, my mom wont get to meet him. My mom wont get to help me plan my wedding, she wont be there when I begin having kids and have questions that you can only ask your mom about. She wont be there for the fun moments on holidays or just the everyday moments, the ones where I have had a bad day and I just want to pick up the phone and cry. The moments where big things happen and I can call and rejoice with her. Or, even though SHE hated it, the moments where we would go shopping together. I never get to see her play with my adorable niece. And those moments, they are hard. No matter how much faith you have, no matter how much joy I have in knowing she is in a better place now, those moments still, well, she would be okay with me saying this, so I will :) Those moments just suck!
I say all of this to say that there was a period of time after her death that I didnt experience God the way that I once did. I tried hard to use this experience to draw me closer to him, and big picture, looking back now, it totally has. But the past 2 years, going through all the crap, well, I missed God for a while. I quit worshiping the way I once had. I quit expecting God to do big things. I gave up on God. Im not proud of it, but I did. I still went to church, heck I work in one :) I still went to Bible Study, but I was missing God.
You see, from the time I was 5 years old, God has been a big deal to me. I loved being in church. I loved that my parents took me there and showed me how important it was. I loved being in childrens choir, Bible Quizzing, I just loved it all. And I always came to church expecting God to do big things. It was my prayer everytime I went into church or a camp or any type of ministry and until 2 years ago, it still was. I would pray that I and the others coming into the place of ministry would not leave the same way that we came, that we would expect God to do something. That when reading scripture, when singing worship songs, when meeting with God, that I would expect to be different after meeting with him.
Somehow, in the midst of the pain of loosing my mom, I quit expecting God to do anything. I had resigned myself to say that he didnt heal my mom, so why should I expect him to do anything? Now i know, my mom received the ultimate healing, and to be honest, seeing her not have to suffer anymore, while it meant a goodbye here on Earth, was a great relief for me, because seeing her in that pain, seeing her not able to talk or communicate, it was its own personal hell. So, yes, I am thankful she was healed. But I still had to come to some new places with God.
I still remember sitting in my room some nights and screaming into a pillow because I was so mad. Or punching that same pillow because of the anger I was feeling in missing her. I remember tears, tears that still come from time to time as she left such a huge void.
This past year has been one of the toughest, not just because I miss my mom. Because many other pains have come into my life as well. Lost relationships, hurtful words, the scare that I myself may have cancer and then the overwhelming relief when the answer was "no", living in a state where none of my family actually live, missing my brother and his wife and my beautiful niece daily. Missing my father and my honoary sister and her boys, my "nephews". There are days that the pain is just so real.
But I have also come to a place of complete surrender and reliance on God, because I got to a point that I knew I couldnt do it anymore. Like it says in Psalms 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd...." I have had to get to a point of honestly allowing God to be my shepherd and trusting him to lead me, trusting him to take control and take care of me. I have had to let go, let go of hurt, of pain, of control, of ALL of it.
So last night, at our worship service, I realized that i had been holding on to so much of this stuff on my own. I realized that I was no longer expecting God to do things. and i realized that i had not been living to the potential that God was asking me to live to.
So here is the challenge, Do you expect God to do something? When was the last time you honestly experienced him? How desperate are you for him? Has the voice of cynicism in your life been speaking louder than the voice of desperation for Christ?
I am thankful to be where I am now. It is not the road I would have chosen to get here. It is certainly not the path I would have forseen, but I am thankful for it none the less, because it brought me to God. It has made me expect him to do big things again.
So to my friends who are struggling, who are hurting, who are unsure of their faith, to those of you who are ready to give up on ministry all together because its just too hard. To those of you who have lost loved ones. To those of you who have lost a job. To those of you who have made mistakes and you are questioning God. To those of you who are where I was. EXPECT God to do great things. I promise you, he will! He has never once left you alone. He is not the one that has walked away, he is there waiting for us. He is molding us, shaping us, and ready to use us for his glory. But sometimes that comes from a very cruddy, dirty, winding, seemingly never ending road. But the road is totally, 100% worth it!
God is ABLE!
Love
Becky
November 8, 2012 is a day that changed my life forever. My mom died. Now, I know that I have a great hope to hold on to, my mom was an amazing Christian, she lived out her faith as much as possible and I have no doubt in my mind that she is with Jesus right now. But that hope, that joy, didnt take away the pain of loosing her. It didnt take away that temporary anger that I felt toward God. and it certainly did not take away the doubts about him that I was experiencing after loosing her. I had an aching lonliness. I missed my mom, and I still do every day. I had to face the fact that someday, when God brings my future husband into my life, my mom wont get to meet him. My mom wont get to help me plan my wedding, she wont be there when I begin having kids and have questions that you can only ask your mom about. She wont be there for the fun moments on holidays or just the everyday moments, the ones where I have had a bad day and I just want to pick up the phone and cry. The moments where big things happen and I can call and rejoice with her. Or, even though SHE hated it, the moments where we would go shopping together. I never get to see her play with my adorable niece. And those moments, they are hard. No matter how much faith you have, no matter how much joy I have in knowing she is in a better place now, those moments still, well, she would be okay with me saying this, so I will :) Those moments just suck!
I say all of this to say that there was a period of time after her death that I didnt experience God the way that I once did. I tried hard to use this experience to draw me closer to him, and big picture, looking back now, it totally has. But the past 2 years, going through all the crap, well, I missed God for a while. I quit worshiping the way I once had. I quit expecting God to do big things. I gave up on God. Im not proud of it, but I did. I still went to church, heck I work in one :) I still went to Bible Study, but I was missing God.
You see, from the time I was 5 years old, God has been a big deal to me. I loved being in church. I loved that my parents took me there and showed me how important it was. I loved being in childrens choir, Bible Quizzing, I just loved it all. And I always came to church expecting God to do big things. It was my prayer everytime I went into church or a camp or any type of ministry and until 2 years ago, it still was. I would pray that I and the others coming into the place of ministry would not leave the same way that we came, that we would expect God to do something. That when reading scripture, when singing worship songs, when meeting with God, that I would expect to be different after meeting with him.
Somehow, in the midst of the pain of loosing my mom, I quit expecting God to do anything. I had resigned myself to say that he didnt heal my mom, so why should I expect him to do anything? Now i know, my mom received the ultimate healing, and to be honest, seeing her not have to suffer anymore, while it meant a goodbye here on Earth, was a great relief for me, because seeing her in that pain, seeing her not able to talk or communicate, it was its own personal hell. So, yes, I am thankful she was healed. But I still had to come to some new places with God.
I still remember sitting in my room some nights and screaming into a pillow because I was so mad. Or punching that same pillow because of the anger I was feeling in missing her. I remember tears, tears that still come from time to time as she left such a huge void.
This past year has been one of the toughest, not just because I miss my mom. Because many other pains have come into my life as well. Lost relationships, hurtful words, the scare that I myself may have cancer and then the overwhelming relief when the answer was "no", living in a state where none of my family actually live, missing my brother and his wife and my beautiful niece daily. Missing my father and my honoary sister and her boys, my "nephews". There are days that the pain is just so real.
But I have also come to a place of complete surrender and reliance on God, because I got to a point that I knew I couldnt do it anymore. Like it says in Psalms 23, "The Lord is my Shepherd...." I have had to get to a point of honestly allowing God to be my shepherd and trusting him to lead me, trusting him to take control and take care of me. I have had to let go, let go of hurt, of pain, of control, of ALL of it.
So last night, at our worship service, I realized that i had been holding on to so much of this stuff on my own. I realized that I was no longer expecting God to do things. and i realized that i had not been living to the potential that God was asking me to live to.
So here is the challenge, Do you expect God to do something? When was the last time you honestly experienced him? How desperate are you for him? Has the voice of cynicism in your life been speaking louder than the voice of desperation for Christ?
