Today has been a very weird day for me. As in, I have just been lost in my thoughts today. I mean I just have tons of stuff that is just running through my mind, all good stuff, alot of it God stuff, but its like I am living in another world or something. People come in to my office, I hold conversation with them, almost like they have come in and interupted this beautiful place that I really would rather stay in today. The phone rings and my teeth cringe as I know its my job to answer the phone, but dont these people know I have lots to think about today and dont want to be bothered by them? :O) Just Kidding.
In my thought world today has been alot about music. God has been leading me for quite sometime now to write my own music and to release and album, that may sound conceded to some, trust me it is not at all. You see, many people over the years have asked me to record myself singing, but most of the time, I dont even know if I feel like Im good enough. Thoughts go through my head of someone who once told me that while everyone else thought I should go on American Idol, I just didnt have the talent and even if I did, based on my looks, Id never make it in. Or the meeting I had with 4 women, Godly women, women who I am still friends with today, but the hurt from this meeting still stings and haunts me at times. The words that were said still cut me to the core. You see, Im that person, in fact, on Gary Chapmans Five Love Languages, most of you know that I would score lowest on physical touch, because Im just not a hugger. I would say that it empties my tank, its just that hugs and such, dont really do much to fill it either. Want to know a secret, something I have never told anyone....I REALLY AM A HUGGER. I like hugs alot to be honest. I know that I tell people I am not much for physical touch, but to be 100% totally honest, its a front. You see, I feel like before people have the chance to hurt or reject me, this is an easy way that I can have control and keep myself from being hurt. I know, it sounds really weird, but its my way of just making sure I dont let people in all the way. Heres the thing, I dont think that people would really want a hug or anything from me anyway, so I dont really feel like I am depriving anyone, Im just protecting myself. I do this alot in my life, and I need to stop. Its just like when I make plans with someone. Sometimes I make plans and I end up canceling, because even though it might have been something I was really looking forward to, I dont want anyone to be obligated to spend time with me and I figure they have got to have way better things to do than spend time with me. I know, Im kinda crazy. But youre still reading my blog, so thanks for that :)
However, back to the story at hand, now that I have completely bared my soul to you, with those deep dark secrets. Now, disclaimer, this does not mean that if you all start coming up to me and bear hugging me that I am going to jump for joy, its still at the bottom of my love languages, just not as low as I made people think :) However, I am that person who scores highest on words of affirmation. When people compliment me, I dont usually forget it, it sticks with me and on those really tough days, I pull it out to remind myself. This also means that all those horrible words, well they stick too. In fact, I can pull out almost every moment of hurtful things that were said to me. Things I remember from preschool about kids saying I was fat because I ate more than them, in middle school when kids called me pork and beans, in high school when my brother and his friends picked out EVERY possible physical thing that was wrong with me and made fun of me, a fight Bryan and I had where he told me I had the worst singing voice ever and he hated hearing me sing, words he didnt even mean, just pulled out because he knew theyd sting for a short time, but I still remember them. (dont feel bad Bryan, its not your fault). The point is, THIS is what I am afraid of when it comes to writing and produciing music.
God has laid some pretty great songs on my heart, but I am too scared to share them with anyone, because I dont want them to reject me, I dont want to be made fun of, and I certainly dont know if I am ready to let people in, which is what I would be doing with some of the subject content of my songs.
This is what has been going through my head all day. I watch Nick Jonas' podcast, I LOVE hearing him share his heart, my roommate thought it was one of the dumbest things she had ever seen, but I LOVE it! You see, he has no fear. He writes about that personal stuff, he shares about God and his relationship with him, hes not afraid to just plain be himself. I long for that. I long for the day that I will just know in my heart that I am loved and accepted for who I am, no questions asked, I long for that day that I will not be so consumed with the thoughts people have of me. Heres the thing, when it comes to my faith, certain things in my life, I dont care what people think, I will live it out. For example, NEVER BEEN KISSED in my life, because Im saving it for my wedding day, dont care what anyone things or says, its my choice and im proud of it. Think it is wrong to drink alcohol under ANY cirrcumstance when you are a Christian and have scripture to back me up, and Im not afraid to share it with anyone. But when it comes to how I look or something like that, I care ALOT about what others think. Maybe its a girl thing. I dont know, but I know I hate it.
Bottom line, God is really leading me to do somethings for him and I am just getting tired of getting in his way. Thats the thoughts of the day :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Feels Like Home....
Okay....so its been a while. sorry about that, well to the 9 of you that actually read this, I am sure you have been hanging on the edge of your seat waiting for my next blog :) ha ha ha....anyways.