I am thankful to be where I am now. It is not the road I would have chosen to get here. It is certainly not the path I would have forseen, but I am thankful for it none the less, because it brought me to God. It has made me expect him to do big things again.
So to my friends who are struggling, who are hurting, who are unsure of their faith, to those of you who are ready to give up on ministry all together because its just too hard. To those of you who have lost loved ones. To those of you who have lost a job. To those of you who have made mistakes and you are questioning God. To those of you who are where I was. EXPECT God to do great things. I promise you, he will! He has never once left you alone. He is not the one that has walked away, he is there waiting for us. He is molding us, shaping us, and ready to use us for his glory. But sometimes that comes from a very cruddy, dirty, winding, seemingly never ending road. But the road is totally, 100% worth it!
God is ABLE!
Love
Becky
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Remember the Man, not the Moment....
Lately, in the news we have seen a lot about Robin Williams. We have seen people everywhere talking about his death. It is brought suicide and depression to the forefront of many things. I was reading one of these articles yesterday, and a phrase stuck out to me. A girl was talking about her own brother, who years earlier, had taken his own life. She shared that in the time she was grieving, she kept reminding her family and friends of one phrase, "Remember the Man, not the moment". She was reminding her family that there was much more to her brother than this one moment of despair. That while depression had overwhelmed him, while it had driven him to take his own life. it did NOT define him.
I have opened up on my blog a lot about my mother and some of the things she went through in life. I have opened up about some of the things my family went through as well. Depression and suicide are not easy things, they are not easy for the person that is going through them and they are not easy for the family that is impacted by them either. My mother suffered from depression for many years of our lives, the earliest I remember her suffering is from age 12. My mother attempted to end her life several times and I remember it. My mother was hospitalized for her depression. My family went through some counseling to help us understand and work through it. And I remember it. I remember many things. I learned many things from my mother and the illness she had to battle.
I learned perseverance because she daily had to persevere through some of the hardest days of her life. Mental Illness is a silent illness, many people have no idea that you are suffering, no idea how hard it is just to make it through a day. And she made it through many. And she did it with great grace.
I learned the meaning of faith. I learned that God is good, ALL. THE. TIME. Even in the hardest of times, he is good and he is worthy of our praise. In moments of my moms depression, in moments of her physical illnesses (cancer, meningitis, cellulits, arthritis, and LOADS of other things), she NEVER stopped having faith in God. She was always praying, always trusting, always reading her Bible, always reminding us that God has a plan in life, no matter how bad it looks.
I learned what it means to be selfless. My mother never thought of herself first, she was always thinking of others. She was always caring for other people. Her life was lived for others and more than that, for the glory of God. A few years before my mother got cancer, I got very sick myself. The doctors did a lot of testing and for a while were stumped as to what they thought it might be. Slowly, we found out I had a thyroid problem, but it took months of getting through it. I had anxiety, I had depression, I was not doing well at all, and my mother took care of me. She took me for drives in the car, just to get out of the house and talk. She put me before herself. She knew what I was going through, she put herself in my shoes and she helped me through one of the hardest times of my life.
I learned that FAMILY always comes first. My father, my brother, and I, were my moms first priority. ALWAYS! She went out of her way to work with my father to give my brother and I the best opportunities. My family did community theater together for years, all of us working together. My mom made treats for us for school all the time. My parents didn't have much money, but they made sure that Bryan and I had some great vacations and fun summer trips. We made memories, we had traditions. Christmas at the Cannys was one of the BEST days of the year for my brother and I. Adventureland Birthdays for my brother Bryan. Every Saturday Night was Gaither Night in our house. My parents LOVED Southern Gospel Music, so my mom would make pizza or tacos and we would sit down as a family and watch together. My brother and I didnt always like it, but now, Id do anything for a Gaither Night. Friday Nights were our favorite night of the week. If my brother and I were really good throughout the week, we would get to rent a VCR or a Super Nintendo and have fun all weekend long :) This, of course, was AFTER we got to choose where we wanted to go out to eat at one of the few restaurants in our small town. I could go on and on. But you can see, FAMILY always came before anything else.
I learned how to make everyone feel special. My mom always made people in her life feel special. When my brother and I were little kids, she made these cookies. They were delicious, and she made them for all the holidays, Thanksgiving we had turkeys, Christmas we had Christmas Trees, etc. But she went the extra mile, she wrote each one of our friends names on the cookies. She got our class list from school and made sure each student had their name on a cookie. She even brought a few extras just in case she missed someone. At Christmas my mom made the best goodie plates EVER and we went to peoples homes and delivered them just to let them know how much they meant to us. If you were in my moms life, she cared about you, no matter who you were or how well she knew you.
I could keep going on with the THOUSANDS of lessons my mom taught me. But I am sharing these things with you for a reason. You see, THIS is what I remember about my mom. I dont remember her for the times that she tried to end her life. I remember the caring, selfless, amazing, and incredible woman that she was.
Cancer took my mother when it was her time to go, but I know the pain of suicide. I know the pain you feel when your loved one is so down, you cant help them, no matter how much you try. As we continue to see Robin Williams story in the news, may we remember that many families are suffering from the effects of depression and suicide everyday. May we remember that this could happen to ANYONE. and most of all, may we remember that it is more than just the moments in life that define us.
I once heard a pastor say that too often we define ourselves solely by our sin and we need to remember that our sin, those moments we mess up, they are just that, they are moments. They dont define who we are as a person, they dont define our identity for even a second. They are just moments.
I love my mother so much and I was blessed to call her mother. I had a very unique privilege in my life, a very special gift that God gave me when he decided to give me Brenda Joyce Canny as a mother. Im so thankful and so proud of her and the woman she was.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
My mom loved hymns. I remember that Saturday Nights in our house used to be "Gaither Night". We, as a family, would sit down and watch the Gaither Vocal Band. For those of you who dont know what that is, its a Southern Gospel Group. Over the years, the Gaithers have travelled all over putting on Gospel concerts and they also consist of singing hymns. Now understand, my mom didnt just love the melody of the hymns, she loved the words. She would sometimes sing to us at night as she was putting us to bed, and to be honest, I remember, even in my teen years her sitting at the edge of my bed, talking to me late at night and singing those hymns, Id give anything for those nights again. But my mom knew all of the verses to those songs, she knew all of the words, and they meant something to her. As I listen to hymns today, as I am sometimes asked to sing them in church, her memory comes back to me each and every time. and I am SO THANKFUL for the time I got to have with her. But those hymns, they come back to me too. I remember times when I would be hurting or struggling and mom would pull out a scripture or a promise from God and she would often times have a hymn that had some words from scripture that I could stand on as well.
There is a hymn she used to love, called "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". The words go like this:
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take him at his word
Just to know that thou art with me
Wilt be with me to the end
Jesus, Jesus, How I trust him
How Ive proved him ore and ore
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus
oh for grace to trust him more
I was talking to my Pastor yesterday and we had a great conversation. Now, just a quick note here, my Pastor and his family truly are a second family to me. They have seen me at my worst and at my best, and they love me just the same. So, sometimes, Pastor Paul will say things to me pretty straight forward, and I have learned to love these talks. Yesterday, he looked me and he just said, "Becky, you worry too much". Where did worrying ever get anyone? He reminded me that I cant do this ministry, I cant do any of life on my own, but with the strength and help of God, I can do some pretty big things. I had lost sight of that for a while. I had been so focused on worrying and fretting and trying to do this all on my own, that I had failed to remember that this call God puts on our lives, he never intends for us to answer it alone. He never intends for us to take it on without him. He wants to be partners with us. He wants us to do this thing together. To trust him, to hold on to him, to believe that he has an incredible plan for our lives.