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
well first, my baby brother and his wife are now safely at their new home in Bolivia and ready to serve God with all their hearts. I am SO PROUD of them! I really am. I miss them alot, but my heart wells up with pride. Hoping that in my life, I show the same commitment to the God who has given me such AMAZING blessings. I think I do. Im not in another country, but I am in a new culture and Im on my own, like the Les Mis song states :) and Im doing what God has laid on my heart to do. I have been thinking about this alot lately, how we just have this one idea of missions in our heads, what Bryan and Molly are doing, which is fantastic, but what about those of us who truly do have a PASSION in our hearts for where we are at right now? and what about those of us who are followers of Christ but we really dont have a passion to reach anyone? See, the commitment, thats what God wants, the heart of a servant, to do whatever he says, whenever he says, wherever he might lead out of a heart of crazy love for him, a fraction of which is the CRAZY LOVE he has for us!!
Second, my mommy is doing well. Doctors are giving her a VERY GOOD outlook, after 3 treatments of chemo now, the cancer is completely dormant and with this type of cancer, should not come back and if it does, they can treat it at that time. The cancer she has is one of the best types to get, if thats even possible, because it is not only treatable, but doctors now use the word curable! God is good and he has been showing himself through her trials in amazing ways!
Third, so as many of you know, I am a hopeless romantic. If you go back and read my previous blogs, you know I love chick flicks. I dream of the day I will get married, I even have the wedding party picked out, i mean bridesmaids, ringbearers, flower girls, even junior groomsmen and bridesmaids, because I have been blessed with so many great children in my life :) One of my favorite songs ever is called, Feels Like Home. It is from a womans perspective of the man she is in love with. How happy he is making her, how lonely she has been, how she has prayed for the day that they would meet and share this love together. and man, I just have to say that I feel like daily, the longing in my heart to meet my future husband is just growing like crazy. I mean unbelieveable amounts, its like God is preparing my heart to meet him. I sure hope its the case. I long for that sense of belonging and love from my future spouse.
I guess, if I am going to be totally honest, which of course I am, I have had this sinking feeling that I am always going to be alone, that I am never going to meet mr.right, that something about me is just plain not good enough. I look around and I swear to you 95 percent of my friends are married and have children or married and so happy together or preparing to get married and here I sit alone. I just long for the day to prepare for my wedding, to fall in love, just all of it. Lately, I have these talks with friends who say, you know its not all its cracked up to be Becky, be happy where you are at. And maybe it is one of those, grass is always greener things, but somehow, I just dont feel it is. You see, I dont want to get married just for me, oh dont get me wrong, to be loved with that kind of love, I cant wait, but more than that, its because I have this love in my heart that is just bursting for my future husband. I have prayed for him for years, I have had him on my mind and made choices regarding him for so long, no kissing until its for him, my heart belongs to him, I just know that God has created this perfect man for me. And I cannot wait to lavish the love on him that Christ has lavished on me, to show him the love that God has placed in my heart for him.
I guess what I am trying to say in all of this is that God has given some incredible blessings and I know that he has many blessings to come. And I am in awe of what he is doing and what he has yet to do. To God Be The Glory in ALL of these things!!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Really, youre a follower of Christ?
Okay....so I am going to try my best to write this in such a way that I am not being judgemental, because I am the last person that has any right to sit in judgement. However, accountibility is something that I think we have been lacking alot in this Christian walk lately. So today, I am not going to hold back, I am going to say what God has really been laying on my heart. Be ready for a short sermon in blog form. When I was a little girl and even to this day, I always wanted to follow the rules. I didnt like to go against them at all. I liked to make sure I was always doing what my parents told me to do. I guess some would have called me a good two shoes, and you know what? Im okay with that. Because I was striving to live my life in an honorable way. However, when I got to college, there was a short period of time, where I threw all of this away. I decided I was sick of following the rules, I was tired of always doing the right thing. I began swearing, not even because I liked it, just because I knew it was wrong. I began smoking, again, not because I liked it, just because it was against the rules. I became an ugly person, one who I was not proud to be at all. I HATED myself during this time and when I look back on it, I learned alot from it, but I wish I had just not even made the choices to begin with. I say all of this to say, I know that we all make the wrong choices sometimes, things we are not proud of, things we wish we could take back. But in the Christian walk, we are called to live a life that is higher than this. I was a camp counselor, I was a worship leader, and I was NOT representing the God I was sharing with all of these people. The moment that I remember the change coming in my life and realizing I couldnt do this anymore was 2 fold. First, I had alot of AMAZING friends, now at the time, I didnt think so, I was ticked at them, because they were all getting on my case for the choices I was making. Adam yelled at me quite a few times, Trevor had some serious talks with me, Shannon fought with me, Joni threatened to talk to those in authority at school if I didnt stop making these choices, and Fred cried as he held me one night telling me that he knew God had more for my life than what I was choosing. and ALL of them LOVED me in my sin, but they loved me