Today, I am realizing just how much I have missed by not trusting him lately. As I entered into a time of prayer last night and this morning, I gave up a ton of things to God that I had been holding on to for far too long. I was reminded of promises that he gave me that he desperately wants to fulfill, but I keep getting in the way because of my worry, my doubt, and my fear. Trust is a pretty big deal, and for me, its not something I do super easily. I dont share the things that are going on in my life, what Im feeling, what Im thinking, etc. I dont like to become vulnerable. Its a scary thing. But, its part of trusting, trusting God, trusting the people he has placed in my life. Its what he has called me to do.
I was listening to a sermon from Doug Fields today, he is an amazing Youth Ministry author, and I love so much of the stuff he has to say and write, God has used him in mighty ways. In his sermon Doug said this: "I often limit God's power in my life when I don't fully trust him."
"I often limit Gods power in my life when I dont fully trust him". Those are pretty big words. Those are some pretty big words! I wonder how many times I have limited God lately because of my own fear and doubt? How many things have I missed out on because he had a plan that I didn't allow myself to be a part of?
God has so many great things for me, I just have to learn to start trust him more. So today, those words from that hymn ring true to me. There is a sweet joy and freedom in learning to trust God, rely on him, and quit trying to do it on my own. I sure do miss my mom, but as I often say in this blog and in life, I am daily thankful for the incredible legacy she left behind her. And I am blessed to have known her. I am daily honored and humbled by the gift of the savior she introduced me and my brother to. My life would not be the same without it, and I wouldnt want it any other way.
There is a hymn she used to love, called "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus". The words go like this:
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just to take him at his word
Just to know that thou art with me
Wilt be with me to the end
Jesus, Jesus, How I trust him
How Ive proved him ore and ore
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus
oh for grace to trust him more
I was talking to my Pastor yesterday and we had a great conversation. Now, just a quick note here, my Pastor and his family truly are a second family to me. They have seen me at my worst and at my best, and they love me just the same. So, sometimes, Pastor Paul will say things to me pretty straight forward, and I have learned to love these talks. Yesterday, he looked me and he just said, "Becky, you worry too much". Where did worrying ever get anyone? He reminded me that I cant do this ministry, I cant do any of life on my own, but with the strength and help of God, I can do some pretty big things. I had lost sight of that for a while. I had been so focused on worrying and fretting and trying to do this all on my own, that I had failed to remember that this call God puts on our lives, he never intends for us to answer it alone. He never intends for us to take it on without him. He wants to be partners with us. He wants us to do this thing together. To trust him, to hold on to him, to believe that he has an incredible plan for our lives.
Today, I am realizing just how much I have missed by not trusting him lately. As I entered into a time of prayer last night and this morning, I gave up a ton of things to God that I had been holding on to for far too long. I was reminded of promises that he gave me that he desperately wants to fulfill, but I keep getting in the way because of my worry, my doubt, and my fear. Trust is a pretty big deal, and for me, its not something I do super easily. I dont share the things that are going on in my life, what Im feeling, what Im thinking, etc. I dont like to become vulnerable. Its a scary thing. But, its part of trusting, trusting God, trusting the people he has placed in my life. Its what he has called me to do.
I was listening to a sermon from Doug Fields today, he is an amazing Youth Ministry author, and I love so much of the stuff he has to say and write, God has used him in mighty ways. In his sermon Doug said this: "I often limit God's power in my life when I don't fully trust him."
"I often limit Gods power in my life when I dont fully trust him". Those are pretty big words. Those are some pretty big words! I wonder how many times I have limited God lately because of my own fear and doubt? How many things have I missed out on because he had a plan that I didn't allow myself to be a part of?
God has so many great things for me, I just have to learn to start trust him more. So today, those words from that hymn ring true to me. There is a sweet joy and freedom in learning to trust God, rely on him, and quit trying to do it on my own. I sure do miss my mom, but as I often say in this blog and in life, I am daily thankful for the incredible legacy she left behind her. And I am blessed to have known her. I am daily honored and humbled by the gift of the savior she introduced me and my brother to. My life would not be the same without it, and I wouldnt want it any other way.
Friday, February 21, 2014
A Heart for Ministry.......
In my blog post last week, I shared with you that after a health scare in my life, I kind of had a wake up call. I had some things that definitely changed me. Fridays are my official day off from work. They are my days of reflection. I usually spend the day by myself, and I do that on purpose. You see, Im an extrovert. Im probably a "poster child" for extroverts if that is possible. Being around people is something that I love. When Im working in the office at church, I become easily distracted when many people are there because I would rather just sit and talk to them and listen to them. I love people! But I have learned in my years of ministry that if I dont take my "Fridays", bad things can and will happen. I need to make moments and take time for myself. Along with being an extrovert, along with really enjoying to spend time with others, I also feel guilty when I think about myself. I have always wanted to be sure that those around me knew that they were loved and cared for. But when I take a moment to think about me or do something for me, I feel like I am being selfish in some way. So, with this thought process starting off our blog, I thought that I would share with you some of the ministry lessons I have learned lately and what God is teaching me.
1- YOU are the best advocate for yourself and sometimes you are the ONLY advocate for yourself.
As I was saying, when I got sick, one of the first things that doctor said to me was that I had been sick for quite a while, that the infection that had found had been going on for a few weeks. She went on to tell me that these infections are often caused from stress in ones life. I got lucky, I was on medication for a little while and then I was ordered to take a few days of rest and relaxation. During this time, I realized that I had not taken time for me in a long time. I had not taken time to realize how sick I had really been feeling. I had not done my work out regiment and I had not been counting calories and looking closely at the food I was eating. Now these are very physical things, but they were pointing to an underlying problem. I was not taking time for Becky. I had to advocate for myself! When I got back to MN, I had to sit down and take a hard look. I knew that coming back after a surgery and illness, I needed to ease back in, but noone else was in my shoes. Noone else knew the emotional toll that this illness had taken, noone else knew the physical toll it had taken. Only I could stand up and say, THIS is what I can realistically do and do it well.
I sat down with a group of my interns last Wednesday Night and we had some of the best talks. Some of them were feeling so overwhelmed, they were sharing some very real hurts from their lives and I got to share this lesson with them. Its great for us to sit and talk about these things, but if we dont, if we dont take those moments, we are not serving anyone well, and we certainly are not advocating for ourselves. I am a girl, in case you didnt know :) And as a girl, I dont like alot of the stereotypes that sometimes get thrown around about men and women, but the reality is that some of them are true. I am very guilty of one in particular, I expect for people to somehow be able to read my mind and know what I am thinking and what I am feeling. Many of my guy friends have looked at me and said, "Becky, I love you, but I am not a mind reader". You see, if we dont take the time to tell people what we are thinking or feeling. If we dont take the time to take a hard look at these things, there will come a moment of explosion. There will come a moment of pure and utter freak out, and it will come when you least expect it. So advocate for yourself. So advocate for what you need. Take a "Friday", Put on your headphones and escape into your favorite music", read a book, veg out in front of the tv. Do what you need to do to recharge, to take care of you. If you dont do this, you WILL burn out, and you WILL leave ministry. Even Jesus took time alone.
2- Remind yourself often of what you love about ministry....
I remember the moment that God called me into ministry and the other moment where he called me into Youth Ministry specifically. But here is what is so key. You need to remind yourself often of why you are in ministry. You need to look often at what God has called you to. And sometimes, you will lose sight of it, this is why Im telling you, remind yourself often so that you DONT lose sight of the vision. As I sat in my dads living room last week recovering from surgery, recovering from illness, God began speaking to me. I missed my kids. I missed my interns. I missed the church. But I also realized that part of why I missed it is because I had become so bogged down lately. I had been bogged down with office work, with planning all these events, with DOING ministry. I was so bogged down with DOING ministry that I was missing BEING IN ministry. I sat down to coffee with my friend Jeremiah last Friday and told him, "Jeremiah, I dont feel called to leave ministry, but I do feel called to actually DO ministry". Let me explain here. I was very discouraged. I was feeling alot of things, I was really working through alot of stuff. and in that moment, I realized that the reason I was so discouraged, the reason that I was missing things so much is because I had lost sight of the vision. I had lost sight of the whole reason I was here. And heres the other thing, ministry does not pay well. Many of your friends are going to tell you often, "You should go find something that pays more", "is all this sacrifice worth it?" and you have to make a stand right now to say, being in ministry means sacrifice for me. Being in ministry means that I dont care how much I make and sometimes I may have to work extra hours, but I know that its all worth it, because what Im doing is worth a whole lot more than just money.
These are 2 of the big lessons I have learned the past couple of weeks. I sit here now, and have been attending some free youth ministry Webinars today. and Im reminded again of why I do this thing called Youth Ministry.
Im very thankful for the blessing of youth ministry! I am very thankful for the call God has placed on my life! and I LOVE sharing the lessons God is teaching me. I love that part of ministry is the family of God that we get to serve in together.
Be Blessed!!!!
1- YOU are the best advocate for yourself and sometimes you are the ONLY advocate for yourself.
As I was saying, when I got sick, one of the first things that doctor said to me was that I had been sick for quite a while, that the infection that had found had been going on for a few weeks. She went on to tell me that these infections are often caused from stress in ones life. I got lucky, I was on medication for a little while and then I was ordered to take a few days of rest and relaxation. During this time, I realized that I had not taken time for me in a long time. I had not taken time to realize how sick I had really been feeling. I had not done my work out regiment and I had not been counting calories and looking closely at the food I was eating. Now these are very physical things, but they were pointing to an underlying problem. I was not taking time for Becky. I had to advocate for myself! When I got back to MN, I had to sit down and take a hard look. I knew that coming back after a surgery and illness, I needed to ease back in, but noone else was in my shoes. Noone else knew the emotional toll that this illness had taken, noone else knew the physical toll it had taken. Only I could stand up and say, THIS is what I can realistically do and do it well.
I sat down with a group of my interns last Wednesday Night and we had some of the best talks. Some of them were feeling so overwhelmed, they were sharing some very real hurts from their lives and I got to share this lesson with them. Its great for us to sit and talk about these things, but if we dont, if we dont take those moments, we are not serving anyone well, and we certainly are not advocating for ourselves. I am a girl, in case you didnt know :) And as a girl, I dont like alot of the stereotypes that sometimes get thrown around about men and women, but the reality is that some of them are true. I am very guilty of one in particular, I expect for people to somehow be able to read my mind and know what I am thinking and what I am feeling. Many of my guy friends have looked at me and said, "Becky, I love you, but I am not a mind reader". You see, if we dont take the time to tell people what we are thinking or feeling. If we dont take the time to take a hard look at these things, there will come a moment of explosion. There will come a moment of pure and utter freak out, and it will come when you least expect it. So advocate for yourself. So advocate for what you need. Take a "Friday", Put on your headphones and escape into your favorite music", read a book, veg out in front of the tv. Do what you need to do to recharge, to take care of you. If you dont do this, you WILL burn out, and you WILL leave ministry. Even Jesus took time alone.
2- Remind yourself often of what you love about ministry....
I remember the moment that God called me into ministry and the other moment where he called me into Youth Ministry specifically. But here is what is so key. You need to remind yourself often of why you are in ministry. You need to look often at what God has called you to. And sometimes, you will lose sight of it, this is why Im telling you, remind yourself often so that you DONT lose sight of the vision. As I sat in my dads living room last week recovering from surgery, recovering from illness, God began speaking to me. I missed my kids. I missed my interns. I missed the church. But I also realized that part of why I missed it is because I had become so bogged down lately. I had been bogged down with office work, with planning all these events, with DOING ministry. I was so bogged down with DOING ministry that I was missing BEING IN ministry. I sat down to coffee with my friend Jeremiah last Friday and told him, "Jeremiah, I dont feel called to leave ministry, but I do feel called to actually DO ministry". Let me explain here. I was very discouraged. I was feeling alot of things, I was really working through alot of stuff. and in that moment, I realized that the reason I was so discouraged, the reason that I was missing things so much is because I had lost sight of the vision. I had lost sight of the whole reason I was here. And heres the other thing, ministry does not pay well. Many of your friends are going to tell you often, "You should go find something that pays more", "is all this sacrifice worth it?" and you have to make a stand right now to say, being in ministry means sacrifice for me. Being in ministry means that I dont care how much I make and sometimes I may have to work extra hours, but I know that its all worth it, because what Im doing is worth a whole lot more than just money.
These are 2 of the big lessons I have learned the past couple of weeks. I sit here now, and have been attending some free youth ministry Webinars today. and Im reminded again of why I do this thing called Youth Ministry.
Im very thankful for the blessing of youth ministry! I am very thankful for the call God has placed on my life! and I LOVE sharing the lessons God is teaching me. I love that part of ministry is the family of God that we get to serve in together.
Be Blessed!!!!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
The Fight of the Century
Have you ever had those moments in your life? You know, the ones where you are literally at your Whit's End and you're asking yourself, "Really? What else could possibly go wrong?" I know that we have all had those moments. Sometimes they are ones that are not easy to admit, but they are there. Life just seems to pile cruddy situation after cruddy situation all over us. And, we have some choices to make.
Let me explain why I am starting my blog this way. I know that in life we all go through hard times. Trust me, I see them everyday in ministry. So I am not for a second going to tell you here that my tough times are any worse than yours or that somehow mine are tougher. Thats not my goal here at all. My goal is rather to share with you, that I have been there too. That we are in this journey together. That being said, lately, life has thrown quite a few blows at me. And I have had some choices to make about which road I would travel down. But things all came to a head for me in making those decisions last Wednesday Night.
2 Weeks ago, I found a lump on my body. I am not going to graphically go into detail here. I will just tell you that it startled me. It made me concerned. For those of you who dont know, in my family health history, Cancer is a very real thing. Many of my loved ones have been affected by it, so when the doctors saw the lump, they ran some tests, they checked me out and the ruling was that most likely I had a very bad infection that had developed into a cyst. But, there was a chance that it could be cancerous. And because of my family history, it was best to get it further checked. And so, I began to pray. And I made the decision to take a few days and go down to Iowa to be with my family. I had some more tests, and it was decided that I did NOT have cancer. I did have a serious infection that needed to be treated and I had to take some time to stop, relax, rest, and recuperate. During this time of reflection God began to speak to me. I began to dissect all that was going on.
My mom just passed away from Cancer 1 1/2 years ago. I saw her go through so much crap in her life. And a part of me was scared. I didn't want to have to go through those things. I hated seeing her go through all that she had to go through. And honestly, I miss her everyday of my life. This made me think of her even more, and it began to put things in perspective for me. If I did have cancer, If that had been the verdict, would I be leaving a legacy to be proud of the way that my mom did? Would people say the things about me that said about her after she passed away? Would people know how much they meant to me? How much I loved them? How much I cared for them? How important they were to me? It was alot to take in.
And then I came back to Minnesota. And I tried to just throw myself back into my work. People had been so understanding of me when I was gone. They loved me. They cared for me. and they were deeply concerned for me. But I didnt feel like I deserved all of their fuss. I didnt feel like I deserved all of their concern. and when I came back I just began to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with their care for me. Overwhelmed with the amount of "things" that I was doing in my life. But do those "things" matter? What do those "things" mean? No, my life should be about the people in it. My life should be about the relationships that God blesses me with. My life should about leading others into meaningful relationships as well.
So on Wednesday Night, as I was preparing for another Wednesday Night service, I suddenly began to cry. I had people all around me, so my crying is figurative, I was crying inside. And I had to take a few moments. I grabbed my headphones, put them in, and just made the people around me disappear for a few moments. I began to fight. You see, I had to fight this feeling of going into despair and anger. I am thankful everyday of my life that I am blessed to live this life that God has given me. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. But, if I am not careful, I can miss all of those things because I get bogged down with the crap. I lost my mom to cancer, my brother moved to Bolivia and I miss him everyday of my life, and my niece too. God called me to move to Minnesota and my daddy lives 5 hours away from me and I dont have any blood relatives here with me. I am, in some ways, all on my own. I have had several health scares in my life. I still dont know if I will be able to concieve children of my own someday. I am 32 years old, and THIS is not where I thought I would be at all at this point in my life.