too much to let me continue to live my life this way. More than that, they loved our God and were sick of me trampling his name. Going out and living one way at college and another when noone was watching, I had awful character during that time, the person I was when noone was watching was AWFUL. Still, I had not chosen to change. Second was the night that God broke me. I was singing and leading worship on stage one weekend when we were hosting high school kids at our college weekend. I had a call on my life to youth ministries, so I looked forward to these weekends every year. I was on stage and we were singing about how much we loved God, I looked at the faces of these kids and realized I was living a lie. I was broken, how could I do this to them? How could I do this to God who has been so faithful to me all of my life? How could I be doing this? I got done singing and ran back to my room that night and just threw myself on the bed and began to weep. That night I vowed that I was going to quit this lukewarm living thing. Revelation 3:15-16- "I know your works, you are neither hot or cold, be hot or be cold! Because you are neither one, you are lukewarm, I will spit you out of my mouth!" I could tell you the origin of this verse, and if I was really preaching a sermon, I probably would, but for now, suffice it to say that I am tired of watching people live this way and act this way toward my GOD! If I could go back to myself then, I would have done the same things that my friends did, because they were keeping my accountable to the live I had promised to live. I am just sadened by the state of the world around me and the Christians that are around me as well. I know that some people would call me radical and say that I am living to extremes and I need to lighten up, but I think I would rather be called a Radical and be made fun of than to compromise anything in this life. But you want to know the sadest part of this for me? Those that make fun of me for living this life are not non christians, no they are the very same people who are to be my brothers and sisters in Christ. The same ones who claim to serve the God that I love and serve and they are making fun of me because of my beliefs. They call me old fashioned or a prude. I have made some very important choices in my life, because I feel God has called me to them. I will not EVER drink alcohol. First of all because I will not support an industry that I have seen destroy some of the families of the teens I love and care about so much in my ministry. Secondly because of the way it looks in our culture today. I know that this is a very gray area and people would argue well in the Bible they drank wine and there is nothing wrong with it at all, and I am NOT going to sit in judgement of anyone else. But what God has called ME to, is that if its that much of a stumbling block for people, if it causes confusion for someone or causes them to get a clouded view when they look at me and Christ is not as clearly seen, GET IT OUT OF MY LIFE! I dont need it. Or how about the fact that I am 29 years old and am still single, because I have chosen courtship for my life and have yet to find the guy that God has led me to enter into this with. That I have never been kissed in my life, because I am saving it for my wedding night. EXTREME, i know :) But why is that so bad? I mean, because I want my relationship with the one God has for me to be so amazing and perfect that I dont want to do anything that might put blocks in it? I actually feel proud of the fact that I am completely pure and have these gifts to give to my future husband. That is NOT a slam on anyone who does not and that does NOT discount the grace that God offers us when we do come to him, I just have a heart that is full and proud and ready to love when God is ready to bring someone into my life. I just dont feel like I should be laughed at or condemned for choosing that life. The list could go on and on and I would be the first to tell you, once again, that does not mean I live a perfect life, but I strive to. Its what God has called me to. I have been learning and realizing that alot lately, yes we are sinners, ALL of us. BUT we are sinners that were SAVED by grace! That means that if I am living as a saved person and I am striving everyday to be more like Christ, that I dont have to live in sin, I dont have to make mistakes, I am a santified person and I need to start living my life as such! God has called me to be Holy! I am going to start living that everyday! and I hope that you can all see Christ in me and if you cant, CALL ME OUT!!! I mean it. I love my God and I want to live for him!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You Saved Me.....
I love to sing, its no secret to those who are close to me at all, to be honest, even those who arent close to me, might catch me singing in a public restroom, its just a passion that I have in my soul. Next to my passion for Jesus, singing is the thing I am most passionate about in life. It has been a huge part of my life. I often remember scripture based on songs I learned in children's choir when I was younger. There are often things that I go through in life and I have songs that are my "go to" songs.
I was in a band for 3 years while I was in college and I loved it. I often remember songs we sang together and they help me through certain points in my life. I was thinking of one of those songs just the other day, "You Saved Me", was the name of the song. It is all about how God stepped in and saved our lives. I had the solo on this song, and it was one of my favorite to sing, because it was my personal testimony. There have been many points in my life where I was down and out and felt that I needed to be saved, but there is one point, my lowest, that I know God reached in and saved me. I wont go into detail, but suffice it to say, there was a day that I wanted to end my life. I was tired of being made fun of, I was tired of feeling like I didnt fit in. I was just tired of it all. That day, God sent my little brother into the room and we just had one of the most amazing conversations ever. I dont remember what was said and neither does he, we both just know that God used him to let me see myself through the eyes of Christ and how much I was really worth. When I sang this song, thats what I thought of. God physically saved my life that day, but long before that, he saved me.