But you see, those things, they are cruddy moments in my life, but they are not the moments I should focus on. Because you see the reality is this. My mom is now healed and happy, in the arms of Jesus. My brother has an incredible wife and daughter and I am proud of the man that he is and the way he is serving God. My daddy has an incredible church family and friends in Iowa that love and care for him when I cant. And while I dont have blood relatives here, I have an incredible family in Minnesota, who are here for me in ways I never could have imagined. and while I have had many health scares, God has protected me in EVERY one and brought me through it to the other side. and while this is not where I thought I would be at 32 years old, I have done a lot in this life, I have alot to be proud of. You see, its perspective! I could wallow, I could be angry and bitter, but what good would it do? NONE! You see, we have to fight sometimes! And let me tell you, this week has been quite a fight for me. A fight to push through that feeling of despair and find the never ending JOY that is in Jesus Christ.
I am dealing becoming the woman that I know God wants me to be. Somedays, I fail miserably. Somedays I am unkind to my friends. Somedays I get stressed out and I just need to be left alone. Somedays I swear more than I should because Im frustrated. Somedays I miss the mark. Somedays I miss seeing people hurting because I am too focused on and wrapped up in my own hurts. But somedays, God uses me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and honored to be where I am at in life right now. I am humbled that God sees me and sees someone who he can use.
There is a song I used to sing and my mom used to love it. Its called, "Do They See Jesus In Me?" One of the verses says, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way that you will". THIS is what I want to say tonight. God, USE ME! In whatever means, in whatever way necessary. I want my life to tell a story, but more than that, I want my life to tell YOUR STORY. I want my life to lead others to see YOU! Help me to do that. With love and compassion for those around me.
Let me explain why I am starting my blog this way. I know that in life we all go through hard times. Trust me, I see them everyday in ministry. So I am not for a second going to tell you here that my tough times are any worse than yours or that somehow mine are tougher. Thats not my goal here at all. My goal is rather to share with you, that I have been there too. That we are in this journey together. That being said, lately, life has thrown quite a few blows at me. And I have had some choices to make about which road I would travel down. But things all came to a head for me in making those decisions last Wednesday Night.
2 Weeks ago, I found a lump on my body. I am not going to graphically go into detail here. I will just tell you that it startled me. It made me concerned. For those of you who dont know, in my family health history, Cancer is a very real thing. Many of my loved ones have been affected by it, so when the doctors saw the lump, they ran some tests, they checked me out and the ruling was that most likely I had a very bad infection that had developed into a cyst. But, there was a chance that it could be cancerous. And because of my family history, it was best to get it further checked. And so, I began to pray. And I made the decision to take a few days and go down to Iowa to be with my family. I had some more tests, and it was decided that I did NOT have cancer. I did have a serious infection that needed to be treated and I had to take some time to stop, relax, rest, and recuperate. During this time of reflection God began to speak to me. I began to dissect all that was going on.
My mom just passed away from Cancer 1 1/2 years ago. I saw her go through so much crap in her life. And a part of me was scared. I didn't want to have to go through those things. I hated seeing her go through all that she had to go through. And honestly, I miss her everyday of my life. This made me think of her even more, and it began to put things in perspective for me. If I did have cancer, If that had been the verdict, would I be leaving a legacy to be proud of the way that my mom did? Would people say the things about me that said about her after she passed away? Would people know how much they meant to me? How much I loved them? How much I cared for them? How important they were to me? It was alot to take in.
And then I came back to Minnesota. And I tried to just throw myself back into my work. People had been so understanding of me when I was gone. They loved me. They cared for me. and they were deeply concerned for me. But I didnt feel like I deserved all of their fuss. I didnt feel like I deserved all of their concern. and when I came back I just began to feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with their care for me. Overwhelmed with the amount of "things" that I was doing in my life. But do those "things" matter? What do those "things" mean? No, my life should be about the people in it. My life should be about the relationships that God blesses me with. My life should about leading others into meaningful relationships as well.
So on Wednesday Night, as I was preparing for another Wednesday Night service, I suddenly began to cry. I had people all around me, so my crying is figurative, I was crying inside. And I had to take a few moments. I grabbed my headphones, put them in, and just made the people around me disappear for a few moments. I began to fight. You see, I had to fight this feeling of going into despair and anger. I am thankful everyday of my life that I am blessed to live this life that God has given me. I am blessed with incredible friends and family. But, if I am not careful, I can miss all of those things because I get bogged down with the crap. I lost my mom to cancer, my brother moved to Bolivia and I miss him everyday of my life, and my niece too. God called me to move to Minnesota and my daddy lives 5 hours away from me and I dont have any blood relatives here with me. I am, in some ways, all on my own. I have had several health scares in my life. I still dont know if I will be able to concieve children of my own someday. I am 32 years old, and THIS is not where I thought I would be at all at this point in my life.
But you see, those things, they are cruddy moments in my life, but they are not the moments I should focus on. Because you see the reality is this. My mom is now healed and happy, in the arms of Jesus. My brother has an incredible wife and daughter and I am proud of the man that he is and the way he is serving God. My daddy has an incredible church family and friends in Iowa that love and care for him when I cant. And while I dont have blood relatives here, I have an incredible family in Minnesota, who are here for me in ways I never could have imagined. and while I have had many health scares, God has protected me in EVERY one and brought me through it to the other side. and while this is not where I thought I would be at 32 years old, I have done a lot in this life, I have alot to be proud of. You see, its perspective! I could wallow, I could be angry and bitter, but what good would it do? NONE! You see, we have to fight sometimes! And let me tell you, this week has been quite a fight for me. A fight to push through that feeling of despair and find the never ending JOY that is in Jesus Christ.
I am dealing becoming the woman that I know God wants me to be. Somedays, I fail miserably. Somedays I am unkind to my friends. Somedays I get stressed out and I just need to be left alone. Somedays I swear more than I should because Im frustrated. Somedays I miss the mark. Somedays I miss seeing people hurting because I am too focused on and wrapped up in my own hurts. But somedays, God uses me in ways I never dreamed possible. I am humbled and honored to be where I am at in life right now. I am humbled that God sees me and sees someone who he can use.
There is a song I used to sing and my mom used to love it. Its called, "Do They See Jesus In Me?" One of the verses says, "Its amazing that youd ever use me, but use me the way that you will". THIS is what I want to say tonight. God, USE ME! In whatever means, in whatever way necessary. I want my life to tell a story, but more than that, I want my life to tell YOUR STORY. I want my life to lead others to see YOU! Help me to do that. With love and compassion for those around me.
Friday, January 10, 2014
You're Nothing
I think that I am going to start designating Friday as my blogging days. Days where I sit and reflect on the lessons that God has taught me throughout the week. Because, lets be honest, I dont have much time through out the week to do it. :) Unless the weather is so unbearably cold that work is cancelled. Which I will tell you that while I enjoyed a day off this week, I will give up the cold for work anytime! But again, I disgress.....
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
This week, that phrase that I used as the title of this blog, "You're Nothing", that is the lesson that God has been teaching me this week. As a youth pastor, I never know what might happen in a week and I don't know what my kids might need or what they might be going through. This week was no exception. Sometimes it breaks my heart to hear the hurts and things that my kids are going through. Sometimes I am reminded of the reason that I became a Youth Director. Sometimes I am reminded of the pain that I have gone through in my life. and EVERYtime I am reminded that I am NOTHING. None of this is about me for even a second, its about God. Its about how he can use me and the circumstances I have been through. Its about the lessons that he has taught me. Its about the person that he is molding me into. Its about the woman that I have become because of his patience with me and love for me.