I think we take that for granted sometimes. I think sometimes we are scared to admit that we even need saving at all. Thats what I want to think about and bask in this week. GOD SAVED ME! I am that important to him. He loves me and cares about EVERY PART of my life and he saved ME!!!! So now that I have been saved, what am I going to do about it?
I was in a band for 3 years while I was in college and I loved it. I often remember songs we sang together and they help me through certain points in my life. I was thinking of one of those songs just the other day, "You Saved Me", was the name of the song. It is all about how God stepped in and saved our lives. I had the solo on this song, and it was one of my favorite to sing, because it was my personal testimony. There have been many points in my life where I was down and out and felt that I needed to be saved, but there is one point, my lowest, that I know God reached in and saved me. I wont go into detail, but suffice it to say, there was a day that I wanted to end my life. I was tired of being made fun of, I was tired of feeling like I didnt fit in. I was just tired of it all. That day, God sent my little brother into the room and we just had one of the most amazing conversations ever. I dont remember what was said and neither does he, we both just know that God used him to let me see myself through the eyes of Christ and how much I was really worth. When I sang this song, thats what I thought of. God physically saved my life that day, but long before that, he saved me.
I think we take that for granted sometimes. I think sometimes we are scared to admit that we even need saving at all. Thats what I want to think about and bask in this week. GOD SAVED ME! I am that important to him. He loves me and cares about EVERY PART of my life and he saved ME!!!! So now that I have been saved, what am I going to do about it?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
This weekend.....
Okay....so just as I thought, I got busy and was not able to do all the 30 days. I may come back to them later. But right now, I am going to talk about my weekend. Actually, let me go back and discuss the last 2 weeks and the whirlwind and craziness God has been working with us through!
So most of you know that this past year, for my mother, has been a very tough one. She has gone through depression, she went missing for a while, she went through times of confusion and disorientation, and none of the doctors could figure out why. She has been on many different anti depressants, and even went through some Electric Shock treatments to bring her out of what ever it was that was causing this. Through it all, though it was tough, we kept holding on and knowing that God was working and was going to show himself through this, for his Glory, not our comfort.
Well, last Friday, February 25, I was in the car getting ready to take my youth group on a ski trip when I got the call. My dad was crying on the other end. He said that my mom was being taken the the hospital for emergency surgery, they thought she had cancer of the spine. Now holding myself together, as to not scare a car full of youth, was not easy, but I did it. I went and told Luke the news, I composed myself, and we were on our way. My mom had lost the use of her legs a few days prior and had a cat scan and it showed a tumor causing the loss of her legs.
She had the surgery and came through it with flying colors! My brother and his wife and I rushed home as soon as we could, and the rest of the week, consisted of appointments and consultations with the doctors. The diagnosis...mom has B Cell Large Cell Lymphoma-a cancer that is very treatable and curable as well!
Now, while cancer is a scary and hard word to hear....in my moms case, it was Gods amazing work. You see, as they began to treat her with steroids, she came out of her depression. My mom had barely talked to us at all in the past year, in fact, most times, we didnt even think she knew or cared if we were around. But, my mom came back! She started joking with us again, she started talking to us. She is back to her old self again! The doctor told us that this cancer had been growing for quite sometime and that all that she has been through is directly correlated to the cancer. So she started Chemo, and that has been hard, but, when she is through with it, 6 treatments, and the cancer is iradicated from her body, she will be a new woman! Her back pain, that she has been suffering from for quite a while now, as completely disipated! The prayer now is that she will get the use of her legs back! She has had such trauma to her spinal cord that they cant guarantee that. While she can live a normal life without the use of her legs, its just another tough blow for her after the thousands she has already had this year! She is an AMAZING woman and an inspiration to me! God is real and working everyday! and in his way and time, his miracles are better than ANYTHING I could plan :)
Well, after that week, I came back home and got my kids ready to go on a trip to Acquire the Fire. Now, I am going to be totally honest with you here, I DIDNT WANT TO GO AT ALL!! I wanted to be at a youth ministers conference that was the same weekend. But God knew what he was doing. God moved this weekend alot. I know that he shared alot with my kids, but he shared alot with me too.
one thing that stuck out was a night during worship, the worship leader was sharing with us as we sang one of my favorite songs, Hosanna. He shared that the word means, "save us now". I began to think about this, our God is a God that saves. He loves us and he cares for us. and he wants to save us, its the basis of our relationship with him, if we didnt need to be saved, we wouldnt need him. But have I really allowed myself to be saved and enjoy the complete joy of it? I have dreamed for years that I would meet prince charming and he would come into my life, sweep me off my feet and save me and I would live happily ever after, but have I let God do that in my life?