I became a youth pastor because of how important my youth group was to me in high school. I have shared on my blog alot about my past, alot about the things that I have been through in life. Not so that you will feel sorry for me. Not so that its even about me at all. But rather because I am realizing how much those times were molding me into being able to be a better youth pastor, how to better reach youth. I was in a big youth group in high school, somewhere between 100-150 I would say, but Im not the best with numbers, so thats my best estimate :) But I LOVED my youth group, In that building, with that group of people, I always felt like I could be myself. I felt like I was loved for who I was and I was accepted into this amazing group of people. When I went to college, I started out majoring in Christian Education, I was going to be a teacher someday. But when I got there, when I started really seeking Gods heart, he gave me the chance to work at Summer Camps, to counsel teens day in and day out, to lead worship with them, to do concerts for them, to sit and talk with them and listen to their deep hurts, and even the chance to preach to them. and I soon learned, THIS is what God wanted me to do with my life. Give these kids the same chance that I had. A place to feel safe. A place to feel loved and cared for. A place where they knew they would not be judged. And thats when I switched my major to Youth Ministries and I have never looked back.
As I sat and talked to one of my youth this week, I was reminded of all of that again. You see, I looked at him as he shared with me and I could see the hurt he was feeling. I could see it, because I remember how I used to feel it. I remember moments where I still feel it. This sense of wanting to punch God with one hand for the pain you have been through and yet hold him so tightly with the other because you cant make it without him. That pain that hurts so deep that you dont know how to handle it. And God reminded me, right then and there, "Becky, THIS, this is why you do this job." And he reminded me further of something that my friend told me last week, at a time when I was hurting. I had told my friend I felt like a burden if I shared my problems with people. He said to me "Becky, does it bother you when other people come to you?, because they do alot." I told him, "NO, I LOVE when people come to talk to me, its what I feel God has called me to do, to listen to and care for people!". My friend said to me, "Then share with people, tell them when you are hurting, its part of being in the body of Christ." You see, even in my youth group, I had a great group of people, they loved me, they cared for me, but I didnt open up. I didnt fully allow them to see the parts of me that were hurt. The parts of me that were broken. I was guarded, because I had this fear, this fear that if they really saw THOSE things, they wouldnt want me around anymore.
You see, in the interest of this whole baggage thing, this stuff Ive picked up. THATS the lesson I have been being taught this week. I feel like I am nothing. We are starting a series on identity this week in our youth group. And I had the chance to preach the first week. And as I preached, I was reminded that there are many lies that we have believed about ourselves for far too long. There are lies that we have held on to, lies that we have picked up along the way and we have begun to believe them and we have begun to live in them. I was watching a video this week and someone was sharing that they felt like nothing. That they had been telling themselves for so long that they werent worth anything, that they were nothing and that they didnt mean anything to anyone else. They said this statement, "Ive been telling myself Im nothing for so long, I am actually starting to believe it". What a profound statement. I have so many youth who walk around feeling this way about themselves all the time. Feeling as though they are worthless, that they are not valuable, that somehow who they are is not enough. I get the chance to take a journey with some of my kids. As I want them to see how amazing and valuable they are, I have to take a step outside of myself and realize that I, well I am valuable too.
God calls us to put him first, he does call us to be nothing, because he needs to be our everything. But lets be very careful in how we look at that. Yes, we are nothing in the sense that without Gods love and grace we would be no where and without him we are meaningless. BUT, we are EVERYTHING to him. He loves us, he cares for us, we matter, we mean something to him.
This week, my challenge, and yours too, is to find those people in your life that make you feel like you matter. Cling to them. We are not meant to live this life alone. and we are certainly not mean to live feeling as though we dont matter or we are nothing. No, God wants SO much more for us! So live that today. YOU MATTER. YOU mean something. Actually, you mean A LOT!
Monday, January 6, 2014
If Im Being Honest.....
Well, moving to Minnesota, while one of the best decisions of my life, sometimes feels like a not so great one :) Okay so I am only saying that because today I am sitting in my house with -50 temps outside right now, work being cancelled because of the extreme cold temperatures. Ugh! My body is NOT SO GREAT at handling these cold temps either :( I have had arthritis since I was 14 and cold temps like this just don't feel so great. :( But I digress. I am also THANKFUL for this time to work from home and reflect as well. So, I decided to blog today.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
I went out to lunch with a friend on Saturday Night and she brought alot of things to light for me. Things I needed to think about, things I needed to hear. I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends the other day and he brought out some important things that I need to start thinking about as well and was very honest with me, but all while letting me know that he deeply cared for me. And just days before that I sat down with another friend and he shared some of the same things. You see, all of my friends, all of these AMAZING people in my life. They have genuine concern for me. And what they told me were things like this "Becky, you are always caring for other people, its okay to let them care for you sometimes". or "Becky, you dont always have to say that you are fine, you can tell me when you are not okay, in fact, I want to hear your struggles, I want to be here to help you through your pain". and the hardest one, "Becky, I dont think you have fully begun to grieve your moms death". You see, if anyone knows me at all, you know that I like to help people, that caring for people in my life is one of the most important things in the World for me. And you also know that I dont quickly share my struggles and problems with people. I might give you a very surface answer, "yeah, Im struggling, but Im okay" or I might even tell you, "Im really just missing my mom". But thats all the deeper it is going to go. So today, I thought I would blog a little about why I think that is.
I think there are a few reasons I go through life handling and coping with things the way that I do.
#1- As many of you know, because my family has been going through it for the past few years, and those of you close to us have heard the story, my mom was an amazing woman. But my mom also had to deal with many very unfair things in her life. My mom was a selfless person, she always put others before herself. She spent 10 years of her life sacrificing EVERYTHING to take care of her own mother who had cancer. And after that 10 years of time, my mom finally had a chance to do something for herself. So, she met my daddy, they got married, and 9 months later, they had me! and 2 years after that, they had my baby brother. And then, just a few short years later, my mom began to get sick. She began to suffer from depression. And let me tell you, for a child, its hard to see someone you care about go through something like that. Its even harder to see the person that is supposed to care for you, the person who has done such an incredible job taking care of you, unable to do so anymore because of an illness that they have no control over at all. Over the years my mom was in and out of the hospital. She went through alot of struggles and as a family, we were strong and we handled it together. But I remember that in the times when mom was sick, we didnt talk about it. We talked to each other. To this day, I know that my brother and I grew as close as we did because we leaned on each other during these times. I believe with all my heart that God gave me Bryan because he knew that we would need one another to lean on during those times. But you see, in life, through circumstances not in our control, we begin to pick up baggage. And I think that during that time, I picked up this piece of baggage that said, "You dont talk about your problems with other people." For many reasons. We didnt talk about it because we didnt want to burden people or make other people sad or uncomfortable with our problems. Problems that we felt were ours to face. And so, THIS is how I went through life. I didnt talk to other people about my moms illness. I held it in. I didnt talk to other people about how it made me feel or what I was going through. I held it inside. I would cry in my room sometimes. I would scream into a pillow, maybe. But talk about to other people, never. And I realize, I still do this. I havent talked to people about how loosing my mom made me feel. I might post something on facebook, but very rarely will I sit down and tell someone how it makes me feel. I dont talk to people about the struggles I am having in life. I want to be strong. I want to be a rock for other people. and most of all, I dont want to burden anyone else with my junk. You see, this baggage, its kind of a big deal. I picked it up and its not really healthy.
I have this phrase that I often use, "Im just fine". and when I say it, most of the time people believe me, they buy it and they just move on with life. But since moving to MN, since letting down my guard and letting some people in, they have learned that this is "Becky code". When I say Im fine or when I get super quiet, its a "red flag" to my close friends. They know it means something is up. And now, the ball is in my court. Its my choice to tell them what is going on. But Im just thankful I have friends in my life who know the code. and not only that, but friends who care enough to realize when Im not fine and take the time to listen. I have had friends like this in my life before, ones in college who I am still blessed to know. But I have not often let my guard down and let people in to what is honestly going on. So I am challenging myself, this is one piece of baggage that I know that I need to let go of and start living in a different way. You see, blogging friends, me even telling YOU, well this is a step in that direction.