Secondly, was the craziest turn of events that has happened to me in a long time. When we got to the event, we immedietly went upstairs and got settled and then it was time for worship. As I got into worship, I looked around for a minute, because I noticed that this guy was walking around our section just praying for our kids. I realized that this is something they assign many staff to do. But it touched my heart, these people were praying for me and for my kids :) God drew my attention to the young gentlemen praying for us, God just drew my attention and simply whispered, pray for him and remember him. So, I did.
Throughout the weekend, this guy was in our section, he prayed with some of our kids and passed out things to us when we needed them. At one point, our group wanted to adopt a child from Compassion International, so as we raised our hands, he brought us our packet, and of course the question I am used to by now, "sure, you can have one, but where is your youth leader?" I just smiled and said, "oh thats me". He smiled and said, "great!" This was the first interaction we had. And I just kept reminding myself, God told me to remember this guy.
As we broke from our session, my friend Trista, who has become one of my bestfriends, and had come to help chaperone for the week, went with me to look for shirts to buy. Now let me explain, I had been to this booth 3 times already, I really wanted a shirt and kept hoping theyd get my size, but they never did. So we went up once more, so I could pick another one. I was being ever so careful to pick, because we all know how I am with fashion :) As we were at the booth, this guy comes up. He immedietly begins talking to us. Sharing with me how much he loves Leeland, because I had just purchased an irish looking Leeland wristband. I love LEELAND! So as he comments, I share with him that while I love the band, I also got it for my irish heritage which I am so VERY PROUD of :) He told me I was rocking it very well, and began to flirt. Okay, I know Im not there for a guy, but the next events are going to be that of a flirtly love story, just a discliamer :)
So as he and are talking, my friend Trista shares with him that I am very into fashion and sometimes spend too much time on putting together my ensembles ;) that day i had my boots that matched my scarf that matched my hat. :) To which he replies, "As she should, she is beautiful" and "she is made in the image of Christ as well". Okay, now let me just say, I didnt even get the hint of what was going on here. I honestly thought he was just trying to make a sale and get me to buy more stuff. So Trista, being the loving friend that she is proceeds to ask, "well are you single?" and he looks at me and says, "yes, i am." Trista says, "well how do you feel about courtship?" He then gets red in the face and starts to stutter. "Well, Im Still s-s-s-seeking God on what he has for me". The girl at the booth with him then says, "well he cant date anyway, its a rule of acquire the fire". And then, he looks at me and says, "but im done in August.". Now here is the thing, I missed all of this. My friend Trista recapped later for me.
Because here is what happened in my head. I have been lead on before in my life. I have thought that there was something there and it turned out that the guy was not feeling anything for me. I have also been working on it, but still thought there was no way that this guy would be interested in someone like me.
As the night went on, we were in the last service, he was passing something out, he came and brought it to our row and looked at me with a big smile and said "hey there". Problem is, I didnt get his name or number or anything. I was too scared. I just let my insecurities get the best of me! Since the weekend, God just keeps laying him on my heart. But I have no idea how I will find him.
I just hate that because of my insecurities I missed out on what could have been great blessing in my life. I pray that if its Gods will, he will work it out that somehow Ill find him. But even if I dont, someone out there thinks Im beautiful and that gives me hope to know that God has someone for me. Weather its this man or someone else. Keep praying for me.
God is doing some AMAZING stuff!!!
Love you all!
Becky
So most of you know that this past year, for my mother, has been a very tough one. She has gone through depression, she went missing for a while, she went through times of confusion and disorientation, and none of the doctors could figure out why. She has been on many different anti depressants, and even went through some Electric Shock treatments to bring her out of what ever it was that was causing this. Through it all, though it was tough, we kept holding on and knowing that God was working and was going to show himself through this, for his Glory, not our comfort.
Well, last Friday, February 25, I was in the car getting ready to take my youth group on a ski trip when I got the call. My dad was crying on the other end. He said that my mom was being taken the the hospital for emergency surgery, they thought she had cancer of the spine. Now holding myself together, as to not scare a car full of youth, was not easy, but I did it. I went and told Luke the news, I composed myself, and we were on our way. My mom had lost the use of her legs a few days prior and had a cat scan and it showed a tumor causing the loss of her legs.
She had the surgery and came through it with flying colors! My brother and his wife and I rushed home as soon as we could, and the rest of the week, consisted of appointments and consultations with the doctors. The diagnosis...mom has B Cell Large Cell Lymphoma-a cancer that is very treatable and curable as well!