#2- I saw my mom care for many people in her life. As I said, when she was well. She always put others before herself. and even more than that, she was always a caretaker. But I remember that when I was about 11 years old, my mom had her first stay in the hospital. It was hard to see her go through that. But even harder was that I had to step up and help take care of things in the house. My brother was younger, so he didnt quite understand all that was going on. I took care of him, I tried to help him and let him know things would be okay. and he tried to help me when he saw that I was having a tough time. and we both tried to be very strong for my daddy, who we knew was having a very difficult time with all of this. My family always took care of each other. But I picked up another piece of baggage here. I picked up this piece of baggage that said "Becky, you need to take care of everyone else". You see, I have an amazing father and little brother. And many times in life, they took care of me. And my mom was one of the best care takers in the World. But somewhere, along the way, I took it upon myself that I needed to care for everyone else. So I did. I LOVE counseling people and listening when they have problems. I remember a few years ago, after my moms cancer diagnosis and moving her into a care facility, I just couldnt bare for my dad to handle it alone, so I moved back home to support him and my mom. It was a tough decision, but one I knew I needed to make. I loved taking care of my mom. Because of all the years she had cared for me. It wasnt ever an obligation, it was always something I WANTED to do. But again, somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that I need to take care of everyone else. And that I would be last.
Blogger friends, I am challenging myself in this area too. I am working on letting others take care of me sometimes. Letting others in. Letting others listen to me sometimes, instead of me just listening to them. And let me tell you right now, it has NOT been easy. and I am only at the beginning of this thing, but I promise you, I am trying. I am making steps in the best ways I know how.
#3- This piece of baggage I have no idea where I picked it up, but I did. You see somewhere along the way I have gotten this idea in my head that I am not good enough. That I am not worthy of the care and love people give me. Or that I am not worth their time. Now let me assure you, it is NOT from lack of love, care, or affirmation from my family. My parents made me feel like I was the most special gift in the world to them. In fact, they told me often how special I was. How I was a gift that they never expected but couldnt imagine living without. In fact, my first week of life, I was very sick and I almost died. I was in incubators, had all kinds of IV's and it was touch and go. But, God saved me. And from as little as I can remember my parents have told me that God had a special plan for my life and they knew it because he saved me. They called me their miracle.
And yet, I still picked this up. This idea that Im not good enough. That people would rather not have me around. That people dont really care about me, they just feel sorry for me. This idea that Im not worthy of having people care for me or spend time thinking about me. The very same idea that I work so hard to get my youth NOT to think about themselves, I think it about myself everyday.
So again, another challenge, to see myself in a much different light than I currently do.
I am sharing all of this with you today because I am realizing that I need to make some changes. I am realizing that I need to open up more. That I need to move past alot of these things. That somehow I need to let people in. I need to let people take care of me. I need to talk to people when I am upset, so that it doesnt come out and explode in very weird, awkward, and crazy moments. I need to realize that I am worthy. That people do love me. That people do care about me.
And finally, I miss my mom. I am proud to have had the chance to be her daughter. I am angry that she had to go through all the things she did in life. But at the same time, I dont think I would change any of them, because they have all been a part of making me who I am today. I am going to start the grieving process. I am going to quit trying to just "be strong". So I am asking you, my friends. People who I know care about me. Please, continue to be there. THANK YOU for all that you have already done. It means more to me than you will ever know. So you may see more blogs as I work through things. You may see more facebook posts as I work through things as well. And some of you, well some of you might just get actual face to face, heart to heart conversation too.
I love you mom. I miss you everyday. THANK YOU for showing me what faith is. Thank you for being strong through every single obstacle that came your way. Thank you for just being you! Im sorry for all the stuff you had to go through in life. Im sorry for all the pain you had to endure. Im sorry for all of the horrible illnesses you had to face. But I praise God everyday that you are in his precense now. That you are sitting at his feet.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Christmas with the Canny's
Christmas was always my favorite holiday. I remember when I was little I started listening to Christmas music in October, right after Halloween. It drove my family crazy sometimes, but they loved me anyways. Christmas, I realize, was my favorite because my mom made it so special in our home. We had SO MANY traditions. So many things in our family. and now, that we are all apart, I miss them. Its as though the "magic" of Christmas has gone.
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
I just got off the phone with my sweet father and had to give him the news that right now, with weather and schedules, it just didn't look like I would be making it home for Christmas. He was so sweet and understanding. But the thought of him being alone, it KILLS me. But I also have to be safe. The roads down his way are very ice and snow covered right now and they are expecting even more snow tonight. I have 2 Christmas Eve services to participate in here in MN, and so, here we are, all in separate places. My daddy in Iowa. Me in Minnesota. and my brother and his wife, and my sweet baby niece in Bolivia. and of course, my beautiful mother is spending her second Christmas in heaven. I miss my family more than words can say. But I will be honest and tell you that this year, I have not wanted to celebrate or even think about the holidays at all! It hurts, what used to be my favorite time of year is now one of the worst weeks of my life emotionally. I know it wont always be this way. I know that things will get better, but right now, at this point in my life, I'm ready for Christmas to just be over!
So I thought this morning, that instead of sulking. Instead of sitting in self pity, I would share with you all, my faithful friends, who read my rantings :) I thought I would share with you why Christmas was so special in our house. Why it meant so much to us. Why its so hard to loose that magic that Christmas once was.
It all started on Thanksgiving, or rather, the day after. My mom LOVED to decorate our house for Christmas. and I am telling you, EVERY INCH was covered with Christmas! I loved it. I loved looking through all of our old ornaments together as we put them on the tree and knowing that every year we would get a new one to add to the tree the following year. I still remember some of them. My mom was so good at picking what fit us best. One year I got Strawberry Shortcake. My brother got a Beatles ornament. The year he took up drumming, Bryan got a little drummer boy ornament. and that same year, mom started a "Nutcracker" doll tradition for him because that man too played the drums. I even got to make one one year, a pink angel. After decorating the Trees, and yes I said Trees plural as my mom liked to have several in our small house :) We would decorate everything else. We had window clings, we had wreaths, we had about 4 nativity sets around the house, THOSE were the most important to my mom. And then there were the snowglobes and music boxes. Our house was beautiful :) It may have looked like "Christmas heaved a big one" to everyone else, but to us, it was beautiful.
Then it was on to shopping. Now my mom HATED shopping. She always said I must have been switched at birth or something because I loved it. But at Christmas, the whole family took a shopping trip together. We went to the mall all day. Mom and I would go for a while and pick dad and Bryan's gifts and then we would switch and I would go with Dad and Bryan would go with mom. This was my favorite time. We laughed as we drove to the mall, about an hour and a half from our house. We would listen to Christmas music, my brother would always fall a sleep. But we had fun! At the end of the day, after all purchases had been made, we would go to a restaurant together and just spend sometime enjoying one anothers company. and then, on the way home, we would drive around and look at Christmas lights. Bryan HATED this part. He would inevitably fall asleep everytime, but somehow, toward the end, he would wake up and say, "Arent we going to so and sos place, we look at their lights every year" and we would realize the tradition was just as important to him as it was to all of us.