Now, while cancer is a scary and hard word to hear....in my moms case, it was Gods amazing work. You see, as they began to treat her with steroids, she came out of her depression. My mom had barely talked to us at all in the past year, in fact, most times, we didnt even think she knew or cared if we were around. But, my mom came back! She started joking with us again, she started talking to us. She is back to her old self again! The doctor told us that this cancer had been growing for quite sometime and that all that she has been through is directly correlated to the cancer. So she started Chemo, and that has been hard, but, when she is through with it, 6 treatments, and the cancer is iradicated from her body, she will be a new woman! Her back pain, that she has been suffering from for quite a while now, as completely disipated! The prayer now is that she will get the use of her legs back! She has had such trauma to her spinal cord that they cant guarantee that. While she can live a normal life without the use of her legs, its just another tough blow for her after the thousands she has already had this year! She is an AMAZING woman and an inspiration to me! God is real and working everyday! and in his way and time, his miracles are better than ANYTHING I could plan :)
Well, after that week, I came back home and got my kids ready to go on a trip to Acquire the Fire. Now, I am going to be totally honest with you here, I DIDNT WANT TO GO AT ALL!! I wanted to be at a youth ministers conference that was the same weekend. But God knew what he was doing. God moved this weekend alot. I know that he shared alot with my kids, but he shared alot with me too.
one thing that stuck out was a night during worship, the worship leader was sharing with us as we sang one of my favorite songs, Hosanna. He shared that the word means, "save us now". I began to think about this, our God is a God that saves. He loves us and he cares for us. and he wants to save us, its the basis of our relationship with him, if we didnt need to be saved, we wouldnt need him. But have I really allowed myself to be saved and enjoy the complete joy of it? I have dreamed for years that I would meet prince charming and he would come into my life, sweep me off my feet and save me and I would live happily ever after, but have I let God do that in my life?
Secondly, was the craziest turn of events that has happened to me in a long time. When we got to the event, we immedietly went upstairs and got settled and then it was time for worship. As I got into worship, I looked around for a minute, because I noticed that this guy was walking around our section just praying for our kids. I realized that this is something they assign many staff to do. But it touched my heart, these people were praying for me and for my kids :) God drew my attention to the young gentlemen praying for us, God just drew my attention and simply whispered, pray for him and remember him. So, I did.
Throughout the weekend, this guy was in our section, he prayed with some of our kids and passed out things to us when we needed them. At one point, our group wanted to adopt a child from Compassion International, so as we raised our hands, he brought us our packet, and of course the question I am used to by now, "sure, you can have one, but where is your youth leader?" I just smiled and said, "oh thats me". He smiled and said, "great!" This was the first interaction we had. And I just kept reminding myself, God told me to remember this guy.
As we broke from our session, my friend Trista, who has become one of my bestfriends, and had come to help chaperone for the week, went with me to look for shirts to buy. Now let me explain, I had been to this booth 3 times already, I really wanted a shirt and kept hoping theyd get my size, but they never did. So we went up once more, so I could pick another one. I was being ever so careful to pick, because we all know how I am with fashion :) As we were at the booth, this guy comes up. He immedietly begins talking to us. Sharing with me how much he loves Leeland, because I had just purchased an irish looking Leeland wristband. I love LEELAND! So as he comments, I share with him that while I love the band, I also got it for my irish heritage which I am so VERY PROUD of :) He told me I was rocking it very well, and began to flirt. Okay, I know Im not there for a guy, but the next events are going to be that of a flirtly love story, just a discliamer :)
So as he and are talking, my friend Trista shares with him that I am very into fashion and sometimes spend too much time on putting together my ensembles ;) that day i had my boots that matched my scarf that matched my hat. :) To which he replies, "As she should, she is beautiful" and "she is made in the image of Christ as well". Okay, now let me just say, I didnt even get the hint of what was going on here. I honestly thought he was just trying to make a sale and get me to buy more stuff. So Trista, being the loving friend that she is proceeds to ask, "well are you single?" and he looks at me and says, "yes, i am." Trista says, "well how do you feel about courtship?" He then gets red in the face and starts to stutter. "Well, Im Still s-s-s-seeking God on what he has for me". The girl at the booth with him then says, "well he cant date anyway, its a rule of acquire the fire". And then, he looks at me and says, "but im done in August.". Now here is the thing, I missed all of this. My friend Trista recapped later for me.
Because here is what happened in my head. I have been lead on before in my life. I have thought that there was something there and it turned out that the guy was not feeling anything for me. I have also been working on it, but still thought there was no way that this guy would be interested in someone like me.
As the night went on, we were in the last service, he was passing something out, he came and brought it to our row and looked at me with a big smile and said "hey there". Problem is, I didnt get his name or number or anything. I was too scared. I just let my insecurities get the best of me! Since the weekend, God just keeps laying him on my heart. But I have no idea how I will find him.
I just hate that because of my insecurities I missed out on what could have been great blessing in my life. I pray that if its Gods will, he will work it out that somehow Ill find him. But even if I dont, someone out there thinks Im beautiful and that gives me hope to know that God has someone for me. Weather its this man or someone else. Keep praying for me.
God is doing some AMAZING stuff!!!
Love you all!
Becky
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Okay. so I have been pretty behind on this whole 30 day challenge, and since its a slow day at work for me, I am going to catch up a little bit. Then its off to go to the new house and get things ready so i can start moving! so ready for a house and not an apartment and a roommate!
anyways....back to the challenge at hand. Okay, so the challenge was to post a picture of someone you have been close to for a long time and then write about them and why you are so close. Well, I couldnt pick just one, so I picked several.
Of course, my brother. He and I have always been bestfriends. This year has been a trying one for us, but he is still my bestfriend and I love him very much. We have been through alot together. We have some really fun memories and some really tough ones, but we have them together and thats what matters.
Shannon Hora, my bestfriend. I have posted about her several times. She has been my bestie since we were in college. its been almost 10 years now! She is a friend I know will be my friend for the rest of my life, no matter where we go in life, she and I will always be friends!!
I posted a picture of me and my daddy. I have always been a daddys girl. Moving here, one of the hardest things was knowing that I would be physically close to my daddy anymore. I wouldnt have the option to go and see him everyday. My dad and i have been close since I was born. When I was very little, he worked in the factory and was laid off work several times, which meant I got to spend LOTS of time with my daddy. We would play, read books, watch movies, go on walks, go to the candy store everyday for my favorite, "red candy"-licorice. He would hide change around the house and we would go on a hunt together for money and then walk to the candy store together. I still talk to my daddy everyday on the phone.
I also posted a picture of both of my parents, because my mom and i are close too. I miss her so much. She is a great woman. We have had so many great talks and lots of great memories together. We love to sing together. Shes an AMAZING woman!!
I posted a picture of me and my meggie! "bestfriend"...that was what we called each other. I have not physically seen Meggan for over a year. But...she is a true friend, because it doesnt matter how long its been, when we talk on the phone, its like no time has passed at all. We can pick right up where we left off. We can still talk about One Tree Hill and how much I am like Brooke Davis. We can talk about her "ugly bridesmaids dress" for an upcoming wedding, while she is going to be VERY pregnant and look like a huge watermelon. and we can talk about the serious stuff too! She is a great friend.
Melissa is another one of my bestfriends. We only get to see each other a couple times a year, but we talk on the phone and facebook very often and keep up with each others lives, and I know that we are very important to each other and very close.
Trista...she is a friend that I talk to EVERYDAY these days. She is my bestfriend here in Sumner. Since the day I moved here, we have had a connection and have been super close. I am very thankful for her in my life, God has truly gifted me with an amazing friend in her. I have alot of great friends here in Sumner, but Trista is just that friend that I know I have a special bond with. I can share ANYTHING with her and she doesnt judge me. and I am able to be there for her too. She gives me encouragement and hope for the future as we deal with some of the same issues in life together.
Jalisa is someone who went from being a girl in counseled at camp, to a fellow counselor, to one of my closest friends. We dont see each other much, as she lives in MN, but we talk often and I know that she loves me no matter what. As I do her.
I could go on and on and fill this blog with pictures and paragraphs about the people God has blessed me with in life. But these are the ones that stuck out to me right now. My family, and my very bestfriends.....those are the people that I consider close to my heart :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
30 days...
So on facebook, there is this 30 days challenge thing. You post a picture and write something about it for the next 30 days. So i decided that I would post it here on my blog and then link to my facebook, that way all my followers can read it, and also, my facebook friends can see it too :) so the first day is that you post a picture of yourself and then write 15 things about yourself....so here goes...
1. My full name is Rebecca Dawn Canny- My name is one that my mom picked out when she was just a little girl.
2. I have a little brother, his name is Bryan Edward Canny. He is 2 years younger than me. He is one of my bestfriends and I like to think I taught him much of what he knows, but the truth is, he has taught me many things too.
3. I am 29 years old, and I have never been kissed in my life, I have never been to a dance, and I have never even been on a date. I guess I just have been waiting for the write guy to come along. So when he comes, he has ALOT to live up to, after waiting for this long :)
4. Even though I am 29 years old, I LOVE the Jonas Brothers. Nick has one of the most amazing voices EVER! Joe is so funny. Kevin is very loving. and all of them have incredible Christian and Family values.