The Canny's are always a very busy group of people around the holidays. When we were little Bryan and I were in the Community Theatre and they would always put on a play at Christmas time. We loved it and we would have a Christmas party with all of those friends too. We also had the Live Nativity at our church. Bryan and I had a favorite scene. We liked to be the "people in the inn". It was the one spot on the whole thing that was a heated building. We could sit and play games at the table with each other and we LOVED it! We also got to play other roles over the years too. One year, I got to be Mary and ride the donkey. It was a live donkey!! After the Nativity was over, it was time to get ready for the big Christmas production at church. Bryan and I always got to be a part of this as well. You see, VERY BUSY! And once we got older, we added things in. We were both in Show Choir, which at Christmas meant we travelled to different banks and local business to sing Christmas songs. We always went Christmas Caroling with our Church group to nursing homes and places where people were less fortunate than we. Christmas was a time of community, of fun, of activities together. And at the time, all that busyness, I loved it, because I got to come home to a place where I was reminded why we were doing it.
You see, my mom had a HUGE heart. So some of the most important things to her at Christmas were making sure everyone else was happy and had what they needed. My mom was the most amazing cook and baker on the planet! I promise you, you wont find better. So every year, she would make "goody plates". She spent hours making treats for these plates. Peanut Butter Balls, Canny Treats, Homemade Chocolate Covered Cherries, Dipped Pretzels, Fudge, oh my goodness the smells that came from our kitchen. and with every goody plate, came my moms homemade rolls. The most delicious bread you will ever put in your mouth. She would carefully put them together, with a bow on top of each one and we would travel around and deliver them to people, letting them know how loved they were, by our family but more importantly, by God.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were a big deal to my mom. She made them big at our house. Big for just the four of us. She had 8 brothers and sisters, 6 that were still living. But she wanted Christmas to be just about us. The 4 of us. Christmas Eve was sometimes moms "last shopping horrah". For 2 hours that night, we would play with dad, watch movies, eat pizza, and we knew that mom was out getting her final gifts prepped. Then, when she got home, it was all about the snacks and movies together. She brought home a shrimp platter, sausage and cheese, a cheese ball and crackers, and of course, all of her left over treats too. We would pig out. and we would watch some sappy Hallmark Movies that we knew, would make her cry everytime. But I loved curling up in the chair next to her to watch the movies too. and even as we got older and I was in highschool, I still loved to do that from time to time and found myself crying with her.
Christmas Day was again, just us. If Christmas was on Sunday, we couldnt open anything until we got home from church. Christ was the reason for the season, and my mom NEVER wanted us to forget that. I love parades, so we watched the Christmas Parade first, and my mom made Cinnamon Rolls and homemade orange juice for us, and egg casserole too. After that, it was time for presents. my brother always played the roll of Santa. He had a hat and he passed presents to people to open. He LOVED it. We always had a contest each year to see who could give the "crying" gift. You see, my mom was never one to think of herself, but at Christmas, we tried to make sure she had more than anyone else under the tree. We thought she deserved it. But as we got older, we tried to see whose gift would make her cry the most. Tears of joy, of course :) One year, we went together and we got our pictures taken professionally (as professional as Wal Mart is, but come on, we were college students, what do you expect?), when she opened it, tears began to flow. We high fived and knew we had given her the perfect gift. Those pictures still hang in our house. After gifts, my mom and brother would cook. They loved it. Every year, as my brother got older, he came up with new recepies that he wanted to try on the family and each was just as delicious as the rest. He made Corn Chowder, Avacado Salad, Cornish Hens, oh so many good things!
After lunch, honestly, we took naps :) and then we would wake up to play with our new gifts, maybe watch a movie, and again, go look at more Christmas lights.
My family was and is a blessing to me. But you can see, we had SO MANY things that made it special. Mom being gone is really hard. Being separate just plain sucks. I miss them, more than I can even begin to express. But having these memories, remembering all the times we did have together, I realize how blessed I was and how blessed I am. We always knew that Christ was the reason for the season and that family and friends and showing his love were what the season was all about. I still have my moms Christmas CD collection, an entire book full of them.
This Christmas, I miss you mom. But THANK YOU for making each and everyone a special memory for me. I will never forget it. and I hope one day to pass some of that on to my children! So they can write a blog filled with blessings and memories just like this one.
I love you brother. I miss you. ALOT! Please come back to see me soon :) and bring my niece and my sister too!!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Count Your Blessings....
So A few weeks ago, my friend posted this on her blog. and I thought, what better way to choose Joy, what better way to count my blessings than to do what she did? So Here they are, the 7 deadly sins, with a twist.
seven great things in your life.
1. My daddy. He is one of the most loving, caring, and supportive people I have ever met in my life. He has shown me what true love really means as he loved my mother with a love I have never seen from anyone else. and he loves my brother and I with an incredible love. He loves my niece with an indescribable love. He cares for others and he loves his God with EVERYTHING that is in him.
2. My church. I am GREATFUL that I have the church family I do. They love me unconditionally. They take care of me. They make me feel important and special often. and they give me a chance to serve in the best way I know how.
3. My Small Group. I get to meet with some of the most amazing people every Monday Night. We read the Bible together. We do life together. We share the happy moments, we care for one another during the trials. All in all, we are there for each other. And I believe with all of my heart that I would not make it through life without them in it.
4. My Girl Friends. I have some of the BEST friends in the World. Ones from College who have been my some of bestfriends for 13 years, and I know will be there for another 13 and more! You are amazing. I have so many women in my life who I am greatful for in Minnesota as well. Ones who are in my small group. Ones who are from Red Rock Camp who have become far more than just camp friends. Ones from my church family. ones I have had the joy of working with. ALL of you I am greatful for and thank God for each and everyday!
5. My honoary brothers. I have so many guys in my life who I am thankful for daily. The ones who were in college with me who teased me like a little sister but also took care of me, stood up for me, and watched out for me often. Ones who I can call now who will fix my car at a moments notice, who will drop what they are doing to come and pick me up when my car breaks down on the side of the road. Ones who will stand up for me when I am not being treated fairly and Im too nice to do it myself. Ones who will watch football with me. and yes, ones who still tease me, because i know their teasing is done in love for me.
6. My baby brother, he has been my BEST friend since I was 2 years old and that will never change. I can laugh with him, I can cry with him. I can share moments with him that i can share with noone else. He is the best brother I could have ever asked for and he has given me 2 of the most amazing gifts in the World. An Incredible Sister in Law whom I am very greatful for and the most beautiful little girl in the World who I get to call my niece :) and she even looks like me! ha ha!
7. My un-phaseable ambition
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seven things you lack and covet.
1. Money
2. A Better Car
3. A Skinnier Body
4. A Man (someone to cherish, and someone who cherishes me)
5. Children of my own
6. Family that lives close to me
7. Skills in the kitchen.
7. Skills in the kitchen.
seven things that make you angry.
1. People who are not authentic or fake with each other
2. My moms death
3. My brother, my sister in law, and my niece live too far away
4. People who dont care about other people
5. Murder
6. Mental Illness and how it affects the people I love
7. CANCER, it sucks!
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seven things that you neglect to do.
1. Sometimes I forget my house chores (sorry roomates, I will try to do better.)
2. Call my friends as often as I should
3. Eat breakfast.
4. Exercise (okay, ever)
5. Write music as much as I want to
6. Read
7. Blog
seven worldly material desires.
1. A new car
2. An Ipad (I traded mine in and I miss it alot)
3. A Brand New Bed
4. Money so I never have to worry about anything material again.
5. My own house that is fully furnished with everything.
6. My Own Keyboard
7. I cant think of a number 7.
seven guilty pleasures.
1. GLEE
2. Chocolate Anything
3. Ice cream.
4. Reading (Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and many other books as well.)
5. Pop of almost any kind (especially Cherry Coke and Root Beer)
6. Eating Out
7. Facebook.
seven things you love about love.
1. Seeing someone in a way that noone else does
2. laughing together
3. Being best friends.
4. Knowing things about them that noone else knows.
5. Caring about someone in a deep and meaningful way.
6. Knowing that someone loves you unconditionally
7. Relying on each other no matter what.
THIS was fun! You should all do it too. I am thankful for the things God has given me in life. and for those things I dont have. Im thankful that God has shown me that HE is enough.
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