5. GLEE is the MOST AMAZING show in the world! I dream about having the chance to be on it at some point in my life.
6. I have dreamed for years about having a family of my own and have already picked out names for the children Id like to one day have. I wont share them, because I dont want anyone to steal them :)
7. I have already picked out who will be the bridesmaids when I finally get the chance to marry the man of my dreams. Shannon Hora, Meggan Schwirtz, Melissa Johnson, Trista Calonder, Molly Canny, Abby Treiber, Jalisa Negley.
8. I have several places picked out for dream dates in my life and I really hope that when I meet the right guy, I get to go on EVERY ONE of them :)
*DisneyLAND- NOT WORLD- LAND. For some reason, going to California is a HUGE deal to me. At Christmas time so I can see all the Christmas decorations and so I can see the Christmas Parade too.
*Rockefeller Center at Christmas Time to see the Big Tree and shop in New York City.
*Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
9. I want to realase my own album someday and become famous. Not so that I can have all the money, but so that I can reach as many people as possible for the kingdom of Christ. AND so that I can have someone who will clean my house for me and my car too :)
10. I have a HUGE FEAR of squirrels, and am deathly afraid of them. Even after Dan Fassler tried to cure my of it by putting a live one in my room during college.
11. I want to write my own book someday and go around speaking and encouraging teenagers about the AMAZING things God has for them in their lives.
12. My parents are some of the MOST AMAZING people in the world and I love them with all my heart. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to move away from them, which is why it took me 28 years, before I could actually do it :0)
13. My favorite place in the world to be is at Red Rock Camp, I have some of the best friends in the world there and other than my own family, they are the BEST family in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD.
14. I often think about what celebrities I would like to sing duets with:
Nick Jonas
Mark Salling (Puck from Glee)
Cory Monteith (Finn from Glee)
Chord Overstreet (Sam from Glee)
Kevin Mc Hale (Artie from Glee)
Matt Morrison (Mr. Shuster from Glee)
Okay, pretty much any of the guys from GLEE and Nick Jonas :) I think that there are a few others too, but you get the idea, I want to sing with some celebrities :)
15. I LOVE CANDY. I am like a little kid sometimes....but I LOVE IT!!! My favorites are:
Lemon Heads
Starburts- all flavors
ANYTHING CHOCOLATE
Sour Patch Kids.
BONUSES:
16. My favorite foods are:
Frozen Pizza
Macaroni and Cheese
Chocolate Ice Cream
Strawberry Banana Smoothies from Mc Donalds
Mashed Potatoes
Fried Chicken
17. My favorite kind of pop:
CHERRY Dr. Pepper
Orange Soda
18. My favorite Video Games
Super Mario Kart
Super Mario Brothers 3
Dance Dance Revolution
Sing Star
Just Dance
Karaoke Revolution
19. I have always wanted to go to a Karaoke place with friends, but none of them will go with me, because they think I will show them up.
20. I have a facination with owls, because my brother loves them, and so when I see things with owls on them, I buy it, as a memory of him.
21. I just learned how to play the Jimbaye(a drum you play with your hands) and I LOVE playing it.
22. I want to learn how to play the piano alot better than I can right now, so I can write my own music. I want to learn the guitar too.
23. I love watching Disney Channel.
24. I am addicted to drama and funny shows on TV. My favorites include, Modern Family, The Middle, Scrubs, Traffic Light, Raising Hope, GLEE, One Tree Hill, The Office, Parenthood, Perfect Couples, 30 Rock, Outsourced, Community, Parks and Recreation, Law and Order SVU, Still Standing, 8 Simple Rules, My Wife and Kids, Full House, I love the old shows and the new shows.
25. I have not grown since I was in 5th grade. I am 4'11'' and I wear size 4 or 5 shoes, in childrens. and I have to wear childrens gloves to fit my hands.
26. I have a partial Masters in Counseling, and would someday maybe like to go back and finish it up.
27. I have a BA in Youth Ministries and LOVE what I do for a living, as a full time youth pastor. I feel that they are the future of our world and I love that I get a chance to invest in their lives.
28. I dont know how to swim and am hugely afraid of large bodies of water.
29. My favorite Bible Verse is: Proverbs 3:5-6- Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways awknowledge him and he will direct your paths.
30. My favorite song in the world is, "His Eye is on the Sparrow". Because its my moms favorite and she used to sing it to us every night when she would sing me to sleep. In fact, I often think back to those times and hope to one day sing to my children the way she sang to me.
Well, there you go, you know MORE than 15 things about me, infact, I gave you 15 bonuses, arent you lucky :) That is the most I have shared my dreams in a long time, and to be honest, it feels good to dream again and believe that these things might actually come true :)
I love you all!!!!
Becky
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